Today was a marathon. My marathon. I ran like I never have before. Barefoot and terrified. That beach, my course, my track, it stretched me to my limits. It rung me out. Limb by limb, it bent me back, tied my legs, choked my hands. Breathless and spent, I watched the finish line approaching. I could taste it in my restless, watering mouth. I was right there, finger tips reaching towards ribbon. And while it feels like I barreled through it, while I wish I had. I know that's still to come. I know there are more legs to this marathon.

I know there's more running. More wearing, tearing, and unwinding.

But tonight, on this crisp and fresh night, I'm taking my time. I'm bent over, slippery hands holding wobbly knees, glancing up at the life saving sun. Feeling every inch of it on my sweaty back.

Tonight is catching your breath. Tonight is collapsing and spreading across the floor. Laying your flat body out, feeling so spent.

And never feeling better.

Tonight has wound me together again. A rubber band snapped in slow motion. A yo yo flying in reverse, rolling inside home.

Tonight is relief. Burden falling from breaking shoulders, like bricks crumbling. I've felt each one turn to dust. I've watched each one dance through the air. I can feel a broken frame sitting inside me. I feel more cement waiting to powder. The frame waiting to dissolve away. It is dissolving. Turning into a ghost I'll always feel but never see.

Tonight, I'm not feeling it, though. Tonight I'm not looking for ghosts, and I'm not hiding from them either.

Tonight is about enjoying the view. Standing back and taking in everything before me, like I used to. Seeing through the shadows of those same eyes. Right now, in this moment, those changed eyes admire how far I've come.

Proving just how changed they are. Proving just how far I've come.

New faces have smiled across our lawn, eager warm hands extended into mine. Polite "hello"'s and "how are you"'s exchanged. Polite turned comfortable turned real. Conversations grew and grew until they eventually breathed on their own. Bottles sipped, more and more drinks spilled.

I haven't drank that much. I haven't talked that much. I've observed. I've taken in. Kyla and Anthony smoking their cigarettes, truly becoming the butt buddies they so wittingly coined themselves earlier. I've watched them giggle, no doubt causing mischief in the shadows of this party.

I've watched it all right here, slouched in what is now my chair, designated as mine solely cause I've sat nowhere else. Everyone's learned. They've seen. They know to leave it for me. So here I sit, in my chair, planted right in front of the fire. The fire that will forever remind me of Spencer. Letting those same pricks of light ignite me. Remind me even more with each one. Gentle eyes seeping further inside with each flick and flame.

And then those gentle eyes are on me. I see her through the orange, Through the radiating heat. Out there in the grass, talking to Trevor with his cherub and child like face. Dark curls dangling over his bright and energetic eyes. I watch him engage Spencer best he can. Hands painting his words, cradling and cutting through the air.

But she's not listening. She hasn't been for a while now. We've been peeking looks. She's held them longer and longer. I think it's the wine glass in her hand.

She looks away first this time, but I don't leave with her. And she knows it. She knows she's left me behind. She comes back for me.

She smirks.

I smirk back.

"Hey you."

Kyla pulls me away this time. A chair scooting closer. Spencer's chair, but it's ok.

"...'nother beer?" She holds out a blanket, a way out, a cover up.

Tonight, I don't want one.

"Nah...I'm ok."

She looks over me and easily smiles, something dawning on her, "You are, aren't you?"

I glance down, a moment, a beat, before I return to her. With a small smile and nod.

"Good." Whispers inside the bottled beer meeting her lips.

We both sigh in relief. I think we're both doing it for me. The barbeque swirls around us. But through it all, I still hear Anthony. I smile as I see him exclaiming something to Aiden. Clueless and naïve Aiden.

"How's Aiden?"

She looks over towards the pair, a grin living on her lips, I think she knows what we've all suspected. Typical Kyla doesn't care. She never has.

"He's fun."

"Yeah?..." My eyebrows rise, sarcasm oozing from my mouth "... could he possibly be the the one that's gonna settle you down?"

"A..." Her eyes roll over towards me, "...no."

