Morning birds chirp over forgotten crickets. The warm sun overlaps the crisp moon, a new kind of light flowing through open windows. Slowly my heavy eyes adjust to the brightness, to the warmth filling me inside.
Something's different.
Rolling over, my hand slides, spreading across crisp sheets.
Something's missing.
I squint into the pillow, fingers draw over cotton. I remember.
Spencer.
Hand fumbles down, splaying beneath the blanket.
She's gone.
Falling back against the mattress again, awake eyes stare into the ceiling.
Was she ever really here?
Fingers come to my lips, tracing. Arms hug my body, ghosting hers.
Or did she run away? Did she leave me before I got too close.
Again.
Breakfast makes it's way to my bed, and manages to pull me out of it. I shuffle down the bright halls, each step reminding me of every glass from hours before. The hours that are quickly catching up with me. The ones of routine sipping by the fire. Getting lost inside a filled glass.
And I smile. Through the hangover, through the heaviness, I remember.
A kissing tree paired with new hands holding.
The kitchen cheerfully greets me, along with the sun. The vision of Kyla's bare feet swaying on a table filters through the screen door. I see them in slow motion. I hear them out there. I hear them far away. Smiling voices and easy laughter.
And then it's so close. It's next to me, inside me. Warms me and reminds.
Bacon and eggs surround the air and I see a plate waiting. A plate laid out for me. Standing in the light, I stare at it shining on the counter. Taking it in. Everything it means. What it means to me.
I'm apart of this. Smiling voices and easy laughter. I'm inside it.
"Ashley, get your lazy ass out here!"
Anthony's voice makes sure I know it, that I believe it. And I do. I don't waste a second in listening to him. Grabbing my plate and water, I find my way outside.
A chorus of hello's greet me and I smile.
Kyla and Aiden are sitting at the round table, partially beneath the awning, partially beneath the bright sun. Bodies slouched in their chairs, magnetically leaning inwards. Their heads tilted back, falling towards each other. Sunglasses cover their hurting eyes. Kyla gives me a smirk, and I know just what it means.
They're feeling it.
Anthony, without a shirt, stands out in the yard. Swallowed in the middle of green grass. With hands tied behind his head, he wears a beautiful smile. Facing the sun, he's drinking it in. This moment, this everything. An eye quarks open, peeking towards me.
"Finally." A smiled whisper flies from him to me and I wrap my fingers around it.
I'm inside.
And then I see her. Spencer. She's sitting in a beach chair, blue and white stripes pressed to her back. Perfectly sat between the kissing tree and Anthony. Soaking in the sun, hands calmly fidget across her stomach, across her book. Across her blanket. A light smile fills her lips, her hair whisks softly in the breeze. Her eyes squint forward. Her lips lift.
Her eyes look into mine. Her smile pushes inside.
"Hey." It's soft and meant for her. It's the first thing I've said all morning. She's the only person I've wanted to hear it.
She's the only one I've needed to hear me.
We hold our stare, conversation picks up around us. Kyla and Aiden reliving the night before. Anthony joining in with every period of silence between them.
But Spencer and I stay where we are, keeping with each other. And I remember.
Warmth pressed beside me. Tears flowing together. Arms working as pillows, legs acting as blankets. It happened. And maybe she did leave before I could pull her back. Maybe she did run away.
But she's not now. She's here, before me. And in her smile, I feel her warmth and slick tears. I feel her. I see her.
She's inside.
Sunglasses drift down over her eyes but the smile never leaves her face. Finally joining the table, I set my plate down. But I'm too moved to touch it. Too inside to twirl the food around my fork. I don't want to.
And I don't need to.
"Seriously, Ash, you missed out last night."
Kyla giggles her words as an instinctive hand finds Aiden's.
"Yeah Ash-ey..." Aiden slurs my name, like he always does, "...this place was off the hook!"
Laughter pours from my lips, and I smile at them.
"Damn right it was..." Anthony walks towards us, lightly kicking Spencers chair along the way, she grins, he smirks. They're inside. They share their own moment, their own world. And then Anthony joins us in ours, standing behind me "...I hope you're getting ready for round two tonight."
Eyes roll, tired sighs follow, and I'm the only one clueless,"...tonight?"
"Yeah..." I can see Kyla cringing beneath the darkness of her shades, "...I guess we invited half the bar over for a barbecue tonight." She turns apologetic, "...sorry.." squeezing between her smiling teeth.
"Oh please, I was about to invite them myself..." Anthony holds my shoulders, and I like it. "...I gotta say Ashley, these two were out of control last night, I think they're my kind of people."
