I've got to say that I was pretty nervous at first about posting a story on the internet, but I'm really glad that I did. I've had nothing but positive feedback, including a few really helpful tips. This chapter was harder for me to write, maybe because it's so bloody cold here in Manitoba right now. I'm writing this with the aid of a scarf, sweater, gloves, and some very hot chocolate. Brrr.
If anybody's wondering where the title of the chapter came from, it's part of a quote of Albert Einstein (which I don't own, by the way) that goes as follows: "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
I really liked this quote and I thought it suited the chapter.
Anyways, thanks again for reading everybody, and especially for reviewing!! Please keep it up guys!
Chapter Two. Her Eyes Are Closed.
Why, why whywhywhy WHY did you do that!?? You idiot. You moron. You couldn't just be embarassed and let Star rescue you. You had to be a show off. You had to be an idiot stupid moron idiot moron. Stupid jerk. Idiot.
As soon as Star had released him, he'd felt a pang of regret at his decision. Beast Boy had never intended for the Titans to see him fight as a human. He had never expected to have to. He'd sworn never to let them find out about-well anything really. They'd found out more than he'd wanted them to when they were forced to fight the Brotherhood of Evil alongside the Doom Patrol. Now they would have to find out more. There was no way they'd just let this go. There'd be questions, and he'd have to answer them.
All of his worries had vanished the instant that he had come in contact with Cinderblock. It had been years since he had last trained for hand to hand combat, and he was unsure of his ability to take on Cinderblock, but he at least had to try. As soon as he began combat, muscles he'd forgotten existed tightened reflexivly, moves that he'd practiced hundreds of times came back to him with an ease that surprised him. This was natural, this was what he was made for. This was the ability that he'd been born with. Given the choice, he'd always fight as an animal, but the choice was no longer his. If he wanted to help his friends, he'd have to rely on skills that he'd been perfecting since he was a small child living in Africa.
Now he stood beside the prone form of Cinderblock, berating himself for his foolish choice. He didn't have to do it. If Starfire had joined the fray, the four remaining Titans could have easily taken their opponent down.
Oh well. He'd done it. There was nothing he could do to change that fact. He'd just have to face his friends, and it looked like he'd have to face them soon. They had been watching him from a distance during the whole fight, he knew that. They were still just watching him. What would they say? Beast Boy hung his head, trying to avoid looking at them and kicked at the dusty ground.
As he waited for them to approach, he did a quick assessment of his injuries. His left shoulder was throbbing from when Star had caught him. Rolling it back cautiously to determine the extent of the damage, he guessed that he had been lucky and just strained the muscle, rather than dislocate his shoulder. His forearms and hands were slightly numb from his fight with Cinderblock, but other than that, the only thing wrong with him was the fact that he was out of breath.
I guess I've gotten pretty out of shape, he thought, remembering how many hours he used to train to be able to do what he had just done.
Far above him, Starfire was singing what was supposed to be a joyous Tamaranian victory song, which sounded more like the death throes of a buffalo. The other three had started walking towards him and his fallen foe, similar looks of incredulity on their faces.
Suddenly he felt a second wave of dizziness wash over him. This time, with nothing near to support him, he fell to his hands and knees and pressed his forehead to the ground to wait out the nausea. His head was pounding and it felt like his brain was made of liquid. It seemed like his stomach was trying to crawl up his throat, and a loud buzzing in his ears drowned out all other sounds. He didn't hear his teammates shouting his name.
Starfire was the first one there, gentle hands pulling him to his feet. As she lifted him, the dizziness faded as swiftly as it had come to him, leaving him alone to face four very concerned friends.
"You are damaged Beast Boy?" Star asked him, still supporting him with one arm. He shook her off, trying his best to act nonchalant.
"I'm fine," he said meekly.
Four sets of raised eyebrows were his only answer to that.
"Seriously, I'm fine," he said more forcefully this time, "I just-uh, tripped. On that rock over-um, well it's, uh it's gone...now, it's gone. Yeah. I tripped over it. I'm fine."
