Chapter 8: Something to call Normal
The past couple of weeks went by so fast. I had done everything I could to get my life back on track, to not let the people around me become part of this tornado of drama surrounding me. I wasn't going to let them become involved in my hell. It was my problem and I was going to deal with it.
All of the guys that abused me were finally behind bars. Bucky got 25 years along with Snapper. The other guy who was finally revealed as Steve was there for 10. I think Bucky and Snapper got the most only because they were the ones who kidnapped me. I'm not really sure though. I didn't care to hear the details... all I cared about was them all being behind bars.
My life was finally going in the right direction. I had all of my friends back and most of my life back as well. Jake and Rachel were officially dating which shocked the hell out of me. Haley as well. Rachel had a personal talk with all three of us... basically trying to show us that she wasn't the bitch we all thought she was. She talked to Haley first and I still remember what Haley told me like it was yesterday.
FLASHBACK
Rachel walked up to Haley slowly as if she was scared Haley would hit her or something. She tapped Haley lightly on the shoulder. Haley spun around on her heel as her smile slowly faded. She stared at Rachel with an "eat shit and die" look before turning back to her friends. Rachel again tapped her on the shoulder but before Haley could say something Rachel said "I need to talk to you." Haley furrowed her brows slightly before turning back to her friends once more. "I'll be back guys". She turned back to Rachel and motioned towards the empty table in front of them.
"So what is this about Rachel... I don't have time for your bitchy games" Haley was far past annoyed with the way Rachel was acting... especially since it involved Jake who just happened to be her first love.
"I wanted to talk to you personally about everything going on with Jake." Her voice was low and muffled but Haley heard her. When it came to Jake she heard everything.
"So start talking" Haley couldn't help but be a little rude to Rachel... after all Rachel was the bitch in this situation.
"Look... I know you don't like me and I understand that... I come of as quite the bitch and I know it, I just can't help it. It's sort of a defense mechanism with me. When I feel threatened I automatically get like that." Haley's face started to soften as she listened intently to everything Rachel was saying. "I really like Jake and I know that you and him have quite a bit of history... that scares me more than I will ever admit. That's why every time I'm around you and your friends I'm all bitchy. I don't want to lose him, but I'm worried that if I tell him this he'll just forget about me and move on."
Haley cocked her head to the side when Rachel finally stopped talking. She was in complete and utter shock at what she had just heard. This was the first time she had actually heard Rachel speak of her feelings and why she was the way she was. Its not everyday that you hear Rachel talk like she actually has feelings. In a way she reminded her of Peyton... always blocking out the way she feels and not letting anyone know how she feels. She couldn't help but feel bad for her and the way she had been treating her.
"You need to listen to me on this one Rachel. Jake isn't the type of guy you think he is. He's not gonna just forget about you because you actually tell him how you feel... he wants to know how you feel, he wants to know what you're thinking. He's actually a pretty stand up guy... after all he made me fall in love with him. He's one of my best friends know and I want to see him happy... and as much as I don't want to admit it... You make him happy... Happier than I have seen him in a long time. He just wants to know how you feel about him. So tell him"
A smile began tugging on Rachel's lips as she re-played what Haley had just told her in her head. For the first time she felt like someone actually cared about how she felt. It was a good feeling to have. Now if only everyone else could be the same way Haley was. She needed to talk to Peyton and Brooke, but that was gonna have to wait... Jake was first.
END FLASHBACK
This was exactly what I needed... some stability in my life. Stability with friends, with family, with school... everything. Haley was right... Rachel and I are more alike than either of us thought. There are so many similarities that each of us share that its not even funny.
We are both pretty much closed off, meaning we don't talk about how we feel. We don't let anyone know that side of us. Theres only a select few that know exactly how we feel. We both have mad trust issues. It takes each of us a while to be able to trust someone... and even then we still don't fully trust them. I guess that's what happens when you have been burned on more than one occasion by people you thought were your friends. And then theres the whole relationship thing... we just have a hard time being with someone. My problem is I can't stand to be around someone for long periods of time, all the time. Her problem is she doesn't want to let them know how she really feels because she's scared of rejection.
She came to talk to me right after she talked to Jake. Her conversation was one for both of them to remember. She revealed everything to him, pouring her heart and soul out and laying it all on the table.
