Chapter 4:

January 10, 2007- New York City, New York, New York General

She headed towards the OR and walked into the scrub room. She was extremely relieved when she saw that it was empty after she remembered some of her past scrub room moments that involved Derek. She picked up a mask and tied it around her neck before turning the water on.

She heard the doorknob turn and someone walk in. She made her self fight the urge to turn and see who it was just because she didn't want to see Derek's face. When she saw his arms reach for a mask, her suspicions were confirmed and she began to feel even more uncomfortable then she already had been.

"Mer," he said softly, in a longing voice.

"Derek, I moved on. I'm dating someone, I live with him. You can't waltz back into my life. Not now," she said without looking at him.

"I miss you, Meredith."

"Derek you need to move on too," Meredith said finally letting herself gaze into his eyes.

"Meredith, I tried to move on. I tried to tell myself that you don't want me and that I can't have you anymore. I tried so hard, but how can anyone let go of the one person who makes them happy? The only person who made them feel alive? You just can't let go of something like that," Derek said getting softer and trailing off at the end.

Meredith looked at him as her face began to get red and a tear rolled down her eye. Derek couldn't stand watching her fall apart like this anymore. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a kiss full of pent up passion.

Meredith pushed Derek away, "What the hell do you think you are doing?" Meredith asked without giving Derek the time to answer, "Derek you can't do that. You lost the right to do that a long time ago. I'm in love Derek. Just not with you anymore. I've told you once and I'll tell you again, I've moved on and it's time for you to do the same." And with that she walked into the OR leaving Derek shocked.

He collected himself and walked into the OR that was now full of nurses and other Doctors. He tried to steal a glance from Meredith to find out what she was thinking or feeling, but she refused to give him even that. She stood as far away from him as she possibly could.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives," Derek said as he usually do, annoying Meredith with the familiarity she was feeling to the life she left six months ago.

Derek began the surgery without looking up from Kelly's brain. When he finally did, he saw Meredith and let him feel his emotions again, which is something he rarely did in the operating room. "Dr. Grey? Would you help me with this?" Derek asked. Meredith looked up at him and gave him a bitter look and then walked over to him. She stopped on the opposite side of Kelly's head that Derek was on.

Derek straightened his back and took a few steps away from Kelly to let Meredith step in and take his place. When she did, he walked closer to her and allowed their bodies to gently touch. Meredith felt her knees buckling, but she straightened herself up as Derek handed her the scalpel. Derek put his left hand on Meredith's lower back and put his right hand over her grip on the scalpel so that he could guide her through the process.

When the surgery was over, Derek released Meredith and she got away from him as fast as she could. She walked into the scrub room and threw away her gloves and mask before washing her hands. Derek walked in and did the same and they ended up in front of the sink again. Meredith refused to look at him or say anything. She finished washing her hands and dried them quickly. After throwing away the paper towels she walked over to the door. She stopped for a moment and looked back at Derek. He looked at her and she opened her mouth to say something, but stopped herself and left.

She walked down the hall and ran into Meg. "Hey Meredith," Meg said. Meredith kept walking with Meg at her side, not responding to her. "Meredith?"

"What?" Meredith asked angrily.

"I just wanted to talk to you," Meg said taken back by Meredith's tone.

"Why? So you can give me more reasons why I should go with the one man that has hurt me the most in this world? Because if that is what you wanted to talk about then go talk to him about it because I don't care," Meredith said before walking off and leaving Meg shocked.

Meredith walked into her apartment and placed her keys and purse down on the table as she usually did. She began to walk down the hall, but stopped. She turned around and walked back over to the table. She looked and saw that the drawer was open a little; not enough to usually catch your attention, but just enough to know that someone unlocked it.

She stepped back and looked around. She saw Jacob's brief case leaning against the leg of the table and his shoes next to it as they usually were. Suddenly her apartment seemed too quiet and the sunlight coming from the windows of the other rooms became blinding.

Meredith walked into her bedroom, knowing what she was going to find. She saw Jacob sitting on their bed with an opened letter in his hands and a few others spread out on the bed. She stood in the doorway, not sure what she could do or say at this point.

