Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. All characters associated with the series are the property of Tite Kubo, I am simply borrowing them for my own amusement.
Crossroads
If Ichigo was sure of one thing it's that he wasn't awake, because if he had been then he might have been truly afraid. He was splayed out against the hard ground in an eerily familiar fashion, arms spread wide in helpless offering. There was no Arrancar this time, nor was there any pain, but a strange cold was seeping deep into his body, a numbness settling into his fingers and toes. He could feel his heart beating against his ribs, but with an unnerving flutter that made his chest feel tight. If it hadn't been for the clouds drifting to meet him through a sideways sky, he might have started to panic.
"You're pathetic, you know that, king?" a cold voice drawled next to his ear.
Ichigo twitched in surprise but didn't move away; he wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd been caught off guard. Instead, he slowly turned his head in the direction of the voice, meeting the cool yellow eyes staring back at him. The Hollow was stretched out in the opposite direction, mirroring his pose, a poignant study of symmetry. He could feel the tickle of snowy hair against his arm, but didn't pull back.
"Where's Zangetsu?" he asked, noticing they were alone.
"Resting," the Hollow replied, looking indifferent.
"What happened to the two of you?" Ichigo gaze slid over the familiar face. "Are you alright?"
"Worried about me, king?" the Hollow mocked, though it was more subdued than usual.
"Did you do something to save me?" Ichigo jumped straight to the point. "Urahara says that you must, but it doesn't make sense."
"It's not the first time I've saved your pathetic ass," he muttered in disgust.
"Yeah." Ichigo eyed him suspiciously. "But all the other times you were trying to take over, weren't you?"
The hollow didn't respond, turning instead to stare at the sky.
Ichigo frowned. "I don't get it. You spend all this time talking shit about how you're going to crush me, but then you keep saving me. What the hell is your deal?"
"I didn't save you, I saved me." He flinched, an almost imperceptible shiver running through him. "What the fuck good is it to make yourself king if your damn horse dies and drags you down with it?" He turned back to Ichigo. "If you're gonna bitch about me not taking control, then fucking die slower next time."
"What did you do?" Ichigo repeated, ignoring the taunts.
For a moment it looked like he wasn't going to answer, but finally he let out a small sigh. "Zangetsu lent his power so that we could stop your body's functions. Sorta kept you in a state between life and death while I tried to reverse the damage." He shivered again. "Didn't work too well, we could barely keep a hold of you."
He slipped back into silence, a strange look flickering through his eyes for a second before it was gone. Ichigo frowned; unnerved by the Hollows passive demeanor, by the unusual lack of hostility. The air moved above him and he felt something skim his temple, a barely there touch that slipped back into his hair. His eyes widened. The Hollow had curled his arm up and was running his fingers over Ichigo's skin. It was too much; he sat up, knocking the arm away.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he stared down into the unwavering yellow gaze.
"I fucking overextended myself to keep your sorry ass alive," he glared.
"Oh." Ichigo winced, unable to suppress a feeling of guilt. "Are you gonna be okay?"
"Don't go all soft on me, king," the Hollow sneered. "If I wasn't so damn tired right now I'd beat your ass for being stupid enough to get jumped in the first place. You didn't even put up a fight."
"There was no warning," Ichigo retorted, relieved by the familiar, sharp tone.
"Pathetic excuses," the Hollow assured him, returning to his study of the sky.
Ichigo held his tongue, partly because he secretly agreed, but also because he didn't want to argue with an opponent who was obviously still weakened. He took a deep, calming breath and ran his hand through his hair, trying to dispel the phantom touch still lingering there.
"Look, I just came to find out if you and Zangetsu were okay," Ichigo muttered uncomfortably. "And to thank you, I guess."
"Shit, don't thank me; it makes me feel dirty." Yellow eyes snapped back around and he looked like he might be sick. "It's like pathetic is contagious or something."
"Fine," Ichigo bit out. "Then I apologize for being stupid enough to get hurt and forcing you to save yourself."
"That's better," the Hollow smirked. "But if you really want to thank me, how about you bring Zabimaru around again. I was really getting a taste for the crazy-ass monkey and we haven't had a good fight since the redhead made you his bitch."
Ichigo choked, "What!"
"Don't go stupid on me," the Hollow snickered darkly. "You know what I'm talking about."
