The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(Majority rules, Merlin must be saved! ...Unfortunately...)

Dear Elf-Princling,

The plans for the rescue of Merlin are going smoothly. King Arthur has taken over the entire operation and is actually excited. As he said himself, 'For the first time, my enemies are cute stuffed animals!'

Originally I was going to refuse to help. Where ever we went Merlin always gave wizards a bad name, and he still gives me a hard time about killing off the Lady of the Lake and ruining Excaliber. When I told this to the rest of the Fellowship, Galadriel agreed with me. She had not yet forgotten the "toad" insult.

Bond-James argued, 'If we don't have Merlin, who will make you look good, Gandalf?'

That got me. It was true Merlin's stupidity made my intelligence shine all the more brightly. But he was so annoying! The choice was very difficult. It probably would have made your brain explode, Legolas. Fortunately I was able to wade through the different possibilities and decided to help just so that Merlin, if he escaped, wouldn't spread his stupidity to the citizens of the Hundred Acre Wood.

Seeing as all their heads are filled with fluff because their stuffed animals, they need all the protection against stupidity as possible.

I agreed to assist, but demanded, 'Bond-James, you side with Merlin? Why? I thought you had more brains than that!'

Bond-James shrugged, 'I get all my nail filers from him.'

Swabtop nodded, 'Makes sense to me.'

Arthur decided that we could follow the trail of Merlin's poop mixture. The King had concluded that Merlin's body temperature would slowly soften and liquify the honey, creating a drip trail of honey/poop that we could follow. (Bond-James had previous been pushing for an aerial search team, but when he discovered the only flyable thing in the Hundred Acre Wood was a kite, he was quite put out.)

As I said in my previous letter, Winnie-ther-Pooh was a instrumental help. He had observed, after being trampled, that the Heffalump's nose was so sensitive it would probably smell us approaching to save Merlin. We would then need to make more poop mixture and cover ourselves with it. Winnie-ther-Pooh was so committed to the idea, that he lent us all the honey we would ever need.

Swabtop was seriously against this plan, because he was positive the poop would ruin his tights. But he was relieved to find out that he could probably just get away with wearing his underwear for this mission since the poop would be covering everything else.

I commented, 'Only as long as we don't have to see your hairy man legs, again, Swabtop.'

Then Tigger came up with our war song. Since stuffed animals are intimidated easily, he decided a theme song would give us an edge. Unfortunately, the song didn't exactly address war. In fact, it wasn't very intimidating at all and used terrible grammar. The first two lines were:

The most wonderful thing about Tiggers,
is Tiggers are wonderful things.

Tigger also believes the Heffalumps are holding Merlin at the Heffalump Palace. (In the highest room in the tallest tower. Tigger, bounding with excitement, suggested climbing Merlin's hair. I pointed out that Merlin had none and Tigger was quite less bouncy after that.) So taking the bouncy tiger's ideas to heart, Arthur has also formulated a siege operation involving acorn catapults and honey arrows – which are actually sticks with honey on one end so they'll 'glue' to the enemy.

Come on, Legolas. This is the Hundred Acre Wood we're talking about, you didn't expect us to be violent, did you? (Stupid blood-thirsty elf.)

By my next letter Merlin will either be with us, or we will have to (thankfully) leave him behind.

Gandalf the Not-Too-Concerned Grey

P.S. These events show just how terrible of a wizard Merlin is! Think of it, Elf-Boy... being captured by a stuffed elephant. Even Gimli could have gotten out of that!

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Merlin is lame. Arthur finally faces an enemy he's not scared of. Swabtop realizes that poop is great for his complextion! Find out what happens next in the next The Lost Letters of Gandalf: Lumpy Genealogists!

The Funky Fellowship Contest information is on my profile page! Go check it out!
...I think I jumped the gun a little. No one knows my Letters are back up again... lol
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