Wish of humanity
- Chapter 2 : -
Here I am again. This time I'm writing lying comfortably in my hammock, on my stomach and shaking my legs in the air frenzily. And with a very handy ball pen. Well, red. Who knows why, since I had...changed, I adore this colour. I miss a little that delicious scent of soft fruits that used to spread all around each time I wrote, but I console myself casting a glance full of gluttony at the glass of juice leaned near me, that seems waiting only to be drunk and tasted.
I scribble some words, then I read them again, and I turn the page, lazily. I don't fancy writing, not now.
I turn on my side, and in the darkness I see two green small lights: Harkat's eyes, my roommate.
I can't get to sleep. I'm confused.
I don't understand what's happening to me. I'd like to make a note of something else in the diary, even if I don't feel a lot like writing, just to kill time and hope that in the meantime I feel sleepy. But it's like the pen offered a strange resistance, and only after a while, having a look at the sheet, I notice that it's like I didn't write at all the last lines!
Instead of the usual red trail, only deep ruts. I press uselessly the point against the yellowish paper, with strenght, holding tightly the plastic pipe full of ink to warm and dilute it, but doing it I let slip a groan of pain. The splinters! Kurda, eventually, forgot to take them away. We were distracted by joking and laughing, and even toasting, and it completely slipped our minds.
Pressing the wounded fingers a little more strongly was enough to arouse the pain, as intense as fire and implacable. I shake my hand, trying to get rid of it, appealling to all my willpower to keep myself from shouting. If I had done it, I would awake the whole Mountain! I curl up, waiting for the pain to be over, with a grimace of pain on my face and trying to concentrate on something else.
- Darren...are you...OK? - a croaky voice says in the darkness.
I start, sillily and surprised, but I immediately recognize it.
- Yes, I am, Harkat...about. - I lie. At that moment waiting for that piercing pain to ease it's my only worry.
- I don't...think...so... - he adds.
And he's right. The grimace my face is still twisted in speaks by itself.
- No, indeed. I don't manage to sleep, and I hurt my hand recently, too. - I say to him. Harkat stands up from his hammock, and he comes up to me slowly. Then he bends down, with still his hood on, he examines my hands, without touching them, only skimming and looking closely at them.
- Ouch...they must...hurt...to death...right? - he asks me. - It was...because of...that...that you...were groaning... before...is that...so?
- Well, yeah. I hope to have them removed, tomorrow. - I add, shaking again my hand.
- How did...you...stick them...in your...hand? - he says, surprised.
- In a sense, it was because of my love for writing. - What...?!? - he adds, with his big green eyes even more wide-open than usual and full of amazement. I tell him everything.
- If you...had known...from...before...that Kurda had...what you...needed.
- Oh no...don't tell me it! - I add, thinking again about it.
But now, even if only a few hours later, I cannot help finding the whole thing funny. We both laugh our heads off. In the end, Harkat goes again to bed, he says goodnight, he turns on his right side and he falls asleep almost immediately. Even if his eyes are always open and lighted, even when he sleeps, I notice that easily: his breathing has become slower and more regular. I turn over too in the hammock, trying to fall asleep. But it's useless, after I had turned over a dozen times at least, I don't feel the need for sleeping yet. On the contrary, I'm awake like a cricket! But not because of the splinters pain, that has already eased, there is something else that worries me. I decide to stand up and going to take a stroll through the Mountain, maybe also to get a breath of fresh air. Once I've stood up, I look round to remember where I left my stuff before to go to sleep, and I prepare myself. I trow my light blue cloak on my shoulders, then I join the two edges on the chest, closing them making a bow on the front. I find also my boots, still a bit muddy and damp. Some days have passed since our arrive in the Mountain, but I had never took care to give them a clean. I decide I would have seen to it as soon as possible. After that, I leave the room, moving quietly to not wake Harkat up, and I set out through the corridors. I carry on tiptoeing, because also the other vampires are sleeping. I can hear even the slight snoozing of some of them, the only noise that disturbs the silence of that moment. Waking them up wouldn't certainly be a good idea!