FLASHBACK
She walked slowly towards his house knowing exactly what she needed to do, but still not able to find the words to say. How do you describe how you feel about someone through just words. It's not as easy as all these people make it out to be. Rachel couldn't have been more scared or anxious at any point in time walking.
She reached his front steps hardly moving. She was at an extremely slow pace that was only getting slower with each step she took. She was so scared... scared of rejection... scared that he may share the same feelings, all of it. She wasn't the type to put herself out there and everyone knew it. Her putting herself in this position was one to be praised upon. She may have had some coxing from Haley, but she was the one who ultimately made the decision to talk to him.
This was it. She had finally reached his front door. Breathing heavily she finally knocks on his door. Chills shoot up and down her spine when he answers the door. She couldn't help but smile at how he cute he looked. Hair all ruffled like he had just woken up and a pair of jogging pants hanging loosely from his hips with no shirt what so ever. She flashed him a small smile before walking into his house. He closed the door behind her and followed her to his room.
She sat down on his bed looking around his room trying to distract her mind from what she was about to do. The more she thought about it the harder it was to bring herself to do it. But this was it she had to do it. She saw the way he was looking at her with curiosity and knew it was time.
"Can we talk?" She asked unsure of what his answer would be.
"Yea... is everything okay" He took a seat beside her on the bed and stared at her trying to find the answers in her eyes... they were like stone.
Rachel stood up not wanting to be that close to him when she did this. She took a seat in his computer chair across the room not looking up once. She was about to begin talking but he beat her to it.
"Baby... whatever it is you can talk to me... you know that right." His voice was so soft and gently which only made this harder for her to do. She wanted to tell him everything, but the more she tried the harder it was. Jake stood up and began walking towards her. "No... please... just sit on the bed." Jake stared at her with confusion but did as he was asked and sat back down on the bed.
They sat in silence for a few minutes with not a word said... just silence. She looked up at him and met his curious yet nervous gaze and knew she had to start talking. She took a deep breath and shook the fear and nervousness out and began talking hoping everything came out right.
"I really like you Jake... a lot" Jakes head shot up at the sound of her voice, even more so with what she had just said. He didn't have a chance to respond before she started talking again.
"I like you so much that it scares me. The sexual side that you always see is me being naïve about how I really feel. I guess it's because as long as you don't know how I really feel you'll still be interested, but I can't do this anymore." Jake furrowed his brows and prepared for the worst. He had been through this before. Girl doesn't want to be with you like that... it's just sex. "I don't like you like that... we should just be friends" Lord knows how many times he had heard this. He just put himself in the same state of mind as he did then... "I don't give a shit mode" was dialed in.
"I can't be just sexual with you" This caught his attention. "I want to be so much more and god only knows how scared I am. I am more terrified of my feelings for you then anything else. I always want to be around you, I always want to hear your voice, but most of all... I just want to lay in your arms. I don't want everything between us to be all about sex even though thats how I made it. I made things this way and I can deal with it if you don't want it to be more... but I don't." She stopped talking hoping he would say something, but he didn't. He just sat there. Blank stares and shallow breaths. That was it. Not an emotion in sight.
Rachel stood up thinking it was done right then. She finally opened up and he shot her down. Tears began to slowly fill her eyes as she found it extremely hard to breath. She was becoming more and more claustrophobic with each passing second. She had to get out. She ran past him making her way to the front door. She tried to open it but Jake was quick to shut it back. She laid her head on the door not wanting to turn around and see his expression. She didn't want to see the looks of pity being thrown her way because he didn't share her feelings.
All of her thoughts were brought to a halt as she felt her body being spun around, her lips meeting his in a passionate kiss. They pulled away moments later both of their eyes still closed wanting to remember everything. Jake opened his eyes first bringing his hand to her face gently stroking her cheek. A tear fell from her eye as she slowly opened her eyes.
"I'm glad you told me how you felt. I don't want this to be about sex either" He motioned between the two of them. "I want this to be so much more." Rachel smiled and gave him a gently peck on the lips. "I always wanted this to be more, but I didn't think you did. I went along with the 'Sexcapades' only because I would still be with you. I was worried that if I didn't go along with it I wouldn't have you at all and I didn't want that."