A heavy silent beat.

"Yeah, didn't think so."

We laugh down both our beers together. The empty bottle rests between my hands. I squeeze it once. I place it on the ground between us.

"And Spencer?"

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes.

"What..." Kyla laughs through her words in her own comforting way, "...I'm just asking how she is!"

"Uh huh" My head slants, mouth opened, jaw clenching it in place.

"All I'm saying is I like her, is that such a crime?"

She shrugs her shoulders feigning innocence while my eyes crawl back to Spencer.

"No..." smiling wider "...no it's not."

I glance back over to Kyla. She's dressed in victory, winning a battle she never needed to fight. And she knows it.

"Hey."

A calm voice draws me from Kyla. Glancing up, I find Spencers happy face standing above me, a crooked smirk filing her lips halfway.

"Hey" gently leaves my lips.

Spencer looks at us amused, "Having fun over here?"

"Too much." Kyla giggles into her bottle.

"Seriously," eyes widened, playful teasing filling my voice "...how many of those have you had?"

"Who knows, I stopped counting..." she squints in serious serious thought "...actually that's a lie, I never started counting in the first place."

Kyla rumbles with laughter, finding her own joke far too funny. Spencer joins in too, laughing far too much. And I realize I'm the only sober one in this trio. Happily wedged between drunk and drunker.

I'm still not sure which is which.

I decide now is a good time to really look at Spencer. Now's a time I can get away with it. I tilt my head back, finding her lazily smiling at us both. She's relaxed. Very relaxed. She's in cruise control, letting the wine do the driving. It's perched on her shoulder telling her to do all she wouldn't normally. Like the hand she has wrapped around the back of my chair. Like the way I can feel her fingers fidgeting ever so slightly against my back. Just the faintest touch. Like linked pinkies. A dangling line, letting me know she's there. Letting me know she might be waiting for me to bite.

No one's saying anything. No one's doing anything. No one but Spencer and those teasing fingers. Whispering against me in the same way as before, but I feel it even more now.

I so feel it.

And then Kyla gets the gist. Kyla senses the dangling line between us. Senses things unfolding that exclude her.

"Well I'm just gonna..." Quickly jumping to her feet, she fumbles, tripping over herself and she giggles, she giggles a lot "...yeah...I'm just gonna go over here."

There aren't even words for Kyla's exit, it speaks for itself, so I let it do the talking. I let it carry that situation away from us with every sloppy step she makes. I just shake my head as she stumbles over towards the boys.

"Finally!" Spencer exclaims, plopping down in her chair, inching it closer to my chair at the same time. "I've been eying this baby all night."

She smiles over at me, a new found shyness forming over her face, like the pink beneath the tan on her cheeks.

We're both quiet. Casually looking at one another, trying so hard to not look too long. But she eventually stays long. She keeps with me. She links hands with my eyes. A soft "hi" barely pours through her open smile.

I hold her gaze, whispering "hi" right back at her.

Silence lingers on until we both giggle. We both shyly shake our heads, because we've just entered a new world. And we both know it. We're twirling our fingers, we're occupied with the fire, we're busying ourselves. Because this new world, it's intimate. It's full of hidden meaning.

Secret meaning found in everything. Found between two letters of a simple greeting.

"I feel like I haven't talked to you all night."

"That's because you haven't."

"Good point."

Holding my eyes once again, she searches for the right words. Searching for her next move, because whatever this is, it's not conversation anymore. This is a game. This is chess. Suddenly we're contemplating and strategizing. Each word means something. Each word brings us closer to something we're unsure of.

Each word is stepping over foreign lines and terrifying me. I don't know how to play this game. I don't know the rules. I have no clue how to win. I don't even know if there's supposed to be a winner.

But maybe that's the point. Maybe we're just playing to play. Maybe we're only moving to see where we're going.

"So Ashley..." Eyes crawling over a wine glass bottom, she sips through a sly smirk "...are you enjoying your night?"

Something ignites in my stomach. Something heavy and confused. I don't know what's going on right now, and what's even more scary; I think I like it.