Four sets of eyebrows were dangerously close to disappearing forever from thier owners' faces.
"I'm fine," he repeated for a third time, hoping that they'd believe him, "Totally undamaged, Star." He jokingly flexed his biceps to prove the point.
"Your hand's cut," Raven pointed to his left hand. Beast Boy hadn't noticed that the glove had been torn to shreds, and the knuckles were raw and bloody. Raven reached out to heal them, but he jerked his hand away from her, hiding it behind his back.
"It's fine. Don't worry about it," he spoke through clenched teeth. Normally he would have let her heal the injury, but there was a reason he wore gloves. He didn't want anybody to see...
"It's not a big deal. I can heal your hand," Raven said, and a blue light began to shine from her fingertips. She sounded more emotionless than usual, if that was possible.
"I said don't worry about it. Can we please just go home?" Beast Boy snapped.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Robin interupted, "You can't just-do that," he indicated Cinderblock's fallen form, "and expect us not to notice. That was amazing, Beast Boy."
"Oh, I agree," Starfire proclaimed happily, "Never before have I witnessed such a magnificent display of combat, not even from the Warlords of Okaara!" She was positively beaming, and seeing that Beast Boy was not harmed, scooped him up in a bone-crushing hug.
"Where did you learn how to do that?" Robin asked as Starfire set the green (now slightly blue from lack of air) Titan back on the ground.
"Can we just go home? Please?" Beast Boy avoided the question, mentally adding bruised ribs to his list of injuries. He met his leader's eyes, pleading silently. Robin nodded, dropping the subject in an unspoken agreement.
"Cyborg, alert the police that we have a criminal for them to apprehend at the quarry. Raven, Starfie, tie him down, we don't want him waking up and attacking again. Beast Boy, you and I will take a look through the mines. I doubt it, but somebody could be down there. Then we're going home," Robin directed, and after a moments hesitation, the Titans set off to complete the tasks that had been set to them.
It had all been done within fifteen minutes. By the time Beast Boy and Robin had returned from the mineshaft, the police were already there, and the Titans headed home.
Once more, Raven found herself deep in thought as she flew alongside Star through Jump City. Over and over, she pictured Beast Boy falling to the ground after the fight. Over and over, she remembered how her heart stopped for an instant, how her breath caught in her throat, how her entire body froze and her mind went numb.
Why?
Why did she feel in that instant as though she would burst, as though she would dissolve, as though she would be torn apart? Why had she felt more in that moment than she had in her entire life?
She tried to recall exactly what she'd been thinking. Had she thought that he was injured from the battle with Cinderblock? Had she thought that he was...dead?
No. She couldn't have.
Maybe she had. For that one split second, perhaps she had thought that she was losing a friend, a fellow Titan. That was why she'd been so upset. She would have been that upset if she'd thought that Robin was dead. Or Starfire, or Cyborg.
That was the reason. That was the reason that for an instant, she had become unguarded. The reason that for one moment, the veil had been lifted completely, and the color behind it had very nearly swept her away.
When she'd replaced the veil, it was even stronger than before. She couldn't afford to ever let that happen, couldn't let herself feel that much ever again. She had barely kept her powers from destroying everything around her as it was. If it happened again...she didn't know what would happen. She would never let herself find out.
Robin and Cyborg had both broken into a run before Beast Boy had hit the ground. Seconds after he had, Starfire had gently lifted him to his feet and all of the Titans had surrounded them. As Beast Boy had explained to them about tripping over a rock or some nonsense, Raven had felt the same cold fear emanating from him as before.
But there was something else this time. The burning, painful emotion was akin to shame, Raven thought. Now, soaring above the T-Car, she wondered if he was embarrassed at what he had done. And if he was, why? Why would he be ashamed of the fact that he was the best fighter any of the Titans had ever seen? Why hadn't he ever fought like that before?
