The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(Jack Sparrow can't Swim)

Dear Legolas,

We are somewhere warm again! Actually we're in a forest and I have no idea where we are, but at least it's warm. (Well, I do have an idea of where we are... my brain is, after all, thirty times the size of yours, Legolas.) The only down side is we smell terrible – probably due to our encounter with the Ring Wraiths. I guess they did follow us through my nose accident. (I really need to sigh up for those Nasal Help Classes...) Oh yeah, and we think Jack Sparrow is dead, but I'll get to that later.

Anyway, we finally met up with Bond-James outside the place of ice. (None of us could find an exit, so the waiter recommended we tried going out the window – he's very clever for a guy who serves tights.) There Bond-James was slightly shaken (something about lasers and a large man aptly named Mr. Kill) and was about to jump into one of those speedy skiing cars, ones that could travel faster than sound. Before he shut the door the Company all sucked in their stomachs and we squeezed in. It was sort of nice really. Because the skin had been ripped off their tongues, due to me prying them lose with my new titanium spatula, they were unable to talk. All except Galadriel, but technically she couldn't talk to begin with. Unfortunately, Jack began to breathe – and he has very bad breath.

Bond-James wrinkled his nose, 'Good heavens! What on earth is that horrid stench?'

I said solemnly, 'You don't want to know.'

As Bond-James hit the pedal we flew off at amazing speeds, I thought it was all very nice (I like saying '...all very nice...') until I turned around. A giant beam of sun powered laser light, one the creations of Gustav Graves no doubt, was chasing us. Everything it touched was instantly vaporized due to the intensity of the blaze, from glacier caps to those cheap little white plastic forks elves use -they ALL melted! It began to get very warm and I began to sweat. Except, being a wizard, I sweat in all the wrong places so then I had soggy underwear.

I gulped, 'That's not good, is it.'

Bond-James snorted, 'No – you think?' I doubted he was referring to my soggy underpants.

I smiled, 'Actually, I think quite often. It's one of my favorite past-times, I also - '

Swabtop clamped his hand over my mouth. The beam was getting closer and we were heading for a cliff. I tapped Bond-James on the shoulder.

Bond-James gritted his teeth, 'I'm sort of busy at the moment.'

I nodded, 'I know, but I'd just think I should point out we're heading for the edge of a predominately high cliff.'

The glacier came to a sudden end right ahead of us, but Bond-James, being the Girl Scout Leader he was, didn't realize the danger and drove straight over it. Normally, I would have saved myself, but everyone was squashed and I couldn't move. (In fact, Swabtop was sitting on my lap – which was beginning to, as the Men say, Freak Me Out.) I debated wrinkling my nose, or wiggling my ears but I wasn't entirely sure that would be the best course of action.

As we raced onward it quickly became very apparent that Bond-James had his brains somewhere other than in his head. Words like 'imbecilic', 'moronic', and 'mental defective' raced through my mind. At this point the company decided they should probably say something other than, 'Mugh' or 'Ugh.' Jack suddenly began to struggle, slamming an "Already in a Fowl Mood" Merlin into the window.

Jack exclaimed as we fell over the edge, 'Someone's touching my buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt!'

Bond-James ignored the woeful cries of the infamous pirate and skillfully pressed a little yellow button as skillfully as one can. A giant claw popped out of the back of the vehicle, making a small farting noise I might add, and caught itself on the rock. Instead of directly plummeting to a icy death we were now dangling by a thread which creaked and groaned under our combined weight. I wasn't so sure which circumstance was better.

Bond-James said, 'We'll only have a few seconds – hurry!'

The top of the speeder opened and Bond-James climbed out and began doing... something. We all looked down through the opening. Swabtop leaned farther out to get a better looking, holding onto my beard, 'That's a long, long, long, long, long way down.'

Arthur cried, 'If we die - ' he turned to Jack '- I'm sorry for touching your butt.'

Jack began to twitch.

Bond-James shouted from above, 'Climb aboard – we're parasailing out of this chaos filled jumble of turmoil.'

Swabtop turned to me, 'What'd he just say?'

