Chapter 15 – My truth
"Where are you taking me Peyton?" Brandy asked me from the front seat of my car. "We've been driving for hours and I'm so tired of listening to this moody rock you just love some much"
I couldn't help but giggle. She was more like a pop princess while I was the moody rocker. We were polar opposites in so many ways but we were alike in more ways. She knows me better than most and she never judges me or the things I do. That's why I love her so much. Even back in Tree Hill my friends would judge me or the things I did. Not intentionally, but they did it.
"We're going somewhere special. I just..." I breathed out a sigh as I thought of how to explain this situation to her. "I just need to be sure of some things... that's all."
Brandy looked at me quizically and I just stared at the road hoping she wouldn't try and dig deeper. "What do you mean you need to be sure of some things?"
She never was one to let things go that easily. "Please don't ask any questions... I really can't answer them right now." I replied knowing she'd hate my answer, but it was the best I could do.
"Well you better get talking Miss Thang. You've had me sitting in this car for 10 hours now and all I know is you need to find out some things. That and we've just entered North Carolina."
I looked over at her and simply smiled. She just figured it out.
"Wait a second..." She started as the wheels started spinning in her head. "You're not taking me where I think you're taking me are you?"
BINGO!! I couldn't help but laugh. She never was one to pick up on things right away.
"Yes... I'm taking you back to my hometown." I looked back at the road with only a slight smile left on my face. Sure... I wasn't completely ready to be here but I had to know what the friends I left are doing now.
"But I thought you didn't want to come back here. It held to many bad memories for you."
I flinched at the thought. I decided it was time to tell her about the letters. Better she know now versus having to find out later.
"It does hold bad memories." I took in a deep breath before continuing "But I wrote 3 letters a couple weeks ago to the people that meant everything to me. I just need to know they're okay and that they're happy you know." I looked at her trying to get an answer.
"No I don't know." She stated plainly. "You just told me you left because you needed to get away form them. That they were the reason you couldn't get the help you needed"
"Well yea... that... and I knew if I stayed I wouldn't be Peyton again. I'd still be the girl that was kidnapped and raped and I didn't want that. They treated me like some piece of glass that could shatter at any given moment and all that did was make the situation I was in worse."
"So then why write to them?"
What a question that was. I wasn't even sure why I wrote to them. I just felt like it was a good idea to let them know why I left.
"Because they needed to know why I had to do it. Why I had to leave them and not speak to them for an entire year. They deserve that much. They probably won't even speak to me while I'm there, but I need to know how they're doing. It would make me feel better."
"What did the letters say then? Was it that bad?"
I sat there and thought about the letters I had written just mere weeks ago. They weren't bad at all... more like telling them the pain I truly felt that I didn't tell them while I was there.
That was the hardest thing I have done to date. Writing down exactly how you feel about a given situation has never been easy for me. I'd just rather it be all bottled up inside me never to be let out into the world. But I couldn't do that to them anymore. They deserved to know. The main letter I was focusing on was Lucas'. His was the hardest one to write. Brooke and Haley's came naturally, but trying to tell Lucas how I truly felt about him was harder than I could have ever imagined.
He held the small envelope firmly in his hands as he slowly got into his truck. Looking down at the handwriting he knew immediately who it belonged to. But why now? He closed his eyes tightly and took in a slow, deep breath. Thinking hard about whether or not he should in fact open this small item he held so tightly in his hand. On one hand... He wanted to know what she had to say. He wanted to know how she was doing and if she was okay. But on the other hand... He doesn't want to know any of it. Not why she left or how she's doing or even if she was even sorry for just up and leaving.
Sliding his index finger slowly along the seal of the envelope he opened up her letter. Gently pulling out the piece of paper as if it would somehow break he slowly began to read.
"Dear Lucas,
I know your mind is probably reeling with questions about this letter and whether or not you should in fact read it. The choice is yours, but I hope you do. If you choose not to I completely understand.
There's so many things that I want to say to you, but I just can't seem to find the right words to help you understand. I can sit here all day and say to myself everything I want to tell you and everything I want you to know, but as soon as my pen touches the paper I just can't seem to make the words come out right. Here's the best I can do.
