READER ALERT:
Silwyth is back.

In celebration of my new ability to (once again) upload chapters and my exploding supply of new Letters...
erm, I mean old letters that I've finally gotten around to translating... I've decided to hold:

The Funky Fellowship Contest!

WIN and you,
yes I mean one of you my lovely reviewers,
will get to Guest Star in The Lost Letters of Gandalf
(The wait was worth it)

Details Below! As in After the Letter! As in You Have to Read the Letter First!

The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(Bees, Bears, Orange Streaks and a Violent Heffalump)

Dear Legolas,

Merlin has been captured by the Heffalumps and taken to their stronghold! It's been decided (though I argued against it) that we must save him, and so the Funky Fellowship is going to war along with our new stuffed animal friends.

We have set up base at a large tree in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Sanders. Under, as in there happens to be a sign over the door which says Sanders in gold letters. The real owner is a rather short and cuddly teddy bear. (Yes, Legolas, you did read that right.) We are staying at the house of Winnie-ther-Pooh. Not Winnie-the-Pooh, which is a common misconception. If you knew what "ther" meant, Elf-Boy, then I wouldn't have to explain it.

Though this bear has very few brains due to his head being full of fluff (an unfortunate occurrence among teddy bears) he has been instrumental in planning our counter attack against the Heffalumps. However, I suppose you are wondering how Merlin was captured in the first place. It is a long, dramatic, action-adventure story with just the right amount of drama to get your pointy elf ears quivering.

It first began with our meeting of Winnie-ther-Pooh. Though Swabtop would most likely refer to our meeting as a "traumatic" experience.

King Arthur, Merlin, Swabtop and Bond-James were walking through the forest, Galadriel was hopping, and I was hobbling because I still hadn't washed off the elephant poop. After traveling a mile in this fashion a voice sang above us, 'Hum dum de dum... I am so rumbly in my tumbly.'

Merlin stopped and looked into the tree tops, 'What in the Court of Camelot was that?'

Arthur squealed, 'It's the hungry ghost of Jack Sparrow come back to haunt us!'

I rolled my eyes and said calmly, 'Jack only sang about rotten eggs. Besides, he never once said the word "tumbly".'

Swabtop shrugged, 'I heard him say "Oh my rum-tummies!" once.'

His words were followed by a sharp crack, then the same voice said clearly, 'Oh bother.' A soft buzzing-noise came from over head and grew louder.

Swabtop was now looking into the trees as well, 'Perhaps it's falling – ARGH!' A giant bee hive fell right on top of Swabtop's head with a loud thunk, engulfing the entirety of his face like a spa mask. Naturally, Swabtop threw his hands over his head and began to run in circles while screaming. I've observed that is one of the most profound instincts found in Men.

Bond-James said quickly, 'Stay calm! Bees only sting if they...'

Swabtop cried through the hive shell, 'IT BURNS!'

A large swarm of bees flew out of the hive with an angry buzz. As a wizard, I am naturally immune from bee stings, but I do admit they hurt. A bee sting ranks up there with a ballrog hitting you over the head with a mallet. I was ready to back away, but Swabtop ran off blindly through the bushes, the bee hive still on his head. The bees thankfully followed.

Arthur came out from under his cape which he had thrown over his head like a fire blanket when the buzzing-noise disappeared, 'Whew, that was close.'

Bond-James took a step in the direction Swabtop went running, 'Aren't we going to assist the poor fellow?'

Arthur nodded in agreement, 'It would be awful unlucky to lose two Fellowship members in one day. We haven't even replaced Jack yet!'

Merlin muttered, 'Any bald, unbathed hobo would work fine. Probably would have better manners, too.'

Bond-James ducked down to peer through the foliage, 'Wait, Swabtop's coming back! Quickly, Gandalf! Take my battery operated portable smoke gun and point it at his head! When Swabtop comes within six feet, press the yellow button.' The assassin then started to climb one of the trees.

I held the contraption Bond-James had thrown me, it was sputtering, 'Right... wait, six feet my size? Or yours?'

Arthur squealed as Swabtop ran, hive covered head and bees in tow, closer, 'Six feet equals 1.8288 meters! Fire!'

I skillfully pressed the yellow button as skillfully as I could, though probably not as skillfully as Bond-James might have done. The smoke flew out the barrel of the gun, as thick and white as carbonated sour cream. Swabtop disappeared as he entered the smoke, the bees following suit. I continued to spray and soon the buzzing of the bees became drowsy. Swabtop had kept his momentum, traveling in his little smoke cloud, appearing to be a freakish hive-headed phantom with epilepsy. When he came under the tree that Bond-James had climbed into, the skilled assassin jumped down into the smoke, pulled off the hive, and threw it far off into the bushes. The bees, now dimwits due to my excellent smoke spraying skills, followed the hive like a bunch of drunk bachelors and bothered us no further.

