Show me mercy. Show me grace.

Cut me loose so I can drift away.

Don't give me questions that pull me in.

Don't make me think on what might have been.

Give me answers. Let me cry.

I'll scream out loud and let it die.

I don't want to love you anymore.

Don't Make Me Say…

The power of the kudo shield distorted the figure beyond. Nanao squinted and sighed before lowering the barrier. Propping her arms on her knees, she deliberately hid most of her face from the solemn gaze of Matsumoto. The buxom female sat down in the grass, neatly folding her legs to the side as she sat staring in the same direction into the trees. They sat in silence, wind playing with the leaves overhead.

Nanao removed her glasses with one hand and gave her face a swipe with her uniform sleeve.

"You could say 'I told you so' and I wouldn't blame you." Her voice shook.

Matsumoto fingered the metal loop around her neck. "No, I couldn't. Honestly, I didn't expect it to turn out like this. I knew he was a player but…" The strawberry blond slowly leaned against her friend. "I wanted it to work – for both your sakes."

Nanao's back stiffened. "It was a mistake."

Matsumoto sighed, "Perhaps, but was it really so bad? I mean, for as long as I've known you, you've never had a serious relationship."

"Do you mean the physical part?" Nanao felt herself flush and shuddered at the sudden racing of her heart. "It was better than anything I could have imagined. It was what didn't come after…"

Matsumoto abruptly drew back, almost sending Nanao tumbling on the ground. "You were really that serious?"

Gathering herself, she sent her friend a glare. "Rangiku, when have I ever not been serious?"

Matsumoto shrugged, "I just thought you knew the possibilities."

"I knew… I knew and I ignored them. And now I feel like I'm dying every time I see him"

"Tell him."

"Why? So that he can laugh, pat my head, or even worse – declare another woman won?"

"Nanao, he is someone who actually can't stand to be hurt. He has so many walls…"

"I won't tell him."

"Why not?"

Nanao clenched her hands in her lap. "It hurts too much."

Her mouth open to utter a quick retort, Matsumoto took in the drawn features and tense stance of the other woman. She sighed. "It always does."

Again they sat in silence. Nanao knew that her Captain would be wondering about her whereabouts, but decided she didn't care. Perhaps for this one afternoon she would ignore duty.

She stood and gathered her uneaten lunch. Giving a bow to Matsumoto, she straightened her glasses. "If you meet the Captain, please tell him I…"

She couldn't say she was ill, for he'd only seek her out. She couldn't say she wanted the day off because she'd already refused his lunch invitation based on her work.

"Please tell him I am on my way."

Matsumoto gave her a pout. "Just play truant for the day. No one would blame you."

Nanao shook her head. "Thank you, Rangiku."

Her friend gave her one of her rare looks – one that cut through all pretenses. "Nanao, you can't keep running from this. You work together. It will either drive you crazy, make you a drunk, or you'll have to resign."

Clutching her bento, Nanao bowed again. "I am aware of that."

"I wouldn't have lasted three months." The blond tossed her head. "I would have busted his eardrum and his nuts."

That startled a laugh out of her. "I wish I had your nerve."

As she started walking away, her friend called out one more question, "Will you ever tell him?"

She hesitated, eyes fixed on the ground. "I don't know."

The streets of Soul Society were full of the usual afternoon bustle. A few of the Eighth called out greetings to their Vice-Captain as they passed, others only nodded respectfully.

Nanao absently replied and returned the salutations while mentally trying to resort the various tasks that still waited. With her extended lunch, she knew that she would be in the office all night. She smiled bitterly. Perhaps if she let herself be late for once, she could give herself a full second day of avoiding her Captain by extending the paperwork. It was rather cowardly, but she was beyond caring.

Out of all her options, she realized that eventually she would have to resign. She couldn't be running off to have a break down whenever the need arose. For all her Captain's blindness, her behavior would eventually be questioned and need explanation. Explanation she knew would destroy what semblance of a relationship they had.

Her eyes felt dry.

Ducking behind a restaurant, Nanao turned on the water spigot next to the back door. Wetting her hands, she propped her glasses on her forehead and moistened her eyelids. A bucket caught the excess water under the spout. She checked her appearance in her reflection, adjusting her glasses, tucking a stray hair behind her ear and straightening the collar of her uniform.

"Nanao-chan has been rising too early and leaving too late for work."

She jerked upright from leaning over the bucket. It took her two tries to answer.

"You have been lax in your duties, sir."

"No more than I ever have."

She could feel his gaze sweeping over her. Eyes widening in horror, she realized that she wasn't carrying her book or fan.

I am stone.

"Sir."

He was smiling. She could hear it in his voice. "I thought you were locking yourself away in the office. Instead I find you hiding away in an alley."

Something in her snapped at the playful tone. She was tired of the banter. She was tired of the charade that was her life. Throwing away the facts brought her this pain, perhaps facing them now would end the torment.

Nanao stared down at herself in the water at her feet. "I don't see how you can act like nothing happened between us."

The statement threw him. It gave her a small sense of satisfaction mixed with exasperation that he had thought she would just let the matter slide.

But then… hadn't she considered it?

"I thought it was what you wanted. I think we both knew it would have happened eventually. In my experience, when a woman says or does one thing, it's usually the other way around."

"And that's the problem, isn't it?" She replied bluntly. "Your experience."

"Nanao, I thought –"

"If you thought you knew what I wanted, then we wouldn't be here right now. You thought only of what you wanted. Nothing more."

"That's not true."

She turned fiercely on him, eyes blazing with hurt and pride. "Isn't it? You left when it was over. You didn't even wait till morning. You," she choked, "you used me and moved on before I had time to catch my breath."

Tears were streaming unheeded down her face.

Shunsui was staring at her like a complete stranger. And really, they were strangers to one another even after so many years. They didn't know one another at all. Wide eyed, he took a few steps towards her in the narrow path.

"Nanao –"

She didn't want to hear excuses. She didn't want explanations. She just wanted it all to end. He knew. He knew that her heart was broken. Whether he'd accept that or whether he'd ignore it, she couldn't endure a second longer in his presence.

"Captain, I really can't deal with this right now. I'm filing for a leave of absence. I know you hate paperwork, so I'll delegate responsibilities before I go."

She gave him a bow that was far shorter than his position required. "Excuse me."

When his large hand caught her by the wrist she expected it. He pulled her back a step, but she held herself away from him when he tried to draw her closer.

In a voice she'd never heard from him before, he said, "I'm sorry I hurt you. But you never gave me any other reason to stay. You never asked, or I would have."

Nanao couldn't look him in the face. She slipped her hand from his and turned her back.

"I let you in. That should have said enough."

She left him standing alone in the alley.

Author's Note: It's such a sad thing… but completely plausible. To be honest, something like this happened to me. It didn't get to this point, but it hurt. The last part will be up in a couple days. Do leave a review!