I never meant to hurt you when I left. I never meant to hurt anyone for that matter. I just needed to get out of Tree Hill and sort things out. There's so many good memories that I had there, but the bad just seems to outweigh the good right now. You know more than anyone the pain I felt everyday I was there after what happened so I'm hoping that you knowing that makes you understand this even more.
My head just wasn't in the right place. I couldn't let anyone in, including you. I wanted to. I really did, but I just couldn't get my head out of that place. Every time I closed my eyes they were there. Every time you touched me I saw them. I just couldn't deal with that. It was too much for me. Getting away from the things that made me remember those thoughts just seemed like the best option.
I know you probably don't understand right now, but I still needed you to know. I did love you. God knows I did. You're the reason I'm still alive and I owe so much to you because of that. You're truly the best guy that will ever cross my path and I'm sorry I messed that up. I hope one day that you'll forgive me.
I'm so sorry that I never returned a call or a text from you. I didn't want to risk being found. This past year has changed me so much and made me become a better person. Getting away from it all is what made that happen. So if anyone was to find me I wouldn't have been able to help myself. Do you at least see my point in this? I really hope you do.
One day I will come back to see all of you, and I hope there's not too many hard feelings there. Take care of Brooke and Haley for me!! I love you to pieces and I'll never stop.
Love Always
"Peyt"
Closing up the little piece of paper he slowly let a tear slide down his cheek. Why did everything have to be so complicated? Why did he have to lose the one girl he truly loved? All these questions and not one answer. He had to see her, but where would he start. The letter was postmarked from Ga, but he knew Peyton to well. If she didn't want to be found, she wasn't going to be found. She may not be in Ga but she's somewhere around there. He just knew it, and he was gonna find out.
"Are we almost there yet?" Brandy whined from the front seat of my car.
"Yes ma'am!!" Her face lit up at the sound of being close. "We're just outside of Tree Hill now"
"Thank you lord!!" She said dramatically "I'm starving... gotta any good places to eat in this town?"
I thought to myself for a second. There was a couple good places to eat in Tree Hill, but none of them were places I needed to be seen in. "I can take you somewhere to eat, but I can't stay"
"What? Why?" She asked
"Because I don't want to risk being recognized. This trip is for me to observe without being seen."
"Oh look at you James Bond... trying to be all sneaky and shit."
I couldn't help but giggle. "That's Mrs. Bond to you my dear"
"Oh whatever" She said through a hearty laugh. "You're so retarded"
"I get it from you"
"UH!! I'm hurt?" She said holding her right hand to her head and her left over her heart.
"The truth usually does that to a person." I laughed
"HEY!!"
"Look... we're here!" I said pointing to the welcome sign for Tree Hill.
"Finally... FOOD!!"
"You sound like a child"
"So what... You've had me in this car for near bout 15 hours... you lost the right to complain about my child like behavior over 10 hours ago." She said crossing her arms over her chest.
"Fine... I'm taking you to food right now"
Just a few short minutes later we arrived at Karen's Cafe. It still looked the same and I'm glad. It looked as if Lucas was here to which meant I had to do a drop and run. Not one of my better moves but it needs to be done.
"Ok... You have to get out now. He's here and I can't have him notice me. So I'll pick you up in say..." I looked down at my watch before finishing. "45 minutes. That should give you enough time to eat and relax while I find a hotel room for the night."
She looked at me with sad eyes and I could tell what she was thinking. "Just go B... I'll be fine. Just do me a favor and get me a Cheeseburger all the way. No tomatoes and an order of Cheese sticks with extra marinara sauce."
"Ok girl. You be careful. I'll see you in 45" With that she exited my car and walked into the cafe. I sat there until I saw her reach the counter and Lucas approach her to take her order. He looked so handsome. His hair was a bit longer than when I left and he had one hell of a five o'clock shadow going, but he still seemed to make my heart flutter even after all this time. Just looking at him was killing me. I left just moments later and headed towards Tree Hill Inn to get a room for the night.