I replied, 'Just humor him, he's British.'

Merlin wrapped me in a bear hug as he looked down at the sea below us, 'I'm afraid of far away things!'

I patted Merlin's back while he began to sob and drool on my shoulder, 'Please stop. My cloak is dry clean only, and I doubt we're going to find a dry cleaners while we're hanging on a string about to plummet to our almost sure deaths.'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'How long did it take you to figure that out?'

I frowned dangerously, eyes flashing, '500 years. What's it to you?'

Bond-James managed to get most of us onto his 'escape device'. It was this yellow structure that was shaped like a tube cut in half, or a stalk of celery without the leaves, which was made of thin aluminum – either that or cheap plastic. We, excluding Jack who was still dawdling in the racing vehicle, stuck our feet under the various wiring and protruding edges for grip and the only thing to hang onto was ourselves. Of course, when I mean 'ourselves' I'm talking about my beard. I don't know why most people, when in life threatening situations, have a tendency for holding onto my beard. Perhaps I shall conduct a survey, after The Funky Fellowship and I have destroyed the Ring of course. But I think I've figured out why everyone was clutching me in fear in this particular scenario, you see – Bond-James was the one wearing the parachute. So, I guess that made it a more of a 'fall to your death device' but, at any rate, we were going to do just that anyway...

Jack shouted, 'Not without my effects!'

I rolled my eyes, 'Get on, you stupid swashbuckler.'

Jack did not respond, but leap back into the speeder which lurched violently.

Swabtop explained, 'His hat got lodged under one of the seats.'

Arthur brightened, 'So that's why he kept mumbling about his brain catching cold!'

Merlin grumbled, 'If he had a brain...'

And the company, except Jack and Bond-James (who was too dignified to laugh at our trivial jokes), began to giggle.

Bond-James looked up, 'Jack, you may want to hurry.'

The glacier was collapsing before our very eyes. What happened next happened so fast I could do nothing about it. Merlin looked up and squealed as great ice boulders began tumbling down around us. The hair-challenged Man who calls himself a Wizard lunged at Bond-James who was the only thing keeping us attached to the glacier. At this same moment Jack raised his hand above his head in triumph shouting, 'I got my hat! And it's happy to see me!' Then Bond-James, startled by Merlin's desperate lunge, dropped the rope connecting us. We began to fall, then an updraft of air caught Bond-James' parachute and we began to soar away to safety.

Jack looked around stupidly, 'Where'd everybody go?'

Arthur gasped, 'You forgot the pirate! He's going to die!'

Merlin blinked, 'So that's why it smells so clean...'

We watched as the pirate began to plummet towards the ocean as the string holding the speeder broke with a loud "Twang!" He waved his arms and legs quite comically, and kept trying to use his hat as a parachute. Of course, he only fell faster.

Merlin asked nervously, 'He can swim, right?'

I rolled my eyes, 'He's a pirate – besides, I've seen him do a lovely swan dive.'

Arthur gulped, 'Then why is he screaming?'

I said, 'Oh, don't worry – that's simply reflex.'

We soared gently through the air, watched Jack make a giant splash which we all agreed was at least a nine, then we landed softly on some snow. I brushed some snowflakes from my bread and straighten my grey robes.

Bond-James immediately demanded, 'What's that smell?'

Ring Wraith #1, 'We don't smell, thank you very much!'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Yeah, no thanks to you guys!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'We got stuck with that freak, old French guy! He wouldn't shut up about mill hole men!'

Bond-James frowned, 'What French guy?'

I said quickly, 'Don Quixote.'

Yes, of course. We had left the Ring Wraiths behind with Don Quixote. I had almost hoped they would have stayed there. But, like most undead things, you can't keep a good Ring Wraith down. Suddenly, one of the Ring Wraith's cocked his head little a dog and stared intently at Swabtop. It reminded me of a cocky spaniel... or is that corcker?

Ring Wraith #2, 'Weren't you previously on fire?'

Swabtop shifted uncomfortably and clutched his new tights subconsciously. Bond-James' eyes lit up with understanding.