Then there was the fact that he hadn't let her heal his hand. He'd pulled it away as though her touch would burn him. She'd healed him plenty of times before, what was so different about this time?
What was he hiding?
As soon as they returned to the tower, Beast Boy retreated to his room. He sat at his desk for a long time, ignoring all of the knocks on his door.
First Robin rapped on the door, asking if Beast Boy wanted to train with him. Beast Boy ignored him until he heard the masked Titan walking quietly away. Then it was Cyborg who was pounding on his door, demanding an explanation for his sudden warrior status. Cyborg lasted much longer then Robin had, talking at him for a good ten minutes before giving up and stomping off. Not even five minutes later, Starfire was tapping softly at the door, politely inquiring as to his well being. Beast Boy had the feeling that they were taking turns trying to get him to leave his room. He ignored her too, even when the light tapping became steadily louder until his entire room was shaking with the force of it. Finally he heard her sigh and walk away.
Wondering if Raven would take a turn to try and coaxe him into talking, he waited to hear her voice coming through the walls of his room. After half an hour, he decided that he didn't care. He needed to think.
His powers weren't working. This could only mean one thing. It was time. He didn't have very long. He'd known for a long time that this would eventually happen, but he'd hoped...
Flopping onto his bed, Beast Boy let out a great sigh. This couldn't be happening, not yet. He needed more time. There were things he hadn't done yet. Things that he needed to do. He had almost forgotten about...it. He'd almost tricked himself into believing that it had gone away. Even knowing that it would always be inside of him, he'd never imagined that it would happen so soon.
He could feel himself starting to panic. The old fear began to well up inside him, coming from a place that he'd long ago pushed aside. He was aware that his heart was pounding faster by the second. Trying to calm himself down, he closed his eyes, took a deep breath and held it for a minute.
When he opened his eyes and looked down, he saw that his arms had become the front legs of a green tiger. He glared down at his paws, willing them to become hands. After what seemed like forever, they slowly reverted to their natural shape. Hoping that he wouldn't have anymore unwanted transformations, he studied his now normal arms. He hadn't yet replaced the glove on his left hand, and he stared at the scars that riddled his palm. The skin was mottled and twisted, ugly to look at. Taking the glove off of his right hand, he ran his fingertips over the knotted skin of that palm. Blinking back tears and fighting back memories, Beast Boy fished through a pile of clothing under his bed for a replacement pair of gloves.
I can't let them see me like this. I can't let her see me like this, he thought to himself.
"This can't be happening now," he whispered softly, and a single tear found its way onto his cheek, "I need more time."
The Most Beautiful Thing.
"I think he just wants us to leave him alone," Raven said dryly as Starfire came back into the common area and sprawled on the couch looking dejected. Because she could feel his emotions so intensly, Raven in fact knew that Beast Boy wanted to be left alone. She'd told the rest of them as much when they had started trying to lure him out of his room.
"But something is wrong with him Raven," Cyborg insisted again, "There was no rock. He didn't trip over anything. He lied to us. There is definitely something going on with the little dude. And where in the name of all that's holy did he learn to fight like that?"
Raven knew that Cyborg meant well. Beast Boy was his best friend after all, but she knew that the best thing that any of the Titans could do right now would be to let him calm down for a while. She could sense him struggling to gain control of his emotions, fighting desperately against the fear, against the coldness.
She could feel his fire growing, sending heat through her whole body, all the way from his bedroom. The battle going on inside of him right now was greater than any he had fought today. There was definitely something wrong with him, something that he didn't want the rest of them to know about, and Raven could respect that.
Turning her attention back to the conversation at hand, Raven saw that the topic had changed to Beast Boy's stunning display of ability against Cinderblock.
"I just don't understand why he would feel that he had to hide that from us," Robin pondered aloud, clearly puzzled by why anyone would deny such natural talent, "I mean, he is the most gifted fighter I've ever seen."
"Yeah," Cyborg nodded, still stupefied, "The real question is, where the bloody hell did he learn to fight like that?!"
