Any other man would have just dropped the cake. But Hatake Kakashi, copy ninja of Konoha, was not any other man.
He had materialised from his ninjutsu, in a suitably impressive swirl of fresh spring leaves and a twist of silver smoke, to see Pakkun flying towards him.
At a quite impressive speed.
Particularly for a dog.
And a dog that for all his unusual attributes, to the best of his knowledge, could not fly.
So… he tossed the cake high in the air, caught the little dog, who was really quite surprisingly heavy for his size, and set him on the ground. Then caught the cake on the palm of one hand and arranged it in a place of honour at the centre of the table that had been set up on the lawn for the occasion.
He took a deep breath as he gathered his wits.
Catch the doggie? He'd never heard of that party game.
But he wasn't about to be given time to ponder.
"What the hell is that thing doing here?" Pakkun and Iruka yelled in unison, somehow both getting in his face, from ground level and eye level respectively.
Kakashi looked at the innocent cake, with its dainty pink frosting flowers and Happy Birthday Keshi-hime written in elabourate flourishes of more frosting, then at his summon's and his partner's identical scowls. He furrowed his own brow in puzzlement.
"Don't you like it? We have to have a cake. It isn't a proper party without cake, and… and where else should I put it?"
Iruka sighed. Loudly. "Not the cake you idiot. The goat."
Oh.
"Goat? What goat?"
Iruka sighed again adding a roll of his eyes this time for good measure. He extended a rigid arm and pointed to the shaggy little creature in question. "The goat that came with the horse."
"Oh."
Kakashi swiveled his eye towards the goat nibbling at the petals of his landlord's precious roses. Ena Harkness, an old-fashioned intensely fragrant variety with flowers so dark red that they were almost black. It occurred to him that they were the exact colour of dried blood, perfect for a shinobi's garden.
The goat met his gaze with its demonic yellow eyes and lowered its small… but quite pointed… horns. It was standing next to an even more shaggy Shetland pony, that was tethered to a stone bench.
The pony's head remained buried in a red plastic bucket.
"Koji-san, why is there a goat?
Iruka and Pakkun both turned to where Kakashi had addressed his question, to a little man, shorter than most of Iruka's pre-gennin students, who had just entered the garden through the back gate. He carried a battered Icha Icha Paradise pressed to his nose in one hand and a second plastic bucket in the other.
"Hatake-san? Goat? You mean Trevor?"
He closed the book and tucked it into a back pocket with practiced ease, then set down the bucket which was apparently full of water, next to the animals. "You can't have Caroline without Trevor boss. Trevor's her buddy boy you see, keeps her happy." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, "She can be a bit of a biter otherwise."
He scratched the goat between its ears and slapped the pony's meaty flank as he continued. "But don't you worry none about the kiddies, Caroline's gentle as a lamb around kids. Just as long as your bottom's lower than her eye-level you're perfectly safe. Oh, and you should keep your little doggie clear of Trevor too, he doesn't like dogs, he had a very nasty experience with a dog once."
From a safe distance on the far side of the garden Pakkun glared through half closed eyelids. "I'm not surprised. I'd like to give that little brute a nasty experience it wouldn't forget in a hurry." He twisted round to inspect his assaulted rear, although in truth the only real wound he had suffered was to his pride, and disappeared with a loud pop.
In response to the noise the pony's eye appeared over the top of the bucket for the first time. It was deep golden brown, heavy-lidded, with long dark lashes. The eye was followed by a long solemn face, lips drawn back to reveal yellow, and extremely bitey-looking, teeth. The goat trotted over nuzzled against her chest and Caroline lowered her head to resume chewing.
Iruka fairly bristled with indignation as he yanked Kakashi out of earshot, although who he was afraid of listening, the man, the horse, or the goat, even he wasn't sure.
"Get them out of here." He hissed. "Just pay him and get rid of them. This is a birthday party. We can't have a vicious biting pony around little kids."