"Renji's a friend," Ichigo snapped, or at least tried to; it came out as more of a yelp. "We train together and stuff."
"That's bullshit and you know it." The Hollow pushed himself up on his elbows, leering at the young shinigami. "You can't lie to me; I'm in your fucking head."
"Shut up, bastard." Ichigo shot to his feet, taking a step back as though the Hollow were toxic. "You're just messing with me again and it's not going to work anymore."
Pale lips twisted in a grimace as the Hollow struggled to his feet, panting slightly and fixing Ichigo with an unreadable look. "Quit being such a bitch about everything, I'm sick of your whining."
"I'm not whining, asshole; I just came to see if you were okay." Ichigo took another step back when the Hollow took one forward.
"I didn't mean now, I meant all the time," he sneered, his voice turning high and mocking. "Why can't I protect my friends? Why can't I sleep? Why can't I be stronger?"
Ichigo felt the muscle in his jaw twitch as the Hollow drew closer, his smile turning malicious.
"How about why can't I stop touching him?" He reached out, his fingers barely grazing the side of Ichigo neck, causing the boy to flinch. "Or why did I lick him?"
"Don't touch me." Ichigo pulled back sharply, intent on putting distance between them, only to encounter a solid object at his back.
"That's enough." Zangetsu spoke to the Hollow over Ichigo's head, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
"I was playing nice," the Hollow smirked, dropping his hand back to his side.
"Old man?" Ichigo craned his neck, looking up at the imposing figure. "Are you okay?"
Zangetsu gave the pale figure a hard look before dropping his gaze to Ichigo. "I am well, do not concern yourself. I will be ready when the need arises."
Ichigo started to question him further but was cut off when Zangetsu stepped around him and approach the Hollow. Long, slender fingers slipped beneath the pale chin, drawing the yellow gaze upward, away from Ichigo.
"You should be resting, so that you will be ready as well," Zangetsu chided lightly, his eyes narrowing as another shiver passed through the smaller body.
"Always spoiling my fun," the Hollow complained, turning to face the larger man, cocking his head to one side
Zangetsu stared down at him passively, fingers slipping from his chin to curl around the back of his neck. Some sort of communication seemed to pass between them as they met the others gaze unblinking.
"Fine," the Hollow relented with a sigh. "Take me back."
He stepped forward, resting his forehead against Zangetsu's dark coat as the fingers trailed deeper into his snowy hair. An arm came up to wrap around his waist, pulling him closer and he sighed again as his body started to disintegrate; melting into Zangetsu. He turned his head, gold eyes once again seeking Ichigo.
"At least it's not raining," he murmured, almost completely gone. "Hasn't rained since you started sleeping again."
Zangetsu's arms fell away and he stared into an empty hand for a moment, lost in some far away thought. He shook his head gently, turning to face Ichigo.
"He will be fine," he replied, in answer to the unspoken question. "He expended much of his energy to keep you alive, and he continued to do so until your healing was stabilized."
"Why?" Ichigo still didn't fully understand it.
"We both exist in this world to provide aid when the need arises." Zangetsu spoke slowly, frowning into the distance. "He has agreed to respect your authority for now, though his motives are his own and he does not share them freely."
Ichigo didn't know what to say to this, so he just moved on. "Why haven't I been able to reach you until now?"
"It was unnecessary." Zangetsu turned back towards him. "It was more important to conserve energy for your next battle than it was to ease whatever fears you were harboring."
"So it's necessary now?" Ichigo countered, feeling stung by the dismissal of his worry.
"It is not," Zangetsu informed him stoically, "However, your anxiety was becoming uncomfortable, and he expressed an interest in bringing you here."
"Why?" Ichigo narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
"I am unsure." Zangetsu met his gaze steadily.
"Aren't you two supposed to be connected somehow? He told me he was you at one point," Ichigo pressed. "Shouldn't you know what he's thinking?"
"We are both a part of you," Zangetsu reminded him. "Under your logic, you should also have insight into his reasoning, and yet you are as blind as I."
Ichigo huffed, folding his arms across his chest; he could tell the old man wouldn't be more forthcoming. "When will I be able to fight as a shinigami?" he asked after a moment.