I hear Spencers laughter behind us. I like it even more.
"I bet." Mirroring Kyla's grin, I tilt my head back and mirror Anthonys.
Padded footsteps make their way towards us, as a scratchy but delicate voice sings inside my ears.
"Tonight should be fun..." Spencer completes our round table world, our round two moment, with hands on her hips. Even with her eyes hiding, I know exactly where they're looking.
They're connecting with mine. And I hold them. I keep them. I store them inside that dusty safe.
A whispered "yeah" leaves my lips, with a twinge of excitement.
She returns it. She holds me too. She doesn't let me go. The world between this table fades away, leaving just the two of us. And then she pulls us back inside it, glancing over at the linked couple, "You guys ready?"
"Definitely." Kyla stands with a grunt, pulling an equally lethargic Aiden with her.
"Where you going?" I look at Kyla, directing my question towards her, even though I really want Spencers answer.
"Well since we invited their friends over, we thought it was only fair we bought the supplies for tonight." Kyla widely smiles and I know she's happy to do it.
"Oh guys stop being ridiculous –"
"Spencer, we insist." Kyla and Aiden say in unison. The appropriate amount of silence fills the space till Spencer easily nods. Until Spencer accepts their help.
Until she lets them inside.
"Don't worry about the booze, Ash and I will make that trip later, won't we?" Anthony throws me a mischievous smile as he slides into Aiden's seat.
Shaking my head and baring my teeth, I laugh, "You're crazy."
"Wouldn't have it any other way, babe."
He winks at me.
I'm inside.
We say our goodbyes, as they bumble their way to the car. One last look from Spencer, full of meaning. Full of things I'm still unsure of.
And they're gone.
"Looks like it's just me and you, kid."
Glancing over, Anthony's white smile shines on me. Hair a mess. Face flushed. Eyes tired. He's never looked better.
"Come on."
His head swings to the side, in a very familiar way, and it stops me for a moment. It tries to pull me down a dark path belonging to the past. But a hand from the present fights it. Anthony's fingers thread through mine, and we're walking.
We're walking away from the darkness into the light.
"So where we going?"
Dust clouds below our flip flops. Sand crunches beneath our weight.
"Just my favorite place on this little island..." his hand leaves mine so an arm can wrap around my shoulders "...I think you'll like it."
I only nod, keeping my head low, the corners of my mouth turning up with every step. We don't speak as we walk down nameless streets. The sun shines on us, painting his bare skin, warming mine beneath a tank top.
Honeysuckle fills the air. Children dance and giggle. Summer is everywhere. Summer wraps around us. The streets become smaller, the grass grows over the edges. There's more sand. Less houses.
Civilization seems further and further away.
And then I see it. The ocean. It's right in front of my eyes. Breathing and spitting. Waving hello. Practically whispering "it's been awhile" in a condescending cackling tone.
"We're here."
I watch Anthony walk before me, from the pavement onto the path between the dunes. His arms outstretched, face to the sky. Finally, I move towards him, each step slower and heavier than the one before it. Like I'm waking through the thickest mud. Like I'm walking through the hungriest quicksand.
Like this beach is literally eating me whole.
The sand is hot, the waves are loud. Anthony breathes deep. I suffocate. He doesn't even notice when I trip next to him.
"Best thing about living on an island..." I hear him inhaling through his nose, savoring it "...there's a beach for everyone. Welcome to Cliff beach...my beach."
The tears cover my eyes. Blanketing. Knees shaking, hands clenching. My past is winning. My past ain't going anywhere this time.
"Hey..." a soft hand grabs onto mine, and I close my eyes with it. I suck in the air. My lips sputter alongside my quivering chin.
"Fuck."
It's breathy, spitting from my rattling lips. I squeeze my eyes. I clasp them shut. Too afraid to look. The blanket is so tight over my face.
If I can't see them, the monsters can't see me.
"You can do this." I hear him whisper, I feel him holding me tighter.
"I don't know." My head starts shaking "... I don't think I can-"
"Yes you can. I'm here. You're here..." A thumb rubs over me "...Nothing bad has happened. You've already gone through the worst of it Ashley. You got through it, and you're ok."
We're silent for so long. We don't move. I'm afraid to open my eyes. I'm afraid to see the sand swallowing me. Afraid to see the dirty suffocating mud all over my skin.
I don't want to see the past. I don't want to find it choking my life between it's greedy fingers.
I take one final deep breath. One deep breath, and my eyes open. One deep breath and I'm ok.
