A/N: Wow. I just re-read the last two chapters and I'm sorry guys, I suck at timelines. I just relized that Dean went, got breakfast, yelled at Sam, and apperently took ALL DAY and ALL EVENING telling his story.. according to how Sam went to take a shower and go to bed..

OK so that I can make this all straight and explain, Dean got breakfast when it was like.. almost lunch, plus telling his story and the whole both of them being upset and all took HOURS and hours, and by the time they were finished they were really wiped out and needed to get to sleep.
They went to bed kinda early.
So there.. does that kinda.. help? or just make it lame?.. Sorry. I'll watch it next time.

ANYWAYS, enjoy.

Usual Disclaimer: S&D are not mine.. but the storyline, facts, and extra characters are all mine...

Dean went in to go to bed and saw Sam already in his own bed.

I'm sorry Sammy, I shouldn't be hurting myself anymore I know. I will stop I promise. I can't do it anymore. I don't want to, it'll just hurt us both even worse. I'm just selfish.

He pulled off his pants and got into bed, too worn out from the day and yet still not tired enough to sleep. He started thinking about how he had felt all day and how many times he had to tell himself not to. He kept telling himself to quit thinking those things because it wasnt happenin, and even if he thought it was, it wasnt. That was when he heard it, a strangled cry coming from the bed right next to him.
Sam must of been having a nightmare again, it was probably due to what was going on all that day. Then he turned over and saw Sam thrashing and started screaming hoarsly.

Dean went to wake him up. He sat on the edge of the bed and tried to calm his brothers body down, he held out a hand towards Sams face lightly pushing his hair away from his face.

"Sam... SAM! Wake up buddy! Come on."

Sam jerked awake. The first look Dean saw in his eyes was fear, then it regestered with Sam where he was.

"What?" He whined like he was an 8 year old again, "Dean, it was so horrible.. it was.. it -- I... You.. I dont know exactly. I can't talk about it" He started to cry.

Dean sat on the bed close to his brother, hugged Sam around his shoulders and pulled him close. "Shhh... Sammy, its ok." He stroaked Sam's hair softly. After a few minutes Dean whispered "I don't get it, why'd you let me do it? I don't think I get you Sam."

Sam looked up into Deans eyes reflecting the moonlight coming in thru the window.

"Yeah, you do. I always had me."

With that quick thought Sam kissed Dean.

Dean was suprised, 'What is Sam doing?! Why? and Where'd he learn that trick with his tongue?' At first Dean leaned into the kiss, deepening it, then he remembered that this was his brother. Nevermind the fact that it was another man, Dean had been battling those demons for years.

Dean jerked backwards.

"Sam, are you okay? I mean everyone has expermented, hell, Ive been bi for years... but isnt this a bit far?"

Sam looked at his brother indfferently, he sat up, out of Deans arms but still next to him and explained.

"Well, when you started hurting me I learned when you got angry what was going to happen, that I'd get hit. When you raped me and then did it those other times I just... well, I let you because I knew you needed a release. But, once I got older I started... wanting it? Maybe thats the word, maybe not, I didn't want it but I didn't not want it.
I didn't like that I seemed to not mind it anymore and that I seemed to want it, I got sick with myself.
I tried to quit thinking about it- so I got different girlfriends and tried to keep out of your way. Then when you stopped I was afraid that you stopped because I you were sick of me too...
Then when I went to college it hit me hard. I threw myself into my studies and Jessica, trying to keep myself busy, so that I wouldn't have to think about you. Then whenever I did think about you I did this"

He showed Dean a couple of faint scars on the inside of his arm

"I couldn't live without you Dean. I decided to act mad at you and be distant because I needed to get over you. I made myself resent you, evern though I loved you I still resented you for what you did and was scared of you."

Dean reeled. He had felt this way for that long? Dean had been struggling with this for a while. Dean couldn't mess with this right now and he had a feeling that Sam shouldn't be either in his condition and seeing as how it was in the middle of the night. They were both confused and Dean had already been confused. Finally after a few minutes of thinking he looked down toward the floor.

"Sam, I really don't know what to do, I know I usually do but this time I don't. I'm confused and have been for a while. I don't know if I can handle this right now. Just let me think for a while okay?"

Sam wasn't embarassed, ok fine he was.. a little. But he knew his brother and knew that he'd get over it sooner or later. Not hoping for the latter he sighed "Okay, yeah sure. Lets just get some sleep huh?"

"Yeah, sounds good. I hope we don't have to go thru a chick flick moment everytime you have a nightmare."