"I have recovered sufficiently to aid you in battle, though it would be unwise to draw on your Hollow abilities at this point," Zangetsu reported placidly.
"You'll tell me when it's safe." It wasn't really a question.
"I will," Zangetsu replied anyway before a slight frown marred his brow. "I believe it is time for you to go."
Ichigo would have asked him what he meant but a shriek pierced the fog of his consciousness and he felt the world lurch. He sat up, one hand fisting against his chest and the other lashing out wildly towards the sound. His alarm clock crashed to the floor, falling blissfully quiet as the batteries rolled free.
(*)
He'd seriously considered not going to school, but he'd already missed a fair number of days and this was his last chance to pick up his homework before the weekend. It really hadn't turned out that bad; most people were so used to his frequent absences that it passed without notice. He missed Rukia though, because without her there to poke him he'd managed to doze off three times, only to be jolted awake by a sharp word from the teacher.
When the final bell sounded he left the building feeling almost normal. His talk with Zangetsu and his Hollow hadn't cleared up everything, but he still felt a lot better. There was an itch settling between his shoulders, which he associated with the need to be active, and after Zangetsu's assurances he couldn't resist. Technically, he knew he wasn't supposed to be wandering alone, but he figured if he stayed relatively close to either his home or Urahara's he should be okay. Besides, he would be paying attention this time.
Dropping his books on his desk, he pulled the substitute badge from his pocket, grinning down at it. He hesitated for only a moment before pressing it to his chest. There was the brief, familiar tug, a bit more painful this time, and then he felt the wonderful freedom as he left his body behind. He fought back the urge to shout out loud, conscious that Karin might be home to hear him. Instead, he quietly shoved his body into bed, opened the window, and hopped out into the fresh air.
He leapt from rooftop to rooftop, enjoying the familiar weight of Zangetsu on his back. The tension in his muscles seemed to fall away as he came to rest on an unmarked building a couple of blocks from Urahara's. Being a shinigami was as much a part of his life as breathing, and his concerns over the potential loss of that had weighed him down more than he'd realized. He felt lighter than he had since he'd woken from his near death.
He wondered briefly what Renji was up to. He figured the older man must have dropped him off that morning before heading out on patrol. He sighed to himself; he really needed to learn to sleep lighter. Unfortunately, his thoughts brought back the echo of the Hollow's taunts, and he felt the heat rising in his cheeks. He shook his head to dispel the memory; the whole thing was screwed up enough without adding someone else's opinion into the mix.
"What are you doing out here?" A familiar voice brought his head around as Matsumoto approached.
"Just making sure everything still works." He gave her a half smile which she returned with a grin of her own.
"You're not supposed to be alone." Hitsugaya landed beside his vice-captain.
"Relax, Toushirou, I'm not going far." Ichigo rolled his eyes.
"It's Hitsugaya-taichou," he informed his stiffly. "And that's not the point."
"Well you're here now, so it's not a big deal," Ichigo pointed out easily.
"It's dangerous, Kurosaki," Hitsugaya speared him with a rather sharp look. "You of all people should know that."
"I do know that, Toushirou," Ichigo assured him, his smile turning hard. "I have no intention of making the same mistake twice."
Hitsugaya let the name slide, staring up at him for a moment before returning his gaze to the skyline. "I saw you that day," he said softly. "I have no desire to see anything like that again."
Ichigo sighed, rolling his neck. He didn't have any response for something like that.
"The captain can be a little hard to understand sometimes," Matsumoto whispered, her voice carrying easily. "I think he actually kind of admires you. He's just worried."
Hitsugaya growled low in his throat, choosing to ignore both her and Ichigo, who biting down on a smirk.
"See." Matsumoto apparently found some confirmation in the sound, because she was still smiling. "That's how you know he cares."
"Do you ever just stop and listen to yourself?" Hitsugaya pressed his fingers into his temples, thoroughly exasperated.
"Are you saying that you weren't worried about Ichigo-kun?" she asked, wide eyed and innocent.
"That's beside the point," he snapped. "You shouldn't be talking about me like I'm not here. I'm your captain, show some respect."
"But I always respect you, captain," she whined, reaching out as if to hug him. "You're the sweetest, more adorable captain in all of Seireitei."
"Gah." He slapped her hands away. "This is what I'm talking about."
