Chapter Five
Starting Over

By the time Rinoa and Irvine made it to Balamb Garden the following day, it was late afternoon, and Rinoa was beyond exhausted. Thankfully, Justina Warner had already gotten in contact with Xu, and the paperwork was already done for the "guests". Luckily, it was commonplace for potential students to come and stay at Garden, so nobody made a big deal about it.

"Welcome to Balamb Garden!" Xu said warmly, greeting them at the front gate. "We're always so glad to entertain prospective SeeDs! Would you care for a tour this afternoon?"

Looking around the all-too-familiar building, Rinoa felt a lump starting to form in her throat. So, Xu didn't recognize them. Hyne, Irvine was right. They didn't remember her. She shook her head firmly, remembering her first tour of the Garden, with Squall. No, she didn't want another one. Not with Xu.

"I'm sorry. I'm exhausted from the trip," she said, hoping she sounded apologetic enough.

Xu nodded sympathetically. "Of course! I'm sorry, I wasn't even thinking! A trip from Trabia, I'm sure you are just beat!"

Rinoa wished she'd stop talking. She just wanted to go into whatever dorm they decided to put her in, and shut the rest of the Garden out. Maybe she'd just stay there until Cyrus decided to come back for her. She was having severe second thoughts. Maybe coming back here had been a mistake … how was she supposed to do this?

"I'll find someone to escort you to your rooms. I'd do it myself, but with the Headmaster gone, I really should be getting back to the office," Xu said as they entered Garden.

Rinoa gasped involuntarily at the familiar surroundings, and tears filled her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time that week. As Xu walked away, Rinoa grabbed the sleeve of Irvine's duster. "Hyne, Irvine, I … I don't think …"

"It's okay," he said calmly. "Rin, it's gonna all right."

"How?" Rinoa growled, a fierce sound that Irvine had not heard from her before.

They were interrupted, however, by Zell. Rinoa felt her heart leap when she saw the blond martial artist, and she wanted so badly to fling herself at him and hold him so tight. She'd missed everyone so much. But his next words halted her jubilation. "Hi, I'm Zell Dincht," he said, holding out his hand for Irvine to shake, then Rinoa. Rinoa bit her bottom lip as she shook his hand.

Just a few weeks ago, they had been friends. Best friends. Now, he didn't so much as give her a second glance. "Anyway, I'm supposed to show Irvine to his dorm. Uh, Rinoa?" he paused for a second, as though he were contemplating something, but then thought better of it. He shook his head. "Anyway … uh, they couldn't find any of your records, from Trabia?"

Rinoa's eyes widened. Irvine had told her what to say should this situation come up, but she hadn't honestly believed that no one would remember her. "Uh, well, they were destroyed. By the missiles? And there were more important things to deal with first," she said quickly, not meeting Zell's eyes.

He nodded his head, his hazel eyes sympathetic. "Oh, yeah, we figured it was something like that. But, uh, the Commander still needs to see you before you get settled in."

Rinoa nearly choked. "C-Commander?" Her eyes flashed to Irvine, and he nodded at her encouragingly. He was right, of course. The sooner she saw him, the sooner she could …

Well, what, exactly?

"It's standard. Anyone without proper records has to meet with him. I think it's stupid, personally," Zell said conspiratorially, causing Rinoa to smile for the first time since she'd been back. "Uh, well, if you just wait right here, he should be down any minute."

Rinoa nodded. "Okay," she said, hoping she sounded calmer than she felt. Irvine was going to leave in a minute, and she would truly be on her own.

Luck was on her side, though, because at that moment, Zell's girlfriend (well, was she his girlfriend any more?), walked by. "Hi, Zell," she said. Zell turned to talk to her, and Irvine seized the opportunity to speak to Rinoa without being overheard.

"Okay, Rin, this is a good thing, right?"

Rinoa thought she might be sick. "I dunno. I don't know if I can … How am I supposed to act like we've never met? I mean, that's the plan isn't it? So that we don't freak anybody out … act normal. It's one thing with Zell … it's something very different with Squall."

"I know. I know it's hard, darlin'," Irvine said in a low voice. "But we don't have a lot of other choices. If you go in, ranting and raving about everything, they'll think you're crazy. And crazy people don't get to become SeeDs." He cocked a grin at her, and she smiled half-heartedly back, though she begged to differ with his statement. It seemed to her that most people who were SeeDs were completely out of their minds.

"We can't have that," he continued. "You gotta gain his trust again. Just be yourself. He fell for you before. It'll happen again." He gave her shoulders a squeeze and turned back around to follow Zell down the hallway.

She watched him walk away, all of a sudden intensely aware of the fact that she was here, home. And yet, she was still a million miles away.

She heard two female voices coming up the corridor behind her, and she turned around, her eyes lighting up. Selphie and Quistis were deep in conversation, laughing animatedly about something. Sadly, she remembered times when she had been part of their group, right there, giggling and talking with them.