"Come on..." Anthony whispers, Anthony coaxes. He holds me close as we walk further along the beach, where the sand becomes cooler. Harder. My other hand unconsciously grabs onto his arm, keeping him with me. Holding him near. And as we sit together, I don't know if I'll ever let him go.
His arm rests around my shoulders like he knows I need them. He knows how badly I need to be inside.
The tears flow like a river from my eyes. Just dropping to the sand. Dropping so hard. Tricking the grains into believing it's the choppy salt water rumbling over it.
Anthony's hand soothes as he keeps me close. We stay like that, for I don't know how long. Just us and this beach. There's no one else. There's no noise. Just the waves. Just my soft sobs. Just my hurried breaths. Just Anthony. Just him there. He doesn't say anything but I still hear him. I feel him. I'm safe.
Finally I'm ready. Ready to stop the tears. Ready to move on. Ready to attempt both. I wipe my eyes using the back of my hands.
"Sorry."
It's whispered and pushed. I don't know why I said it, I'm not sorry.
"For what?" Anthony knows "...for having emotions? For showing them?"
Just for hearing his voice, a light chuckle fights my tears.
He dramatically sighs, feigning disbelief. "Thank god you're apologizing for that."
Another laugh pushes the tears down. I can tell he's smiling. Holding my face in my hands, I turn towards him.
"Thanks."
"No worries..." He leans in close, eyes looking straight into my weepy ones "...Just don't go doing it again, got it?"
A laugh gives him my answer. I sniffle. He affectionately smiles and moves back, resting his weight on hands in the sand. My breathing calms, my eyes dry. Things go back as they were. The past crawls back beneath my bed. The past's done scaring me for today.
For now.
"So..." his voice invites me his way and I find him squinting out over the ocean "...wanna talk about it?"
Hesitating, I face forward again. I'm hanging over my bed, peeking under it, eyes wide staring into the darkness. I'm scared. I don't want to reach under there. I don't want to pull out the things that just crawled away from me. But I'm thinking about it. I'm considering it.
And I make a decision.
"Have you ever..."
I inhale sharply, hands dig through the sand, hands reach into the dark. I'm kneeling under that safe mattress. I'm moving now. I'm frantically fumbling across the boards. I'm terrified. I'm ready.
"Have you ever known someone, someone close to you, who was out of control..." My eyes cast down the beach, behind his face, his concerned and curious eyes "...but you didn't do anything about it?"
"How do you mean out of control?"
I don't know how to answer. I've never had to say it out loud. The words are too scary. Too real. Suddenly it's just too dark.
He leans back again, and I think I feel him. I think I feel him next to me beneath the bed. I'm starting to wonder if he's fumbling through his own darkness. I'm starting to believe he is.
He takes a deep breath.
"Growing up, my father, my real one, was an alcoholic."
He's got me now, my eyes are on him, I'm ready to listen. But he's looking at his legs stretched out before him. He's in his own world now.
"He was a mean drunk. Like really bad. Night after night he'd pound on my mom..." he's afraid to say it "...pound on my brother and me. The fun nights..." A sarcastic chuckle falls from his lips "...The really good ones were when he was strung out too. The nights he ran out of blow. Those were the nights the cops came. Those were the ones mom would wake up with swollen eyes and a dried bloody nose." His eyes become far away, and I know they're not looking in on snow days.
"The bruises on my back lasted weeks after those nights."
He bites his lip. He coughs. He fidgets. He's trapped inside black. He's living inside it. I grab his hand.
"I cried the nights he didn't come home. Because I knew we were safe. I knew we were going to survive. Tomorrow would come. I was seven and that's what I dealt with. Other kids cried about the toy they didn't get for Christmas. I cried cause I was alive. I cried cause mom made it through another night. Seven years old and I wanted to save my mother. "
A long, meaningful pause.
"Seven years old and I wished I didn't have a father."
The words are heavy. The words are beyond my comprehension.
"I begged my mom, both my brother and I, we begged her to leave him. We just couldn't understand how she never listened. We couldn't understand why she wouldn't leave. I didn't understand that she was terrified. You know? Things are so simple when you're little. So cut and dry. Black and white. You don't see the grey till later. Till you're older. When life becomes complicated. When life becomes life."
His voice is shaky, his breath trembles.
"One day mom remembered the black and white. The cut and dry. She saw it, thank god, and saved us. She left him. A few years later she married David. He's a great guy, an amazing guy. He's the guy I started calling dad. He's the man who became my father."
I find his smile again.
"That's when life changed. We started coming out here. They started having kids of their own. That's when we had a real family. The days of survival were over. We started simply living. And finally I could breathe. Finally, I could sleep at night."