Ichigo smiled as the argument heated up. He dropped carefully down on the edge of the roof and stared out over the city, letting it all wash over him. Even with the dull throb of a headache, courtesy of his still unstable reiatsu, and the constant bickering of the mismatched pair beside him, this all just felt right.
(*)
Ichigo stared moodily at the dark ceiling, the familiar restlessness crawling up his spine. He'd stayed with Hitsugaya and Matsumoto until the end of their patrol, but they'd insisted that he return home to rest after that. The young captain had said he would add him to the rotation in the next day or two, but only after he'd promised to stay inside after they left. He was regretting that promise now.
He'd finished all of his homework in a three hour fit of boredom, and was almost wishing his teachers weren't quite as understanding, because now he had nothing to do. He'd gone through a series of exercises, but had to call it quits when a throbbing had developed in his right arm that just wouldn't go away. No one was going to let him out any time soon if he injured himself again. He'd resigned himself to another night of staring at the ceiling and wishing he was anywhere else but there.
He tried not to think about sleeping, because those thoughts led to ones of Renji and he was feeling a bit uncomfortable with that topic at the moment. He wouldn't admit it, but he was a little nervous about seeing the other man again. He'd still been hovering at the edge of consciousness when he'd apologized for the licking incident, and he was fairly certain he remembered the other man rejecting his statement. It made him uneasy because he didn't know why Renji would think he wasn't sorry. He hadn't wanted to lick him. It was a misunderstanding.
He rolled over to face the wall. He needed a better excuse and he knew it. He wanted to blame his drug-altered state, but it somehow felt wrong. He was pretty sure that he wouldn't have been licking anyone if he'd been in full control of himself, but his fascination with the tattoos had started well before that point. He buried his face in his pillow to muffle his groan of frustration. There had to be some sort of demon magic at work, there just had to be.
He heard the soft scrape of his window sliding open but didn't move, childishly hoping that to ignore the presence would somehow make it not real. This, of course, failed and a moment later he heard the soft pad of feet on carpet as the intruder crossed the room.
"If you're tryin' to pretend you're asleep then ya really suck at it," Renji pointed out helpfully from somewhere near his head.
Ichigo turned, finding him crouched by the bed, lit by the nearly full moon. "I wasn't."
"So what are ya doin', then?" Renji cocked an eyebrow at him.
"I was thinking," he huffed, turning fully onto his side.
"Uh-huh." Renji sat back on the floor, his eyes narrowed. "Heard you were patrolling by yourself today."
Ichigo bristled slightly. "I wasn't doing anything dangerous."
"Everything's dangerous right now," Renji scowled. "Ya want to get your ass hurt again?"
"I was careful," he snapped, sitting up to glare at him. "I can take care of myself; I don't need someone looking over my shoulder all the time."
"Yeah, that's how ya got stabbed into the ground, dumbass," Renji reminded him harshly.
"That wasn't my fault." Ichigo ran an agitated hand through his hair. "The same thing could have happened to anyone."
"No," Renji countered, rolling forward onto his knees and planting his hands on the bed. "If it was anyone else they'd be dead. You got a second chance, don't fuckin' waste it."
Ichigo gritted his teeth. "I just needed to get out of here. I've been locked up for days."
"I get it, ya know I do." Renji shook his head. "But Aizen's got some crazy shit out there and any one of us could be next. You can't take it personal that we have to be more careful."
"I know," he muttered irritably.
Renji slumped forward onto his elbows, resting his face in his palms. "I don't blame you for bein' restless, I'd be if I were you."
"Yeah, well Toushirou says I can join the rotation soon, so that should help." Ichigo shrugged moodily.
"Just don't go out by yourself again, okay?" Renji sounded tired.
Ichigo didn't bother to respond; they both knew he'd already agreed. "Is that where you're coming from?"
"Yeah, I was out with Hitsugaya. He's been coverin' a lotta extra shifts while you recover." Renji crossed his arms on the edge of the bed, resting his chin on them.
"And I suppose he sent you here to keep an eye on me." Ichigo lay back against his pillow, staring at the ceiling.
"Sorta," Renji confirmed, before adding, "I woulda come anyway."
Ichigo ignored the last comment. "I already promised him I wouldn't go out; I don't need someone to watch me?"
