10
After she lay with his head on her chest, she stroked his hair. He wasn't asleep, she knew that, but he said nothing at all, he just lay and held her as if afraid she was going to disappear.
"What's wrong?" she asked, he moved slightly and she realised her chest was wet, was Jack O'Neill crying? "Jack?" he kissed her breast and his hand rose to the other one and started to fondle her.
She would love to lose herself in him once more, but she wanted to know what had upset him so much first. "Jack stop, talk to me please, what's wrong?"
"We shouldn't have done this… hell! I mean I shouldn't" now she felt like crying, but at the same time she felt her anger rising, she pushed him off her and got off the bed.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Sir" she said "I'll get out of your house now, my request for transfer will be on your desk in the morning" her heart was breaking, but what had she expected? She regretted what she had done now, because she had wanted to make love to him and all that they had had was a quick screw.
He grabbed her by the arms as she made her way to the door, "Sam no… I didn't mean it like that honey, Oh God! I'm sorry…" he pulled her into a tight embrace, she was sure she would have bruises on her arms the next day, he held her so tight. She could feel him trembling, she didn't know what was wrong, but whatever it was had stripped him of the calm exterior he usually showed the world.
He manoeuvred them both back to the bed and wordlessly he pressed her to sit and then lay down, she did as he wished but held herself rigid, waiting.
"I don't know how much you know about my life from before the programme, though I suspect you know a lot more than you should" she blushed, he had guessed she had done a check on him, she just hoped he didn't realise she had seen everything.
"I was captured on a mission in Iraq, it took 4 months before they got me out, and every day of it was…hell. When… When they got me back stateside, I was a mess… not so much physically, but emotionally." She had seen the pictures, if he thought that was nothing compared to the state of his mind she was not sure she could hear the rest… but she had to, HE needed to tell someone! "I… I had nightmares and they told me I attacked people while asleep, and then the shrink they assigned to me told me that I couldn't go home and see Sarah and Charlie." He sobbed at the mention of his son and curled into her as she lay on the bed, she tightened her arms and held him.
"I don't know how, but I managed to…to…"
"Put it in a box?" she said
"Yeah," he paused as if contemplating the idea. "Anyway, eventually I was released, Sarah learnt to spot the signs of my dreaming and not to touch me"
"Well, it isn't like it is hard to spot" she said and immediately wished she hadn't interrupted him again, because he sat up and looked at her.
"What?" he asked
"You go rigid, every so often in your sleep, we all know about it Jack. Though we didn't know what was happening"
"Shit!" he scrubbed his face with his hands "I thought…I hoped I wasn't still doing it"
She pulled him back down beside her, "Don't worry, we know, whatever it is, you cope with it"
"That's just it, I DON'T cope, I ride it out and ignore it, and it had other side effects, I couldn't get close to Sarah after I came back, she tried, for years she tried to… I just couldn't respond to her, we so much didn't want Charlie to be an only child, but I couldn't…" she could only imagine how hard it was for him to be telling her that, but at the same time she felt a surge of pride, she had managed to arouse him, he was fully functional with HER!
"Then I met you, after all the evil in my life, after all the pain, you came. And you were so young and sweet and you looked at the world as if it was a delight, and I knew you thought yourself in love with me! I tried Sam, I did," he was crying again, "I… OH GOD! I wanted you so much, but I knew I couldn't have you, it wasn't fair on you, you deserve someone a hell of a lot better than I am!"
"I don't want anyone else, Jack… I haven't in years… I love you"
"You don't even KNOW me!" he almost shouted
"Then let me in, allow me to see you as you are"
"I don't want to lose you" he said
"I don't want to lose you either, but if we don't try then that is what will happen" he raised his head and kissed her. It had none of the urgency of earlier, but this was even better, it was slow and thorough and passionate.
They made love, properly, taking their time to explore each other and find the spots that turned them on most. And afterwards Jack fell into a deep sleep, while Sam held him.
He did not have a single episode the whole time he slept, he woke several hours later and they rose for some food. After eating they went back to bed and made love all over again, this time they both slept afterwards, peacefully until the next day.
When she went home she found what he had been saying he should not have done, there was a message through her door that said "I Love you too" she kept it, locked in her safe with her documents, it was the nicest thing he had ever done for her!
They continued the affair for several months, without discussing it they agreed to keep it a secret, neither wanted to lose SG1 and neither wanted to stop what they were doing, Sam knew he slept better when she was with him, and she hoped that in some way she was helping him heal. Then suddenly he was trapped offworld for 3 months and when she eventually managed to get the wormhole open and went though he was 'with' another woman.
She knew that they were over, it broke her heart, but she couldn't blame him, he had thought that no one was coming for him, and the alien woman had wanted his child, something she felt unable to offer him, given that she wanted to stay on the front lines.
As soon as they got back she asked for leave, which was granted immediately, after all she had worked for 3 months non stop.
She got her bike out of the garage and left the area. She checked every couple of days for messages, he had always left some, which she deleted as soon as she heard his voice, Daniel called several times, so did Janet.
She went into an internet café and emailed her resignation to the General. She could not face him again now, he had been right, they should never have allowed themselves to be together. She could have continued as they had been if she had never known what it was to love him, but now she did she could not face watching him, seeing him, but being unable to touch him.
She contacted an estate agent and put her house on the market, she left a message for Daniel, telling him where the spare keys were and asking him to pack her possessions up and drop the keys with the agent.
Then as a final gesture, she threw her phone away. She was free! She got on her bike and rode, still not sure where she was heading.
She recognised the neighbourhood she was in eventually, though she had no intention of heading this way, well, not consciously.
She got to the door of the house and rang the bell, a young Spanish woman answered and told her to wait for a while, while she announced her. Sam smiled at the old fashioned terms. Eventually she heard someone hurrying down the wooden halls and she flung herself into the arms of one of her oldest living friends, she broke down in tears immediately and Catherine led her to the parlour and asked the maid for tea.
Though they had not been in touch a lot since the 'gate reopened, Sam knew she could tell Catherine anything she wanted, the woman had mothered everyone on the project, but especially Sam who was definitely in need of some mothering at the time, as she was with Jonas!
She explained about her love affair, leaving out the tiny detail that it was Jack she was talking about, she told her of his betrayal with another woman, though she could not tell her he had been offworld, and she told her about resigning from the air force.
Catherine provided tea and sympathy as well as tissues, and Sam felt a hell of a lot better afterwards. She had decided to apply for a job with a firm called Colson Industries, she had met the CEO several times and had been head hunted by them. But when she mentioned it to Catherine she was not so eager.
"Are the government going to allow you to go?" she asked "after all Sam, no one knows the 'gate programmes like you do, you built them! Why not see if you can be a consultant for the program?"
"I can't Catherine, I can't be there… he … he" she felt tears building again and Catherine changed the subject, it was late, they would be better in the morning discussing it. They had a light supper and Sam went to the guest room the maid had made ready.
She slept fitfully, she hadn't had a decent nights sleep since before he went missing, she had frequent nightmares about what could have happened to him. She had also lost quite a lot of weight, though her waistline was no less than usual.
She stayed with Catherine a few days, she enjoyed the attention, and Catherine said she enjoyed the company, Earnest was often about the house, but he kept away a lot of the time. Sam felt awful about it, but Catherine told her it wasn't a problem.
Eventually though, she knew it was time to move on. She packed her stuff and fastened it to her bike, she kissed Catherine, who hugged her tight, and was about to start the machine up when she was surrounded by a white light!