READER ALERT:

Okay, everyone's watched 007: Die Another Day? Good.

Just so you know, this takes place right after James Bond has been traded for Zao (the guy with the expensive acne) and right before M has had a chance to debrief him...

The Lost Letters of Gandalf

The Top Secret Hairy Man

Dear Legolas,

At the moment we are hiding out in the stronghold of this filthy rich evil man, Gustav Graves, who's obsessed with ice, diamonds and has the ultimate diabolical weapon of destruction that could bring the world to its knees! Well, that's what he calls it. (No, He is not Gustav Graves.) He is one of the 'coolest cats' the company has ever met as Swabtop put it. We call him BB, while he claims to be Her Majesty's most debonair and deadly secret agent I'm convinced he's the leader of a Girl Scout Troop. (But of course, he's not manly enough to admit it.) This is how it all started.

We were shivering in the cold, huddling around the blazing bon fire that had become Swabtop's tights. He was particularly grouchy that evening – probably because he had a headache from Merlin's brilliant solution of 'Throw a water bottle at his head!' and probably because King Arthur's cape made it look like he was wearing a hula skirt – so mostly we tried to be extra nice to him. At least we were nice until he punched Arthur in the nose. I can't understand it, all Arthur said was, 'Well, if anything – you have a great future career in fire dancing.'

But Swabtop was the least of our problems. As Jack pointed out, the Ring Wraiths might have been brought here with us so we have to be extra careful. I decided we had to hide in a top secret location. So we found an abandoned building that was actually a giant hospital housing people of great importance. Or so we thought.

As we walked around the hospital – Swabtop managed to distract the nurses while pretending to be a lost man with no pants and so we sneaked in. We dressed ourselves up in doctor outfits except for Jack who went as a nurse – anyway, as we walked around we found a door that said 'Level Ten Security Only'.

I said, 'Hmm.. it appears that something of great importance is behind this door.'

Merlin asked, 'Importance? As in top-secret medical experiments?'

Arthur, 'Or gold?'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'A cure for warts?'

Jack added in his high pitch nurse voice, 'Maybe it's rum! Or it could be beer – I don't think they serve rum at hospitals.'

I said, 'There's only one way to find out, as we wizards know! The only way to see what's behind Door #1 is to open Door #1.'

I opened the door and we all walked in. Behind a glass shield was a hairy man wearing blue ragged clothes and looked to be suffering from sever lack of nourishment.

Jack said in disappointment, 'No rum?'

Suddenly the hairy man convulsed and a long beep filled the room. There was a certainly finality to it that sent a shiver down my spine. Suddenly alarms blared and lights flashed.

Arthur looked around frantically, 'The sky is falling!'

Swabtop gasped, 'We've been discovered!'

But Jack waddled over to the hairy man, (I phased him through the glass) he trying very hard not to trip in his high heels. He commented, 'The beep is coming from his poor fellow – I think he hit the bucket.'

Merlin cried, 'No – his heart has stopped!'

Arthur clapped his hands over his mouth which muffled his cries of, 'His heart has stopped? His heart has stopped?'

I thought hard, as only great wizards can, 'There's a human technique I know – CPR. Perhaps one of you should perform it.'

Arthur gasped, 'CPR? CPR? I can't even spell it!'

Jack crackled his knuckles, 'Watch the master at work.'

Jack quickly opened the man's mouth and blew in the air from his own lung. Then he pumped on the man's chest and repeated the process. We stood absolutely still.

Maybe it was the fact Jack had been slugging the man in the stomach with all his might, or maybe it was the fact of his bad breath, or perhaps because some of his twigs fell out of his mud hair mass and hit him in the head, or it might just have been the fact that Jack had a beard – but that man woke up mighty fast.

He sat up and said something around the lines of, 'BLECH!'

Arthur cried, 'He's alive? He's alive?'

Swabtop commented, 'You know, that's getting kind of old.'

The man looked at us, especially Jack in his dress and high heels, while wiping his mouth on his sleeve and shuddering. He said, 'Please tell me you aren't the usual doctors.'