"He trusts you…mostly." Renji smirked at him, "I think he just felt better knowin' you had someone here with you. Nothin' says an Arrancar can't come after ya while you're sleepin'."
"I guess," Ichigo conceded.
They stayed like that for awhile before Renji finally stirred, sitting back and rolling his shoulders. He reached up, untying his hair and shaking it free. Ichigo watched it settle around his face and down his back, wondering how he managed to change his appearance so drastically though one simple act. He stood, still raking his fingers through the crimson mass, and started to undress. Ichigo turned back towards the ceiling.
"Ya have anything I could sleep in?" Renji asked. "These ain't really that comfortable."
It was bright enough to make out the other man already digging through one of his drawers, wearing nothing but his hakama. As he turned, Ichigo caught a flash of skin from the gaps at his hips, wondering both why he was noticing it and why he hadn't before.
He rolled out of bed and padding over to the dresser, pointedly ignoring the cascade of hair that was shifting to reveal glimpses of tattooed flesh. He pushed Renji's hands aside, digging through the drawer himself and coming up with a pair of nondescript, cotton shorts. He wore them to sleep sometimes and he supposed the height difference didn't matter with shorts. He handed them to the other man and returned to bed.
Renji changed quickly and Ichigo scooted over to make room as he approached. He stopped a few feet away, bending down to shake out his clothes before tossing them over a chair. He stood, turning a slow circle.
"Lose something?" Ichigo eyed him curiously.
"The tie I use for my hair," Renji confirmed. "I only set it down for a minute."
"Maybe you left it in the drawer," he suggested.
Renji pawed back through the contents, but in the dim light it was hard to make out anything in the confined space. He gave up, digging through the clothes on the chair once again.
"Fuckin' things get lost all the time," he complained, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Don't suppose you have something I could use."
"Yeah, cause I have so much extra hair." Ichigo rolled his eyes.
"Smartass," Renji smirked.
"You could turn on the light," Ichigo pointed out.
"Not worth it," he shrugged. "Just try not to drool on it."
Ichigo snorted and faced the wall as Renji settled in behind him. He was a little surprised when the other man didn't immediately invade his space and glance over his shoulder revealed that Renji had his back to him. Ichigo shrugged mentally, pulling his blanket more securely around him.
Renji made no attempt to strike up further conversation and Ichigo drifted back into his thoughts. He knew he was going to have to talk to Renji about this shit eventually, because it was wearing him down and he'd found no answers on his own. The problem was that he really didn't want to talk about it, because it was uncomfortable and confusing, neither of which he dealt with very well. It was situations like this that always lead to Renji accusing him of acting all girly. He hated that.
He sighed, rolling over to face Renji, careful to avoid the pool of hair spread out behind him. He frowned, trying to simultaneously quell both the Hollows words, which were still dancing through his thoughts, and the shiver that that was crawling up his spine. Renji was a friend, albeit a strange one, and he wasn't such a coward that he had to run every time something happened that he didn't understand. He could be rational and control himself. He launched into his new mantra: I will not touch the tattoos.
Unfortunately, far from helping to put his mind at ease, this just seemed to remind him that he did, in fact, want to touch the tattoos. He clenched his jaw, wondering what the hell was wrong with him. He dragged his eyes away from Renji's back and stared into the hair falling haphazardly between them.
It was an interesting color, darkened by the shadows of the room until it resembled a fine wine. Ichigo wondered if it was as soft as it looked and immediately glowered at himself for the thought. He'd definitely been cooped up for too long. Still, the thought refused to go away, and there was something so intriguing about the vivid splash of color over the bare skin. They'd already established Renji didn't mind being touched, and the temptation was making his palm itch.
Ichigo reached out, his fingers barely making contact; skimming hesitantly over the surface like he was afraid of being burned. He pulled back, uncertain, but Renji gave no indication that he'd even felt the feather light touch. His fingers slipped forward again, dipping into the hair against the other man's neck, testing the texture between his thumb and forefinger. This was okay, Renji had done this to him more than once, he was just returning the gesture.
He dragged his fingers through the strands and Renji settled deeper into the pillow, sighing softly. He ran his fingers over his scalp, digging his nails in slightly like he'd felt the other man do on occasion. Renji let out a little sound of encouragement and Ichigo smirked, raking the full length of his hair, pausing briefly to separate a tangle he found. There was something soothing about the feel of the locks between his fingers; he could see why Renji did this.