Bond-James said brightly, 'Oh, so that's why you were running around in a hula skirt.'

Arthur replied indignantly, 'Excuse me, that was my cape.'

Bond-James frowned, 'But all the pink flowers on it...'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Pink flowers?"

Arthur cried, 'You don't know me!'

Then the King of England ran off screaming, slipped on a patch of ice, fell on his bum and began to wail for his mum. (Haha Elf-Boy, not only am I an ingenious wizard – I can also rhyme!) We all began to laugh, but Arthur only wailed louder.

Ring Wraith #1, 'He fell on his arse!'

Arthur shouted back, 'Well... POO ON YOU!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Ha ha ha! The king said "POO!" '

Galadriel croaked loudly.

Swabtop translated, 'In case you've forgotten, your poor pirate friend is out there drowning.'

Ring Wraith #3, 'I was wondering why no one was asking me if I was a eunuch...'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're a eunuch?'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Technically, we're dead.'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're a dead eunuch?'

I shouldn't have been surprised. Bond-James had never encountered the Ring Wraiths before. Dead eunuch knights would drive just about anyone mad.

Bond-James gasped, 'Wait a minute, Don Quixote isn't French! He's Spanish!'

Merlin blinked, 'And that matters because why?'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Hey! You can't change the subject – we were about to kill you!'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're an ax-murdering dead eunuch?'

I turned to the Ring Wraiths, 'If you're going to kill us would you please hurry? I don't know if I can take much more of this.'

Swabtop peered out at the freezing water, 'Hey, Jack stopped drowning... Now he's underwater blowing bubbles! Stupid pirate, having fun at a time like this...'

Merlin whacked him, 'He's not playing! Those are his few last breaths leaving him! It's called "Final Stage Before That Last Stage" which we call "DEATH"!'

Arthur stopped crying for him Mum long enough to look up and scream, "Death? Death?"

Merlin said quickly, 'Erm... I mean "That Last Stage Where Life Is Painfully, Slowly, and Untimely Terminated.'

I turned and noticed that Jack was indeed in the "Final Stage Before That Last Stage" which we call "That Last Stage Where Life Is Painfully, Slowly, and Untimely Terminated". One clue was the fact he was turning blue, another was the fact that several sausages were floating out of his pockets and he wasn't even trying to eat them. A strange feeling moving through my gut and I believe I felt a surge of gasp could this be... loyalty?

I shouted, "Yo Ho! I'll save you, Captain!" Then I slipped on Arthur, who had slipped on a a patch of ice, and I fell on my nose. It hurts when you fall on your nose, Legolas, but worse... it made my nose MAD. You do not want to make my nose mad, especially MAD mad.

It hurt so bad, I wrinkled it. And my nose was so mad it invoked it's Nose Powers and so now we're in this forest... someplace warm... and we think Jack Sparrow's dead... and I just noticed I am sitting in a giant elephant dropping... why me?

Gandalf "I'm Never Going to Get THIS Off" Grey

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Hi – no, your mind was not playing tricks on you. Jack Sparrow is dead! - shurggs - What did you think was going to happen? The title of the Letter was, after all, "Jack Sparrow Can't Swim". You should now Review and tell me what you think of my sudden, unexpected, twist of events. -laughs evilly-

-singing- Oh little elephants hopping through the forest with their spit-ulas...! Lalala – blah!

OobecGee: Ha! I can sing about elephants, too, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

Marvinlebt42: I'm on your favorites list! Yea! I feel special now.

Kitty Kat-Chan: How did I come up with the idea? Well, it all started the day I met this man from Nantucket...

Princess Siara: Thanks for the hug! I'm doing good. Did you say Star Wars? You bet Star Wars! And never forget Star Trek!

MegTao: Thanks for the compliment – I try to come up with new stuff. I hope I'm doing a good job:D

Legolas's Girl 9: A cucumber would sing a hairbrush song...

Mrsblonde1503: Puddle Lane... hmm...

Hyperactive Forever: What would a Swabtop be without his tights? I'm updating as fast as I can!
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