Hot fingers shift inside a curved spine. They stroke. They move further down the dented line, tips rolling over each bump, each vertebrae. An instinctive hand slides over a shallow, tiny waist, cupping a bony hip.

Her hip. My hand.

My eyes open.

I'm feeling her. So acutely. I'm breathing her. So completely.

Bodies share a bed. My bed. Faces share a pillow. My pillow.

Sleeping together beneath one thick blanket. We are safe. We are exposed.

We are one.

Her fingers ring my riding shirt between them. Bunching the bottom hem. Bunching so tight. Never letting me go. Through the night, through her dreams, she kept me close. Kept me with her. Kept pulling me in.

Kept true to her words.

Warm breath pushes past heavy lips. Hitting my neck in the exact same spot with each one. A Chinese water torture of hot broken pants against sensitive skin.

They make my sleepy lips smile.

Lashes tickle my throat. Lashes search. Faster. Desperate. Fingers quickly release cotton, before frantically clenching again. Careful not to disturb the form beneath.

Careful not to disturb me.

Her breath stills along with her entire body. So careful. Eyes still flinch, face still pressed against me, into the curve of my neck. Resting below my chin.

My hand stays right with her. Fingers holding her hip. So silent.

So careful.

Body shifting, her legs slide out from the covers. I can feel it. Her leaving me. Her pulling away. Her going back on her words.

She can't. I don't want her to.

"don't..."

I whisper inside our pillow. So soft. So hesitant. She stills, half under our blanket. One leg between mine. One leg to the floor.

"...don't go."

My curious fingers trace over her goose bumped skin. She waits against me. She thinks. Weighs a decision.

She turns around. She's not so careful. She's smiling.

She whispers.

"ok."

Her body searches for where it once was. Trying to refill it's indentation in the white sheets. It's awkward. It's impossible.

Steps can't be retraced and memories can't be replayed.

But she does her best. She fits her body beside mine. Wraps an insecure hand around me.

Eyes to eyes, nose to nose, lips to lips.

We are one again.

She stares down on my mouth. I stare into her eyes. Catching tiny mascara clumps around them. Following their faded tracks down her cheeks. Ghost of her tears. Footprints of her sadness. Like ice on a dark road.

I feel so safe here. What was so scary in the dark, is only comforting now. Inside the light. Under our covers.

"watcha lookin at?"

Her voice is scratchy. So private. So honest.

My cheeks blush, sleepy embarrassment pushing through my bronzed skin. I quickly laugh, hoping it'll extinguish the pink, as my eyes trail over her cheeks.

Hesitant for a moment, I pull my hand from beneath the covers. I move it from the darkness, driving down an even darker path. It's rocky and dirty. I have my headlights off. My seatbelt undone. Testing roads. Blindly making right turns. Hoping to anything holy I'm going the right way. Hoping I'm going somewhere good. I'm going where I need to go.

"...nothing..."

I pray. I hope. I wish. I need these untouched roads to be safe. I need them to lead me home.

"...just..."

She watches my fingers so intently. Fixes on them tracing above her dried skin. She breathes so hard. The damp air hits my palm. Drips down my wrist.

"...this..."

My callous-less fingertips finally connect with her skin. Her eyes close. Her breath trips.

I follow her tears. Her fear. I relive them. I feel them.

I blend myself in.

I paint myself inside her pain. Sharing it. Pushing her inside me. Sharing everything we both hide so well beneath our blanket.

"what..." her eyes flick over my fingers, trying to see the impossible "...what are you doing?"

I freeze. For just a moment now. Eyes looking back into eyes.

"I'm..." deep breath, full composure "...I'm pulling you in, Spence."

Everything stops.

She remembers.

Her fear. Her tears. Everything exposed.

I stroke her cheek again. I stroke firmer. I push myself inside her.

"I..." She stutters, she's flushed. My thumb sweeps her lips closed.

"it's ok."

And it is. It really is. I can't describe it. I can't understand it. But somehow, her body beside mine. My skin on hers. Everything is ok. And I don't need to understand it. I don't need to describe it.