Jacob dropped the letter and looked up at Meredith. She avoided eye contact with him at first, but decided that wasn't fair to him and finally forced herself to look at him and admit her mistakes. She walked over to him and sat down on the bed across from him. He looked up at her, "So this guy, he really loves you, doesn't he?"

Meredith swallowed hard and thought about her response, "I wouldn't know. He never told me."

Jacob looked down at the papers, "He did in these letters. A million different ways. He explained everything that happened between you two, which was something that you never did." Meredith began to feel even more guilt then she had been when she first saw him with the letters. "And you really loved him. Or love him. That's the part I'm not completely sure about." Meredith began to say something in defense, but Jacob put his hand up to stop her as he stood up. "Let me just ask you one question. Do you really love me or am I just a replacement for what you can't have?"

"Excuse me? Dr. Shepherd?"

Derek looked up from the files before him, "Yes?" he said.

"I know you don't know me, but I know you… well I know of you. I'm Dr. Meg Lord. I'm one of Meredith's friends," Meg said a little uncomfortably.

Derek sighed, "And now you're here to tell me to get the hell out of her life?"

"No, no, not at all," Meg said surprising Derek. "I know a little about what happened between you two and I've never seen Meredith so emotional about something. When her and Jacob broke up for a little while a few months back, she was practically excited compared to what she was when she saw you. Now I know it's not good that you've hurt her so bad, but there is obviously something still there."

"That's why I'm here," Derek said still a little surprised that Meg wasn't trying to kill him.

"Yeah, but she hates you and she supposedly loves Jacob," Meg said, "Its really kind of hard for me to help you because it clearly forces me to cross way too many lines, but I sometimes just sense things and I can sense this thing about you and Meredith. I've known Jacob my entire life and I know that he's never cared about anyone more than he cares about Meredith, but she always seems so dull towards the relationship, yet so emotional in the day that you've been back."

Derek wasn't sure what to say. It wasn't like he had some master plan that he could unravel and show her. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing except for trying to talk to Meredith without her crying or yelling at him.

"Maybe we could try and get some of her friends from Seattle to talk to her. I mean she did have friends in Seattle, right?" Meg asked.

Derek nodded, "Yeah she did. I've got to go, but thanks," he said. He gave her a halfhearted smile and then turned around to leave.

"Jacob, it's not like that. I left him. I left Seattle. And I love you," Meredith said with tears running down her face.

Jacob sighed, "Meredith, I know when I'm being lied straight to my face. If you did, you wouldn't get such a pained look upon your face when you tell me you love me. Meredith, I need you to be honest. I'd rather be hurt by the truth now then have my hopes held up by some worthless lie."

"You've got to be kidding me," Cristina said as she looked at her cell phone in Joe's bar.

"What?" Izzie asked.

"It's Shepherd."

"What?" George asked. Cristina picked up her phone and outside to answer it, leaving the other interns to wonder. "It's about Meredith," George said

"Well Duh," Alex said, finding George's remark stupid.

"Isn't she dating some guy in New York? I thought she was happy," Izzie said.

"She probably was and then Shepherd ruined it," George said.

They heard the ringing of the bell above the door and turned around to see Cristina walking back in.

"He wants her back, but she doesn't want anything to do with him," Cristina said plainly.

"And?" George asked expecting more.

"And now it's apparently our problem to fix," Cristina said as she sat down.

"How?" Izzie asked.

"Me," Cristina said receiving confused looks from everyone else.

Meredith didn't say anything; she just sat on her bed and cried. She had no idea what she could say to Jacob. He paced around the room for a few minutes and calmed down before he went over to Meredith. He sat down next to her and waited until she had calmed down too.

"Meredith, it's obvious to me that you are not over him," he said. Everyone word that came out of his mouth seemed to pain both him and Meredith. "If you want me here, I'll stay, but you need to promise me that you're trying and you are going to stay away from him."

Meredith looked up at Jacob, "I promise," she mumbled before he wrapped his arms around her and brought her close to his body. He felt her trembling as she began to cry again and decided that he was going to have to hold on to that worthless lie for just a little bit longer.