Something has happened. Something has occurred. It's been so long since I've felt this. Since I found this reason. A reason to ask, to look, to search. A reason to keep going. To keep living. A reason to want to.
I'm alive. And for just a moment, just one moment, I was happy to still be it.
I connected tonight. I found three dots and drew three lines. It started with me and ended with me. It ended with me and Spencer. It ended with the biggest dots and the thickest line. But I know that's not where it truly ends. I know there are more dots. There are more things to connect. I have to find them. I have to draw more lines. I need to know what's connecting it all. I need to know why I'm one of the dots.
I need to know why I care. Why I'm drawn. Why I'm alive.
So I've kept my eyes on hers. I haven't let them leave hers. Even when I've tried, and believe me I've tried. We both have. But it's useless. We keep coming back to each other. Our eyes are playing that weird walking dance thing. Where we both walk in the opposite direction only to bump right into each other instead. We awkwardly step back, eyes ready to leave each other as we try to move away. Only to fail once more. Only to face one other. Only to collide and stumble back. Our mouths remain closed. Silent without apologies. There are no apologies for this. Whatever this is. It's bigger than both of us and we can't stop it.
The party plowed on anyway. Vegetable platters and pasta salad sat on tables. Conversations heightened and voices slurred. Beer filled coolers and wine filled bottomless glasses.
We were there for all of it. But we weren't really there. We held our plates. We drank our drinks. I swallowed mine. I held on to mine for dear life. We watched the air change. We felt the floor shift. All around us. Right below us. Threatening to wipe us out completely. I don't know how or why this has happened. I don't know if it was out there on the deck with Anthony. I don't know if it was when her hands held that guitar case. When her hands held onto mine. Maybe it was the day she wheeled me into the quad. Maybe it was the day I first spoke to her.
Maybe it was back in the beginning. Back when I first saw her. When I finally opened my eyes. When they looked right into hers.
I'm starting to wonder if they ever stopped looking.
Anthony's noticed. Anthony is the middle dot. He's middle ground. He's the one holding us together. And he sees it all. He watches our clumsy tango. He watches the words go unspoken. I've watched him too. I've watched the way he's gone to her. They way they've talked. They way it surprised me. The way it looked normal. There were no secret whispers. There were no wide eyes. It was just them. Spencer and Anthony.
So why do I feel Spencer everywhere? If she doesn't know about the deck conversation, about protecting and card holding, why can't she let me go? Why can I feel her when I can't see her?.
Why have I always felt her?
"You ready?"
I freeze. Both her voice and my own inner voice have left me frozen. Paralyzed. Both took me by surprise. Both knocked me right out. I timidly glance up from the couch I've been sitting on. I find her all smiles and bright eyes. I find her normal.
"To go home?"
Both her eyes and mouth are giggling slightly. Mine do not mirror them. I awkwardly stand, making sure we don't touch. That's too dangerous. I'm not ready for that quite yet.
"Uh sure"
The laughter and smiles die down as she notices.
"You good?"
I see her hospital eyes. I see that name tag. I don't like it.
"Oh yeah...just tired." I mask the truth with drunkenness. "...let's go."
I walk for the door. She follows. We stop to say goodbye to Anthony. I feel our connect-the-dots world come together. I feel the lines stronger. I feel the image coming more into focus. It's still blurry. It's blurry but I can see the outline of this new world.
I don't know if I want to stay inside it. I don't know if I want to see it in focus. I don't know if I have a choice.
"Call me tomorrow, ok?" He hugs her close. He holds her so tightly, so warmly. He's protecting her. I think he does that a lot.
"I will."
She pulls away and he looks at me. He smiles kindly. He's not hiding anything. He's not holding cards. He moves towards me and wraps his arms under mine. "You too, Ash" I feel his voice vibrate through his chest against mine. "Let's get together soon, yeah?" Somehow I'm not awkward. Somehow it feels right. It feels safe.
It feels like he's protecting me.
"Yeah, ok." My voice is soft and innocent. My voice is ten years old. My voice is that day on the beach. The day of water drop gifts. This is a new day. These are new drops. These are Anthonys. These are new gifts inside a new life.
