The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Celebrities, Asthma and Millhole Men

Legolas,

I think I should warn you, this is probably the longest letter I have written. And now that I look back upon it, it's also probably the most stupid. But I had a lot of paper and it was either "Write a letter to Legolas" or "Sing campfire songs with Merlin." Hmm... tough decision... Besides, the postage service here costs an arm and a leg – so it's much easier to send in bulk.

I think Swabtop likes attention, and Galadriel has gone mute. She hasn't said much of anything since we've met Don Quixote. Yes, the crazy knight who wears pink. He's French, which the english King Arthur says explains everything. Anyway, Galadriel hasn't said much of anything. I count my blessings, and I hope she hasn't smothered under my hat. Occasionally she peeps out to tell us we need a bath, but other than that you would think she'd disappeared.

Also, I never knew tights were such long burners. Swabtop should go into business – Long Lasting Bun Burners!

But I am getting a head of myself, which is quite easy with my knowledge soaked head of mine. You wouldn't know what that is like, Elf-Boy. So, anyway I left off at our conversation with the insane Don Quixote. Supposedly he's quite famous, as he repeatedly reminded us. He kept wearing sunglasses saying, 'See? I'm a celebrity! I'm wearing sunglasses. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.' He is quite odd and cannot remember what the subject of the conversation is. I believe he is suffering from, not only madness, but also a server case of Short Attention-Spadness. Our conversation went around these lines...

I said, '...so as you can see, it is most imperative that we get to the summit of Barad-Dûr.'

Don Quixote stroked his stubble of a beard, 'Really? I have just returned from the summit of Barad-Dûr. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.'

Jack blinked, 'How could you miss the giant eye, Mate?'

Don Quixote took a swig of his rum, 'Giant eyes, lad?'

Jack gasped, outraged, 'Lad! I'm a Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl!'

Don Quixote laughed, 'Well, I don't know about you, but I've learned a vice president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man" who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. And an accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch!'

I said, 'That's very nice, Mr. Knight. But it is a matter of great importance that we get to the summit of Barad-Dûr, if you could show us a map and perhaps lend us some horses...'

Don Quixote said thinking, 'Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that which would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.'

Merlin nodded, 'Yes, that would bother me too.'

Swabtop frowned, 'But dogs don't really have lips... how could they hold the cigar? They'd have to bite it with their teeth and that would cut it in half!'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Of course dogs have lips! I think your tights are perhaps a bit too tight...'

Swabtop cried, 'Yes, but they aren't firm lips!'

Don Quixote rubbed his chin, 'Have you ever noticed that if you squint your eyes "Swabtop" looks like "Sweatbox"?'

I shouted, 'Gaa! We're trying to get to Barad-Dûr, not discover how dogs can smoke cigars or how squinting affects reading abilities!'

Don Quixote held up his rum glass, 'To our wives and sweethearts … and may they never meet.'

Jack said, 'Here-here.'

Arthur blinked, 'I can't imagine any woman would ever marry you, Jack Sparrow.'

Jack gasped and began to say something when Don Quixote said:

'To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'She says that would make you ancient, Gandalf.'

Something had to be in the water, I thought. That would be the only explanation for Galadriel joining in with the insanity, because being a horny toad she lived in the water. To my surprise Don Quixote had no problem that one of his guests was a powerful elven sorceress that had been turned into a horny toad. He simply told me, 'Well that's nothing, my cousin Bob got turned into a yak! It's sort of fitting, considering he's always been as ugly as a mule.'

Suddenly a large wind blew through the window, sending the pink curtains out straight like sails. Jack's hair fell off and Don Quixote snickered. Jack hit him over the head with a banana, and the mad-man passed out for a short time in his soup. (You do not want to know where Jack got the banana - trust me.) Then the smell of rotting eggs filled the room and Don Quixote shouted, 'Ewww! STINKY!' Which was a very impressive accomplishment considering he was still in the soup.

Then a voice said, 'We're back! And we've had our first successful shower in 3,000 years! That Bubbling Action really works!'

Don Quixote pulled himself out of his soup and said, 'Really? That's fascinating... Would you care for a breath mint?'

Ring Wraith #1: 'Not so fast, we're going to kill you!'

Ring Wraith #2: 'That's right – so don't any of you start singing!'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Yeah, we brought ear plugs!'

Merlin gulped, 'What are we going to do?'

Jack whispered, 'Don't worry, I've got it all figured out, mate. All we need is...'

Arthur growled, 'If you say sausage I swear I'm gonna...'

Jack hissed, 'No no! Sausage doesn't work on dead people, trust me, I know from experience. What we need are bananas and corn husks... lots of corn husks.'

Don Quixote jumped up, 'Die you evil old fart!'

The mad pink knight raised his sword – unfortunately it became very apparent that he hadn't raised his sword in a very long time because the weight tipped him off-balance and he fell backwards disappearing under the table.

Ring Wraith #1: 'Who was that guy?'

Ring Wraith #2: 'Hey! Just because I'm dead doesn't automatically make me old!'

I whispered, 'Let's run for it.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Yeah! We have feelings you know!'

The company snuck out the door and we heard Don Quixote say:

'Oh, really? Well... did you know that millhole men...'

By that time we were out of hearing range. Everyone turned to me.

