The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(007 is not a Girl Scout Troop)

Elf-Boy,

In my last letter we had just encountered the strange hairy man who is known as Bond-James. A strange sort of fellow, to be sure. Anyways...

We left the hospital together and I explained all about the Ring of Power and the destruction it had caused. So we made a deal. We would help Bond-James get revenge (using some of my magical skills) and he would, in return, help us destroy the Ring of Power.

We came to a river, avoiding the hospital guards. Quickly we jumped in, but neither King Arthur nor Merlin knew how to swim. So Bond-James and I had to carry them which was really hard to do – especially once all Merlin's robes became water-logged. Fortunately, I was tall enough that all Merlin had to do was sit on my shoulders to breath air. Being a wizard, while oxygen is the preferred breather, we have been known to be able to breath underwater.

That night we stayed in first class rooms at a hotel. Wet and chilled to the bone we marched to the reception desk and ordered two Presidential suits. The man behind the desk looked at us funny, but Bond-James simply said, 'They're French.'

Jack made sure they brought lots of sausage to our room. After walking up several flights of stairs – I didn't trust this contraption called the elevator. "Elevator" sounds like some sort of Orc torture device – we all piled into a darkened room and the bellboy flicked a switch and turned on the sun.

I cried, 'Oh my beardy!'

Merlin gasped and walked over to the switch, 'Day' – he flicked it down – 'Night!' - he flicked it up – 'Day!'

Swabtop jumped, ecstatic, on the bed, 'DISCO, BABY!'

Arthur cried, 'No, Swabtop! Don't let the madness take you, too!'

Bond-James opened the door, now dressed in a suit and tie he said, 'Are you finding everything...'

Arthur suddenly grabbed a book off the bed, 'Look! Reading material!'

Bond-James blinked, obviously not accustomed to being interrupted.

He explained about the double agent giving information to the enemy, compromising his mission and leading to his capture. I knew how that felt – Sarumon was never far from my mind. How close was he to getting the Ring? Was Frodo prevailing? Had Gimli gotten them all killed yet – I still thought Galadriel was wrong about the whole "stupid Legolas" thing. Legolas may not have all the brains, but he certainly has all the arrows.

The double agent was important enough to have highly classified files, and clever enough not to get caught. Bond-James was also on the lookout for the Korean, Zao. Though, what kind of name "Zao" is I cannot say. Even Bond-James is better than that!

As we sat in a bar in a hot land called Cuba, I asked Bond-James, 'How do you think Zao has managed to avoid detection all these years. I'm sure you aren't the only person out to get him.'

Bond-James set down his binoculars, 'True; Zao has friends in high places – rich high places.'

I nodded, 'Which is how he can afford to have himself genetically altered into a different person. Just curious – but how did you get into this mess?'

Bond-James chucked, 'I'm 007.'

I blinked, '007? Isn't that a Girl Scout Troop Number? How does a Girl Scout Leader get into this much trouble? What'd you do? Refuse to sell Zao Thin Mints?'

Bond-James glared at me, 'I am not a Girl Scout Troop Leader.'

I nodded, 'All right, but denial is the first step to acceptance you know.'

Bond-James said, 'I am not a Girl Scout Leader! Good grief, man! - I'm not even a girl!'

I sighed, 'Just keep fooling yourself, Bond-James.'

I stood up from the bar, took a final swig of my Apple Juice and whacked our newest companion on the shoulder. Jack had told me this is how male friends greet each other, or say good-bye, or to make a point. In other words, just hit him. I don't think I did it quite right, because I knocked Bond-James off his bar stool and sent him flying some five feet into the air and across the floor.

I said, 'Oopsy – I guess I did that a bit too hard, then?'

Jack, however, gave me a thumbs up from the table. What a strange male ritual. Do elves have anything like this? Or do they just shoot people?