"I too am curious to know where friend Beast Boy aquired such wondrous skills," proclaimed Starfire, still a little upset by the fact that Beast Boy hadn't said a word to her while she was denting his very heavy steel door.
As the other three Titans continued to discuss the day's events, Raven got up and left the room. She needed to go somewhere quiet, she needed to get away from Beast Boy and his emotions. She couldn't take much more of this, she was starting to lose control, could feel herself slipping.
A few minutes later, a dark figure emerged onto the roof of the Titans Tower. Lifting her legs off of the ground and crossing them, she began to meditate, replacing her usual mantra with silence. She needed to think, but couldn't without first clearing her head of Beast Boy's residual emotions. Concentrating on exactly what he was feeling, she began to push him away. She pushed away his fear, his shame, his sadness, his fire. She sifted through everything he was feeling, until she stumbled across something entirely unexpected.
Desire. He wanted something...no, he wanted somebody. He craved companionship. How had she missed that? How could she have thought just a few minutes ago that he wanted to be alone? She examined the feeling closer, realizing that he hadn't wanted companionship a few minutes ago. Something had changed.
Abandoning her attempt at meditation, she silently made her way towards Beast Boy's room, unnoticed by the other three Titans. Standing outside his door, Raven debated whether or not she was the right person to talk to him right now. Cyborg or Starfire would be far better people to cheer him up. Hell, Robin would do a better job than she would.
She was about to knock when she heard his voice coming from inside.
"This can't be happening now. I need more time." There was a slight waver to his voice, as though he'd been crying. Raven was taken aback. She hadn't expected him to be this upset. It was just a stupid fight. So what if he had been hiding an extraordinary talent? The rest of them weren't mad at him.
"Ok, um, I'll just go," she stammered, embarrassed at having caught him at such a vulnerable moment, "Uh, sorry."
As she turned around, she heard the door open behind her.
"Raven?"
She turned back to see him standing in the doorway, leaning slightly against the frame.
"I'm sorry Gar, I didn't mean to-you know. I'll just leave. Sorry," she apologized again, surprising them both by using his real name.
"No, you don't have to," he reached and touched her shoulder as she turned away again, "I mean, well, uh...I'd like you to stay. For a minute." Raven felt a tingling where he had touched her, and stayed.
"I thought...you said that you needed more time. I just figured that you wanted me to leave you alone for a while longer." Beast Boy was quiet for a moment, and then looked directly into her eyes.
Nobody had ever looked at her like that, so seriously, so intensly. She shivered slightly, looking back at him, seeing him as if for the first time. His green eyes glittered with traces of the tears that he had moments before been fighting back. There was so much more behind them than she'd ever given him credit for. She was aware of an uncertainty that hung about him. She could tell that he desperately wanted to say something to her, but was trying to decide if he should.
"No Rae, I'm glad you came. I actually wanted-well I wanted to tell you..." he paused for what seemed like an eternity.
"What?" she prompted him gently. Was he blushing?
"Raven, I uh...just wanted to say goodb-good night. Good night," he said again, almost choking on the words. Before she could wonder why he would make such a big deal out of such a small statement, his arms were wrapped around her, hugging her with all his might. Surprised, it took her a moment to register what was happening, but once she had, she returned the embrace, holding him close to her body. He felt so small at that moment, his face buried in her hair. He was trembling, and so didn't notice that she was too. Tightening her grip on him to steady herself, she wished that she knew exactly what was going on. Beast Boy held onto her like he never wanted to let go, just as she had held onto him once, after Malchior had used her and broken her heart. This time, she was the one to pull away.
"Is there anything you need to talk about?" she asked him, still slightly shaken by how fiercely he had held onto her, as though his life depended on it. He shook his head sadly.
"No. I just want you to know...you're one of the greatest people I've ever met. I could never have wished for a better friend. Thank you," he murmered softly.
"For what?"
