A/N: IM SORRY that I havent updated, I meant to earlier this week and couldnt. I've been so busy lately. School mostly. Oh well..

Besides the usual disclaimer that SN is NOT mine.. lets get on with the story!

NEXT chapter will hopefully be within the next couple of weeks.

"What happend?" Sam inquired

Dean took his hand away from Sam and started fiddling with his own hands instead, proving that he was nervous.

'Why did I go and say that?! Now, he'll never let it go until I totally break down and confess it all.'

Dean didn't say anything for a few minutes.

Sam turned to face Dean. Sam saw a look in Deans eyes that was filled with such emotion. Different ones as well like anger, sorrow, reluctence, digust and Sam thought he could see fear? Was it fear? He hadn't seen that emotion except a couple times in his brothers eyes. He wondered what could make him feel this way, even after all these years.

"If this has anything to do with why you started doing that stuff to me, I'd like to know. I think I should know. What happend Dean?"

"You should know Sammy, its something that you probably need to know."

Dean told Sam all about his conversation with the Vampyre and how it had affected him. While he told Sam everything he tried to be strong about it. He really did. He didn't want his brother to see him as weak, especially when he had gotten to Sam just as bad or worse than it did to him. He needed to be strong for Sam, It was HIS fault that Sam was hurting his body and he wanted to make it stop. 'stop thinking about yourself and think about him for once, this has had an ever bigger effect on him. More than you, stop being weak.' Dean scolded himself.

After Dean told him everything Sam thought hard about it all

' Wow, all this happend to him and he didn't think he could tell me? How could this happen... he wants to only be strong. He is so stubborn sometimes'

After a moment Sam finally spoke. It was Sam's turn to try to comfort his brother but what could he say?

"Dean- I dont.. I don't know what to say. I mean, there aren't may words I can even form right now"

Dean kept looking down at his hands, he was messing with a loose thread from his jeans.

When all the sudden Dean just broke down. All the emotions he had been building up for so long came streaming out of him like a dam had suddenly been blown up.

"I'm sorry Sam! ... I am truly sorry. I should NEVER have hurt you or touched you. I was supposed to look out for you, not hurt you! I could never believe that I had done such a terrible thing to you, so I never talked about it. The stupid Vampire-bitch thing is no excuse for hating you. It just made so much damn sense to me at the time. I was already mad because I always had to hunt and take care of everything else because dad was always working. I can't believe I ever thought about hating you. I shouldn't have ever touched you like I did.. I - - IDK"

Sam had not known any of this of course, he was shocked. He wanted to hug Dean and be there for him but at the same time he felt, betrayed. Like Dean didn't trust him enough to tell him, but he reminded himself that the both of them need to get through this. He was now finally able to get Dean talking, he searched for words again.

"You really thought that Dad loved me more?"

Those were the first words he said. Dean could'nt believe it.. he expected Sam to blow up and yell at him. He sat up straighter and looked Sam in the eyes. Sam continued.

"But.. you were always his favorite, his favorite hunter. You were and are just like him, and a better hunter. I was always sure that Dad loved you more."

Sam thought back to when he first learned to hunt.

"No Sam! Look at your brother, watch him."

John was yelling at sam again. Just because he had tried to use his gun, wrong of course. Sam had just come of age to learn how to hunt. He was 11, and doing it wrong. Sam could study, thats what he was good at. He couldn't shoot or hunt as good as Dean could. That is what Dean could do. Dean could do just about anything, well, except when it came to school. Dean didn't do well in school and Sam knew it. Sam never tried to show off though, he was just a very studious kid.

'Dean may not do good in school but at least he can hunt the thing that killed mom.

Sam tried to aim again, and as usual he got yelled at because he still had not hit the target. In fact it seemed that his aim was getting worse and worse. Sam knew that he had to try harder, he knew that he had to if he wanted to hunt.

'After all.' Sam thought 'It is my fault that mom died. I wish I had known her. Why did this have to happen to us? What did I do to deserve it?'

"Dean!" John called. Dean ran over to his dad.

"Yeah? What is it, dad?"

"Help your brother for a while, I need to go do some more work."