I try to remember which side the entrance of the cave was situated, and, even if I'm not totally sure about it, I take a humid and tortuous tunnel. After some minutes, I find out I was right: that tunnel really leads outside! But it wasn't the same I had walked down with Larten and Harkat when I arrived there, that other was much longer and broader. This other, on the contrary, it's so low that I fear I might have to crawl, at the end, but fortunately bending slightly my head is enough to not knock my head against the rough and dropping ceiling.
After that, I bend down to the ground and I slip though a little opening, with a rather disquieting shape, like a mouth ready to swallow me, but broad enough to allow my passing. And here I am outside! I glance around: I'm on a rocky projection, very high, slippery and rather humid, but it shouldn't be all that hard getting down from it. Holding on firmly to the rock, and relying upon my nails, I climb down slowly, looking over my shoulder and trying out carefully each move. I hope to not let go my hold suddenly, because of the splinters, that burn again like pins, but I manage to resist. And, after a while, here I am ashore.
I'm a bit tired (even for a half-vampire like me climbing with my bare hands isn't a simple thing!) and I let myself fall on the grass, soft and wet, to get my breath.
Laying down, I'm covered in icy little drops: it must had rained recently. Feeling them gliding on my face and on my arms, cool and fast, it's pleasant, it gives me a sense of freedom. The air is fresh and bracing, and there is also a slight breeze. I breathe deeply. But it isn't very cold. Or, at least, I don't feel it. The clouds run fastly in the sky, pushed by the wind, and brightened up by the red and golden reflections of the sun that it's going to set. Also those nearby mountains reflect the colours of the sunset.
With my arms crossed behind my head, I watch the sun going down, till the only thing that remains of it isn't anything else that a reddish reflection in the night sky. And, looking at the sun, suddenly, like a flashing in my thoughtful mind, here it is flash of inspiration: I understand at last the reason of my unhappyness. The smile I used to have on my face since a moment ago immediately disappears, and another one, serious and disconsolate takes the place of it.
It must be very similar, if not even the same, to the one I had when, some years ago, I left for ever my family, my city and my friends, to follow Larten through the world. Here they are again the memories, I feel the painful memories re-emering, cropping up again, crowding themselves on each other in my mind. And also a feeling of chill in my heart, of solitude and sadness. But also remorse, and, most of all, nostalgia. But I don't totally understand yet what I'm feeling: I believed I had already got used to my new half-vampire life. But evidently it isn't so.
In the distance, probably not further than a few kilometres, I hear some howlings. How much I would like that Streak or Rudy were beside me now...I wouldn't feel so lonely, with them by my side and the humid Rudy's nose, always active. I would like to join their chorus, howling like a wolf to give free play to my emotions. I'd probably feel better, after. But I don't do that. I sit down on a rock among the grass, my knees in front of my face, and I put my arms on them, bending my head. Suddenly, a gust of wind stronger than the others sends a shiver down my spine, and I cover myself better with the cloak, shivering. A lot of little seeds fly in front of me, at the mercy of the wind. An image crops up again in my mind: I imagine my mother covering me with a protective gesture, to avoid me catching a cold. And then also Annie, my sister. How many times we had been together in the country, playing with butterflies, chasing crickets, or being after ants to keep them away from the foodstuff for the picnic! I shut my eyes, and, with a groan, I realize with terror what I miss so much: a little of normality. A little of...humanity.
