For two weeks I slept in that hospital. And during those weeks I slept through it. I slept right through goodbye. When my mind wouldn't wake up, when my body wouldn't move. I missed it all. I missed the words spoken. I missed the tears shed. I missed the hugs. I missed the chance to grieve with everyone else. And I missed the chance to tell them what she really wanted. To make sure her final wishes were granted.

I couldn't tell them she never wanted to be buried.

But that's where she is. She's down deep in the earth's dirt. And it kills me. Even though Kyla and the Carharts told me what a beautiful service it was. Through choking tears and fumbling lips they said it was just what she would've wanted. But I know it wasn't. I know it was everything she never wanted.

They didn't know that though. How could they? Why would they? Why would a twenty five year old bright eyed goofy girl tell anyone where she wanted her ashes scattered?

She wouldn't, but she told me. She told me so many times, even when I told her not to. Even when I clasped my ears and shook my head. Even when I couldn't bare the thought. When I couldn't handle hearing the hypothetical-ness of it all. I still heard her. I knew she wanted her ashes scattered over the ocean, right outside of Hunting beach. She wanted them there for all the obvious reasons. For all the ones that hit me right where my heart still beats.

I couldn't bring myself to tell her parents it wasn't what she wanted. Their eyes were just so old. Their faces were just so tired. They looked like they had aged twenty years in those two weeks.

And I just couldn't make them age any more.

So I kept it to myself. I bit my lips. I bit them hard and held back those heavy tears. Once more burying the burden of all I couldn't do right. Once more I went along with what I knew was wrong.

Five weeks later and I'm still carrying it. Five weeks since she left me and I still haven't said goodbye.

Five weeks later and I'm sitting on her favorite chair on our deck. I have no clue how I got out here. I have no clue why I'm out here. But I'm here none the less. A living house sits behind me. I'm too scared to go back in there. I'm so scared because I realize what's in there now. It's what I've slept through. It's what I've been avoiding.

Goodbye's behind me. Goodbye's waiting for me.

I breathe in deeply. I don't know what time it is. I have no clue when I got off the phone with Spencer. But I can see how the sun's shifted. I see it sitting further in front of me. I know that sun well enough to know it's late afternoon. I know by the way it's brightness has turned orange. The way her rays are starting to wave goodbye to the beach goers.

I'm not sure what was said on that phone call with Spencer. I'm not sure I said anything at all. All I wanted was to hear her. All I needed was to hear her. I needed her to help me. But I don't think I could. I don't think I heard anything from her.

I think I only heard myself. I think I only heard my sobs.

I can't tell you what's happened since then. I can't tell you what's filled the hours between when I called Spencer and when I got out here. All I know is the time that's slipped through my fingers. How it's glided through them like sand. But just like those tiny grains, I have no clue where the minutes have gone.

I know Hunter visited me briefly. He stretched his back against my hand that was draped over the arm of this chair. It frightened me at first, but then it comforted me. It completely comforted me.

I wasn't alone.

I close my eyes and breathe in the air. It's so fresh. It's the freshest hit I've ever taken. I would start crying if I had any tears left inside. If I had anything at all inside, I'd weep. But I'm spent. I've wasted everything I've had.

"Ashley?"

I jump at the smooth voice. I sit up and glimpse behind me. I see a soft smile and light eyes looking at me. At first it frightened me.

"I'm sorry...the door was open, I hope you don't mind..."

Her voice trails off as she slowly walks over to the chair next to me. She sits down and I'm comforted.

"How you doin'?"

Because I'm not alone.

Turning back around, I softly say "I don't know" like I were merely talking to myself. I glance over to her. She's in normal clothes. She doesn't have that name tag on. She looks more real than she ever has.

"Well..." I catch her looking down at her hands, "...I'm glad you called me."

Her eyes come back to mine and she has this look in them. This cross between kindness, sympathy, happiness, and sadness all at once. I have no clue how she does it. How she manages to carry so many emotions. And how they all make me feel better.

"To be honest..." I glance down at my hands too, "...I didn't really know who else to call."

I can see her nodding slowly in the corner of my eye. It becomes so silent. I hear the waves tumbling. I hear a little girl laughing far away. I hear everything. Suddenly I'm so very aware. Aware of Spencer sitting beside me in my chair. Aware of me sitting in Shawn's. Aware of how wrong all of this is.

All at once I'm aware of my suffocating guilt.

"Do you ever wish it felt like February out here?"

And just like that she's trying to pull me out of it. She tries to pull me in another direction. I look towards her with eyes that still carry the weight form before though. With eyes that aren't so easily fooled. With eyes that will not be pulled from my guilt.

But I want to be taken. I want to be lifted from it. I want know where she's trying to take me.

"What do you mean?"

"Right, I forget everyone's not from Ohio like me."

She lets out the tiniest giggle, it looks like she's a little embarrassed. She turns away and squints out in front of her. She keeps her eyes there for a few moments before continuing.

"But there are some days where I miss winter. Some days where I remember it so well. I remember what it's like to wake up on a cold morning and just know that it's gonna snow. Just being able to smell it in the air, see it in the sky."

Her voice softly pauses as she nods her head absentmindedly and it only makes me more curious. There's something so personal about her voice. Something so private. I can vaguely see her eyes flickering back and forth. It's like she's testing herself. Testing this road she's about to walk on

"In Ohio we didn't have a lot of snow days, you know. Snow was pretty routine out there, we knew how to handle it. But then there was an occasional storm that no one was prepared for and school would be called off...And man, they were the best."

Her eyes are so far away now. She's looking way past the ocean before her. She's staring into the years behind us.