The brothers watched their father walk into the house again. Sam knew that his dad had just gotten irritated because of him, or he thought that was it. It was always his fault that his dad got mad it seemed. Dean looked sideways at his brother.

"Sam, are you sure you didn't annoy dad on purpose? I was sure you'd take to this better. Your supposed to be the naturally talented one here."

"No I'm not. I don't know if I'll ever get any better at this. I can't hold it right"

Dean stepped closer to his brother and grabbed his gun. He showed Sam how to hold it and then shot at the target.

"Bullseye! You try Sam."

Sam imitated how his brother had held the gun and shot it. It didn't hit the target but, it was closer this time at least.
He tried again, and again and again. After about 5 times and many comments and tips from Dean he hit the target. Well, he got close he hit somewhere on the target this time at least. He was so happy. Dean always helped when he could even if he did the wrong things sometimes, at least he tried.

"Thanks, Dean."

Dean stopped crying but his voice still broke, he tried to think. How could Sam think that dad didn't love him too?

"Sam, Dad didn't love me more than you. I was just older, and I am like him too, just like you said. He just was never very out there about his emotions, you know how he was most of the times, he didn't like to talk about stuff.
But when you left he did say that he was proud of you. I wanted him to be proud of me too. I think he was proud of both of us in the end."

"He was stupid" Sam smiled. "You were always his 'boy'"

"You are too Sam, ya know"

Sam still thought about everything. After a minute or a few actually he spoke.

"So, You hated me?"

Dean looked Sam in the eyes and answered truthfully "No. I didn't. Not really anyways, I thought I did but really I didn't. I got angry at you and resented you sometimes but I never hated you. I couldn't hate you, you're my brother."

Sam put his arm around his brother, he wanted to do something for him but he didn't know what he could do without getting those old feelings to stir up again.

'What is wrong with you Sam?! Stop! Get over it. You were over it, so STAY over it.'

"Its ok, I wanted you to feel better so I would kind of... let... you hurt me. I mean, I wasn't some weakling, I could have stopped you I'm pretty sure."

Dean knew that what Sam had said was well.. true. Sam was always bigger than him. He could never figure it out though. Dean leaned into Sams touch, it made him feel better. For some reason Sam could always make him feel better.

'Are you sure you're feeling the right way? You got over this a long time ago, don't go stirring up old feelings again. Just wuit thinking.'

"Sam...?"

Sam pulled his hand back and then got up to go into the bathroom.

"I uhh.. I'm really tired I'm gonna go take a shower and go to bed."

Dean watched his brother walk into the bathroom. He wished that he could just tell Sam everything. Once Dean heard the water running he started to cry.

"I'm sorry Sammy, I shouldn't feel like this. I thought I was over this, I really did. I'm Sorry that I hurt you. I'm so selfish sometimes, I don't deserve you. You have always been there, you knew. You just let me do it all to you. WHY? Why would you do that? How could I do that to you? I'm so sorry Sam. "

He whispered everything that was pouring out of his heart. Finally he went to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer. Then he looked over to his bag in the corner of the old dingy motel room and took out one of the hunting knives. He hadn't done anything like this for a long time, forever it felt like. He had finally stopped for actually a couple of years now. Tonight he felt like he needed it. He felt like he needed to forget about Sam. He needed to get over it all, and the only way he could destract from the emotional pain was with physical pain.
He got up and walked out the door to his car, he couldn't be anywhere near Sam right now.

Sitting in his beautiful car he slid the knife over his wrist he made different lines length-wise and width-wise as well.
He stopped when he heard a door slam not to far away, he looked up and saw Sam walking towards the car in blue jeans and a white wife beater.
Quickly Dean put the knife in the glove compartment, got out the bottle of beer and covered up his arm.

"What?" he said.

"Nothing, are you coming inside?"

"Yeah, in a minute."

"Whatever, you gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be in in a minute" Sam walked back inside and went to bed.

Dean sat in his car and cried for a while longer.

"I'm trying to be okay Sam, I really am." He whispered.

"I wanna be there for you
Someone you can come to
Runs deeper than my bones
I wanna be there for you
I wanna be there for you"
FlyLeaf "There for you"