Swabtop said quickly, 'Well come on Gandalf, let's do some Nose magic and be off!'

Jack whined, 'But we didn't get to try out my plan...!'

I said angrily, 'You just can't command a nose!'

Swabtop said, 'Fine! We'll just get a feather...'

I nodded, 'Yes, that sounds okay – whoa... did you just say feather?'

Arthur announced, 'I have one!'

Jack stated, 'Only Eunuchs carry around feathers...'

I backed up from Swabtop, 'What are you going to do with that-'

Swabtop lunged for my nose, 'Tickle! Tickle!'

I shouted, 'No! I'll sneeze and light you on fire!'

Swabtop, 'Stand still!'

Merlin grabbed my shoulders and Arthur held me down. Jack gulped, 'Uhhh, mates...'

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. Then I sneezed... and lit Swabtop's tights on fire.

Swabtop, 'Ahhhh! I'm on fire!'

I folded my arms, 'I told you, but no... no one listens to the wizard...'

Swabtop, 'I'm on fire! I hate fire! Little help over here! Gaaa!'

Merlin gasped, 'My! Those tights sure are smoking...!'

Jack blew on the flames, which turned into an inferno. Swabtop screamed like a sissy girl and began to jump around. But then again, if I was on fire I'd probably scream like a sissy girl, too.

King Arthur studied Swabtop intently, 'So that's a fire dance.'

Ring Wraith #1: 'There you are!'

Ring Wraith #2: 'Ha! You can't escape us!'

I said scoldingly, 'Swabtop! You're making a plume of smoke!'

Jack gasped for fresh air, 'That ain't no plume, mate. That's a signal fire!'

Jack using his hat, blew on the flames some more, but that didn't help. Jack thought suddenly, 'Perhaps I could call for help? What's the signal for S.O.S?'

Swabtop, 'Does anyone care that I'm on fire, here?'

Ring Wraith #3: 'End of the line, wizard...'

Merlin squealed, 'Ahh! It's the attack of the dead people!' - he gasped - 'I see DEAD PEOPLE!'

Swabtop, 'Hot! Burning! Hot-hot-hot! GAAA!'

Suddenly the galloping of a horse could be heard from behind the Ring Wraiths. I dived for Jack and we fell into a hay pile – just as Don Quixote, on his donkey, galloped through with a wicked looking weapon. The Ring Wraiths shrieked and glided out of the way.

Don Quixote shouted, 'Ride, my valiant steed!'

Swabtop danced out of the way, 'Hot! Urgh, burning off leg hair...!

Jack shouted, 'Go mate! Crazy knight to the rescue... waaah? – where's he going?'

Don Quixote didn't turn around and charge the Ring Wraiths, he kept galloping forward screaming a wordless war cry. The Ring Wraiths were just as stunned as we were.

Arthur blinked, 'Well, if he doesn't watch where he's going he's going to run straight into those windmills...'

We heard Don Quixote cry, 'Die you evil giants! Feel my sword arm's anger!'

Merlin's eye began to twitch, 'You've got to be kidding me...'

Don Quixote charged the windmill and hit it dead-on. His lance shattered and he was flung off his donkey. The donkey shook itself and began grazing while Don Quixote climbed to his feet shouting, 'Retreat! Run Away! Run Away!'

He ran back to the castle and as he passed us he shouted, 'They were too strong!'

Ring Wraith #1: 'What happened to that guy?'

I shrugged, 'Wife died – went insane.'

Ring Wraith #2: 'His wife died?'

Ring Wraith #3: 'And he went insane for love of her!' sob

Ring Wraith #1: 'That is so sniffle romantic.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'If I had a husband I'd want him to go insane if I died.' sob

Ring Wraith #2: 'Yeah..' pause 'Ahh... we're men.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Well... if I did have a husband -'

Swabtop, 'In case no one's noticed... I'm on fire! Fire – you know, the burning stuff?'

I rolled my eyes – it was time for another miracle by Gandalf the Grey. I looked around for something to smother the fire with. Then, with the help of Jack and King Arthur we proceeded to chuck dirt clods at Swabtop. Surprisingly, he did not appreciate our help one bit. Merlin, being the dumb man he is, threw at water bottle at him... only he sort of forgot to unscrew the cap. So now Swabtop was dazed and on fire. Man, I never knew tights produced slightly blue with a tinge of purple smoke! I rushed forward to help, when I particular nasty burst of smoke hit me in the face. My beard will smell like smoke for at least a week. I sneezed... and we are now – somewhere else...

So here we are, singing campfire songs – to the burning firelight of Swabtop's tights. (He's wearing King Arthur's cape – no, we didn't leave him inside the burning tights – stupid elf!)

Gandalf the Clogged-Nostrils Grey – yes, I'm still getting soot out of my nose... It's a big nose!

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Gandalf's Campfire songs! Get the complete sound track HERE!

Hyperactive Forever: As you've probably discovered - no, the Pink Knight has no relation to the Black Knight. Unless, of course, I decide farther down the line that such a relation would be of interest...

RMC: Band people rock! I should know, I am one of the Band People. Yea!

crazyrabidfangirl: How to you pronounce "MALINGINO"?

Legolas's Girl 9: I did not understand your last review at all! Something about Shrek and Donkey...?
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