Sam laughed and Dean started to stand up to go to his bed. As he stood up he felt a tug on his boxers, he turned and saw Sam looking up. "Will you stay with me until I go back to sleep? I don't want to have another nightmare, I'm still freaked out."

Dean thought about it, maybe they should sleep in separate beds... but, what if Sam had a worse nightmare next time and Dean wasn't awake? Dean made a decision, not worrying about what had just happened moments before and not thinking about what could possibly happen he decided that he was going to be a big brother and confort his little brother, just like when they were little.

"Sure Sammy, of course I will."

With that said Dean crawled into bed with his brother, he sat up against the head board and Sam sat in his lap. Sam leaned back and Dean just held him until they both fell asleep.

The next morning Dean woke up alone. "Sam?" At that exact moment Sam walked in the door, he had went to go get food.

"Mornin'. Are you hungry?"

"Uh, yeah. Yeah, course I am."

They ate in silence, and then Dean decided to take a walk. He really needed to think and sort out everything in his head.

"I need to go get some air. I'll be back later."

"Ok, I think that I need to stay and do some thinking myself."

Dean looked back at Sam. "How do you know if I'm going to go think or not? I could be going to do anything."

Sam's eyebrow quirked upwards. "Like what? I knew from the look in your eyes and on your face, also considering everything thats happend lately I think its pretty obvious that you think we both need time to think. Just be back in a little bit because we need to leave today."

"Ok, See ya."

Sam watched his brother walk through the door and close it. He tried not to think about him at first but, he couldn't. He had felt this wat since he was young. Dean had been hurting him for so long that Sam had was used to it. Not to say he liked it, he just knew it would happen and expected it,
'Maybe you did like it. Maybe you're just that fucked up now. Did you ever think about that little fact?'
When Dean stopped and didn't want to touch him anymore Sam felt like he had made his brother so mad or so disappointed in him that he couldn't even touch him. It was from then on that Sam was afraid of touching Dean.
Sam knew it was wrong to think of his own blood that way, but he couldn't stop. He loved Dean and all he could do was to try and forget about it.
'And how well did THAT work out for you?'
All through college it got harder instead of easier. He got a girlfriend to try to focus on, but, it didn't work. He kept thinking abot Dean. He did love Jess but it wasn't the same. Then he started cutting himself because he needed to forget. For him, for Dean.
Dean had so many girlfriends and he was always jelous of them, because they had his Dean. They had a part of him that Sam just couldn't have. It made Sam mad just thinking about it.
'He couldn't love me. What was I thinking? What is wrong with me? At least if he had gotten mad I would have known how he felt'
Sam kneeled at his bag searching for something. He found it, then walked into the bathroom.
Of course Dean didn't feel that way. That was his brother.

Dean didn't know what to think. He had been confused about Sam for years. He had hated him but not really. Then he stopped when he realized that he loved Sam more. That instead of hurting him he wanted to make Sam feel better. He wanted to love and protect him.
'Fine job you did of that. He was so afraid of you that he couldn't even look at you. Maybe you're just fucked up.'
When Sam started hunting with John and him he had felt.. happy that his brother would be there with him. But, once he realized that when he got mad that he got hot for Sam he didn't want to touch him. He knew that Sam was innocent and shouldn't have to suffer anymore by his own hand. Sam shouldn't have to suffer because he couldn't control himself.
'And yet he did. So you worked that out REAL well didn't you?'
Dean stopped hurting his brother in those ways. He didn't want to, he wanted to touch him, hold him sometimes, but he had to hold back. Then after that he got some more girlfriends to try to fix it all. He thought that maybe he could distract himself from Sam, he tried to stop thinking about him. He went to work trying to fix his and Sam's relationship.
Was it just him or was Sam hesitant to have Dean near him? Was he afraid of him? That was when Dean knew that he had ruined Sam, and his relationship with him. He couldn't have the part of Sam that he wanted.
Dean got incredibly sad thinking about it.
Of course Sam never felt that way. That was his brother.

Dean now trying to get his head cleared to talk to Sam, or not to talk He wasn't sure. He walked in the door.

"Okay, are you ready yet?..." No answer. "Sam! Yo, Where are you?"

Dean heard a noise in the bathroom.

"Sam?" He slowly opened the bathroom door. "Sammy! What are you doing?"

Sam was sitting in the shower slashing his arms with almost ice cold water raining down on his beautiful, scarred body. Dean ran to his brother and turned off the water. He then took the knife from Sam and threw it to the other side of the room.

"Sam, What are you -- Why?"

