Chapter 30:
October 1, 1984- Seattle Washington
A little girl sat down on the bottom step of the staircase in her house. She was skinny and small, with beautiful golden brown hair, full of curls. There were tears rolling down her cheeks as she held on tightly to a ratty teddy bear and a stained blanket. There was a single piece of gray luggage sitting on the wooden floor before her. The front door was open, leading down to a world, unknown to her little mind. There were shouts coming from the second floor and she could hear something shatter. Every time the screams increased, her tears would follow as she buried her face in the soft security of the blanket.
It was a sunny day in Seattle, rare, especially this time of the year. She almost wished that the sun would go away. Sun was happy and no one here was happy. Her thoughts were interrupted by the large thudding footsteps coming down the stairs. The footsteps belonged to a man. He didn't have much muscle, but he wasn't scrawny and he seemed like a god to the little girl. He pushed passed her small body with a second piece of luggage in his hand. He didn't look down at her as he reached the first piece of luggage. He picked it up and walked out the door.
The little girl's eyes followed him every step of the way. He opened the trunk of his car and pushed both pieces of luggage inside quickly before slamming it shut. She could hear the shouts from upstairs end and quickly turn into raging tears. She looked up the stairs, wondering if she should do something. She looked back down at her small body and squeezed her teddy bear tightly, realizing that there was nothing she could do.
The front door opened again and she looked up from her bear and met the eyes of her father. His eyes were usually strong yet kind, but today they looked weak and angry. He looked in the depths of the little girl's eyes. All he could see was sadness, confusion, and helplessness. He sat down next to her, rubbing his hands together, searching for what to say. He knew he couldn't fix this. He also knew that today would change his daughter's life forever. He looked over at her again and saw that she had been watching him. He kissed her quickly on the forehead as a stray tear rolled down his cheek. He hugged her quickly before looking her square in the eye again, "I'll come back for you. I promise." He kissed her on the forehead again before getting up.
He had to leave, he didn't want to cause any more problems, and he couldn't fall apart in front of his daughter. She didn't deserve to see a grown man cry. He opened the door again and stopped to look back at the house. He'd only begun to raise his only child in that house and now he was leaving it. He forced himself to keep going, closing the glass door behind him and heading back to the car.
The little girl watched as her father descended down the steps in the front of the house for the last time. He got into his car and pulled out of the driveway. The little girl watched, until the car was completely gone. She looked back at her teddy bear. She'd been told that her father had given it to her the day she was born. She pulled it close to her heart as she wiped a tear with her blanket. She didn't know what was happening. All she did know was that it was bad and that she wasn't going to be seeing her father very much anymore. She had no idea that she wouldn't see her father again until she was more than grown up.
January 19, 2007- Seattle, Washington
Derek scrubbed out and headed down the hall, still searching for Meredith. It had been an extremely long drawn out surgery and it was beginning to get late. He walked through the quiet, dark halls of Seattle Grace with Meredith nowhere to be seen. And he couldn't figure out why no one would tell her where she was. He paged her a few times and called her again, but still no response. He was forced to check on a few patients before returning to her search over an hour later.
He was about to give up when he came across a small waiting area. She was sitting alone in the dark corner. There was a room across from her with the door open. She was fixated on the door, but it didn't seem as though she'd gone near it. He wanted to go see what she was doing, but for some unknown reason, he was almost afraid to approach her.
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street
She looked as though she was deep in thought and had been for a while. She was numb to the events happening around her. There was a chart in her lap and an empty coffee cup that had lost it's steam hours ago sitting next to her. Her face seemed to display no sign of emotion other than being tired. There was only the beeping of the machines coming from the room across the hall from her, but she was still fixated on it. She hadn't moved in the moments since Derek began to watch her.
She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place."
Derek casually walked up next to her and sat down in the empty seat on her left side. She handed her a cup of coffee, which she gladly took, never taking her eyes off of the room. Derek looked at her eyes and they didn't seem like they were focused on the room, even though they were facing that direction. It was as if they were lost in her own thoughts and memories.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
Meredith didn't look at Derek. She just opened her mouth to begin with a trembling voice, "He promised," she said barely above a whisper.
She could feel Derek sit up a little and place his hand on her thigh, but she didn't look. She stayed focused on the room that she was supposed to be in. Derek looked at her to response, "Mer? What are you talking about?"
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might
"He promised that he'd come back for me," Meredith said. Derek didn't understand. He kept looking at her with a concerned, loving look. She never actually saw his face, but she could picture it in her mind clearly, "Twenty-four years ago. He promised that he'd come back and he never did. Then I said that I would call him," she said referring to the man in the room, "I promised I would and then I didn't. That was seven months ago. I never did."