The heaviness dissolves slightly. Silence lingers, until he finally speaks again.
"So yeah, I've known people like that. And I've known the people who don't do anything about it."
Suddenly I feel guilty, I feel awful. I'm the person who didn't do anything about it.
"But those people...the terrified ones who only see the gray. I understand them." His face scrunches from looking into the sun "...because I've seen the grey."
His words allude to more, but his tone suggests he's not ready to share it. So I lightly smile at him.
"I've seen the grey."
The words leave my mouth before I can pull them back inside it. My brain thought and acted without including me. I know it's a sign. I know it's my mind telling me it's ready to talk. It's ready to get it all out.
It needs it. And so do I. Looking at Anthony, I see he's ready too.
"She was everything. Like everything. My best friend, family, girlfriend..." my voice is already choking, my eyes are already wet "...I loved her so much. God...so much." I can taste the tears on my lips.
"Shawn?"
I turn my weary eyes towards him, giving my answer with a quick nod. He holds my hand, letting me know I'm not alone. Letting me know he's right by my side. That we're crawling across dusty floors together.
"Things with us had always been perfect. She was perfect..." A shiver shakes my bones "...At least she always seemed it. I remember the exact day I realized they weren't, that she wasn't...perfect."
The tears slow me down the faster they fall.
"It was about seven months ago, the last time I went to the beach. She had been out all night. I hadn't heard from her. I didn't know where she was. And the worst part, what really kills me now? I wasn't worried..." I hiccup "...because that's just how things were. That's how they went. By the end..."
It's getting too scary. There are too many monsters. I need a pause. I need a break. Anthony squeezes my hand. He gives me what I need.
"By the end I hardly spent a night with her."
I sigh. I sigh with my life.
"I kind of knew what she was doing...but I didn't. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to see. But on that morning, I couldn't turn away from what was so bluntly before my eyes."
A thumb swipes away pools of tears from my face.
"It was early, really early, the sun had just risen. She called me. I wasn't expecting it. She never called. I remember how my heart dropped when the phone vibrated. I remember thinking 'this is it...this is really it. She's...gone.'
Cruel laughter slips between my lips. Laughter belonging to someone else.
"You'd think after hearing her voice, I'd be smart enough to learn from it. Learn from my fear. That moment where I thought she was gone...you'd think I'd care enough to make sure I never had to experience it again. I'd make sure to never lose her."
My head shakes quickly. I can't even think about that anymore. I can't get lost in the "what if's" and "if onlys". At least I'm smart enough now to know it's too late for that.
"She was on the beach, our beach right down the road. Her voice was so far away. I couldn't find her in it, you know? She was talking about things I couldn't understand and I didn't wait to find out their meaning. I got in my car and drove to her. My dropped heart from before, broke when I found her. When I saw her right in the middle of the sand, wrapped in her quilt, just lying there."
I'm shaking. I don't know why. The sun is so hot on my sweaty skin and I'm shaking so hard.
"I didn't run to her, I didn't scream, or shout. I just walked. I walked so slowly, like if I dragged it out, it wasn't real. If I took my time she'd disappear. I'd disappear."
"She didn't even move when I stood above her. Her eyes were wide awake, and she didn't even look at me. I laid down beside her, and looked into her lost eyes. I looked so hard, hoping I could find her. But all I found was her twitching jaw. It was my first clue. It was the way I always knew she was high. She was good at covering it up. She was almost perfect at it."
I glance down the beach.
"But she wasn't good enough and she definitely wasn't perfect. I took one look at that grinding jaw, and I knew she had partied."
I laugh. It's not light. It's not funny. It's instinct.
"I'm not a saint, you know, I'm not one of those 'hugs over drugs' people. It happens. People do it. But with her...with her it was different. She was living off them, you know? People were going to work. People were starting their day. And she was still living through the previous one. She was still looking for another line."
My breath comes faster.
"And that morning on the beach, she wasn't looking for one. She was on something entirely different. She was so strung out. I just laid there with her. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't move her but...I think part of me just didn't want to see it. I didn't want to make it real. And when you're dragging your girlfriend through the sand to the car, you can't avoid it. You can't ignore it. When it comes to that, reality is singing loud and out of tune right in your ear."
I close my eyes. I hold the silence for a moment. I brace myself to finish.
"But somehow...I did ignore it. Eventually we got off that beach. Eventually we went back to normal. And one week later..."
I open my eyes regretfully. Focusing on the sand between my legs, eying each grain, before I turn to Anthony.
"...exactly one week later, she was dead."