Sam shuddered against the cold while Dean wrapped a towel around him.

"You.. You.. I'm not.. I don't" Dean wrapped his arms around his brother and Sam finished his thoughts. "You can't love me. It's wrong. I have to get it out of me."

Dean couldn't believe this. this was all because of him? This was his fault.

"No Sam. You aren't wrong or anything. I love you. I know what you mean though. Let me fix this. Let me take care of you."
Sam nodded. Dean took him in his arm and hepled Sam into the bedroom. Sam put on some pants and before he could put on a shirt Dean sat him on a bed with stuff to clean his cuts with.

"How long?"

Sam knew what he meant by that. Dean didn't mean his arm.

"Since I was about 12." Sam admitted.

"But, that's when I stopped."

"I know, I started being afraid to be around you alot, because I felt like you didn't want to touch me because I was dirty."

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. Sam had felt the same way all along?

"No, Sam. I never felt that way. I didn't want to touch you anymore because I wanted you to be my innocent Sammy again, even though I knew that couldn't ever happen."

Dean looked up at his brother then with only love in his eyes he awkwardly met his brother's gaze and bit his lip. He was going to do it, he could tell.

Sam was trembling like the proverbial leaf, he had no idea what he should do. He had done it last night but, this was different. He was nervous. Very nervous.

He got as far as placing his fingers on Dean's neck and leaning in until his brother's breath, brushed across his top lip. Hot and so tempting.

They both froze.

Dean smiled gently and slowly moved closer, until their lips finally just barely touched.
It was damp and sticky with no pressure or taste. Then Dean opened his mouth just slightly and sucked lightly on Sam's bottom lip. Sam had never experienced anything so incredibly intimate. Sam felt his stomach flutter and his heart beat quickened, his heart was beating so fast he thought Dean could hear it.
Dean couldn't hear it but he could feel it. He placed his hand on Sam's chest, and felt his brother's heart under his own hand.

Finally they both let go of the kiss and they sat back just enough to see each other well.

"Did you ever ... really.. I mean did you... before yesterday?" came Sam's words stumbling out of his mouth.

"Sam, you might wanna try using coherent sentecnces when talking" Dean laughed.

"I can't. Can't. Think. Straight." A kiss on Dean's cheek. "Wanted you." A kiss on the older mans lips from the younger. "So long." and a trail of kisses measuring from Dean's chin to his collar bone. Dean moaned and grabbed Sam's face and kissed him hard and passionatly. Sam pulled Dean onto the bed and eased on top of him.
Sam leaned down to kiss his brother, his hips grinding into Deans softly. Sam groaned into Deans mouth. Dean captured every sound into his mouth returning a few of his own. Sam chasing a trail of kisses from Deans neck to his belly button stopping to trace the older mans muscles with his tongue. Then Sam sat up on Dean's stomach pushed his arms above his head and put his mouth on Dean's as if to claim him.

"You're mine now. You know that?" He whispered in a low and suductive voice. "And I'm not letting you go again."

The older man looked into the beautiful eyes of the younger man on top of him and saw that his brother meant what he had said. He saw the love and adoration his brother had for him.

"I love you sam. You are mine too ya know"

"You've been watching chick-flicks Dean?" Sam sniggered.

"Shut up. You're so chick flick you cry at everything."

Sam pouted, " I do not."

"You're not whining are you?" Dean smiled that irrisistable smile that showed just how cocky he really was.

Sam sat up and got off of Dean. Leaving him hot, horny and hard. "We need to leave. It's getting late already"

Dean looked at his brother like he was insane. There's no way was he gonna do this to him, was he? He was, wasn't he? He was going to punish him.

Sam saw the look on Dean's face and almost laughed right there, he almost couldn'r resist jumping on him and finishing what he had started. Then he thought 'I'll make him suffer for a while, but not too long. I don't know how long I can go myself, I need to take advantage of this though'

Sam walked over to his bag and said over his shoulder "Are you coming?"

"I wish." He mumbled and got up. He went over to re-pack his things and threw them into the back of his car. They needed to keep going. This would be a fun trip he decided, and grinned.

Was it any better? I was wondering if maybe I was making them go a bit too fast at first.

Don't worry about the Vampyre and all that.. I have a feeling we'll be seeing her in within the next couple of chapters. :D.
I love reviews. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed already. Another Chapter will be up soon. I'm trying to work on it right now, but some things come up suddenly (and I have a feeling that Dean has a problem very similar to mine. lol)
I really want to finish it soon though so I'm gonna keep working on it and lets hope I'll have another chapter up within the next week or so.