I would give everything to spend again some days like a normal boy: playing football without being afraid of breaking someone's bones, enjoying the sun without feeling that sensation of extraneousness, having again some friends without fearing that they find out that I'm a vampire and they hate me for that. But I know that it isn't possible, it would be too risky for everyone. I can only limit myself to...dream. To wish it. My life has took a turn that divided me definitively from humans word, and there is no way of coming back. The die is cast. A tear of impotence, silent and hot, flies with the seeds, falling on the cloak and leaving a dark blur. I move slightly my legs, under the point where it fell, in the attempt to get warm a little. Now that also the last daylights disappeared, it's again terribly cold, like during our journey to the Mountain. Neither I know what believing anymore, what's better for me and for everyone. The outward cold is the same in my heart. Despite I've found some new friends, I continue feeling...empty. And, immersed in my thoughts, I bend again my head, and I remain sat down on the rock, letting that the wind ruffles my hair and raises my cloak, and shivering with cold. Suddently, I feel a warm and reassuring touch on a shoulder of mine. Somebody is touching me. It's good feeling something of tepid among all the iciness that surrounds me. I turn, and I see the bony and wrinkled Larten's hand, leaned on the cloak, and slapping me on the back in a reassuring way. This time I don't start. On the contrary, in a sense his presence takes me away from those gloomy toughts, even only viewing him I already feel better. But how could he know where I was? Did he hear me getting up? Or maybe it was simply time to get up and he decided to look for me, because he didn't find me in my room?
Anxious to find answers to these questions, I try to turn towards him and standing up, resting on my hands, pulling them on the rock and forgetting once more about those damn splinters. Ouch! I clench my teeth, but I manage to not shout. I decide to remain sat, for the moment. - Darren... - he starts. - What are you doing out here? I thought you were still sleeping.
- I...I couldn't get to sleep. - I answer. And, doing it, without I can do anything to avoid it, another tear glides silently along a cheek. I can't prevent my voice to shiver. Maybe because of the cold...or the sadness. Larten, hearing these words, sits down beside me, with a worried expression on his face, putting an arm round a shoulder of mine. He's wearing his cloak too, dark red and dusty like usual, and he offers me it so that I cover myself.
I nod to him, to tell him that it isn't necesarry that he does that for me, but he limits himself to nod. So, I trow it on my shoulder. It's much heavier than mine, and I immediately feel better. But Larten remained with only his shirt on, and I see clearly that he shivers, despite he forces himself to hide it. I'm surprised by that gesture so generous and paternal. - Thanks... - I say.
- But it is nothing. - he answers, modest. - But tell me...there is something that worries you, Darren. I noticed that from the tone of your voice, and from how you react when I arrived. - he says. - What is wrong?
- Nothing. - I lie.
- Yes, on the contrary. Would not you feel ashamed in the least of talking to me about that, right? - he says, pretending to be scandalized and smiling with a smart expression. - No...I mean. - I say. - To tell the truth, there is something...it isn't worth talking about it...You can't help me.
- How can you be so sure about that if you do not try?
- I... - I add. I swallow. And, at the end, I make up my mind, and I tell him everyone. I was reclutant to talk about it, because I didn't want that he thought I was a nostalgic and a whiner, but I can't keep it to myself and eventually I find myself to share with him all my thoughts, my emotions and sensations of a while ago. He listens without batting an eye. And when I've told everything, he answers, with his usual calm and imperturbable expression. - Darren...you must not feel ashamed of it. It's a very normal thing. Even me, even after so much time since my blooding, sometimes I feel nostalgic thinking again about the good days spent as human. There is nothing strange, on the contrary, it would be freaky, even worring, if you did not miss them at all! Believe me, you do not have to worry about it. It is a problem common to all the vampires.
I look at him, astonished.
- But it's so...hard - I add. - What I would give to return human for a while.
Larten then scratchs the long scar on his cheek, like he always does when he reflects upon something. Suddently, a discreet smiling lights his face, and he says to me, with a cheerful expression:
- Maybe we may do something for you. It is not totally true that you can enjoy never again those little human pleasures you miss so much. Most of all because you are still a half-vampire and.
I prick up my ears, anxious to hear the continuation. A gleam of hope rekindles in my heart. Suddently, I'm not cold anymore. On the contrary, the warmth under the two cloaks I have on it's marvellous.