Because it just is.

"Last night..."

She's trying though. Searching out explanation. Searching for reasons why.

We don't need them.

"Spence...last night..." my thumb follows the slide of her chin, pulling her eyes into mine. "Thank you."

Pulling her inside.

She nods. She smiles a faint smile. One she wasn't expecting. Displaying a mouth no longer needing to explain.

"I'm..."

But mine does. Mine's ready to do some explaining. Explanations that aren't searching for reasons. Explanations that are giving them. To her. To myself. And she's ready to hear them. Her fingers tentatively move across my skin. Swimming through the river between my shirt and boxers.

A deep breath.

"I'm afraid Spencer."

Her fingers stop swimming. Her fear creeps inside. I need to pull it out.

"no, no, no. I didn't...I didn't mean..." A reassuring hand snakes around her back, slides beneath "...I'm not afraid of you Spence."

"oh."

I still need to reach inside. I still need to cover her with my blanket. With my truth. With my everything.

"I'm afraid of losing you Spence. That's what I'm afraid of. That I'll show you who I am, what I've done, who I've been and..." I look down between us, too scared to look inside now. "...you'll leave. You won't want to be..." eyes chance looking, eyes run away again "...you won't want to be here, next to me."

Her fingers hug my chin, they hold me inside, they hold me up. She's ready to talk, to reassure me, to tell me how wrong I am.

I won't let her.

"But that's not the only thing. I'm even more afraid, that'll I'll lose you because...because I don't ask. I don't try to know. There's something buried inside you Spencer..."

She fidgets, she backtracks. I need to find her again. I need to slide back inside.

"hey no, it's ok, I'm not gonna ask. I promise."

She stays. She's relieved. And I am too.

"The thing is, I'm so used to not asking. That's who I've always been. I've shut my eyes to the bad stuff right in front of me. The stuff I didn't want to be true. Because if I just ignored it than it wasn't true. That's what I believed. That's how I saw things..."

Breathing everything possible inside me.

"...That's how I saw Shawn."

Exhaling every ounce back out.

"I never wanted to see her. So I never did. I never tried to know her..."

My chin trembles between her fingers. My composure breaks inside her walls.

"...and I'm starting to believe I never did. I never really knew who she was. I only knew who I wanted to know. I believed what I wanted to believe. I never asked why she did what she did. Why she needed to hide."

My voice chokes.

"How terrible am I? Seriously, how shitty am I? That I just watched her. I watched her drink, I practically handed her the bottle. I watched her snort line after line. I said nothing. I never asked the one thing I should have. I never asked her..."

Rain filled silence.

"...Why. I never asked her why. I never asked her what demons lived inside her. What scary monsters hid under her bed. What she needed to hide from. And it was because I was selfish."

"No you weren't Ash-"

"No, Spence, I was. I was so selfish. I was so afraid. If I asked her those questions, the hard ones, she'd shut me out. She'd leave me. I'd lose her. But what's really awful, what makes me so selfish. If I asked...God, if I asked her those questions, if I faced it, if I really saw her... I'd still lose her. Because I'd see her, and it wouldn't be the same person. I'd finally see her, and I'd lose the only thing I ever knew."

The rain pelts harder against our window. The rain drowns my guilt, washing it away. Giving me air to continue.

"The only person who was anything to me. She was my everything. And yet, I couldn't give her the one thing she needed. I didn't give her what she needed. I didn't give her something to hold onto. I should have been her bottle, her line, what she turned to. But I wasn't, and now she's gone. She's gone and I'll never know. I'll never know what scared her. I'll never know what she ran from. And I'll never know who she was. The girl who meant everything to me. The girl I shared my life with was the girl who just might have been a stranger all along."

"Ashley..." fingers trace my sadness, fingers follow my tears, fingers burn into me, blending inside, "...you knew her." A thumb presses into my words, pushing them back behind my lips "...you did. You knew what she let you know. And that's all you can ask for. That's all there is. You can only take what someone gives you."

