The sky was ghostly gray. The night was dark. So dark. Darker than I probably remember. We laughed earlier in the night. We kissed and touched. We whispered inside jokes.

The clouds grew heavier above us. The clouds cried. The clouds weeped.

The clouds knew so much more than us.

I don't know when the laughter stopped. I don't know when things stopped being funny. But the rain pelted harder. We sat tensely inside a car neither one of us should have been driving. There was so much shouting. So much commotion between her seat and mine. I'd never heard her voice that way. I'd never seen her so upset. So angry. So pained. Her eyes never looked at me that way. They always warmed me.

But not that night. The last time her eyes looked into mine, they froze me. And it was right then, moments before I truly lost her, that I realized my Shawn was already gone.

I can still hear those windshield wipers wiping. Their swooshing and squeaking. Punctuating every harsh word. Punctuating, with every drop of rain, my tears. And for a second, they were all we could hear. Things halted in an instant. The world stopped, the universe came together.

Everything was one for a single moment. I felt it. She felt it. One single moment of perfect balance and symmetry.

And then it was lost. Chaos took over symmetry as everything shattered. Everything, everything slipped away from us. The wheels spun. Our voices screamed louder. Her eyes turned colder. The night was blacker than it was before.

Everything was different than it was before. Everything.

I shiver.

I blink.

Squinting eyes search into the darkness. A cold breeze blows over my skin. It lightly shakes me awake. The black before me softens, the moon's light shines this room bright enough for my eyes to fix on our bags. For my eyes to remember.

Nantucket. I'm here. Spencer's here. This is our room.

It all comes back to me. Everything fills my memory again with every wave that lightly crashes outside. I sit up, a light blanket falls off me. It's silent and cold in here.

I yawn and hug my body, finally getting out of bed. Making my way outside, I grab a sweatshirt off my bag before shutting the door behind me.

A missed dinner wafts through the halls. Lights are mellow in the kitchen and living room. Mellow breathes all through this silent house. I smell a fire and follow it outside to the front yard. It's the only yard this house has. Flowers adorn the edges and hedges surround it. Comfortably isolating us.

Spencer is comfortably isolated in this yard tonight. She turns from her chair on the patio as the screen door smacks behind me.

"You're up."

I can feel the warmth from the chimenea before her. Its light flickers across her face, displaying patches of her small smile.

"Yeah." My mouth hangs open, the corners turning up. She pats the seat next to her and I accept the invitation. I happily accept it. Everything feels so safe out here, in this moment.

Settling down in my seat, I can smell her shampoo. Her hairs still wet and I can feel how fresh she is. It's surrounding me. She looks content. Relaxed. It makes me feel the same.

"Where is everyone?"

Her smile reminds me of the old Spencer. The one who took care of me. The one who held things together.

"Well Anthony was ready to have a night out, he's in complete 'go big or go home' mode. Of course he convinced Kyla and Aiden to come along. They're going to feel it in the morning, trust me. When you're out with Anthony, the next day is always rough..." She holds up her hands "...especially on this island."

She giggles and I find myself doing the same. "But there's some left over pizza in the fridge if you want any. Anthony picked it up earlier...along with half the liquor store." I can barely make out her eyes rolling in the soft light. I have to chuckle to myself, liking the fact that it sounds so Anthony. Loving the fact I know it's so him.

"Speaking of which..." she leans down to the side opposite me, bringing a bottle back up with her "...wine?"

"Yeah..." I shyly whisper, smiling, "...thanks."

She hands me a glass and leaves the bottle on the small table between us. It makes me feel safer having it there. It's a backup and I think it makes her feel the same way. I think it's why she put it there.

We both sit before the fire, casually sipping our wine. Casually letting the silence take us over.

"What time is it?"

I look towards her, she's sitting with her knees close to her chest. "A little after ten I think."

"Jesus..." taking in a large sip "...I guess I was more tired than I thought."

She laughs knowingly "Yeah...we were going to wake you up, but decided you weren't missing anything..." She does what I've realized is her customary head tilt, "...well aside from Anthony getting everyone tanked."

"Oh, I appreciate it." We both smile as her ease becomes more apparent. Leaning my head back, I wonder if Anthony succeeded with her. My eyes scan the clear sky. There are stars everywhere. I've never seen anything like it.

