I've always loved lilies. That's probably why my sister sent them to me. Kyla knows they're my favorite. But she hardly knows the reason why.

I'm sitting in a chair by the window. The one that's not Spencers. Hers is empty. Hers is just waiting for whenever she comes back. I'm sitting in my chair. My chair that's oddly waiting for her too. Waiting for her light to shine back inside this dark room. For her light to shine on it.

For her light to shine on me.

We talk a lot. Well she talks, I mainly listen. But that's ok with us. That's perfect with me. We've kept our conversations inside the hospital. I haven't been outside in the quad all that much. I haven't gone out there at all. It's too dangerous. There's too much out there. I've been so safe in here. For once this room brings me comfort. Hides me from the truth. Hides me from the past.

But of course the past found it's way inside here. The past is all around me once again. Those lilies. They crept in here while I was sleeping. And now the vase I'm staring at yanks me right from this room. My favorite flower is now dragging me by my shirt collar. Dragging me back to one of my favorite times.

I gently remove a yellow one from the bittersweet batch. I twirl it between my thumb and pointer finger. I roll it over and over my jaded skin. I roll it over and over till I feel it's life. Till I feel it's freshness rub right on me. As I feel the past completely spill all over my head. All from a simple flower.

Oh but it's not simple. It's my favorite. And only I know the reason. Only we know the reason. I swear I can hear the waves from here.

"You have fun tonight?"

I glimpsed over towards her with a loose smile on my lips.

"You mean last night..."

She rolled her eyes in the way she always did and stood up. I watched her kick her way through the sand down to the water. Her tiny frame became more lost the farther she got from me. Her form started to blend right in with the dusky sky before us.

She was so beautiful that night. The night before. On prom night. We didn't want to go. We complained and bitched about it every passing minute we could. Every minute until we actually went.

We weren't prom people. We so weren't prom people. We had such wonderful plans for the night, but then the guys asked us. Justin and Colby asked and we realized we were also people who couldn't say no. We so weren't people who could say no. Especially to a friend.

So there we were, getting ready for what we hated. There we were, getting excited for what we thought we were dreading.

I'll never forget the way my heart stopped when Justin and I showed up at her house. When I saw her in her dress. Shawn in a dress. I almost couldn't believe it. The girl with the shaggy hair was nowhere to be found. The girl in a half done up wet suit had disappeared. But both girls were absolutely gorgeous. She was still the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.

I almost forgot she wasn't my date. Almost. I felt a twinge of envy shoot right up my spine when Colby placed the corsage around her wrist. I can still feel that twinge today if I try hard enough.

Prom was actually amazing. We actually had fun. Suddenly we were prom people. Even if it was only for a few hours. A few hours until we went back. A few hours until Parker's after party came along and we turned back to our former selves. Like Cinderella, as soon as we lost the dresses, we lost the prom. Once again we were us. Us in our jeans and flip flops. Once again we were Ashley and Shawn.

But she was still beautiful. She was still prom gorgeous. And I felt it. I felt it that whole night.

We laughed into each others arms. We kicked ass at beer pong. We had those long talks on the back deck. You know the ones. Where you confide all your deep and mushy feelings. When you just can't say I love you strong enough. Hard enough. When you have to keep saying it because It never sounds quite right. It never says it as much as you feel it.

And I felt it that night. I so felt it. I still feel it.

We both looked out to the sky at the same time. We both noticed that familiar shade of blue and found each others eyes. We both smiled and whispered "beach sunrise?"

The look on Justin and Colby's faces as we ran out the front door was priceless. Their disappointed faces behind our linked hands was enough to make the night one of the best ever. But they certainly weren't what made it the most amazing night of my life.

"It's almost time."

I tilted my head back and found her standing over me. Her arms were pulled back behind her, and as always she had my smile on. She wore the one only I knew so well.

I patted a spot on the big blanket and she softly sat beside me. Her shoulder pressed into me as she did it. I lost my stomach in that moment. I lost it and I don't know if I ever really found it again.

"Yeah it is..." I finally took my eyes off her and looked towards the ocean "...only a few minutes, I'd say."

"Sometimes I wish I lived on the east coast"

My eyes darted through her. She felt them. She laughed.

"I mean just so I could see a real sunrise. So I could see the sun rise over the water." Even though her eyes were on me the whole time, they suddenly pierced through me. "Believe me, Ash, my heart's on this coast."

The air became so heavy in that moment. So heavy. Like when it drizzles out. When the rain just hangs all around you. When the water is the air you breathe.

I couldn't hold it much longer. I couldn't let it all just hang around me. I had to let the drops hit the ground. I turned away. I swiveled around and faced the orange sky.

Suddenly a yellow lily found it's way in front of me. A yellow lily crept it's way into my hands. Once again, a yellow lily pulled me out of everything I was hiding from.

"Where'd you get this?" I kept my eyes on it's petals. I was too afraid to look anywhere else.