Anyway after this we met up with Gustav Graves fellow at a fencing club in the United Kingdom. (Arthur says he feels quite at home, he says it reminds him exactly of Britain.) Bond-James challenged him to a duel to test him and put him on edge and rattle things up a bit; for he expected it was Graves who was funding Zao's new look. Bond-James had managed to hook up again with his Boss, who was kind enough to gave him that information. (Did I mention Zao escaped from Cuba? Even with a new friend Jinx – a girl with too many guns – he managed to escape. As slippery as Hobbit on ice, Zao is!) Unfortunately, during their duel, Jack got so enraptured he just had to join in – plus he wanted to try out some moves he got from some crazy man in Singapore. Anyway, in the process of fighting random terrified fencing students he managed to get his head lit on fire again. (Probably when he tripped over Swabtop's hula dress and fell into the fireplace. We still hadn't found Swabtop any slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights yet – he refuses to wear pants.) So then we had a screaming pirate running around with a sword with his head on fire. That really rattled things up.

To put Jack's blazing head out, Merlin and Arthur had to hold him still while I attempted to whack of the mass of burning mud, twigs, leaves, grass clumps and pumpkin pieces off his head with my staff. Galadriel finally got tired of us and called in a violent rainstorm which accidentally turned into a tornado, which Bond-James said was quite unusual weather for London. It put out Jack's head, but also came with some unforeseeable side affects.

Apparently Graves got caught in the middle of the tornado – and as Bond-James put it, 'Gustav Graves isn't in Kansas anymore.'

Fortunately, Graves invited us to his ice palace stronghold in Iceland before he took his little trip.

So now we are in Iceland – and Jack is now bald and his head reflects the light off the snow. It's nice for communicating across long distances because by catching the light you can flash something Bond-James calls Morris Code. Bond-James thinks this should now come standard.

Gandalf the Blue

P.S. Blue is right! It's so darn cold out – even the top of Merlin's head is blue!

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Tornado! Tornado! Can't you just picture frenzied London citizens running in circles and screaming with cute little British accents?

Note: For all you older reviewers, you should probably check out the 8th Letter: Dead Men Tell No Tales! (Whomever said this is a big, fat liar!) – it explains where Swabtop comes from. I put it in a long time ago, but I never bothered to tell anyone! So typical of me - lol

Princess Siara: Thanks for the kind words. It's been a rough time for me, and I honestly thought I would be recovered by now – I guess, when it comes to death, I really don't know what to do...

Ouch! That brautwurst hurt! I've been eternally scared... and no, the glass was not breakaway.

Now for your Whacked Star! People who have reviewed to every single chapter receive a weird variation of a gold star as a prize! And now it's your turn! I already gave away my six foot star and the star with the sticky back side and the star that has a pin so you can wear it on your shirt... but your star comes with a link to my All-Outrageous Face-Color-Changing Satellite! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! To operate, simply aim star worn on wrist at the desired target and state a color. The Satellite will then automatically lock onto the target and, with a fancy-dancy laser, will change their face to the color you previously stated. If the target is someone you passionately dislike, I suggest picking a color that will clash horribly with their outfit, or a color like puke-green or doggie-poo brown...

lupin-sirius-luva: Guess what! Winnie shall show up soon after the Bond-James Letters!

Icy Sapphire15: Oops, you did spell adiou wrong – it's adieu. Don't worry though, we won't hold it against you. Congrats on turning 15! In honor of your passing from 14 to 15, I shall now do the ritual suasuage birthday-dance... I suggest you quickly look away... Since you talked about updating your age on your profile I went to check it out: "Age- -holds up 15 fingers- I'M THIS MANY! -looks at fingers- What the hell?" That totally made me burst out laughing! LOL

MegTao: Glad to like the Letters! Hope they're giving you a belly ache! (From laughing so hard, that is...)

Okay, Silwyth! Stop writing review replies and get Letter writing! And for all you readers out there... Review! ('Cause I know where you live... Bwa-ha-ha-ha!)
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