7
Erotic images flashed through her mind, all the positions and places she had ever dreamed or fantasised about. However she couldn't tell him that!
"I…I love you" she said looking at the coffee table with a concentration that was usually reserved for her alien artefacts.
"I'm too old for you Sam, you deserve someone younger, better, cleverer someone with less baggage than I have" he sounded tired, maybe she should have waited, but she knew if she had she would never have managed to say it. "Sam, listen to me" she turned to him, but could not hold his gaze, he lifted her chin so he could see her.
"Sam" he was almost whispering, he leaned in and kissed her gently on the lips. There was nothing overtly sexual about the kiss, but she felt as if she had received an electric shock. She met his eyes with her own and she saw shock reflected back at her. He must have felt it too, and he didn't expect it! "We can't do this" he said, her eyes filled with tears.
She knew they couldn't, didn't he realise it? That was the only reason she had not picked the lock and been laid naked on his bed when he got home! However she was tired, tired of seeing people die, and tired of feeling guilty every time it wasn't him that died.
She wanted to be free, to be able to pick someone up for a fling, or not as the whim took her, rather than desperately dreaming all day and night of the man she could not have. She was confused!
She had not felt like this since her first serious boyfriend, and the same as back then, she had no one to turn to for advice. However unlike then, her CO was not intent on getting into her pants at the cost of all else. She loved him so much it hurt, and the thought that he would reject her after she had told him what she felt hurt even more.
He pulled her towards him, and she rested her head on his shoulder, she wanted to argue, to convince him she knew what she was doing, but she didn't. Daniel had been correct when he had exploded at her when he was ill, she didn't know what love was, she had thought she did, but now she was sure she hadn't.
Her every minute of late was focussed on this man, she was having trouble sleeping, and not just because she was sexually frustrated, she kept dreaming that he was injured, that he was dead, or even that he was in love with someone else.
She didn't know which dreams scared her more! She looked up at him, his face was troubled, she had caused that look.
She sat up straight he looked at her questioningly "I shouldn't have come" she told him, "I swear this will not effect my work," she picked his hand up and pressed it against her cheek as a form of farewell and she left his home. He made no move to stop her.
The next day she was called to the control room just in time to see her father step through the wormhole.
During the hunt for Seth she learnt some more things about herself that hurt, she could use the hand device to kill, and her pent up emotions came out all directed at the Goa'uld. She hit him so hard he sank into the floor of the tunnel as if he was a blow up doll with a puncture.
As much as her father tried to help her get over it, she could not get out of her head that she had killed someone with her mind, sheer hate fuelled the device, her father had pulled her into is arms, in some way he knew what she was going though, probably his symbiote provided the experience of a former host. She could not relax into his embrace, it was nothing to do with Selmak, she just did not feel comfortable. Her father had never really been 'dad' since she hit her teens.
She couldn't help compare her father to her CO while she was being held. She wished the two men would change places. Of course they didn't. Her father took her away for the weekend to visit her brother at his home.
She had not seen Mark in several years, though she had met his wife a couple of times when she had been in the area, her father was willing to try his hardest to get close to his only son, but Mark was not making it easy and he seemed unwilling to forgive her for the ultimate sin of joining the Airforce.
After a huge row with her brother, one that only ended when the children walked into the room, she left her father and Selmak there on the Saturday and caught a hop back to Peterson.
She collapsed on her sofa as soon as she got home. Why could she not cope with the men in her life? It wasn't as if she was too demanding… was it? All she wanted was for them not to be disappointed in her, for them to accept her for what she was. Was it really asking too much?
Her phone rang, she sat and listened to the answer machine taking a message. "Carter? Your dad called… Carter, pick up" he paused, she considered picking it up, but then she would have to talk to him and she was in no mood to be rejected by him again. She had told him her closest held secret and he had rejected her. She knew she wasn't being fair, he had not exactly rejected her, but she couldn't shake the feeling.
She got to her feet and went into her room, she got out the sexiest dress she could find, applied her makeup put on her fuck-me shoes and grabbed her bag. She left her home and headed into the town centre.
She got very drunk, she knew she was far gone when she allowed the ape to fondle her, but to be honest, she didn't care, she wanted sex, and was not too picky about who it was she went home with, he was decent looking, if not her usual type.
At the last minute, just as she was about to get in his car with him she felt someone grab her from behind.
"Hey!" the ape shouted getting back out of the drivers side "she's with me"
"No she isn't" she stiffened when she heard his voice
"Go find your own screw old man, she's coming home with me tonight" he pumped his chest and flexed his arms. She giggled.
"No giggling Carter" he said into her hair, she watched the ape come around the car.
"You don't know who you are messing with old man" he growled
"He doesn't care" she told him "he can break you in two without breaking a sweat" but she knew it was futile, the ape wouldn't listen, he thought he was tough.
She watched as he telegraphed his intentions and drew back his arm, he swung a fist at the man holding her, who ducked under the arm, dragging her down with him, as she knew he would, he straightened and while not breaking his hold he punched the guy once, he went down like he had been poleaxed.
She turned in his arms, still giggling, she threw her arms around his neck and tried to kiss him. He dodged her and started dragging her to his truck.
"Ready to have some fun?" she asked him, trying to get her hand down to feel him.
"Carter what you are ready for is some coffee." He said, he pressed the fob and the doors unlocked. He held her against the truck while he opened the door, she wrapped her leg around him, pulling her crotch towards his. He lifted her into the passenger seat and fastened her belt.
"Jaaack" she pouted "make love to me" she tried to kiss him, almost falling out of the open door, he gave her a look and slammed it shut, she realised there was no chance of them doing anything, he had just followed her to spoil her fun.
She waited until he fastened his belt and put the car into gear and she opened the door and escaped. She made it into the bar before he caught up to her. And slipped through the crowd and out of the back door.
She looked around, there were 4 more bars in sight, she picked the one that looked best to her eyes and sauntered across to it.
One way or the other she was going to get laid tonight!