Chapter 69:

"Well," Burke said looking at the chest x-rays, "I'm not going to lie to you, Derek, it doesn't look good."

Derek felt Meredith's grip tighten on his hand. He felt like it was complete déjà vu. "How bad is it, Preston?"

Burke placed the x-ray down and walked over to his friends. He'd known them for more than twenty years and they were practically family. He'd been at their wedding and vice versa. He didn't want to have to be the one to do this. Not again. "Derek, you pulled through last time when no one that you could. You can do it again."

The words slowly cut through Derek's mind, but they hit Meredith instantly. He felt her curl up to him and cry. Her tears melted into his clothes, but his brain didn't process anything. He was still trying to process the fact that he ever had cancer to begin with and fought it. But now, now he has it again.

"Derek, we will have to try a different type of chemotherapy this time. It will be much more rigorous and you'll have to chance losing your hair," Preston said, trying to at least crack a smile, but it didn't work. He began to think that Derek wasn't hearing a word he was saying. Preston grabbed Derek's chart and x-ray before turning back to his friends; "I'll leave you two alone for a bit." He received a nod from Derek and then headed outside the room.

As Preston closed the door he saw Cristina running down the hall, "I just got out of the OR. Bailey said that Derek was back. What the hell happened?"

Preston sighed and looked down, "It's back."

Cristina looked in the window into the room. Derek and Meredith were both sitting on the bed, their legs hanging over the side. Meredith was curled up close into Derek's lap, her hair falling down around her, covering her face. Derek's hands were wrapped around her, caressing her, but his eyes were focused straight ahead.

She could tell he wasn't looking at anything. His eyes were slightly glazed over, but she could still see the tears forcing to fall. Cristina looked back down at Meredith who looked frail as her body shook with tears. She finally forced herself to look away and turn back towards her husband. He swallowed hard and looked down, helplessly. "It's out of our hands now," he said quietly.

"We need to discuss your course of treatment," Preston said as he sat down across from Derek. "We can go with a course of chemotherapy or we could try a few clinical trials. This is all up to you and Meredith and you both can take your time, but time is also-"

"Running out," Derek interrupted out Preston.

Preston sighed, "I was going to say crucial. Not running out. We don't get to decide that."

Derek looked around Preston's office. He'd been in here hundreds of times. It was nothing new, but it felt different from this perspective. He wasn't in here because he was a fellow doctor, but a patient. "Preston, I've never been a religious man. I was raised catholic, went to church, went through all of the sacraments, but then I went to school, got married, got busy. I stopped going, stopped caring. Now the thing I stopped caring about is the only thing that can save me. Ironic, huh?"

Preston was unsure of what to say to Derek. Obviously he'd been going through some things. Surprisingly, Meredith wasn't at his side. Preston could only remember a hand full of times that she hadn't been and the fact that she wasn't here today was obviously weighing on his mind.

"You can still make up for lost time," Preston said, unsure of what he could say to make his friend feel better. "You are a good man. A good man deserving survival. Like I told you before, you fought this before and you can fight this again."

"You seem much more sure of that then I am."

"What are you doing down here?" Cristina asked after finally finding Meredith. She was sitting on an abandoned gurney down in the basement.

"When we were interns, we use to come down here when things got difficult. No one else even came down here. It was like our safe haven. I came down here to think a lot. And right now, right now I need to think."

Cristina gave Meredith a concerned look and then sat down next to her. "You shouldn't be here. You should be upstairs in that office."

"Shut up," Meredith said harshly.

"You should. Derek has always been there for you. You should be there for him."

Meredith felt a tear fall down her face, "I have been. I was there the first time, but right now, right now I need to think. No one should have to go through this. Not once, not twice. It's not fair."

"I know," Cristina said, leaning back onto the brick wall.

"Still down here?"

Meredith looked up from her hands and saw Derek down the hall. He smiled at her and made his way down to the gurney. He looked around the empty basement and sat down next to her. "So this is where you go to hide from me in the hospital?"

"I'm not hiding," Meredith said avoiding his glance.

"Oh, really?" Derek asked, sounding like he was in a much better mood then before.

"I'm not. I'm thinking."

"What about?" Derek asked, knowing the answer.

"Everything."

Derek wrapped his arm around Meredith and pulled her head towards his chest, "I think I need to do some thinking too. Mind if I do it with you?"

"Okay," Meredith said softly.

Derek kissed her forehead and settled himself against the hard brick wall. "I love you, Mer."

"Love you too," Meredith mumbled, her eyes welding up with tears.