Selphie spotted her and smiled warmly, and for a second, Rinoa thought maybe it had just been Zell. The irrational part of her brain wondered if maybe he hadn't eaten some bad hot dogs, and the side effect was memory loss.

But then Selphie said, "Hi! I'm Selphie … are you one of the prospective students?"

"Uh, yeah," Rinoa said, feeling deflated. She picked her bag up off the ground and shouldered it. "Hi. I'm Rinoa."

She saw Quistis' brow furrow slightly. "Rinoa?" she repeated.

Rinoa's hopes soared again. "Yes?"

Quistis shook her head. "Nothing. I just … I think I've heard of you. Or someone with your name." She smiled, held out her hand. "Quistis Trepe. I'm an instructor here. Nice to meet you."

"Um, do you know where you're staying?" Selphie asked kindly, looking around. It was weird that they'd just leave a prospective student alone like this.

"I'm supposed to meet with Sq -- the Commander. Something about my records. I mean, because I don't have any … the missiles kind of …"

Selphie nodded earnestly. "Oh, say no more. You're from Trabia, huh? I used to go there. How's everything going up there?"

"It's slow, but everything is getting back to normal," Rinoa said, hoping that Selphie wouldn't ask too many questions. She wasn't sure she could remember everything that Irvine had told her about Trabia. Selphie had lived there, she didn't want to say something erroneous.

"I'm sorry that our Commander is keeping you waiting so long," Quistis broke in. "I'd like to say that he's been out-of-sorts lately, but that's not true. He's never really been in-sorts, if you follow."

Rinoa managed a genuine grin at that. That much was certainly true. "What? Is he a big pain in the ass?"

Selphie laughed appreciatively. "The biggest. How'd you know?"

"Oh! Uh, lucky guess?" Rinoa said uncertainly. "Um, we've heard, in Trabia, that the Balamb Commander is not really a very friendly guy."

"That's the understatement of the millennium," Quistis quipped. "Oh, and speak of the devil."

Rinoa turned around and saw him coming down the stairs that led to the elevator, and she froze. He was wearing his SeeD uniform, just like the first time she'd ever seen him, and he had a manila folder in his hands. He was rifling through it's contents, not looking at the people all around him.

Gods, she wanted to run to him, bury her face in the crook of his neck, and just breathe him. She wanted so badly to run her fingers through that tousled brown hair, to stare into those beautiful steel-blue eyes. She felt her knees start to shake and there was a moment where she honestly thought she might scream out his name. It was by sheer will alone that she didn't.She bit her lip and willed herself not to cry. How was she supposed to do this? How could he be just a heartbeat away from her -- and completely out of reach?

He was only steps away from her now, and finally he looked up. "Rinoa Heartilly?" he said, his eyes cool and unemotional as he assessed the girl in front of him.

Nothing. Not a flicker of recognition, or a glimmer of remembrance. Just cold, impossibly beautiful gray-blue eyes. Eyes that showed boredom, disinterest.

Suddenly, she was no longer able to stop herself. "Squall?" she said, as if saying his name would make him remember.

"It's Commander Leonhart, actua --"

"Damn it. Damn you," she whispered, more to herself than to him.

"Excuse me?" he said brusquely.

She shook her head, the pain in her heart so severe that she nearly yelped from it. "Nothing," she said wearily. She had to get away. If she stayed here, this close to him (Hyne, she could smell him … that leather and field-after-the-rain combination that could be no one but him), for much longer, she was going to break down. "You know what? I can't -- I can't do this right now, I'm sorry. I'm really tired from my trip. Can you just tell me where my room is?"

He exhaled loudly in annoyance. Just fucking great. As if he didn't have enough gods-damned problems to deal with. "Whatever," he muttered. "Quistis, Selphie, show her to her room. I've got work to do. As for you," he said to Rinoa. "Meet me in the library tomorrow at noon." He didn't wait for a response.

"My name is Rinoa," she hissed angrily at his retreating form. She turned to the two women who had watched her entire, stunning performance in silence, and she suddenly felt like the world's biggest idiot. "Oh, Hyne. I'm really not crazy. I know that's what all crazy people say …"

"It's okay," Quistis said gently. "You're very tired from your trip. And Squall tends to have that effect on women." She tried to make it a joke, but Rinoa didn't smile.

"Come on, Rinoa, your room's this way. I think they put you in the empty dorm next to mine," Selphie said, trying desperately to break the tension that was crackling in the air.

"Was it me?" Rinoa finally asked. "Did I do something wrong back there?"

Quistis shook her head. "No, you were fine. Unfortunately, that is Squall's normal attitude. Can you imagine the fun we have?"

"That's too bad …" Rinoa said quietly, as Irvine's words from earlier started to come back to her. You've gotta be yourself, Rin. Squall fell for you once, he'll do it again … "Be myself," she muttered. Starting now. She was starting right now. "Really too bad," she continued. "He's kind of cute." She grinned, and almost immediately, she amazingly felt a little bit better. On this at least, she didn't have to lie.