With a wave of my finger, the smoke blew away to reveal Swabtop sitting in a daze on the ground. His face was red as a tomato and was beginning to swell like a Peep in a microwave. (Microwaves are brilliant devices Bond-James introduced me to. They pop things like popcorn, peanut popcorn, cheese popcorn, and seasoned popcorn. I now carry one around in my hat at all times.) Small chunks of honey comb were still stuck to Swabtop's face and slowly slid down his cheeks.

The thief managed to gasp through large lips, 'Mwaaghhh...'

Using a leaf, I scooped some of the wet elephant poop from my foot, spat on it twice, muttered some words, and offered it to him, 'Poop?'

Merlin sniffed in disgust, 'You call me pathetic? At least I don't have to resort to using elephant droppings!'

Swabtop took the leaf in a daze and I explained stiffly, 'It's actually quite soothing for burns and bee stings with the correct addition of saliva. A true wizard would have instinctually known that.'

The tight-wearer looked down at the leaf, still dazed, 'Bees... I hate bees... I hate fire... I hate fire and bees...'

Arthur sat down by Swabtop and patted him lightly on the shoulder, 'At least it didn't ruin your tights.'

Meanwhile a voice said above us, 'Oh bother.'

Swabtop screamed and a teddy bear fell in his lap.

The teddy bear said, 'Oh, hello there. Have you seen my honey?'

From there we had a bit of a problem accepting that this teddy bear was indeed a sentient being. Bond-James kept saying that the bear was a 2-Dimensional cartoon and therefore couldn't be real whatsoever. Swabtop was in shock that a harmless teddy bear was the cause of his sufferings. Merlin was convinced it was some kind of possessed voodoo magic that had lasted so long the 'bite' had worn out. As a wizard, I just took it all in stride. I inquired as to our location, then asked if the bear knew the way to Mordor.

The bear frowned then sat down, 'Think, think, think.' Before he could provide an answer, a streak a bright orange attacked Swabtop's head. Swabtop went tumbling onto his back with a squeal and his poop leaf went soaring through the air, narrowly missing Bond-James would had to dive out of the way.

A plush tiger stood on Swabtop's stomach and cried, 'Ah ha! I have caught you, you Heffalump!'

Swabtop, who could hardly see through his swollen eyelids, probably thought a demon had landed on his chest. He cried, 'I'm not a Hellofalump! Don't eat me! I have poop on my head!'

Winnie-ther-Pooh introduced him, 'This is Tigger, he's been trying to catch a Heffalump for weeks. But I don't think he's very good.'

Tigger, after examining Swabtop's red, round face, hopped off his chest to declare, 'Drats, not a real Heffalump. He had Heffalump poop smeared on his head which confused-ed me. And it's T-I-double-guh-err, that spells Tigger.'

Merlin gasped, 'That's the poop from Gandalf's foot!'

Tigger bounded over to me and picked my foot up, 'The mark of the Heffalump! You must have been close on their tracks. I've never seen Heffalump poop so fresh.'

Arthur tried tentatively, 'Mr. Tigger, just what is a Heffalump?'

Tigger explained, 'They are giant monsters of the forest and steal all the honey they can find! They have poka dots the size of your head and can crush all your bones with one step!'

Arthur gulped, 'G-g-g-gosh...'

The Heffalumps seemed to be quite a terror to the local citizens so I decided to make a proposition that would be beneficial to both parties. I asked, 'If we help you capture the Heffalumps will you assist us in getting to Mordor?'

Tigger bounced on his tail happily, 'Recruits for the Rid-A-Heffalump cause! Whoow-Hwooo!'

That was how we originally teamed up with the citizens of the Hundred Acre Wood. I was certain the capture of the Heffalumps would be a simple. After all, they were still a species that pooped in the middle of the road. They couldn't be that hard to defeat.

As Winnie-ther-Pooh went to speak with a character named Owl, who was reputed to know all there was to know, the Funky Fellowship and several of our new plush allies thought of a way to capture a Heffalump.

Without Jack to create a strange plan using strange items, we were all at a loss at what to do at first. Arthur tried to think of a plan himself, using one of Jack's old plans as a reference, 'Somehow we have to use clothes hangers and corn husks... What can you possibly do with clothes hangers and corn husks?!'

After much debating and researching, a plan was formed in roughly five hours.

I scooped the rest of the poop off my foot while Tigger borrowed some honey from Winnie-ther-Pooh. Bond-James, who just happened to be carrying plastic gloves and a gas mask, mixed the poop and honey in a turtle shell until it had the consistency of damp pudding. Merlin scowled at us as we applied the mix to his head and muttered furiously under his breath.

He had protested at first. I remember, while making the plan, I had called, 'Merlin! Bring your head over here.'

The fake wizard was surprised, 'What for?'

King Arthur asked, 'Weren't you listening to the plan? We need to put the poop on it.'

Merlin did a double take, 'Say what!? Why me?'

Galadriel croaked and Swabtop translated, ' "Because your head's about as smooth and hairless as Jack's. Plus we need a clean, round surface to apply the poop – it says so in the directions." '

Merlin protested, 'Oh come on, Swabtop! You don't expect me to believe the toad said all that in one croak.'

