The
Lost Letters of Gandalf
(The Hidden Use of
Spatulas)
Elf-Boy,
In my last letter I ended at the ice stronghold of Gustav Graves.
Inside Swabtop caused quite a scene with his hula dress fashion statement. Plus, I think he scared one of the waiters when he demanded some slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights as a replacement. They haven't come yet – but it was a particularly odd order.
Other than that, Merlin was trying desperately to get a date all evening, while King Arthur was desperately trying to escape all the girls that had been caught in his non-existent charm. I guess Arthur is very good looking by human standards. All these reporters keep saying he could be an Orlando Bloom look-alike. Of course I have no idea who this Orlando Bloom is – I don't bother myself with human nonsense...
After getting a few drinks at the bar, (I was careful Jack didn't order anything stronger than water) Graves wanted to show us his new creation. Icarous. "Like a Diamond in the Sky" it reflected the sun's light onto us – even though it was 11:00pm! Or at least that's what he claimed. He took us outside into the freezing cold and pressed a few buttons after giving a speech that made my nose start to snore. Several reporters began to look at us oddly and Bond-James hastily shoved his earmuffs up my nostrils in attempt to subdue the noise.
Then there was a flash of blinding light and we were all – can you guess? - blinded!
Swabtop shrieked, 'It's blinded me!'
Jack swayed, stumbled and passed out at the same time, 'Pretty lights...'
I turned on Merlin, 'I thought I told you to keep that pirate away from the rum! Hey... I'm not blinded!'
Merlin swung around, arms out stretched (he was blinded also) and sailed into Arthur who gave out a yelp. 'It's not my fault! He had a extremely pointy weapon!'
I blinked, 'You're insane! Galadriel vanished his sword ages ago.'
Swabtop cried, 'It's blinded me!'
Galadriel croaked with agreement from under my hat. (We had thought it best, especially Bond-James, if we just hid Galadriel so we didn't have to explain how she was actually an elven sorcerous who was accidentally turned into a horny toad because of a pirate and so on. Bond-James thought that this small fact might cause complications.)
Merlin growled, 'Well, he's got one now! I think he stole it from Don Quixote – either that or the fencing club. How long will this blindness last?'
Bond-James said quietly, 'You're supposed to put on the sunglasses.'
Merlin, 'Sunglasses? What's wrong with the wineglasses?'
Swabtop shouted, 'I'm blind!'
Arthur stumbled over Swabtop's skirt, 'Yes! We know that – shut up! I'm blind too!'
Jack said, 'Snore'
Bond-James hissed, 'Stop that, all of you, you're embarrassing me! You're worse than my mother!'
After that Bond-James locked us in our rooms while he went searching for the control box of Icarous. We had to get Jack in on a stretcher, but he woke up in a flash when we dangled sausage above his nose.
We knew Bond-James was on a secret mission of enormous importance, so natrually we had to help. We had already decided he needed all the help he could get – especially since he was British. So far all the British seemed to be a bunch of ninny girls. (To this Arthur exclaimed, 'We are not! I'm telling my mommy on you!') We could not let Bond-James fail! Of course, first we had to get out of our room.
The walls and doors where made of ice, and so the logical choice of action was to melt the ice - preferably by using my nose. However, Swabtop was still terrified of that prospect, he had quite recently developed a strange fear of fire... So we decided to chop through the ice with Jack's sword. Well, that didn't really work because Jack accidentally threw it out the window. It was up to I, Gandalf the Grey, to come up with yet another miracle! First I tried sneezing on it, but the chilly temperatures had my nose running and everybody whose anybody knows you can't blow fire out your nose if it's congested with snot. That being a failure, I quickly instructed my fellow companions to lick the door to death. According to my calculations the combined efforts of our licking, tongue heat, and saliva, would melt straight through the ice. I let the rest of the company go first and was surprised to see that their tongues froze to the ice. They were quite efficiently stuck. And I must say, it was down right hilarious.
I stroked my beard, attempting to contain my laughter, 'Apparently ice is quite a useful construction material.'
Merlin mumbled, 'Humphoooml woomph pazuu.'
However they were freed when the waiter came in with Swabtop's order of tights. I had ordered a spatula, and together we were able to pry their tongues lose. I always knew there was more to spatulas than flipping eggs. Obviously a very intelligent person with perhaps a bit too much time on his hands invented this wonderful devise. I have added a loop to my belt and ordered another titanium spatula to add to my collection of strange but useful items lucky Men have managed to invent. Among these are the toothpick – very clever – an erasable pen – I still haven't figured out how they do that – a box of tissues with lotion! - my nose will except nothing other than Puffs – and a can opener. I've never actually met a can, but when I do I'll be ready!
Anyway, back to our dilemma. Now all we had to do was find Bond-James and save the world! (It seems to me the world needs saving very often.) Unfortunately, I'm somewhat uncertain how to navigate this place of ice... I shall just have to use my clogged nose.
Gandalf the Clogged Boogies, Grey
?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?I love ice... I love cream... I love ice cream... wait... where am I? And why are all you people staring at me?
Legolas's Girl 9: What's the hairbrush song?
Mrsblonde1503: It's good to hear from you again... I'm sorry you hurt yourself, and that now your sister probably thinks you're insane... :D
Princess Siara: You're the second person to come to me with the "KILL BARNEY!" idea... don't worry, I'll be sure that Gandalf visits and makes a little havoc. - grins wickedly -?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?