Chapter 3

'Up All Night'

I'm sitting in the Burrow's kitchen. At the other side of the table sits Fleur. Our heads rest in our palms, we're not looking at each other. I don't need to guess I know full well that with her inner eyes she's seeing the same thing I'm seeing…

Finally I look up and her eyes meet mine. Where is that confident, strong woman she usually shows herself to be? I can only see a scared little girl now with fear in her features this is the same fear that screams inside of me too: Where are they? What could take this long? Did they find him?... him…Mad-Eye. I get a slight twinge of pain… Mad-Eye…But my thoughts immediately return to my husband, I can mourn over the lost of my friend later.

I reach out for Fleur's hand I squeeze it lightly I try to say something like "Don't worry!" or "They gonna be all right" but how could I it even I don't believe them to be true.

There's silence. Nothing disturbs our vigil. I don't like this bloody silence, I want to scream, to cry out in my anguish. I want lightning and thunder. I want the weather to reflect my own fears.

Suddenly we hear to loud pops outside. Both Fleur and I jump on our feet and nearly falling over each other we run for the door. But before we can reach it, it opens up. I can hear Fleur cry "Thank Merlin!"-s but after Remus's arms close around me all I can see is him, all I can hear is the beat of his heart and all I can feel is his tight embrace. I clung to him desperately, it's the second time tonight that I get him back alive and in one piece. There's no more "what if" in my mind there's nothing left just the certainty of his being all right. And that's enough and that's all I want right now.

Later they just shake their heads when we ask if they've found Mad-Eye's body. So that's it we can do nothing… nothing to pay the last to him. We leave a short note on the table to let the others know what had happen, or rather what had not happen, say goodbye and go home at least.

We just stay standing still in the middle of the living room when I feel my knees are not trembling I break apart he tries to lead me to the sofa but I'm not moving. The relief I felt in the Burrow has vanished and replaced by pain, sorrow and anger. I've lost another friend, one of the best friends I've ever got. I go to the cupboard and draw out one of the drawers and take out a photo.

'I found this when I was packing. Don't think you've seen it. Look.' I hand it to him. The photos of me and Mad-Eye. 'Just after my passing out, ' I explain to him 'when I become and Auror. The only one picture about the two of us.' I add quietly.

I love this photo. I'm wearing my brand-new Auror- robes Mad-Eye's beside me, his hand on my shoulder.

'He looks so proud of you' Remus says.

'He was. He always was.' I reach out my hand and he gives it back to me. 'He was proud of me. He taught me everything he thought to be essential: "constant vigilance!" and "there are things worth dying for", "keep your wand out of your pocket" and he also thought me how to drink. 'I give a little laugh' He used to say I can't be a proper Auror without knowing it.' I pace up and down in the room.' We've spend a lots of evening it pubs. He was weird enough without drinking but when he was pissed… ah you can't imagine.'

'He used to be married' I carry on 'did you know? His wife died very young. Just a few people knew. His closest friends.' I sight. He's my fiend… he was my friend' correct myself.

I was allowed to call him Mad-Eye while the others in my year weren't. I could have provoke him and impertinent him and he was never angry with me… though he acted as he was but I always knew he's not.

'He was beside me at my training and after that. He was looking after me at the Ministry and tried to protect me if he could. My friend and mentor. And I love him… shit I can't talk about him in past tense, he is so real to me, he is so alive in my memories I can't… I just can't believe…'

I look at Remus and he looks back at me. I see in his eyes that he wants to comfort me somehow and he knows that he can't. There is no cure for pain like this. But it helps that he's here with me and when I sit down beside me he doesn't start that "I know it hurts but life goes on." rubbish. And for that I'm grateful. His gaze encourages me to let on. I thought it stupid that talking makes things better but as I'm talking now I feel that a part of my pain leaves me and I can breath a little easier. 'How could it be he? He was so brave, so powerful. He survived every tight spots, and the first war against Voldemot. How could fate be so cruel?'

'It's nothing to do with fate,' Remus say in an assertive voice 'but a lot to do with decision. It was his decision. He could have laid down but he didn't. He chose fighting and he took the risk of death when he did so. There's no fate, no fortune and no predestination. Just free will.' His gaze is stern now.' And that he got the worst of it against Voldemort does not mean that you should think any less of him.' I nod and lay my head on his chest, my eyes start to close.

'You look like as if you need some sleep, sweetheart' he smiles at me.

'Yeah but I can't' I say. 'Please could you just leave me alone for the night? I've to mourn for him, you know.'

'O' course darling.' he kisses my forehead and leaves the room.

'Thank you for… everything' I call after him. And by the light of the candles I start my all-night vigil for my friend…