If I didn't know better, I would have thought Galadriel's eyes had burst into flames. She quivered with the insult of being called a toad, and ribbited so loudly that Merlin was thrown back into a tree and knocked unconscious.

I nodded, 'Very nice, Galadriel.' Then Bond-James tied Merlin to the tree so he couldn't get away, and we started piling the glop to the middle of Merlin's head. When he woke up he wasn't very happy.

Once we got all of the gloopey mixture on Merlin's head with my handy-dandy spatula, we all headed out to a nearby field where the Heffalumps reportedly lived. Because Heffalumps were attracted to honey and their own kind they would be lured in by Merlin's head as he walked into the field. A Heffalump would come to Merlin and then our troops, hidden in the trees, would attack. Once the Heffalump was captured, we could use it as leverage to force the other Heffalumps to leave the Hundred Acre Wood for good.

As King Arthur, swollen Swabtop, Galadriel, Bond-James and I hid in the brush with Tigger, Rabbit, and an assortment of other critters, Merlin went out into the field.

I softly whispered to Bond-James, 'For a first time member of the Fellowship, you're taking all this rather well.'

Bond-James nodded, 'Yes, it's a gift I have.'

Just on the edge of the field, Merlin looked back at us, 'This is the stupidest plan ever!' Then he headed out farther into the field calling, 'Um... I'm a little Hellofalump, short and spout... This is my poop and this is my – OUCH!'

Merlin disappeared as he plummeted into the ground. Tigger frowned, 'Hmmm, looks like we forgot to tell him about Gopher's hole.'

We ran over to the hole where we found Merlin being assaulted by a gopher with a mean arm. Merlin shouted, 'Ouch! Stop it! GANDALF YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!'

Gopher yelled, 'Take that, you whipper-snapper!'

Tigger poked his head into the hole, 'Gopher, it's me! T-I-double-guh-err!' The stuffed gopher stopped hitting Merlin over the head long enough for Tigger to explain that Merlin was part of their plan to capture a Heffalump. The gopher looked down on the knocked-senseless Merlin and whistled through is big teeth, 'Why didn't you say so, sonny?'

I called, 'Merlin, hurry and get up! If the Heffalumps see us the entire plan will be ruined.'

Merlin shook his head, 'I broke the ladder when I fell through.'

Gopher bristled, 'What? Clumsy ruffian!' He smacked Merlin once more for good measure, then a voice said behind me, 'Here, I'll get him out.'

One of the stuffed animals reached down with his trunk and lifted Merlin out of the hole. Merlin sighed with relief and the animal blinked in surprise, 'Wha-what are you?'

Merlin, still in the trunk, whipped some of the poop mixture that had dripped onto his face and said, 'Wizard, can't you tell?'

I pulled at my beard, 'Well, maybe not a wizard... but didn't Tigger tell you the plan? We're capturing a Heffalump. Merlin's the bait.'

The stuffed animal shouted, 'What?! And here I thought another Heffalump was in trouble! You deceived me!'

Bond-James blinked, 'You're a Hellofalump?'

The elephant like plushie, taller than even myself, reared up and stamped his feet. Tigger squealed, Arthur threw himself into Gopher's hole, and everyone scattered. Swabtop rolled out of the way of the stamping feet and called, 'No one said a Hellofalump was actually an elephant!'

I dodged Merlin, who the Heffalump was twirling around like a mace, and said, 'I suppose it's time for me to save... OH MY BEARDY!' I backed up too far and likewise fell into Gopher's hole. The sudden drop left me so stunned that by the time I managed to climb out of the hole, the Heffalump was far in the distance and Merlin was prisoner in his trunk shouting, 'Gandalf you did this on purpose! I know it! When I get my hands on you - GANDAAAAAALF!'

Don't laugh, Elf-Boy! We wizards don't have eyes in the back of our heads - we have too many brains to be able to hold another set of eyes, thank you very much.

And so the rescue of Merlin the Cheapskate Wizard begins. I'll finish writing later, King Arthur needs me to round up some more poop.

Gandalf the Bruised-Backside Poop-Finding Grey

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Jack died and Merlin's been captured! The Fellowship is falling apart! It's like watching "The Lord of the Rings" all over again! sniff

... Well, what are you looking at me like that for? ... Oh right! The Contest!

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA hhahahahahahahah hehehehehe snort-snort
hahAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha HAhehaHEhaheHAhehaHE hehehehehe heh-heh-heh-heh
passes out

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWA MWA MWA!
passes out again

Thought I'd make you wait in suspense until my next upload.
Meanwhile, you can brush up on your Lost Letter history, reviewers!
Or you can review and tell me how evil I am! In fact, in expectation of this sort of response I have come up with a list of synonyms for the word "evil." They are as follows:

base, atrocious, foul, heinous, loathsome, nefarious, maliferous, obscene,
repugnant, olid, sinful, qued, vile, repulsive, and villainous
(Note: These are my personal favorites only. And "olid" means evil smelling.)

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