We turn to go and I smile. I smile all the way to the car. And it all flies away when the doors shut. When the air swells around us. When the silence seeps into our skin. When our eyes catch fire.
This time I know Spencer feels it. I know I haven't made up everything that's happened tonight. I know I'm not the only one. She knows things have changed. She knows, she feels it, and she's just as lost as me. We drive silently down nameless streets. I watch cars pass. I watch Spencer sit straight in her seat. Hands clenched at ten and two. Eyes fixed on double lines and brake lights.
She pulls into her spot in my parking lot. We sit there, the low hum of the engine filling the thick space between us. I'm looking at my hands. I think she's looking at them too. The humming stops. I hear her pull the keys into her lap.
"Wanna come up?"
I feel the words leave my lips, and I wish the engine were still running. I wish the engine's hum could have drummed over my naked words. But it wasn't running. Nothing took away my vulnerable invitation.
"Yeah…" she's looking at me from the corner of her eyes, too afraid to fully face me "…sure."
Her voice is so soft. My heart is so loud. My feet are so heavy. My feet leading hers up the stairs are so scared. I hold onto the railing with a clenched fist. I hold on so tightly. I can hear cars passing. I hear them cutting through her shallow breathing.
I remember my forty two door. I walk us right inside it. The apartment's silence is unnerving now. The white walls are too bright. The emptiness is too much. Too dark. Too vast.
She doesn't round me this time. She follows me to the kitchen counter. She sits on one of the stools. I go right for the fridge and cabinet at the same time. Grabbing glasses and clawing whiskey.
"Drink?"
My back's facing her, I'm already pouring. I'm not waiting for her to answer. She never gives me one. I can't hear her. It's questionable if she's even still here. I grip our drinks. The ice lightly clatters against clear edges. The ice gives away my shaking hands. I take a deep breath and turn around.
She's there. She's smiling. I exhale. I smile.
"Here" I gently slide over her cocktail.
"Thanks" Her hand goes for it. Her hand lightly covers mine. Her hand blankets my tremors. I don't pull away this time. I don't flinch. But she flinches. She pulls away. She looks anywhere I'm not. She's dropping something inside here. She's adding another layer to our already overflowing awkward pile.
She fidgets in her seat. I drink. She crosses and uncrosses her hands. I drink. She glimpses at me and back down. I drink.
"So did you have fun tonight?"
Her eyes are unsteady. They check in on me for mere seconds. Her question is a diversion. A test. She's feeling us out. Feeling me out. But I don't want to test anymore. I don't want to play games. I'm putting my marker away. She's gonna have to connect these dots now.
I take a long sip. It sates me. She's ready to ask the obvious question. She's sitting in her hospital chair. She's reading her book beside me in the middle of the night. And she's ready to ask if I'm ok.
"What's going on here?"
But I beat her to it.
"What?"
Her eyes remain on her tied hands. My eyes never leave her. We're not dancing around this anymore. We're not going to keep twirling our food around secret forks.
"This, Spencer…" My eyes widen as she finally looks into mine, "…us."
The word floors me. Us. That's it, isn't it? That's what's happened. There's an us now.
"What do you mean?"
I glance to the side. A tired sigh filters through my tired lips. I glance back down at her. She's trying to smile. She's nervous. She's covering herself up. She's trying not to break. And I don't like it. I want her to break.
She needs to break.
I stare right through her, my eyes are reaching inside searching. I'm ready. I'm ready to walk inside a locked place. I'm ready to break down its door.
"What happened in Nantucket?"
She's not ready. She's been side lined. "What?" It's a whisper and it's not a question. It's a defense tactic. It's swatting me away. It's swinging desperately and helplessly into nothing. Her eyes are searching for safety. Searching for a life raft. For a way out.
I want to give her one. I reach out and place my hand over hers.
"Hey, it's ok, you can tell me."
She pulls away.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Spencer…" Suddenly I'm wearing a name tag. "…I know something happened. Anthony practically told me."
This was not something she wanted to hear. This was not comfort. This was betrayal.
"What...what did he tell you?"