"Man, that's crazy."

It takes her a minute, but she finally looks up with me. "Oh I know, right? Ant and I used to lay here for hours just looking up at those stars."

My head falls towards her, and I find myself happy. I like hearing her smile. I like hearing about her past. I like hearing about things I don't know.

I like learning about her.

"You guys have really been friends forever, huh?"

"Yup..." She nods and glimpses towards me, smile sipping from her large glass "...My house was right around the corner...on Burnel Street..."

There's a pause and it feels like preparation. It sounds like she's getting comfortable, so I do the same. I bring my legs up onto the chair and hug them close.

"Summer after summer, Ant and I would spend every...single...day...together..." we both laugh. Her glass points to a low but wide tree to the left of us. "...see that tree over there?"

I nod.

"I kissed Anthony for the first and last time beneath it."

I try to hold my laughter in, but it still manages to dribble out of my mouth, "Seriously?"

She laughs too, eyes wide with the memory "Oh yeah, we were thirteen and it was so hot."

I feel her sarcasm and laugh harder. Our chuckles flow together for a few moments before they softly die down. The fire cracks and I feel the mood changing with each pop. I feel something more serious brewing beneath her story.

"Yeah..." Her eyebrows seem furrowed as she looks inside her swirling glass. "...everyone pretty much knew Anthony was gay. His family, my family...but he fought it. It was a long time till he came out. I couldn't quite figure it out then, but I eventually understood, when you're young...when you're thirteen, gay isn't just scary."

A guttural chuckle falls from her lips.

"It's terrifying. That word..." she coughs "...it's too heavy with meaning. It's beyond anything you can comprehend."

This sounds so very familiar. I listen to her talk about my life. I listen and wonder if she's talking about hers too. Something about her voice, about her words, makes me wonder so much.

"Glenn and Mark, Anthony's older brother, they were really good friends..." She nods lightly and casts a sad look my way "...they were really mean to him, to Anthony. Just picked on him about who he was, you know, for being gay. They teased him about something he had no control over. Something he didn't even realize about himself. I just watched them. I didn't really understand. Well that's what I tell myself..."

A large guilty swig.

"...I wonder if I was just too afraid. Too scared of what people would think..." My mind races with what her words could possibly mean until her voice pulls me back in "...Either way I watched them do it. I watched Anthony embarrassed. I watched my best friend hurt and upset. He always acted like he didn't hear them. He always shrugged it off."

She looks over to that tree again, eyes flicking with each leaf blowing in the breeze.

"One day it was just too much, I couldn't watch anymore. We were all out here in this yard, the four of us, playing manhunt or something, and Mark called him a fag..." she winces and I find myself doing the same "...Everyone sort of stopped, I don't think we had ever heard someone say the word before...but we all knew what it meant. We all knew and it hurt us. It hurt me. I took one look at Anthony, saw the tears in his eyes, and that was it. I grabbed his hand, pulled him beneath that tree, and kissed him."

She looks at me intensely, we share it together. Her fingers shadow her mouth as she whispers almost to herself, "...I could feel his lips trembling, you know? They trembled so much against mine. I could feel how scared he was."

Her hand leaves her mouth, only to be replaced by more wine. The sadness in her eyes goes hidden.

"After that we silently made a pact...we'd always look after each other..." one long thoughtful pause, "...and we always have."

Suddenly I know Anthony. Like really know him. And even more so, I know Spencer. She's letting me inside. I'm seeing her and I like her. I like her even more. Not because of what she's done for me. Not for what connects us. But for who she is. For the person I'm finally meeting.

And now all three of our dots are bigger. Our lines are stronger. I feel it inside me and I like it.

The story settles over us as we finish our glasses. Before I can ask for a refill, Spencer's already pouring. I'm feeling my first glass and that only assures me that Spencer is definitely feeling hers. She's definitely feeling how many other glasses she had before it. And if I needed any more proof, the way she holds the bottle only cements it. I can't help but giggle as the liquid splashes and swishes inside my glass.

She sets the empty bottle on the ground, and motions her head behind us "Don't worry, there's plenty more inside. I wasn't kidding when I said Anthony stocked us up."

This is a new side to Spencer. This is a more exposed Spencer. And I'm terrible for thinking this, but it's a Spencer I can learn more about.