Emboldened by his discoveries, he brushed the hair back from the other man's temple, tucking it behind his ear and tracing softly along the lobe. He pressed deeper, grazing the skin of his throat as he stroked downward. Renji shivered, tilting his chin away, opening himself further to the soft caress.
Ichigo felt something flutter in his stomach, a panicky kind of exhilaration that made him feel lightheaded. He slid back through the hair, running his fingers gently along the curve of Renji's neck. The redhead shifted, releasing a breath he'd been holding, and Ichigo felt drawn to the sound. It was intoxicating, the feel of the hair, the skin, the subtle responses.
His hand slipped lower, tracing across his shoulder, lost in the feel of the warmth beneath his fingers. His arm began to tremble and he could feel his heart pounding in his throat. He dug into the vibrant hair, sweeping it aside to reveal the curve of the spine beneath moon lit skin. Before he had time to think, let alone consider the repercussions, he leaned forward to press his lips against the tantalizing flesh.
Renji sucked in a breath through his teeth, his shoulders tensing, and Ichigo pulled back quickly. He pushed himself up, trying to see the other man's face, biting his lip as he realized what he'd just done. Renji turned slowly, rolling onto his back and staring up at him in question.
"What do you think you're doin' now?" he murmured, eyes glittering in the semi-darkness.
"I don't know," Ichigo breathed, wondering if he looked as confused as he sounded.
"I think you do," Renji accused softly.
He reached up, his fingers brushing across Ichigo's jaw; thumb tracing the corner of his mouth, dragging his lip down. Ichigo felt his heart slam painfully into his ribs, his breath catching somewhere in his throat. The fingers slid further back to tease the hair at his nape, sending a little shiver through him. Renji lifted himself on one elbow, brow twitching slightly as he met Ichigo's wide eyed stare.
"I'm sorry," Ichigo whispered, because he didn't know what else to say.
"Liar," Renji smirked, cupping the back of his head, tangling his fingers in the bright orange hair.
When Renji pulled him down he didn't resist, uncertainty and shock paralyzing his system. He felt Renji's breath ghost across his cheek, and then there was a brush of lips against his own, barely there before they were gone. The other man pulled back, studying him through half lowered lashes, looking for something that he must have found because a second later he was back.
Renji's lips were soft against his, stroking gently, pliant and warm. Ichigo's mind reeled, unsure of how to respond, unpracticed and untested. Renji's lips parted slightly and his tongue traced the seam of the younger man's mouth, questioning, inviting. Ichigo gasped, eyes fluttering closed, responding on instinct as he reached out to brush his own tongue against the would-be intruder. Timid at first, and then growing bolder, they danced slowly together.
Renji wrapped an arm around his waist, falling back against the bed and taking Ichigo with him. He tightened his hold, pulling him closer, pressing into Ichigo's mouth to explore him further. Ichigo felt his head start to spin, an ache settling in his chest and spreading out through his limbs. He pulled back, panting heavily against Renji's mouth, feeling slightly dizzy.
"What the fuck?" he mumbled roughly, trying to catch his breath.
"Gotta breathe through your nose, dumbass." He could feel the redhead smirk against his lips.
"Oh." That wasn't what he meant, but it made sense as well, and there was no more time for thought because Renji was kissing him again.
He reached down to bury his fingers in Renji's hair, pulling him up as their tongues slid together. Renji nipped at his lower lip, drawing it into his mouth and Ichigo shuddered against him. Teeth sank gently into the soft flesh and a trembling noise rose in the back of his throat, his fingers tightening in the silky locks.
Renji bit back a growl, rolling to pin Ichigo to the bed, his hair a curtain around them both. His hands came up to frame the Ichigo's face, thumbs tracing his cheekbones. The kiss turned heavier, needier, and Ichigo felt his heart flutter in his chest as panic began to rise. Renji must have felt it, too, because a second later he was gone, flipping onto his back next to the younger man, his breathing ragged and uneven.
"Sorry," he muttered, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes.
Ichigo opened his mouth to respond but no sound came out so he closed it again. He pressed two fingers to his lips, finding them still damp and slightly swollen.