Her eyes are not scared any more. Her eyes aren't afraid to look into mine. Her eyes are blazing into mine.
"Well..." I step back without realizing it "...I mean, he didn't really say anything, but it was implied that-"
"Stop."
I look at her looking at me. I see her terrified, cold, and covered. "Just stop. You don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh so that's how it is, huh?"
A bitter laugh pushes out from my lungs. I feel it bleed through me. I feel it fill my bones. I feel it reach out and slap her across the face.
"You get to come into my life uninvited and make yourself comfortable. You get to watch my misery like it were some sport or movie." She's not looking at me. She's looking at the counter. Her eyes are drawing those patterns now.
"You've seen me broken, you've seen me at my worse. I mean when I couldn't even piss on my own, let alone walk, you were there. All this time I thought it was cause you wanted to help me, cause you wanted to keep me company. That story about your tonsils..." I shake my head, I take a deep breath "..it was all bullshit wasn't it? You weren't there for me..."
I finish off my drink, I slam it down "...you were there for you."
This gets her attention. This hits her harder than any slap in the face.
"Of course I was there for you! Everything has been for you Ashley!"
"Why?!"
It's shrieked. It's loud. It's bouncing off the bare walls and pretty wood floors. And it's sliding right through her teary eyes.
She stumbles "I...I..."
"What are you getting out of this Spencer? What's in this for you?"
She shakes her head, as if it could shut me off. As if it were the light switch that's gonna shut me up. "I'm not..." She pushes herself off her bench "...I can't do this."
Her motions are frantic. Her direction is single minded. She's going for the door.
"No." It rushes out of my lips, "Wait, please." The words are desperately trying to stop her before my body can. She's not stopping, but I'm able to place myself between her and the door.
She stops, inches from me, "Please don't go." I look down at the floor "...please." It's whispered. It's choked. I'm sad. I'm about to lose everything again.
She doesn't say anything.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean..." I wince and look to the side, knowing I can't mention it again "...I'm just really confused, Spencer."
It's silent. "I know."
"But do you?" My eyes flick up to hers, I feel them squinting "...I mean do you really?"
Silence again.
"You've never shown yourself to me. I mean, you've smiled, you've laughed, you've told some stories. But they're not real. I've only seen you once..." I shake my head "...no twice. I've seen the real you twice. And it was when you talked about snow days. When you talked about Nantucket."
I can see her fidgeting. She lifts her head and tears are brimming in her eyes. Eyes that are looking helplessly to the ceiling. She shakily sighs. She's uncomfortable. She's so open now and she doesn't want to be. She's fighting it. She's wishing Anthony were here.
"I saw you when you talked about your heart."
With her face turned to the side somewhat, her eyes fall back on mine. She's biting her lip and hugging her body tight.
"Spencer..." I move closer to her, my hands tentatively sit on her arms, my body tries to fill Anthony's impossibly big shoes, "...your heart is still out there. It's not far. It's right where you've always said it is. Snow days are only twenty six miles out to sea. Snow days are alive."
I see her lips shaking. I see tears falling like snowflakes in summer. This is not something I'm supposed to see. This isn't supposed to happen. This never happens.
"Your heart is still alive, Spencer."
The snowing stops. The shaking stops. Tears are drying. Everything becomes so clear. So focused. Dots and lines are fading away. They're becoming real. They're turning into actuality.
She looks into my eyes and I see her. I see Spencer. I see her as a little girl. I see her smiling. I see her happy. I see her so sad. I see her best and worst days. Everything is right inside those eyes.
"That's where you're wrong Ashley."
I'm confused. My eyes show it. My hands grip for understanding. My hands hold her tighter.
"Snow days aren't alive, they're so far gone. And my heart, my heart is not just twenty six miles away..."
She uncrosses her arms, gently pushing my hands away at the same time. She walks around me. She walks around the frozen person I've become. I hear her open the door. I feel her looking at me, like I have all night. And before she leaves, before I hear the door click behind her, I hear the last line. I hear the last dots connected.
"...my heart's dead, Ashley..."
A shaky deep breath. Wet eyes closed.
"...just like yours."