The Lost Letters of Gandalf
(Reminiscing About Jack)
Dear Legolas,
We held a funeral for Jack, and Merlin sang a song he made up in Jack's honor. Bond-James commented that it sounded a whole lot like the Brady Bunch – only stupider. It went sort of like this:
There
was a pirate,
Who was named Jack Sparrow!
He wore a hat and was
a smelly ugly dude!
He
had a goatee, and a bald head -
His breath smelled like poo!
He fell off a glacier, and he landed in the waters with a splat!
He started failing, his arms like windmills,
He then sort of drown...
So
yeah this pirate,
He
was kind of special,
He
had strange obsessions with eunuchs and tooth picks too!
But
his favorite, was the sausage...
(slight
pause)
Because
it always made him fart!
It
made him fart! (lalalalalalala)
It
made him fart! (lalalalalalala)
He
like sausage 'cause it always made him fart! (lalalalalalala!)
King Arthur sung the "lalalalalalala" part. After they finished the song, Swabtop commented that it was the lamest thing he had ever heard. I, personally, think it did quite well at describing Jack... especially the liking sausage part. Though, I must admit, ending a eulogy song with the word "fart" is a bit odd.
And so, with Jack's funeral behind us, I can only think one thing: I am lost.
Not physically, of course. It is literally impossible for us wizards to get lost. You see, wizards have a large build up of iron ore in the bridge of our noses – acts just like a compass. And I have a very big compass, I mean nose.
Actually, I am speaking in more of a mental sense.
Because, now that I've finally washed off all my elephant poop, I just keep asking myself, "Now that Jack's gone... who will I make fun of?" I mean, he was my very first convert to The Funky Fellowship of the Ring in Case that Stupid Gimli/Legolas Gets Them All Killed. We have been through lots of adventures. Like the time we were captured by his evil arch-enemy Barbossa... and he ended up drooling on me. Or the time that we turned Galadriel into a Horny Toad... which was actually all his fault. Or the time we sang, River Danced, and showed off our Hairy Man Legs to scare off the Ring Wraiths... but mostly that just ended up scaring me. Yes – the good times...
But, of course, when you think about him. He was loyal, brave, undaunted, unique... erm... very unique, smelly, bald, drunk, highly obsessed with sausage, called everyone he met a eunuch, kept muttering about pumpkin flavored gum balls, and was convinced fuchsia solved just about anything!
Okay, when you put it like that... WHOOO HOO! I'M FREEEEEEEEE! YEAH, BABY! FREEEEEEEEE! FREE CHEESY BREAD!
I'm so excited, I think I'll make some waffles.
Gandalf the Highly Liberated, Grey
P.S. Though I might add, Galadriel is very put out that she was not given the privilege of extracting her revenge out of Jack before he... snuffed it. (Anytime we say "died" Arthur starts hyperventilating.)
?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?All who wish to order the "Jack Go Bye-Bye" song, please speak to my manager. Please Review, or I'll sick Jack's ghost on you!
Princess Siara: I'm glad you like Jack's new state of existence. A strawberry bubble bath, eh? I'll have to give that a try...
Hershey.xoxo.Kisses: I'm glad my crazy Letters have cheered you up! It's nice to know all my work has done something productive! Yea!
Hyperactive Forever: Yes – I shall help you beat the Ring Wraiths with sticks! Death to the Ax-Murdering Dead Eunuchs!
MegTao: The Funky Fellowship just doesn't seem that funky without Jack, does it? Thanks for the reviews!?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?-?