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What if? … What if?
The question swirls around in my head planting it's seeds of doubt.
What if I hadn't done this terrible thing?
After all, I had no intentions of stabbing my husband.
I wasn't thinking when I went down stairs for a glass of water, that the knife my son left out after making a P B and J sandwich, would be a good knife to stab my husband with.
I was so surprised at how good it felt when wrapped my long, tired, hard, fingers around the cool handle pressing the seemingly innocent butter knife in my palm.
I feel my palm under the covers, and the imprint of the usually harmless butter knife is still there.
It's still deep going all the way through, past my flesh, to the bone.
I give a slight cry into the darkness of my empty room.
I hurt so bad in my heart.
It's the worst feeling I have ever felt.
Damn physical pain.
You have known no pain until you've felt it in your soul.
Now my body even ached with sadness, his hands will never touch me again.
I would give anything to take back what I've done.
I was just so enraged.
The scene keeps playing out in my head.
"Angelina, hurry up! I don't want to be late."
Draco yells from the bathroom across the hall.
It's our anniversary and all he can think of is a dinner party with his friends.
He's probably putting on his best front because his ex lover, Pansy, is going to be there
I sigh. "Yes dear."
I finish putting lotion on my arms and legs.
I leave the bedroom and head down stairs for a glass of water.
Innocently enough a small dull butter knife smeared with jelly and peanut butter sat on the counter where Michael left it.
I pick it up to wash it off.
"Damn it Mi…" I started to call for him but I cut myself off.
What if I had never looked down.
I had no reason to.
Nothing caught my attention, nothing tapped my foot.
Why?! Why?!
Why couldn't I just wash the knife off and go back upstairs?!
By then, he would have been ready, and we would have just went to dinner.
But, I didn't just wash the knife off.
But, I didn't just go back upstairs, not right away at least.
When I looked down there laid a piece of paper on the floor folded in fourths.
I bent down slowly to pick it up.
For some strange reason I didn't lay the knife down just yet.
I opened up the paper to see what was written.
Girly hand writing was sprawled across the page.
In an instant I knew it was Pansy Parkinson's.
I have found many notes from her to Draco when he was seeing her.
It took me by surprise because I was for sure he wasn't seeing her anymore.
My dearest Malfoy, I think you will be happy to know that I have decided to keep the child. Your right. This is the only way people will let us be together. Tonight when we meet, we can make the arrangements. Sincerely your Parkinson.
I balled the note up in my left fist and clutched the knife with the other.
After all the years!
I don't even recall what I was thinking up until I was standing in the bathroom doorway watching him put on his tie.
He notices me standing there and he looks into the mirror at me and smirks.
"After tonight things are going to change, Angelina. You'll see."
He has some nerve!
I shoved the unwashed, innocent knife into his back.
I pushed until I couldn't push anymore.
He barely put up a struggle.
He just felt the knife inside of him and looked at me through the mirror again.
It seemed as if his eyes were asking the same question I've been asking myself all night.
'Angelina, what have you done?'
I run out of the room when my daughter Alex started screaming.
What if I hadn't done it?
"Daddy! Daddy! Get up please!"
I cried so hard. "She didn't mean it daddy please."
He's looking up at me now taking a long deep breathe.
"Alex."
My brother croaks from behind.
"Come here."
I don't move I can't. I want to throw myself down and bleed slowly with him.
He grabs my hand and looks down at our dad with a horrified expression.
"What happened?" He asks in shock.
"She did it." I shout stomping my foot.
She's always messing things up!
I remember one night, a long time ago, it was raining.
My parents were yelling at each other and I was trying not to listen but I couldn't help it.
They were shouting so loud.
Fine! If you want to sleep with every whore that comes your way, that's fine! But, you'll leave me and my kids out of your bullshit!
There was a knock at my door.
"Come in." I say quietly.
It was Michael.
Oh! Now there your kids?! Like your mother of the damn year? All you do is poison those two with fantasy bull shit! That's why Michael prances around like he's a fucking fairy now!
"Are you ok?"
I shake my head no. He sits next to me on my bed.
I look up at his face and he looked scared too.
You will not talk about my son that way!
For a couple minuets they were silent and they didn't shout anymore.
My brother still watched my door like he was frightened something or someone was going to burst through at kill us.
I'm not surprised he always gets like this when dad yells for some reason.
Fine I'm out of here.
That was the most frightening thing I heard all night. I leap from my bed and grab my sweater laying on the chair.
I get out of my room just as he's walking down the stairs.
"Alex don't…"
Michael tries to stop me. I love him so much and I would do anything for him. But, what's the point of living if daddy's not around?
I had to go with him.
"Wait daddy I'm coming too."
He looked down at me with sad eyes. And picks me up.
"No, Draco. My kids stay with me!"
Of course he knew she would stop him.
I frowned at her.
Who does she think she is?!
Of course I'm not staying here, with her.
I don't even get how she figured. He's leaving and I'm definitely not letting him go.
But, he put me down slowly.
"I'll be back soon I promise."
I now had tears streaming down my face.
"Please don't leave me here with her! I promise I'll stop liking that fantasy bull shit. I promise I'll be good."
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