"Looks like we have a long night ahead of us, huh?"

I hold my glass out, awaiting the clank from hers. She smiles and carefully returns my cheers.

"I guess so."

I drink my wine that's never tasted better and all I can think is Nantucket's not so bad.

"So why didn't you go out with the rest of them?"

She shrugs, "Just wasn't in the mood, really..." a shyness graces her features "...and someone had to be here for when you woke up, right?"

My cheeks flush, a small feeling of guilt fills me as I whisper "Sorry."

"No worries..." Her eyes fix on the fire before us, her eyes fix too much "...I'm where I want to be."

The words are heavy with a meaning I'm not sure of. She leans forward, moving around logs that don't need to be moved around. Keeping her eyes straight ahead, as if she's afraid they'd add more to what's already been said.

I lean back in my chair, routinely sipping, feeling more comfortable. Maybe it's because I can already feel the wine. Maybe it's because I know she feels it too. But I'm brave and curious. And I feel safe enough to do something about it.

"So what about you?"

She looks at me with obvious confusion and I smile. It was my intention to draw it out.

"Gay, straight, bi,..." Her laughter walks a thin line between awkward and comfort, so I keep going "...all or none of the above?"

Half her wine disappears before she answers.

"I don't know."

She's not aggravated. But she's not laughing either. So I quickly retract. I quickly try losing my curiosity even though it just piqued even more.

"Yeah."

I feel her eyes on me and I realize I'm not the only one curious. I know she has some questions brewing. I know I just opened a free for all door and I can't look at her. Instead, I focus on her kissing tree.

"You're gay though, right?"

For some reason I laugh. It's not funny. I'm awkward. I'm uncomfortable. Half my wine disappears.

"Sorry...I didn't mean...I just..."

"It's ok..." The words come quickly, too quickly "...I mean I just asked you the same thing."

The air fills with heaviness. We're both feeling exposed now. We feel it even more with the breeze blowing over our skin. With the way the fire's the only sound we hear.

We both crossed a line and we're desperately trying to find our way back. But we're fumbling, we're stuck. We're not moving or talking. We're not finding it and the longer we can't find it, the more we drink.

We're sipping our backwards steps.

I'm not sure if it's working, but I am feeling better. I'm feeling comfortable again. And by the way she giggles, I think Spencer is too.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing just..." She shakes her head. "...Aiden."

"What about him?"

"Well..."she's holding back her laughter now, ready to deadpan "...speaking of gay."

"Hey!" I swat at her arm and nearly miss it. "That's my sisters boyfriend!"

She laughs. "I know, I'm sorry, " but her words are barely recognizable.

"Spencer!"

Her head is now shaking, a futile attempt to stop laughing.

"He's not..." I try, but it's pointless, I start laughing too "...well maybe just a little."

Her eyes look into mine in a very "come on" way and that's all it takes, I lose it. "Ok...he's so gay."

And we both let go. I don't even think we're thinking about Aiden anymore. We're just laughing to laugh. Because it feels good. Because it feels right.

Because for once, nothing else matters.

And then something matters. Then her hand covers mine. It's something that happened naturally, an act without intentions. She let go too much, we laughed too hard, and in this moment, everything stopped.

Her hand stays on top of mine. Her hand really holds onto it. My thumb slides over her skin. I don't move. She doesn't either. The crickets chirp. The fire blazes life. Everything comes together again. The clear night sky. The stars inside it, shining down on us. Her kissing tree blows in the breeze, I can practically hear the leaves bumping into each other.

We're both looking at our linked hands on my arm rest. And then we're looking at each other. The silence between us isn't awkward. The space between us isn't uncomfortable. It's worse than that. It's comfortable. Everything about this moment feels right. Her hand on mine feels natural. And the fact it was a thoughtless act only proves it more.

For one moment everything makes sense. I feel it. She feels it. Everything is right. The world fits perfectly together. For one instant, our lives are harmoniously living together. The past and future has disappeared, leaving us with only now.

Leaving us with only each other.

And then it's gone. Her decreasing shadow is all I see. Her footsteps further inside ring in my ears. The breeze blows softer. The fire breathes warmer. The kissing tree looks fuller. The sky above shines brighter than before. I'm less isolated than before.

I blink.

Everything is different than it was before.

I shiver.

Everything.