"Definitely..." Biting my lip, I go for a safe route "...you?"

"I am..." Wine swirling below a lingering look, "...now."

Spencer should have said 'check mate' because whatever game this is, I'm pretty sure she just won. I'm a blubbering mess. I'm coughing into a tight fist. Eyes flicking over the fire before us. I'm laughing. I'm laughing deep from inside my chest.

I'm nervous, I'm unsure. I'm doing anything to make it look like nothing. I'm icing over burnt cakes and throwing rugs over dirty laundry.

Except, I don't even know what I'm covering up.

Spencer isn't moving to blanket anything. She's not laughing, she's just smiling. She's so comfortable. She's so in her element. She's too inside her element. She's drunk, and I'm not.

We're both outside of our elements here.

I tilt my head back. Staring at the stars as a moan with a mind of its own pushes out of me. A moan that says "what are you doing".

Thinking it over, I decide to make that move. I'm seconds away from joining this game, ready to throw out the obvious question. Ready to throw off the cover up and just get it out there. I started running in the right direction this morning, why not keep doing it. Why not take the risk, why not run another leg.

"Spence..." slowly turning towards her, "what are we - "

"Cabs here!"

Anthony's voice stops the risk. Anthony's voice tackles me to the ground. I watch everyone flock towards the van in the driveway.

The game's over. For now, the game's sitting on pause. This is half time. And as the cab honks behind me, cutting through our silence, I only realize it more.

"Just so you two know..." Anthony strides towards us, with Kyla and Aiden closely behind "...you're off the hook for tonight, but you're coming out with us tomorrow."

Kyla grunts with an exasperated "tomorrow?"

"Stop whining Davies, you love it." Anthony throws her a wink, before wrapping me in his arms. Kyla's chuckled "yeah I do" fades into the background, as he holds onto me. As he holds me like he holds Spencer. I can feel the fun Anthony taking a backseat as beach Anthony takes the wheel. As beach Anthony says thank you. He says it so clearly, so seriously. He says it like he means it.

He pulls away, and I see it. I see him holding my cards. I see them held closely inside his chest. Just like Spencer's, he'll protect them. Protect me. And when I need him to, he'll bluff. He'll bluff through long division. Bluffing till he figures it out.

And as he hugs Spencer, I realize I'm holding his cards too. I'm storing them inside that locked safe, where no one can touch them. I'm protecting them. Protecting him. I always will.

One last hug from Kyla, one "I love you sis" whispered in my ear, and they're gone.

It's just Spencer and me now. Standing above our chairs. Inching back towards that checkered board we left moments before. I can't remember where the pieces were. I can't remember where we left off. Judging from Spencer's stiff body, I don't think she knows either.

She glances over towards me, I glance over towards her.

"So..." whispers so quietly from her lips. The word dangles out there just like her hands on the back of my chair.

Tying my fingers like sneakers tightly laced to the top, I'm still not biting her bait.

"...so..."

I'm still too afraid. I'm still wondering if there really is a line waiting for me.

"Just us again, huh?"

"Yup..." One awkward chuckle "...just us."

She's clearing her throat. But it sounds more like we're getting back into our game.

"So, you had a good day with Ant?"

Safe ground.

"Yeah..." I smile thinking back on our liquor store adventure, the ease between us, the endorphins that ran through my body. "...yeah I did."

"What'd you guys do?"

"Not that much..." I shrug with possibly the biggest lie of my life, but I'm not ready to share those intimate details. This conversation that's not really a conversation isn't the place for them. This game we're playing shouldn't involve showing cards. This game shouldn't involve my cards at all.

So I try to act casual. I look over towards the kissing tree. I look and form the words for a lying truth

"...We hung out, you know, he showed me some of the island and...just..." my voice softens, "...went to the beach."

I try to say it so casually, so normally. But you can't fake normal. And you can't hide a marathon.

"Oh yeah? What'd you do there?"

Spencer knows. She sees something brewing beneath. She's curious. She's asking. And I'm getting nervous.