"But kids love pony-rides, and you heard what Koji-san said. And Jiraiya recommended him. He would never suggest someone who wasn't safe."
Iruka's eyes narrowed as he morphed into stern teacher mode complete with jutting chin and hands on hips. "Hah, you're willing to trust that arch-pervert's opinion on what is and isn't safe around children?"
Kakashi swallowed, one day he'd have to tell Iruka just what affect that look had on him. One day. Unfortunately, at that moment, their whispered conversation was cut short by the arrival of the first party guest. A two year old civilian girl who lived five houses down the street, complete with her civilian parents, all three done up in their finest festival best.
The mother bowed, looking way too much like a character from a period drama. "I hope you don't mind us just coming in, but no one was answering the door and the gate was open so… Oh Sué, look, a pony!"
The toddler's squee made Caroline look up from her bucket just in time to have her thick neck glomped by pair of chubby pink arms. Trevor ducked his head and stepped respectfully to the side.
"What a wonderful idea to have pony rides, it's so hard to find something suitable for the very little ones, but they all love ponies. And where's the birthday girl?
Iruka blushed as he morphed back to proud father without missing a beat. "I'll get her up from her nap, we didn't want her to get tired and cranky."
Within minutes the party was in full swing. Miniature guests arrived at full toddle, carry, or run and petted Trevor as they waited with varying levels of patience or impatience to be strapped into the throne-like contraption that Koji-san had attached to Caroline's sturdy back.
And they did, as predicted, all love pony rides.
The babies giggled and chortled as they were gently bounced around the garden. The older toddlers shrieked and laughed with glee. Only one little girl was nervous, insisting that her mother walk with her and hold her hand as she was carried on the pony's back. But her mouth remained open the whole time in a wide silent grin.
Juice and soda was spilt over satins and silks, snacks were ground underfoot into the grass, and Iruka watched eagle eyed to make sure that no one got hold of anything they couldn't chew and swallow safely.
Before much longer the teens started to drift in, Naruto and Sakura first, then more and more of Iruka's past students until the party had spread beyond the confines of the walled garden and into the street.
Just as the kiddie party was winding down, that is to say the little dears had either exhausted themselves to the point of collapse, or had wound themselves up enough that quite a few of them had already thrown up on the flower beds, the adults started to arrive. Sué's parents and the other few civilians gathered up their children and held them close, dazzled by the presence of so many of their village's shadowy reasons for existing.
Then the guest of honour swept in, Tsunade accompanied by her customary ANBU escort, and with Tonton tucked under one arm.
She sought out the huddle of jounins, handed her pig off to Shizune and wondered over to where Kakashi was watching from the sidelines. "A word? In private."
He looked around and then opened the door that led inside and into the kitchen. Her ANBU followed but retreated back outside at a flick of her fingers. Kakashi stood in the doorway for a moment, a dark silhouette, before stepping a few feet into the room and gently sliding the door closed behind him. Somehow Tsunade didn't look as if she was about to hand over a birthday gift.
She hesitated then sat at the kitchen table, tenting her fingers together as if she was at her desk. A single deep line formed between her eyebrows. She wasn't comfortable with the way Kakashi towered over her when they were both standing, but sitting while he stood somehow automatically asserted her authority.
"You've known Tenzo-san for some time haven't you Kakashi-san?"
Ah, so that was it. He didn't like where this was leading, no not one bit. "Yes. We were in ANBU together."
"So you know all about the circumstances of his er… birth?"
She watched as Kakashi slouched nonchalantly, so much like his father, as if he had nothing more significant on his mind than whether he had enough milk to last out the week. But she knew better. She knew just how badly he was squirming beneath that calm façade. And she let him. He deserved to twist for a while longer.
There was a tentative tap at the door followed by a cautious whisper. "Kakashi? We're unwrapping the presents and we'll have to cut the cake next. Some of the kids have to go home."
He didn't move so much as a muscle as he answered brightly. "S'okay, just go ahead without us. We'll catch up in a minute."