I said with a bow, 'I am Gandalf the Grey.'

The man blinked, 'Is that important?'

I gasped and my eyes almost popped out of my head, 'Important? I'll have you know I am a great wizard with incredible nasal powers at my disposal! So don't test me, silly little man who needs a hair cut!'

Jack interrupted, 'And I'm not a doctor! I'm a nurse! See? I'm wearing a pink dress. Only nurses wear dresses. Unless of course you're a Eunuch.'

The man said, 'If you're a nurse, you're the ugliest woman I've ever seen – no offense. What happened to your hair?'

I said, 'Oh, he doesn't have hair. It's mud - with twigs in it. We lit it on fire once. Actually' – I pointed to Merlin – 'he did it.'

Merlin gasped, 'Well, we were in a hurry to see the King! What did you expect me to do?'

The man blinked, 'You've met the King?'

I folded my arms, 'I told you we were important.'

Swabtop said, 'But as it turned out he wasn't a king.'

King Arthur added, 'Oh no, he turned out to be a crazy old fart that rode around on a donkey. But I'm a king – if that helps.'

The man said nodding, 'Oh I see.' You could tell he thought us all mad, either that or deeply mentally disturbed.

He said, 'Well, I am' – he paused for dramatic effect – 'Bond, James Bond.'

Merlin chuckled, 'So I guess you have an adhesive personality, huh?'

Merlin laughed at his own joke. We all stared at him. Merlin sighed, 'You know 'bond' as in bonding together – adhesives?'

The silence continued.

Merlin folded his arms, 'Well I thought it was funny. Besides, what kind of an idiot names their kid after their own last name?'

I tested it, 'Bond-James Bond, you're right. That's even a worser name than being named after a tree – Legolas Greenleaf.'

Bond-James said, 'Excuse me, but I don't think "worser" is even a word.'

Jack Sparrow said, 'Word or no word, it's even worser than Swabtop!'

I added, 'Or being named after a bird!'

Jack Sparrow blinked, 'Hey! Wait a minute!'

Arthur said, 'I thought we were looking for a stupid mountain.'

Bond-James said rather loudly, 'I assume M will come to debrief me.' He was trying very hard to be cool and ignore us.

Merlin scratched his head, 'You want to get debriefed by a letter of the alphabet?'

Swabtop frowned, "Aren't briefs underwear? How do you get de-briefed?"

Arthur suddenly screamed in terror, "Nasty images! Ohhh! The nasty images in my mind!"

Jack gasped, "Are you one of those weird men that wear Fruit of the Loom? - Those are all Eunuchs, you know."

I said quickly, 'Forget them, do you know where the summit of Barad-Dûr is? Well, I know where it is – (I am a wizard after all!) – I just don't know how to get there from here. We must destroy the Ring of Power, for if returned into the hands of Sauron he would use it to enslave the race of Men and cover the land with an overpowering darkness!'

Bond-James said, 'That sounds bad... but also very fascinating. Now could you perhaps get me out of here?'

I shrugged, 'Sure.'

I tapped the glass, which shattered silently, and then I snapped my fingers and the restraints fell off him.

Bond-James said, 'That's a useful trick.'

I nodded, 'It does come in handy some times, but that is what we wizards are – Handymen!'

Gandalf the Handy-Dandy Grey (and don't you forget it!)

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Ah ha! Who better to join the Funky Fellowship than an Englishman who lacks proper cleaniness skills?

Princess Siara: It's nice to know someone likes these things! Thanks for all the lovely reviews! I'm updating as fast as my little fingers can! (Actually I'm not - I've been very lazy since I had finals to study for, and I guess it became kind of a habit... If it makes you feel better you can hit me with a sasuage.)
I believe you deserve a Wacked Star for all your reviews... but first I have to go see what I have in stock...

Legolas's Girl 9: I'm sorry you've seen it a million times... I can relate. :)

Treymane: Oh, don't give me too much credit. I've never read Don Quixote either!

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