The both smiled and made their way back to Jakes room. They didn't have sex, or make out for hours. No... they just laid in each others arms not saying a word... just savoring the moment not wanting it to end.
END FLASHBACK
I couldn't have been happier for Jake. He like Rachel so much and was probably more worried about his feelings for her more than she was worried about her feelings for him. He is such an open hearted person that always gets his heart broken because he always has his heart and feelings out in the open. I am so happy that he finally got the girl and kept his heart.
I truly think he fell in love with her, but he's not gonna say it just yet. He has to wait for the right moment... just like he did with Haley.
I went to school the next day expecting Rachel to come and talk to me just like she did Haley. I wanted to hear what she had to say. I wasn't gonna be all pissy about her and Jake or anything like that. I just want her to tell me why she was the way she was even though Haley already told me. I just wanted to hear it from the lions mouth.
I got it that afternoon at lunch. Brooke and I were sitting at out usual table just talking it up when she walked over.
FLASHBACK
"Hey Guys" She still couldn't wipe the smile off of her face even though she knew what was about to happen.
"Rachel" Brooke said in her usually bitchy tone towards her.
"Hey Rachel" I put a smile on my face hoping she would sit down and talk with us.
She took a seat directly in front of me her smile fading as Brooke glared at her.
"What are you doing Peyton... She doesn't need to sit here... just in case you forgot she is the reason Jake is so tormented"
"Brooke... just drop it for once would ya... she's not hurting anyone by sitting here... and for all you know she might actually have something to say" I tried my best to not sound bitchy but I just couldn't help it. I knew what Rachel had to talk to us about but Brooke didn't, so it was that much harder for me to get my point across without being a bitch.
"I actually came to talk to you guys about the way I've been acting and about everything with Jake. It's just like I told Haley... I'm not the most open person in the world. I would rather bottle my emotions up and never speak of them, but it seems thats not the smartest thing to do. I really do like Jake and I just want you two to know that I would never intentionally hurt him. I was just scared to be myself around you guys and my way of dealing with it was to be a bitch and make it seem like I didn't care when I really did. I would really like it if we could possibly be friends and if not at least be civil with each other."
Rachel finished talking and looked between Brooke and I expecting some sort of answer or reply. Nothing. Brooke was in to much shock to talk and I was in a whole other world. I looked over at Brooke and saw her famous look... the "I don't care what you have to say" look. I knew she was about to say something smart and stupid to Rachel so I cut in before she could.
"I'm glad you talked to us Rachel. It's good to know that Jake has someone now. He likes you a lot so if you hurt him in anyone its your ass." I wasn't trying to be mean but she needed to know what would happen if she hurt him in any way.
She looked over at Brooke for some sort of reaction but all she got was a semi real smile and a nod of the head. If Brooke would have said what she really wanted to she would have shocked herself and everyone else and she didn't need to do that.
"So we're all good now?" Rachel asked cautiously
"Yea" I held out my hand and called a truce as did Brooke. Rachel walked off leaving one very baffled Brooke and one extremely emotionally drained me.
END FLASHBACK
So everything seemed to be back on track now. I had my friends back... most of my life, but theres still something missing and I can't quite place my finger on what it is.
I had gained a couple of new friends through this whole ordeal. I gained Lucas and a couple of his buddies that would do anything to protect me. I've been around them when I get my flashbacks and they comfort me without making me uncomfortable and scared which is a first. When Nathan would try and comfort me all I would do was run as far away as I could and block out everything.
My memories of the hell I went through aren't flashing before my eyes every time I turn around any more. There still there, but I've learned how to control them. As long as I'm not kissing any guys I'm alright. Every time I get around a guy and hugged them or anything its like it triggered those nightmares that are my flashbacks.
Every day that goes by seems to get better and better. I'm not as happy as I was before everything happened but I'm finding my way back there... slowly but surely I'll be back there. With the help of every one around me it's only making it easier.
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I'm so sorry for the delay on this chapter! I have been so busy with work! Plus I've been hanging out with one of my buddies as much as possible because he's leaving town. Well he left on Tuesday so I finally had time to work on my stories! I hope you all like this chapter! It turned out better than I thought it would! Sry no Lucas in this chapter... he will start playing a bigger role in most of the chapters to come!
LOVE SHELL!
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