Tsunade snorted her displeasure. "We have evidence, a good deal of evidence, that Orochimaru has been reviving his old techniques."
So the rumours of Orochimaru leaving a trail of children's corpses were true. "That's certainly bad news, but I don't see how I… "
"We have evidence that he's been trying to create a baby girl. Using cells that can only have come from you."
"From me?"
"Yes. Unless you have a brother or sister I don't know about."
As usual the woman was missing the obvious. "Has he had any success?"
Tsunade took a breath, a deep breath. "Not as far as we can tell, but of course he doesn't have the same resources at his disposal that he had in Konoha, when he was the trusted favourite of the Third. And even then his success rate was limited to one."
She blinked slowly, taking in her shinobi's air of unconnected concern. "You don't seem… surprised. But then you wouldn't show it if you were, would you Kakashi?"
Kakashi let his shoulders slouch a little more. "I'm not sure what you mean Hokage-sama."
"Yes you are Hatake, you know exactly what I mean. How long have you known exactly why Orochimaru wants a child with Hatake DNA? A female child."
"I didn't know he did, until now."
She glared at him with fire in her eyes that would have left anyone else with scorch marks.
He sighed, he might as well say it. "I've suspected for quite a while, since the attempt to kidnap Keshi from the nursery, but I didn't know. I couldn't help wondering if the rumours I was sent to investigate in Thunder had been deliberately planted, by someone who knew the direction my… investigation would take. And what the possible consequences could be."
"And you didn't think you should share this information?"
Right, he'd known it wouldn't be this easy. The pitch of his voice fell by several tones. "I've known Tenzo for a long time. And Naruto too."
Tsunade shook her head. Even when he was trying to be forthright the man spoke in riddles.
"So?"
"There was no information, just a feeling. And… I didn't think Konoha would take as much care to protect Keshi, to keep her alive… if my suspicions were right."
Tsunade really really needed to break something. Something large, that would shatter with a satisfying crash, or better yet explode with a force that would shake the whole damn village. She swept her hand across the surface of the table, sending napkins and plastic soda cups cascading onto the floor.
"It's my duty as Hokage to protect all my people. Why the hell would you think I'd treat your child, Sakumo's grandchild any differently?"
For the first time Kakashi showed a flare of emotion. "As you say Hokage-sama, Keshi's my daughter, mine and Iruka's. And we've all experienced the way this village can treat a child that it sees as a threat."
A boisterous chorus of 'Happy Birthday to You' was followed by a deafening roar of cheering and applause. And somehow the volume outside only made the silence that stretched between them more pronounced.
Kakashi watched Tsunade's fury slowly deflate. As soon as he sensed that it had reached a safe enough level he turned on his heel and opened the door. Just in time to see a little pink pig fly past.
Anyone present would have had a hard time saying who shrieked louder, the Hokage or her pet.
"Tonton! My baby!"
Konoha's elite descended on the goat to restrain it as Tsunade raced from the house. …And straight into the pony's line of view.
It was all so quick that with his sharingan eye covered, even Kakashi hardly knew what had happened before Trevor was nuzzling Caroline, Tonton was on the table happily rooting in a mound of shattered cake and pink frosting, and Tsunade was rubbing her bruised and bitten backside.
In the terrified hush that followed, her most unladylike cursing seemed to be the only sound in the village, "#$&$! Shizune! We're leaving!"
She turned to give Kakashi a final glare as she tucked the sticky piglet under her arm. "You Hatakes have always had a talent for…for aggravation."
Kakashi bowed and watched Iruka open the gate for them and the ever present ANBU, spouting apologies and literally on his knees with humiliation. He liked seeing Iruka on his knees, he liked it a lot, but not like this.
He scratched the back of his head and smiled behind his mask at Koji-san. Who was standing, dumbfounded, between the wooden cages Tenzo had just jutsued around his animals.
"So… I take it Trevor doesn't care for pigs very much either."