Anthony doesn't even wait a second before he draws me between his arms. I'm already weeping, blubbering against his hot skin. I'm harshly rubbing my eyes. My mouth stutters incoherent "sorry"s. He holds me so tight. He lets me weep. He lets me brand my tears into him. He holds the puddle I've become and he keeps it safe. He keeps it together.
He pools it between his safe arms. He holds me inside.
When my sobs subside, when my breath catches up with me, I feel him stroking my hair. I hear him whispering "it's ok." And I pull away, wiping my eyes.
"It's not ok..." a shaky breath "...it's...it's my fault."
His eyes widen.
"You can't believe that, Ashley."
"Yes I can. I can because it's true." I can't even look at him now. I can't face the reality, the truth. I don't want him to see the real me. The girl inside her own prison with hands fruitlessly reaching out between the cool bars.
"It's not true. It's not your fault. You were only seeing the grey."
I shake my head sadly, looking up to the sky "Oh great, the grey. The people who let others hurt themselves. Hurt other people. Yeah, I'm so proud."
"Oh don't give me that 'woe is me' bullshit."
My face shoots towards him, wide eyed and disbelieving, "what?"
"Don't' give me that cop out, ok? Don't run and beat yourself down into nothing. Especially when you don't get it, the grey, and you don't get it...do you?"
The silence flowing from my open mouth gives both of us my answer. He breathes deep. He searches out over the water, building his answer, finding the exact words.
"Grey is human, Ashley. It's compassion. It's sensitivity and understanding. It's love."
"Grey is making mistakes..." His hand squeezes my shoulder, his hand forces me to look at him "...and forgiving yourself for them." He looks into my eyes, really looks into them, he's not fucking around anymore. He's speaking from experience, and I'm finally listening
"Grey is life, Ashley, it's living. And not only should you live and breathe gray, you should feel fucking lucky to do it."
Everything hits me at once. Everything. Anthony's words. His life. What he's said and done. I'm feeling it. I'm believing it. I'm living it.
Those monsters under my bed. The monsters I've confronted. The ones I've beat down. I've opened them up. I've exposed them. And I can breathe. I can breathe so much easier.
Cause that's the thing about facing your demons. About peeking under your bed. When you hold your breath, shaking and shivering, you finally open your eyes. You finally look into the darkness. And you find nothing.
You're not scared. You're safe. You've survived it. You can sleep. Finally, you can close your eyes because you did it. Because you looked.
Because you're ok. And you finally realize it.
We sit there, side against side, hand holding hand. I rest my tired head on his shoulder. I let the salt water breathe over me. I accept it. I want it. I embrace it. Time passes, waves crash, and we're still here.
We're ok.
"What do you say..." Anthony's smooth voice draws me out of it, draws me into now, "...I finally show you around this place huh? Give ya the old island tour?"
I slowly face him, wearing the most appreciative smile I can muster, "I'd like that."
"That's what I'm talking about..." He stands, offering a hand to help me up "...I assure you Miss Davies, you are in excellent, safe hands."
Standing up, keeping his hand in mine, I seriously look at him. "Yeah...I am."
We hold onto the moment, eyes holding onto each other. I make sure he knows how much meaning sits inside my words. I make sure he knows what he's done for me. I make sure he knows that he'll never fully understand just how much he's done.
"Thank you Anthony."
And then I really make sure. I say the only thing left, the last and only thing I can give him.
He smiles. Really smiles. "Anytime, Ashley, anytime."
The moment washes over us. This moment that will live on because it's changed us. Because we both got inside, and because we'll never leave it.
We walk together, in our usual position, his arm wrapped around my shoulders, mine around his waist. The sun shines brighter on us. The sun warms our hot skin.
I smile as we reach the pavement. Our steps fall in time with each other.
"Ok I have to say something, it's probably offensive and you might hate me, but I'm sorry, I just can't keep this in anymore..."
His serious eyes turn towards me "Aiden?" a long beat, preparing me for what I already know is to come "...so gay."
I laugh. I laugh so loud.
"I mean, like really gay."
My laughter stops us from walking. I can't stop it and he joins in. We're hunched over. Hands on our knees, letting it all out. We're exhaling the heavy from our past, inhaling the lightness of now.
I laugh harder. I smile wider when it reminds me. When I think of last night. Of Spencer. Of everything. When I think about my life. The fact good things do happen. They are happening. The fact I'm with even better people. Really good people. People I want to know better. People who want to know me. People who like me.
I'm living grey.
And right there, under the Nantucket sun with Anthony by my side.
I'm loving it.