Derek looked at the chart sitting in her lap. It was printed clearly on the cover: Finn Dandridge. He wasn't sure who the first man she was talking about was, but he knew that now she was referring to Finn. She left with Derek after prom, but not before promising Finn that she'd talk to him and explain everything. But then she had gotten wrapped up in her relationship with Derek. And then she had left.
She says, "I pray
But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place."
Meredith stood up and turned around to look at Derek, "I was happy. I was happy in New York. I shouldn't have come back here. Everything here is bad. Everything here is complicated and I can't handle it. I just can't do it."
Derek was a little shocked by what she was saying. In her eyes all he could see was sadness, confusion, and helplessness. He was so confused himself. He didn't know what had really caused this melt down or how he could fix this.
There's loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
Meredith turned away and then looked back at Derek, "I'm going to go get a drink." She turned around and walked down the hall.
Derek didn't move. He began to realize why she drank. She drank to fill some emptiness within her that no one seemed to be able to fill. He remembered back to when they were beginning to date. She had begun to drink less and less, until Addison showed up that is. Then he remembered Cristina saying that she never drank in New York. It was as if Jacob or something in New York had filled that void in her.
There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage
But Derek, Derek knew what the alcohol really did for her. It was poison. It was her poison: the poison that she relied on more than anything else. She seemed to ignore the fact that with every shot, a little piece of her slowly died or got lost in the back of her mind. It was as if she almost wanted to do that. She wanted to feel numb. She wanted to kill every ambition, hope, and feeling that she ever had. Just be coming numb and apathetic.
But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world."
Meredith turned the corner and looked back. She was waiting for Derek. She wasn't sure if she actually wanted him to be around her, but she was certain that he would be. He always was. He was always there for her. At least it had seemed that way lately. She looked back once more. He hadn't moved and he didn't look like he was planning on it. Her facial expression didn't change. She just took a step closer towards her locker room, a step closer to her alcohol.
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
It breaks her heart
To grey
Derek finally came to his senses and got up. He looked in at Finn's room, but walked away. He checked in on a few more patients before he got changed into his normal clothes and headed across the street to Joe's. He walked into the bar and saw Joe. He looked around, but he didn't see Meredith.
"Hey there Dr. Shepherd," Joe said as he dried a shot glass.
"Hey, Joe. Have you seen Meredith?" Derek asked as he sat down on an empty bar stole.
"She was here about an hour ago. She drank the normal amount of tequila and tried to leave. I wouldn't let her drive, but she said she was just going to the park next door. I have her keys so she can't drive," Joe said lifting the keys out of his pocket.
Derek took the keys from Joe, "Thanks. I'm going to go find her."
I would rather be wine drunk
Than sober and clear
Under these streetlights
And glowing with you here
Meredith sat quietly under the moonlight on a bench. She could see lights from the bar and the busy hospital despite the time of night that it was. Her ears were full of sounds from the traffic, but she blocked them out as she tried to focus her drunken mind. She needed to think. She knew she did. The problem was she couldn't really remember how to think. That had to be hard to forget how to think. She just didn't feel like she could get a thought process going.
Her light, frail body swayed a little in the wind, but she didn't notice it. Only Derek did. His muscular body left a shadow on the gray sidewalk that she noticed before she actually had noticed his appearance. She knew he would have followed her. Granted it took him longer than she originally thought, she knew he would. It was Derek. It was what he did.
You are my little furnace,
You are my favorite song
Derek sat down next to her on the cute little bench that looked over the busy road. Meredith adjusted herself so that her head was resting against his chest and he grazed his fingertips between the golden locks of her hair. He could smell the fresh tequila on her lips and he tried to block the bitter stench of the thing that was dragging her down, but he couldn't.
And we're dancing in public
To the sounds of our town
To the traffic rolling down the I
Meredith's thoughts danced around her head. She imaged herself actually happy. Forgetting all of her past and just being with Derek. Just being with him like she was right now. Sometimes she wished that he would just kiss her without a care in the world. Without caring how she was going to react. He might not know it, but she couldn't resist his kiss. She began to realize that she was thinking again and then thought she needed some more tequila.
I would rather be wine drunk
Than sober and clear
She was going to get up. She was going to make herself go and get a few more shots of tequila. But then she felt Derek. She felt his arm wrapped around her tightly, keeping her warm. She felt his fingers caressing her hair. Whenever she felt him, she fell weak. She couldn't make a muscle in her body function. It could have been the tequila, but she began to think that it was just his touch. She couldn't leave him and she began to wonder how she ever did.
When we're together
In weather so dear
And the ending so near
And all I want right here
First song is Grey Street by Dave Matthews Band and the second is Rather by Wine Drunk by The City on Film