It was no Ritz Carlton but it'll do. 2 beds sat across from each other covering up old, dingy brown carpet. A tv sat in the middle of the room on a small table connected to an even smaller dresser. The shower smelled of eggs and the floor was sticky, but I guess it beats sleeping in the car.
Before I knew it 45 min had come and gone and I was late picking up Brandy. Doesn't look like she noticed though, considering she had Lucas keeping her company. I pulled the hood over my head to cover up my blonde curls as I lightly tapped on the horn to get her attention.
They both looked over in my direction and I could tell she got a little nervous. A small smile crept up on Lucas' face as he slowly waved in my direction. Standing up he led Brandy to the door and walked her out. I thought I was gonna pass out right there. Not even in town an hour and I'm about to be noticed. To my luck he stopped at the curb and waved goodbye to Brandy as she quickly jumped in the car as we sped off for the motel.
Silence overtook the old black mustang as we drove slowly down Main St. Both of us thinking quietly to ourselves about the events that had just taken place. I was almost seen by the one person I truly can't have recognize me. I slam my fist into the steering wheel as I pull the car off the road.
The tears begin to fall as Brandy looks sadly over at me and gently rubs my back.
"What's wrong Peyton?" She asks me her voice just above a whisper.
"I can't do this B..." I lift my now red eyes to meet her gaze. "I can't be here. All those damn memories are flooding my head again." I punch the steering wheel again as I bury my head into the open hole. "He hasn't changed a bit since I've been gone. Those damn butterflies are still there and I didn't even talk to him."
I look back over at her just in time to see a small smile creep upon her face. "What are you smiling for?" I ask with a hint of attitude. "This is not a funny situation in the slightest!"
"You're not the only one thinking of the past P"
I look at her with wide eyes and an open mind. "What are you talking about?"
"The whole time I was there... He talked to me about this girl who broke his heart and he just can't seem to get over her."
A smile tugged at my lips as she began telling me the rest of her night with Lucas. "You see this girl left him a year ago without so much as a goodbye and until now he had heard nothing from his long lost love." My smile began to broaden as I choked on my tears. "Now that he's heard from her he just can't get her off his mind. The way she smelled or the way her curls bounced when she walked... or the way a smile would creep upon her face at the slightest words he would say to her."
Immediately my tears began to fall yet again as I thought of the disappointment I must have brought him. This lost little girl who couldn't find her way. The girl who used to be so strong that just gave up on the world because she couldn't get over the bad things that had happened to her.
"He still loves you P... He never stopped. It's so obvious by the way he talked about you."
My eyes fell downward as she gently rubbed my back again. "You need to go talk to him Peyton. He deserves that much."
"What did you say to him?" I asked
"What?" Her head cocked to the side as I urged her on. "I told him to just stick it out. If this girl truly loved him the way he said she did, she'd come back to him when she felt the time was right."
"Brandy!" She gave me a smug look and I couldn't help but smile. "You shouldn't have told him that. I didn't come here to actually talk to him I just wanted to see him."
"You can't lie to me girl. You should know that by now. I can read you like an open book... and he can as well." I smacked her arm as I felt my cheeks turn 3 shades of red. He still had that affect on me. What a shocker that was.
"Go talk to him. Go see for yourself how he's doing."
My gaze turned back to the road as I put my car in drive. "I can't" I headed back to the motel to take a much needed rest. This was too much too fast, but she had a point... I have to talk to him and see how he is for myself. But not before I talked to Brooke and Haley first.
I wheeled the car back around and headed for Brookes house. I just had a feeling that she and Haley would both be there. Talking about my letters more than likely. Why not show them myself what I truly meant in those letters.
Would ya look at that... I updated and it didn't take me a year!! WOOHOO!! Go me!! I hope ya'll liked it!! It's not the longest chapter but I think it fits in with the story right. Moving slowly, but the next chapter is the key turning point. I think I'll add maybe 3 or 4 more chapters and then call it quits with this story!! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!!! And if theres anything you would like to see happen please let me know... any help is good help at this point. OH and I'm actually in desperate need of a BETA so if you know one or you are one and are interested in being a huge help to this hopeless writer... please let me know!!
MUCH LOVE!! SHELL