"Oh that is a secret, Miss Davies."

She leaned over me, still facing the opposite direction. Her hand went to the other side of my legs, as her body hung over my lap. As her face sat right in front of mine.

"Three years ago I told you I loved you, Ashley."

I was forced to look at her then. I slowly nodded, a tiny "yeah, I think I remember that" fell from my soft smile.

She giggled, but I could still feel the intensity in her eyes. I could still feel the moment that was unfolding all around us. The moment where everything was going to change.

"I still love you Ashley."

I held my breath. I stared into her eyes. I heard the sea gulls behind me. I could see the orange sun sneaking up in the distance. This was different then the "I love you"s on the deck. This was different than all the drunken times before. This time the words said everything she felt. This time you could actually feel every letter. This time I wanted her to feel the same. This time I finally said it.

"I love you too."

And this time she heard me. Nothing could wash away the words. She heard them and she felt them. She smiled. Her crooked teeth never looked more perfect. I moved my hand to her face and pulled a loose strand behind her ear.

We kissed. We kissed slow. We kissed long. I don't know if it was from all the beers we drank before. I don't know if it was because it was morning and we hadn't slept. But our kisses dragged on in the most delicious way.

Almost like we were toeing what we thought might be cold water. Like we were too afraid to let our warm bodies jump right in. But eventually we did jump. Eventually we soaked our warm bodies in that water.

Eventually we lied down. Eventually she wrapped us in that big blanket. And eventually we had sex.

It was our first time. And thankfully, it certainly wasn't our last.

"So you getting ready?"

It takes me an eternity to peel my eyes away from the window. It takes me an eternity to see Spencer sitting beside me. I feel flustered and frustrated. This was a moment I didn't want to be taken from. I can always count on Spencer to help walk me out of the past. To hold my hand and carry me through the present.

But this was a time that I wished she'd let me drown in it. I wish she'd let me stay in it's safety.

"I guess so."

I look down at the flower in my hand. It's petals are all missing. It's petals are all scattered on the floor. I can feel her eyes looking at them. I can feel her eyes looking into my intimate past. I can feel her eyes looking in on places she's not allowed.

I hate her eyes looking.

She of course is asking if I'm ready to go home. Apparently this hospital thinks I am. They think I can breathe on my own. They think my heart can keep beating without that machine. They think I'm ok to live on my own again.

I'm not so sure they're right. I'm not so sure I'm ready. I'm not so sure I can live on my own. But I have no choice. Tomorrow I get to walk out of this hospital. I get to walk through those sliding glass doors. Carrying nothing but my crutches. Bringing nothing with me but my fear.

"You like lilies?" It seems like she knows she might have walked in on a moment. She looks like she knows she's intruded on something. She keeps her eyes on the flowers. I'm sure she finds safety there.

I wish I could.

"I used to."

So much said in that cryptic sentence. So much said that could make her curious. And she is curious. I see her eyebrows furrowed. I see her mouth forming the words. And then I see her closing her mouth. I see her thinking better of it.

"Lilies are my favorite flower. Hands down. Totally makes me think of home."

"Makes you think of Ohio?"

She laughs, and I feel stupid. She told me she lived in Ohio, that she grew up there. Why is she laughing.

"No Nantucket."

I'm flat out frustrated now. I don't like feeling dumb. Especially when I know I'm right.

"I thought you said you grew up in Ohio."

I think she notices my frustration cause her words come out really fast. Like she can't get them out there quick enough. Like she wants them to make me feel better. Like she needs them to.

"Oh no no, you're right, Ohio is my home."

She nods her head, looking back to the vase on the table between us. As much as I don't want to, I look there too. My eyes go to them like they'd go to a car accident.

"...but Nantucket is where my heart is. My family vacationed there every summer. Well, every summer till we moved out here." Something flushes over her eyes. Something so unreadable. Suddenly I feel like I'm the one intruding.

And then it's gone. Once again, she's Spencer. But I'm still feeling frustrated.

"Man, those summers were the most amazing times of my life. "

I've never been there. I've never cared to go there. I still don't. Suddenly I don't care so much about where anyone's heart is. I don't care where anyone's heart lives. But she doesn't seem to care. She keeps talking. She keeps talking about her heart.

"It's the most pure place. It's so untouched, they're like no chain stores. It's practically just you and the beach."

I hate the sound of this place. I don't think I want to have anything to do with her heart.

"I found myself out there, you know. That's where my heart is. I think it'll always remain there. Sitting happily on a tiny island on the east coast, twenty six miles out to sea"

And then I realize why I don't want to hear any more. I realize why my chest keeps growing tighter and tighter. I know why hearing Spencer talk about where her heart lives is killing me. I know why it's stabbing me where mine used to be.

Cause where her heart lives sounds so close to where mine lives. Her heart is practically mine. Except I'll never find mine again. Mine's so much farther away than twenty six miles.

Mine's six feet under.