"What the hell just happened?" He hated the tremor he could hear in his voice.
"Ya ain't stupid, I'm pretty sure you can figure it out," Renji drawled, his hands still over his eyes.
"That's not…you know…what the fuck just happened!" Ichigo sat up, scooting away until his back hit the wall.
"It's okay, Ichigo, relax." Renji rolled onto his side, frowning but making no move to reach for him.
"It's not okay," Ichigo snapped
"Yes it is," Renji assured him calmly, brushing the long hair back from his face.
"No." Ichigo's eyes were wide. "I like girls!"
"So?" Renji looked genuinely perplexed.
"What do you mean so?" Ichigo looked at him incredulously. "You're not a girl!"
"Figure that one out all by yourself?" the redhead snorted, propping his head up on his fist and cocking an eyebrow as the younger man. "Why does likin' girls mean ya can't kiss a guy?"
"Because it does." Ichigo needed to be somewhere else. "That's like bi or something."
"See, they even have a word for it." Renji looked vaguely amused and Ichigo scowled at him.
"I'm not bisexual," he hissed, his eyes flickering towards the still open window.
"Ya sure about that?" Renji's tone was dry.
"Yes!" Ichigo snapped reflexively before frowning at himself. "Well…I…Damnit!" He tried to roll out of bed but Renji caught hold of his arm.
"Don't go runnin' off again." He pulled him back down.
"Just let me go." He sounded like he had the morning before the attack and Renji frowned, refusing to let him go this time.
"Stop it," he snapped when Ichigo tried to pull away again, and they both fell still.
They stared hard at each other for a moment as Ichigo fought the urge to struggle, reminding himself about all the shit he'd promised. Renji sighed, releasing him when it became apparent that he wouldn't attempt to bolt.
"You should try to get some sleep, think about this shit when you're not freakin' out." He sat up, bringing them back to eye level. "You want me to go?" he asked softly.
"I don't know," Ichigo answered honestly. "I just…how can you be so calm about this? Are you…?" He made a vague gesture with his hand.
"I never really thought about it before." Renji shrugged. "And I ain't exactly calm," he admitted, looking thoughtful. "I guess you just stop worryin' so much about shit that can't kill you, after a certain point."
Ichigo winced, reminded that, despite appearances, Renji was probably at least four or five times his age. He suddenly felt very young and very out of his element; he dropped his eyes to the bed.
"Do you want me to leave?" Renji asked him again.
"No," Ichigo mumbled, almost inaudibly.
Renji reached out to tip his chin up with the backs of his fingers, forcing him to meet his eyes. "Sorry 'bout all this."
"It's not your fault." Ichigo slid down against the mattress, turning to face the wall again. "I started it."
"Yeah, but I shouldn't have pushed you." Renji slipped in behind him, careful to keep a space between them.
Ichigo was silent for a long time, battling through his confusion and fear. If he was honest with himself, he'd seen something like this coming, there had been a certain amount of warning, after all. He had just never decided what he thought about it, having spent far too much time running and too little time actually thinking. He supposed this was the price of his cowardice. Gods, his head felt like it was going to explode from all the conflicting emotion.
He tensed when something brushed against the back of his neck, trailing upwards along his scalp. He let out a breath as Renji reached forward, dragging his fingers through the front of his hair.
"You're gonna fuckin' break your teeth if ya don't relax." Renji spoke softly in the darkness.
Ichigo let his eyes slip closed as the fingers continued to sooth away his tension. He could feel Renji's hair drifting against his shoulder, and knew the other man was watching his face. He knew that he was worried, and he wanted to say something reassuring to let him know that he'd be okay, but nothing came to mind. He let himself unwind under the skilled touch.
"Renji?" he whispered after several long moments.
"Hm?" Renji stroked a finger behind his ear.
"It wasn't…" He licked his lips, feeling the blush creeping into his face. "It wasn't bad," he admitted.
Renji chucked softly, shifting closer and wrapping his arm around his waist. "Go to sleep, Ichigo," he murmured against the back of his neck.
"Yeah," he agreed softly, settling back against the warm other body. The arm around him tightened fractionally and he let his breathing even out. He had a feeling that tomorrow was going to be a bitch, but for now, he supposed this was okay.