"Nothing, just..." I pick at my jeans, "...talked."

"What about?"

I sigh, wishing we were back inside the game with wooden pieces, where things didn't matter. But we're not there and these pieces are real. So real. These pieces are my life, my cards, and Spencers pushing them together. She's weaving through the ones that don't matter, getting closer to all the ones that do. She's getting closer to everything.

"Nothing."

With one word, I close her off. Whatever we had all night, whatever we worked towards, it's gone now. We're back to twirling food and gripping things between our hands.

Except I have nothing to hold onto this time. Except I can't hide beneath my liquor. This time, things are out in the open.

I'm too scared to look at her. I don't know why. It only scares me more. I can hear her breathing, I can hear her fidgeting. The silence is becoming too loud. My fear is becoming too much.

I look at her. She's looking at me. Her face is unreadable. Her face almost looks sad.

"I'm sorry." I'm trying to get us back there. I want to be back inside that other world.

But she doesn't say anything. She's not budging. So I keep trying.

"I just-"

"Forget it"

I have to work harder. I take a time out, inhaling a deep breath, I jump back in.

"Spencer..." It's my turn to throw out a line for her. It's my turn to try and get her to bite. I need her to, I need her to accept my invitation because the only thing I'm scared of now is her running away. And I know it's only a matter of minutes till she does. I can see it in her guarded eyes. I can see it in her arms crossed over her chest.

"Nah, it's fine..." her sweatshirt covered hand pats the wooden arm twice, before she stands, "...I'm pretty tired so I'm just gonna go to bed."

She's gone before I even realize it. She's gone and I'm still here. In my chair that doesn't feel like mine anymore. The fire is dying out, literally, symbolically. Once again I'm alone. I'm so alone.

I don't want to be. I don't want to be outside anymore. I'm tired of it. I don't want her to run away. I don't want it to be my fault.

And for once, I'm going to do something about it.

I'm up on my sober feet in no time, going to her. I don't even know what I'm going to say. I don't even know what I'm running towards, but I'm gonna do it. This is another leg to my marathon. This might be harder than the beach. This might take more out of me.

But then again, this might feel better.

I stand before our door, just like last night. I brace myself, just like last night. But I know this is nothing like last night.

One deep breath, and I walk inside. The lights are out. Her bed is full. And she's not even acknowledging my scared feet creaking across the floor. I sit on the inside of my bed, watching her beneath the covers. Seeing the way her body rises and falls. I can tell she's out of breath.

"Spencer..."

Nothing.

A deep breath pushes out of my lips, "You're really not gonna talk to me?"

She laughs defensively "I could ask you the same thing."

"I'm sorry, ok?"

Nothing.

"It's so easy for you to shut me out, isn't it?"

Silence.

"Jesus, Spencer, you walk away from me so easily. You always do. And that's why I can't open up. That's why I close myself off."

It stays so still for a moment, before she rolls over. "What are you talking about?"

My feet drag me in directions I don't recognize. They're moving me through places I never knew of. These roads are dark and scary. But somehow I keep running. Somehow I know just where to trudge next.

"All you do is shut me out Spencer, whenever I get too close you back away. It scares me. I want to talk to you. I want to tell you things. I want to tell you everything. But I'm afraid."

More silence.

"Why?"

"Because..." It's a step forward, but I need a step back. I'm not so sure about these roads. I'm not so sure I trust these guiding feet anymore. These feet that are so tired. This body that's stretched too thin. I'm not sure I can keep running this race. I'm not so sure I want to keep playing this game.

Closing my eyes, I think I might just throw in the towel for the day. Lying down on my bed, I'm ready to blow the whistle on it.

"...I don't know, Spence...I don't know."

And like that I give up. I give in. It's over. I'm spent and I'm done. I don't know where I was going before, but I know I can't do it. I know I don't have that fight in me tonight.

So I stay still. I lie there, listening to Spencer's breathing time with mine. Hearing our words echo in my ears. Feeling her gentle eyes over a fire.