- Come inside, before - he stops. - Here out in a while everything will be frozen. It isn't certainly the better place to discuss about it - he says, standing up with a shake. I follow him, althought I don't feel cold anymore. We climb up again the rocks, and we return to the Mountain along the same way we entered though the first time, escorted by the sentinels. The way through I went out from was probably too narrow for Larten. - What, what? - I ask, impatient, while we walk through the tunnels, with the only guide of the bright moss. - I was thinking... - he says. - The Council will start only in a few days. In the meantime, we might even go on a trip round here. In the vicinity, much nearer than you believe, there is something of really special, and I bet you will like it a lot!
Hearing him talking in that way doesn't do anything else that increasing my curiosity! I'm anxious to learn more, and I follow him merrily, like a dog that wags his tail would do.
- What? - I repeat, like a parrot, with the voice full of morbid curiosity. - We have arrived. - he says, almost ignoring me.
- But...what?! - I insist, unable to wait even only another moment. Larten doesn't turn a hair in front of my insistence, even if thinking again about it now, I believe I had been rather annoying. But it's normal being it, when the question is something of so important. Everybody would be! - It is a bit complicated to explain. - he makes up his mind to explain, at last, sitting on a bone chair in the common hall. - I am not an expert about climatic changes and things like these, but each vampire knows that the Mountain is so high to have an huge influence on the climate of the whole region. Like you would have noticed, on this side the cold is intense all during the year, and it is not exactly a comfortable place. I nod, shivering at the thought of the cold on my skin. If even we vampires shudder so much, out there, that cold for humans must be simply intolerable! If not mortal! I remind I've still on Larten's cloak, I remove the buckle that keeps it close and I give him back, with a thankful smile.
He nods, returning with a kind smile, and he continues from he was. - Have you ever wondered what there is on the other side of the Mountain?
- No... - I admit. - On the contrary...there is another side?!? - I say, opening my eyes wide.
- Like I have already said, the cause of this icy climate, I would dare saying almost polar, it's just the Mountain. If it weren't, we would overlook directly on the ocean.
- The ocean?!? - I say. I'm amazed. I would never thought that there might be something else, behind that Mountain so massive. It was so high and stalely that it seemed that the world ended there. It never crossed either my mind!
- Yeah. I know it seems incredible, and only a few vampires know, but not so far from here ocean waves are shattered continually against a very sandy beach, almost tropical.
My amazement raises.
- And beach means... - I add, with bated breath. - Sun...life...humans. - he ends for me. - Everything you lost, all that you miss so deeply.
I hold again my breath. The idea to go to the beach, to enjoy again the sun like everybody else and maybe also swimming makes me euphoric. The thought to take a little holiday at the sea is so incredible that I don't dare even believing it's really possible. I open my mouth, with a smile full of joy. I try to add something, but I stop, coming back to the reality.
- But...how to get it? Are you willing to come with me? Alone wouldn't be the same thing...but you can't stand the sunlight... - I say - For you it would be a regular torture! - We will talk again about it in a few hours. Don't worry about it, for the moment. Now rest. You're going to be ready to drop. I realize he's right. I didn't notice to be going to fall asleep stood up, and that my eyelids were so heavy. I'm surprised once again by how Larten always guesses my mood and my condition. For him I'm like an open book. I have no secrets!
- Ok... - I say, calm. Then, suddently, I throw my arms around his neck, in a transport of joy, letting him astonished. I'm incredibly happy, it's wonderful having again something to hope for, knowing that your own situation isn't all that desperate, after all. I sink my face in his velvet cloak, rubbing my chin against it, like a purring cat.
Larten returns caressing my back and hugging me too, with affection. When we tear our selves away, I greet him and I return to my room. Harkat is still sleeping, and I pull off my boots silently, to not disturb him. Exhausted, but happy, I lay down on the hammock, that never seemed to me as comfortable and relaxing like at that moment. I don't take even the trouble to take off my cloak, althought it's a bit wet: it will be my blanket. And I feel asleep immediately at once, holding the cushion with a sweet smile and, at last, happy, on my face.