"My dad would always hang around with us. Either work was called off for him too or he'd take a sick day...mom worked at the hospital so she never really had one with us." There's a meaningful pause, one that includes more testing, one that makes me more curious.

"...Dad was the best though. He'd arrange these like snowman contests. I mean he even got my oldest brother Glenn involved. Glenn wasn't into that whole family thing then, you know how you are when you're barely a teenager."

Her eyes turn to me and it's so endearing. You can feel her memories with those eyes. I can feel everything she's describing. I feel everything I've never really known.

"Dad and I would always pair up. Glenn and Clay would always complain, shouting" she pauses, throwing on her best teenage boy voice 'That's not fair!'"

She starts chuckling and it surprises me when I am too. I find comfort in it. I think she does too

"Yeah..." And then her eyes are gone. Her eyes are right back in the past again.

"Then we'd all run inside with our slippery boots and red noses. We'd make hot chocolate and fight about who really won. It always ended up as a three way tie. And then we'd move on to a board game or a movie. Where more fights always ensued about what movie we'd watch or who won whichever board game we settled on."

She smiles and it's completely meant for herself. A smile she didn't even know was coming. Like an unexpected old friend popping in to say hello. It's a smile she hasn't felt in a long time.

And seeing her with that friend on her face, I realize I've never seen her more happy.

"Snow days were all about my dad...I'll never forget them."

I believe her. I believe they mean a lot to her. I can feel how much they mean. I think she just shared a huge part of herself with me. And I think I'm happy she did.

We both become quiet, the silence falling on us like rain. Everything becomes so peaceful. So calm. My heart's not beating outside of my chest anymore. My breathing is even and slow. My eyes are heavy. I'm so tired. And for a minute I almost forget where I am and what's around me.

"You know, it never goes away..." I turn to her and she's looking at my chair, again it's like she's talking to her self. I almost believe she is until she looks straight into my eyes, until she makes me swallow hard. "...but it gets easier."

She looks different. She's serious. She's looking through me. The only other time I've seen her like this were the times she told me about my physical health. When she'd tell me my how my heart was beating just fine. When she'd remind me I was still alive.

"All of this...what you're going through..." Her eyes still seem far away, they still seem like they're resting somewhere else. Like she's seeing something other than me. "...it never goes away completely, but every day it gets a little easier."

And I finally get it. I understand she's still doing it. She's still reminding me that I'm going to be fine. That everything will be ok. And I still don't believe her. I turn to the ocean that once offered comfort. I turn to the ocean and find what contradicts her words. I find everything that tells me it's not going to be fine.

"Yeah..." A sharp laugh cuts through my lips "...sure."

"I know it doesn't seem like it now, but believe me, you will get through it."

She's facing straight ahead. She's not looking at me, she's not asking for questions. She's not giving any answers. She's just leaving it at that.

I keep my eyes on her though. I keep looking at her, searching for everything I know she's not going to give me. Searching for anything. Searching for what's making her words ring inside me. Searching for why I suddenly feel a connection. Searching for why so much inside this unbelievable mess is starting to make sense.

"Spencer?"

She turns back to me, a calm smile on her face. Her eyes at ease. I begin treading carefully. I'm walking so very quietly now. I don't want to intrude. I don't want her to see my curiosity. I don't want her to see my need to look into places I'm not allowed.

"What's in Nantucket?"

The tone in my voice is sad. The tone in my voice knows the answer before she could ever give it to me. And the way her face looks. The way something flushes over it so quickly. Something she couldn't control or hold back. The sadness washing over her before she had time to realize she were wet. It gives me my answer.

"Snow days."

I feel the strong words hit me like a slap in the face. I feel every ounce of her vulnerability pierce through me. Suddenly I feel like I've seen all of her. Suddenly I feel like she let me intrude for the briefest second.

Her eyes are so steady and I know the words she's about to say are smothered in truth.

"Snow days are in Nantucket."

And then the second is over. One simple nod and she faces away from me. Like that, she's shut me out. I'm not looking in on private places anymore. They're all locked up and hidden away.

But I'm still looking at her. I'm still trying to search through the darkness. I want more. I need to know what she means. I need to know. But I know I'm not going to find out today. Her eyes have already left me. They're facing the ocean.

After a few moments, I let myself do the same. Finally I face forward and look into my snow days. We both sit there, looking forward. We both sit there, looking back.

And then all that's behind me catches up with me. Everything I've been avoiding. Everything I'm afraid of.. I hear all those ghosts whispering behind me. I remember everything I still have to face. As if she heard them too, Spencer look back behind us. I see her eyes searching through the sliding glass door before they turn to me. Before they search through me.

"So...how do you feel about some dinner?"

I look over to her, staring straight into safe blue. I still can't look there though. I don't' think I'm ready.. I think she knows it too. I think she sees my fear. I think she understands what's inside. I think she understands more than she should. More than she deserves to understand.

She stands and offers her hand to me. She holds it out there like it were a life preserver. As if it were the ladder that's gonna pull me out of everything I'm drowning in.

"Come on."

I just stare at it for a few more moments before I slide my hand into hers. Before I let her pull me up. I let her pull me out of everything. I let her be that ladder. I hold my crutches in my other hand and finally I face forward. Finally I look up and there it is. Everything from behind me. All my snow days staring me right in the face.

I don't know if I'm ready for this. I'm scared. I'm so scared. But I feel her hand in mine still. I feel her lightly squeezing me.

"I'm right with ya."

Her voice holds me up. Her voice is stronger than my crutches. And I believe her. I hold on to her hand so tightly. I thank her with my hand. I give her every ounce of gratefulness I have left.

Then I let go. I let go and start hobbling. I start hobbling my way inside.

I start hobbling towards goodbye.