The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder – so is a STY

Dear Little Princling,

We never got to see the King, in fact we didn't even get any rum, or to Jack's dismay, any sausage either. But we did find out that Merlin puts funny things in his eyes. We also ran into a new... person. I wouldn't call him a friend. If he was a friend he would be the kind of friend you never showed anyone, and if somebody asked you who he was you would say you'd never met him in your entire life. The fact that he's insane doesn't much help the matter. Legolas, I thought I knew mad when I met Captain Jack Sparrow the crazed pirate, but this is the next level of insane. Jack was Ridiculous, but this guy is Ludicrous! It started like this...

We were just leaving the room when Merlin suddenly cried out in pain.

Merlin, 'Ouchy!'

Swabtop sighed, 'Now what?'

Merlin rubbed his eye, 'Oh, nothing. I just have a sty in my eye.'

Jack, forgetting to be mad, turned and echoed, 'Stein?'

Merlin shook his head, 'No, sty! S-T-Y, sty.'

I thought over this a moment and frowned. Puzzled I scratched my head, wondering how Merlin could have a sty, of all things, in his eye.

Swabtop blinked, 'What's a sty?'

I opened my mouth to answer his question, but Jack clamped his hand over my mouth.

Jack hissed, 'You think that wise, mate? Remember what happened last time you started defining things?'

I pulled away, 'It's a enclosure for swine! There, now that wasn't too bad, now was it?'

There was a silence.

Jack scratched his muddy head, 'What's a swine?'

I sighed, 'Swine – any of the ungulate mammals of the family Suidae.'

There was an awkward silence.

Jack blinked, 'That didn't help one bit, mate.'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Pigs, he means pigs.'

Jack gave a sigh of relief, 'Oh, pigs. I know what they are, I most assuredly do.'

Swabtop frowned, 'So what you're saying is, there's a pig in your eye?'

Jack blinked again, 'Okay, now my head is starting to hurt.'

I rolled my eyes, 'Not a pig, an enclosure for pigs. Or, any other filthy place.'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit croaky.'

Swabtop translated, ' "No wonder his eye hurts." '

Merlin shouted, 'I do not have an enclosure for pigs in my eye!'

Jack scratched his beard, 'What's ungulate?'

I replied to Merlin, 'Well, that's what you just said.'

Swabtop piped in, 'Hey – are we going to stand here arguing about what's in Merlin's eye or are we...'

Suddenly King Arthur popped through the window and sprawled out on the floor, breathing like a winded hippopotamus. He was covered in mud, little sausage bits, and looked like he had sat on a squished pumpkin.

Arthur gasped out, 'Mad knight!'

I said, 'Yes, I'm sure you did have a mad night considering you were left out in a graveyard.'

Swabtop and Jack began to whistle and twiddle their thumbs.

Arthur shook his head, 'Not night, knight! As in Knights of the Round Table!'

Jack blinked, 'Round table, why not square? Or oval? I know - fuchsia!'

Merlin cried in frustration, 'Fuchsia is a color you stupid pirate!'

Jack gasped, 'I know that, Mr. Sty-in-the-Eye! There's nothing like fuchsia to brighten up a table...'

I shouted, 'Quiet! What crazy knight?'

Suddenly a voice cried from outside the window, 'Come out here ya yellow-bellied wipper-snapper! Fight me like a woman!'

Arthur gasped, 'That crazy knight.'

The company dashed to the window.

Swabtop blinked, 'Do knights usually run around in their underwear...?'

Jack finished, '...on a donkey?'

The knight, as Arthur said, was without a doubt mad! In his pink poka-dotted boxer shorts, he strutted about on his worn out old donkey like a peacock. I noticed his armor, more like rusty plates hammered together, creaked as his bounced around. He was definitely old, and his knobby little knees shook about as bad as the donkey, which I'm sure had arthritis. His knee socks, pink and green, were filthy like he had been running around in a sty. The feathers out of his helmet were actually spoons for heaven sake!

The knight shouted, 'Have at you!'

Merlin yelled down, 'Why do you tell us to fight like women?'

The knight shouted, 'Let us make hay while the sun shines!'

I blinked, 'What is that supposed to mean?'

Three servants ran up to the crazy knight. The knight waved his sword at them, but they ducked and managed to pull the knight from his donkey. One looked up at us, a young woman.

She cried, 'Please, don't take offense! He's been this way ever since the death of his wife!'

Jack shouted, 'Don't worry, love, no offense taken.' He smiled down at the girl, Merlin hit him over the head.

Swabtop shouted, 'Is he drunk or just plain mad?'

She sighed, 'I'm afraid his lordship is just plain mad, sir.'

Swabtop blinked, 'Lordship? The crazy man?'

The girl frowned, 'This is his castle, his grandfather built it – how could you not know this and be his guest?'

I blinked, 'We're not in the Golden Hall of King Théoden?'

The girl blinked, 'King who?'

Swabtop shouted, 'Haha! I told you we weren't in the stupid fort anymore!'

Merlin wined, 'Does this mean rum isn't a main food group?'

Jack gasped, 'Mates, how am I going to restock my sausage supply?'

Arthur, who had finally got a look at the room, shouted down to the girl, 'What's with all the pink?'

She shrugged, 'Pink is a calming color.'

The servants left, dragging their insane lord out of sight. He was still babbling about hay.

After that, we realized something had gone horribly wrong. We left our room, not bothering to fix up anyone else's appearance because we were only going to see an insane knight, and searched for the hall. Once we found it we saw the insane knight looking much saner in new clean pink clothes, pants included. This was definitely no Golden Hall of King Théoden. I attempted to explain our quest to the knight, but interruptions from Jack, who kept wanting to know where the kitchen was, slowed things up. I finally was able to explain that we were attempting to get to the summit of Barad-Dûr, and we had an interesting conversation that was soon interrupted by the Three Ring Wraiths.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. I guess insane people attract. My nose must have sensed I was traveling with a group of mad company and so brought us to this mad place during my sneezing fit.

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Crazy knights in pink underwear? WHEN WILL IT END?
Hopefully no time soon! ;)

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. School's been a real drag now that the end is approaching. Especially since all of our teachers are giving us 'last moment' tests.

RMC: I'm glad you liked it. Don't worry, they will finally meet up with Legolas... but not for a very VERY long time. And I mean very long. I'll give you a preview, though:

Legolas said, "You have my bow."

Gimli stepped forward, "And my ax!"

Jack cried, "And my sausage! ... Wait, what are we talking about?"

The original fellowship, including my past self, stared at us with a mixture of disbelief and horror. Legolas was stuttering, obviously trying to use his small elven brain to make sense of the situation and failing. Elrond, looking strangely like a fish, dropped his mouth open and made a sort of gasping noise that reminded me of a yak.

Someone how we had managed to travel back in time and place... and this time my Nose had nothing to do with it!

Merlin turned on the English assassin standing on my right, "What did you do?

Bond-James blinked, "I wasn't aware my watch could do that..."

Light of Imlaris: I LOVE YOU! That was totally AWESOME! "Oh yeah baby, grow that manly stubble!" OMG, I couldn't stop laughing! Send me another one!

glares at all other readers- How come you people didn't send me a Legolas Reply? Huh? Huh?
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