Wishing we were back there. Wishing we were giggling inside our chairs.

Slowly an easy silence begins to flush over the room. It's so strangely comfortable. Somehow, it calms me. My eyes are growing heavier. My breathing is slowing. My mind's not working anymore. Finally I'm not thinking.

I could fall asleep right here. Right here in my clothes and straight on my back

And then a soft hand rests on my shoulder. A Soft hand opens my eyes. Timid fingers wake me right up.

"Spencer?"

I whisper her name so softly. So afraid it's a dream. So afraid if I say it any louder I'll wake up. Even more afraid that it might be real. Even more afraid that if I speak any louder she'll run away.

But it's not a dream and she's not running away. She's wrapped in her blanket on the edge of my bed.

There's a new warmth inside her. There's a new ease, like she felt the comfortable silence from before. Like she's just as tired and exhausted as me. Maybe she's done with games and running for tonight too.

We stay there just like that, her hand curled over my shoulder, eyes linked, nervous smiles connected. I can feel my breath picking up. I feel my heart pumping throughout my whole body. Her eyes quickly glance over my rising chest. I think she feels my heart too.

Her fingers gently, nervously, stroke over my warm skin. Her eyes never leaving mine. We're not ready to break contact anytime soon.

And I'm terrified.

Yet again we're inside another game, but this is heavier than anything I've ever played before. This is everything. This is life.

This is grey.

She leaves me for the briefest moment, and I watch her every move. I watch with nervous eyes as she timidly joins me on my bed. I swallow hard as she places almost all of herself on top of me. Wrapping us inside her blanket, face resting right beside mine on our pillow. Her hand grabs my waist. Pulling me closer.

Every one of her hot pants sit on my cheek. Just like last night, but nothing like last night. This time I feel it so real. This time it burns inside me. Hotter than any fire. Brighter than any sun.

Her fingers leave my skin, briefly sticking before fully detaching. Her hand hovers over my body, I can feel it shaking. I can feel it in the same way she can feel the heart that's thumping inside my chest.

Her trembling hand settles down on mine. It sits there like it's clueless on what to do next. It still seems lost as it glides up my arm, slowly, fumbling along the way, so afraid to make full contact.

I'm so afraid.

Shy, seemingly inexperienced, fingers trickle over my shoulder towards my neck. My breaths become so heavy, each one hitching in my throat like cars driving over bumps in a road.

It doesn't deter her though, she bravely keeps going. Cradling my collarbone. Thumb sweeping over my pulse point. Sweeping my eyes closed. Changing everything. This isn't a teasing line anymore. We're fishing deep inside a dark sea. We're both starting to bite.

A long pause of nothing gives away our shaking bodies. Our shaking bodies that are slowly trying to still together. Trying so hard the further her leg crawls across mine. The more paths her fingers draw over my skin.

Suddenly she's so close. Her lips a breath away from my ear. I can hear her broken breaths mixing with mine.

This is so much. Too much. I can't swallow. I can't breathe.

"...Spence..." My voice sounds so worn in. So worn out. She pauses. She knows we're both on the verge of something big, we're both standing on an edge too scary to look over. Her lips are so close, her warm breath breathes inside me. I feel a hot tear drop down my neck. I know it's not mine.

I inhale sharply as she slides over me. Legs falling between legs. Body pressed to body. Head fitting beside mine.

"I don't want to shut you out, Ash." The words are so shaky, so nervous, I almost miss them. I almost wonder if she really said them.

She becomes so still on top of me before her arms slide beneath my body. Before she hugs onto me so tightly. Her hands bunch my shirt against the mattress. Her fingers push against me. She pulls me so close to her. Our bodies fit together so perfectly, so urgently. So desperately.

"Spencer..." My hands timidly hold her hips, so afraid to ask, but needing to know "...what are you doing?..."

Her face burrows further into my neck. Her tears mix with mine. Everything is so silent as she breathes inside me.

"I'm pulling you in, Ash..."

Voice breaking. Hands twisting my shirt, fingers kneading my flesh.

"...I'm pulling you in."