And there it is. The truth. Both our eyes watch the space between us, as her words, her truth, rings inside our hypocritical ears.

We're both silent. So silent. For so long.

"I'm sorry Ashley."

My eyes widen. As she builds courage to keep going.

"I don't give you enough."

She's shaking her head, biting her lip.

"No." I pull her closer without realizing it, I need her closer, so much closer, "...please, Spencer, don't apologize, that's my whole point."

Confusion sits inside her eyes.

"That's what I'm trying to get at. I was afraid that I'd make the same mistakes with you. That I'd...that I would ignore what's inside you. I'd ignore the person you really are for who you give me. For who I want to see. Because it's easier, because it's not real. And then I'd lose you, just like Shawn. Just like I lost her long before the car accident. Because I never found her. I never had her to lose. I only had what I had created..." tears slip down wet paths. "...and I don't want that to happen with you. God, I can't have that happen again."

She nods slowly, she understands. She gets me. But I'm not done.

"I finally realize it, though. I get it now, Spencer. I know that's not gonna happen. That won't happen. Because..."

I'm terrified.

"...because you're not Shawn."

It pushes me down a step. She pulls me back up.

It's still there, though. This fact. This reality. Shawn is gone. And something new sits beside me. Someone new. Someone real.

Someone different.

Someone with memories waiting to be made. Someone with love waiting to give.

"I'm not going to lose you Spencer. I know I'm not. It's not gonna happen because I won't let it, ok?" My hand cups her face, so close to mine "...I'm here for you. I'm here for it all. Whenever you wanna give me more to take. Whenever you wanna show me more to see. And I'm ready. I'm ready whenever you are."

My wet warm lips smile.

"I'm ready to meet Spencer."

She smiles. She really smiles. Something lifts so heavy from my chest. Something so tight unclenches my heart.

I can breathe so easy. I can breathe because she believes me. Because I've reached inside. I've finally seeped inside.

"Thank you."

The words draw across my chest. Our bodies, closer than I remember, fit together. So perfectly. Her hand on my back, so natural. My hand on her face, so right.

Everything feels so right. Everything is ok.

"Alright lovebirds..." Anthony kicks open the door.

We all stop. She's frozen into me. I'm frozen into her. And Anthony is frozen in the doorway. For the first time looking speechless.

Speechless till a goofy grin fills his lips.

"Lovebirds, indeed. God, I am so always right..." he quirks an eyebrow at me, reminding me of the first time I met him. "...I told you Ashley."

"Shut up ass." Spencer laughs as she throws a pillow at him.

"Oh you both know I'm right..." He watches us watching each other, awkwardness sliding between, and without missing a beat, he builds a dam, stopping it. "Whatever ladies, just get your sexy selves out of bed...we've got a rainy day outside, and plenty of games out here for me to kick your asses in."

Before we can say anything. He's gone, door wide open behind him.

And it's just us. Just us in our bed. With our pillow. Our blanket. And everything laid out between.

She looks at me. I look at her. Awkwardness finding its way inside again. Tension growing between us.

"Well?" She's rebuilding Anthony's dam.

"Well?" I'm helping. I'm handing her bricks.

"Well..." She puts them away. She grabs my hand. "...looks like I'm about to school you in rummy 500."

I'm up on my feet, laughing with her, holding her hand.

"Looks like I'm about to feed you your words Spencer Carlin."

We stumble out into the hall. Linked hands never untying.

Everything feels right.

My headlights flicking on. My seatbelt buckling. The scary roads brightening. The terrain evening. These roads I've turned down. These dark roads I've chanced. I can see them now.

And as she glimpses back, giving me an inside smile, our laughter bouncing off every surrounding wall, I finally feel it.

I finally feel where they've taken me. Where I've ended up.

These roads I've trembled down. These roads I've risked everything on.

They've given me everything I've wanted.

They've taken me exactly where I've needed to go.

These bright roads.

They've lead me home.