"For being you. For being my friend. For everything. Just-thanks," whispered the green youth, turning slowly away and stepping back into his room.
"You're...welcome, I guess. Good night, Gar," Raven said in her most comforting voice, confused by his words and his actions. The last thing she saw of him before the door closed was a weak smile, a reflection of his usually wide grin. She walked away with much to think about.
Had she stayed, she would have heard a soft whisper on the other side of a very heavy, recently dented steel door.
"Goodbye Rachel."
His Eyes Are Closed.
Raven couldn't believe herself. How could you let one stupid hug affect you like that? Didn't you just swear TODAY that you wouldn't let yourself slip like that again??? You could have killed somebody. The second that Beast Boy had touched her, she'd felt the color bursting through again. So much life, so much joy and sorrow and fear and relief, all at once, so vibrant and real. So dangerous. Never again. But she'd said that once already today.
She knew what she had to do, knew that she had to envelope herself in the greyness again. She also knew that she didn't really want to. She loved the color, loved the feelings, loved...
The veil had to be replaced. Had to be mended.
Wandering around the tower aimlessly, she found herself once again on top of the tower. She hadn't realized that the sun was already setting. The brilliant colors reflecting off of the clouds and the water seemed to be mocking her, flaunting their beauty at her, tempting her to let them in. To let her own color out.
She stood there for some time, watching the day's light fade away. As the silver light of the moon washed over her still figure, she tried to gain control of the chaos that was inside of her.
A long time had passed, she didn't know how long, when Cyborg came onto the roof to stand beside her.
"You ok?" he asked, gazing up at the full moon, red eye glowing in the night. Raven nodded.
"No," she admitted after a minute, "I'm not ok. Something's going on, and I have no way to control it. I'm lost in the dark Cyborg, and I don't know what to do." Cyborg glanced at her, surprised that she had actually opened up to him. The two stood in pensieve silence, each lost in their own thoughts.
Suddenly Raven was blown away by a blast of the now familiar cold fear that could only be Beast Boy's. Nothing she had ever felt from him had been this strong. She fell to her knees and put her hands to her head, trying to maintain control of her powers.
"Raven! Raven, what's going on?" Cyborg shouted. Everything on the roof of the tower was covered by dark energy. When Raven didn't answer, Cyborg immediately called Robin on his communicator.
"Robin, get your ass up here, there's something seriously wrong with Raven! Bring Star too," he added as an afterthought.
"We're on our way."
Raven wanted to scream at them. She didn't need help, Beast Boy did! His fear had become an all consuming terror, cold as ice, penetrating through him. There was more though. Emotions were barraging her in a seemingly endless attack. Anger, sorrow, regret, guilt, it was too much, all at once. She couldn't take much more of this. Her powers would soon take over. She could destroy the entire tower if he didn't calm down.
With nowhere else to turn for help, she looked to the same place that her anguish was coming from. She reached out for the fire that was her anchor, the fire that could save her from herself. It was there, and she had never been more happy to find it. She latched onto it, and as she did, it grew, it raged, it fought back the cold until it was only a memory. Finally, she was able to gain some control. The dark energy began to recede as his flame burned through her, giving her strength.
Then the energy was completely gone. Raven was in control once more.
She wanted to die.
The fear was gone.
"Raven, what happened?" Robin.
The ice, the cold was gone.
She choked back a sob.
"Please speak now Raven!" Starfire.
The anger, the sorrow, the regret, the guilt, was all gone.
"Raven, say something!" Cyborg shook her.
The Fire, the burning, the flame, the hope...was gone.
"RAVEN!!"
And in it's place, was something worse than the cold, worse than the loss of control.
There was nothing.
Nothing.
"Beast Boy," she sobbed, and ran to his room, followed by three Titans who had no idea what was going on.
Ok, cliffhanger, I know, but I'm going to say right now that the story isn't over. And I wouldn't even bother to write a Teen Titans story without Beast Boy in it, so don't fret!!