"You think Squall's cute?" Selphie said, raising her eyebrow at Quistis behind Rinoa's back.

"Well, yeah," Rinoa said, with a small shrug. "Don't you guys?" She hid her smile as she looked almost pointedly at Quistis.

"Sure, I guess," Selphie said. "He has nice eyes," she finally conceded.

"I noticed," Rinoa said.

"Oh, here's your room," Selphie said, stopping in front of a door, and handing Rinoa a keycard. "My room's right next door, so if you need anything, just knock okay? Even if it's four in the morning."

"Thanks, Selphie," Rinoa said, and she meant it. It hurt, though, to think of all the fun memories she had with these girls, knowing that they didn't remember them at all. She inserted the keycard and waited for the door to swish open. "I'll see you later." She tossed her bag into the corner of the room, and made sure her door was locked.

She went into her adjoining bathroom and peeled off her traveling clothes. She started a hot shower, and it was only after she was under the nearly-scalding spray that she allowed herself to cry. She sobbed until there were no more tears left in her eyes, beating her fists against the walls of the shower, cursing the gods and the fates and the heavens until she didn't have the strength to stand up any more. She sank down to the floor and drew her knees up to her chin. The water grew cold and she didn't care. What did it matter?

Suddenly she felt an overwhelming urge to just hit something. Recognizing the itchy feeling in her hands, she quickly turned off the water and hopped out of the shower. She dried quickly and dressed in an old pair of sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt. She tied her wet hair up into a ponytail, and grabbed her blaster edge from it's case. She hurried down the hallway to the training center, hoping that there weren't too many people there right now.

It was six o'clock -- dinner time. Hopefully she'd be alone.

xXx

He'd been on his way to the cafeteria when he saw her leave the dorms and head down the hallway toward the training facility. Too tired, huh? he thought to himself irritably. Whatever. He started to head back for the cafeteria again, and then growled, balling his fists. "Dammit." He cursed himself the whole way down the hallway, asking himself why the hell he even cared.

Stopping by his room for Lion Heart first, he followed her to the training center, preparing to lecture her on the rules of the facility -- Number One being that you never ever went in there alone. What he saw when he got there made him pause though.

She moved like a dancer -- graceful and quick, dodging the monsters' attacks with ease. He never would have admitted it out loud, but she had a killer body. He allowed his eyes to linger just a little longer than was probably necessary (or appropriate) on her backside as she evaded another attack.

He saw that she had a blaster edge strapped to her arm, but she was in the process of casting a spell. She finished the incantation and the Firaga spell that ensued was extremely impressive. She smiled triumphantly as the Grat went up in flames, and then whirled to face the Bite Bug that had ambushed her from behind.

"Bite Bugs don't like ice," he heard her whisper, and he almost found himself grinning. She talked to herself in battle … so did he. She began chanting another spell and the Blizzaga that she produced was ground-shaking. "Oops," she muttered. "Overkill, probably. Damn, I feel rusty. Next time, just Blizzara."

"Actually, you don't need anything stronger than Blizzard for the Bite Bugs in here," he said, and she jumped about a mile in the air.

She whirled around quickly to see who her intruder was, and felt her heart start to race. "Oh, my Hyne, Sq -- Commander," she amended. "You scared me to death!" she gasped, putting her hand over her chest. She smiled a little, unable to help herself. He was still Squall, dammit. Still her Knight, whether he knew it or not. "What are you doing here?"

Her smile made his throat go dry. What the hell is your problem, man? This girl's just another prospective student -- another pain in the ass that YOU have to deal with while Cid's off doing … whatever the hell Cid does. He cleared his throat. "Well, actually, no one's allowed in here by themselves," he said, all business once again. "I have to enforce the rules, so you're going to have to leave and come back later with a partner."

Rinoa looked around, considering for a moment. "What about you, Commander?" she said, cocking her head to the side. "Unless you have a more pressing engagement, of course."

He didn't say anything, and Rinoa was suddenly reminded of a dance, nearly a year ago, where she'd had to drag an unwilling partner onto the floor. The start. Her eyes twinkling, she walked over to him. "C'mon, let's you and me dance with these monsters." She reached for his wrist, and he jerked back at the touch almost immediately.

You're the best-looking guy here … Dance with me?

The image flashed into his mind so swiftly and suddenly that he actually stumbled. A party … a girl in a white dress, smiling at him, holding out her hand. The familiar pain in his head, and suddenly he was back there, at that dance. The faceless girl in white was there, the same girl that had been haunting his dreams for over a week now. Who was she? A dream? Or something else entirely?

Now they were on the dance floor, and he was tripping and stepping on her toes, and she was laughing -- it sounded like the tinkling of silver bells in his ears. He tried to leave, but she pulled him back. He turned around and her face started to become clearer …

"Squall! Squall!" Another voice … a different girl. Calling him back to the present, away from the dance floor. Back in the training facility.

"Quistis?" he mumbled, as the blonde's face came into view.

"You've got to stop making a habit of this," the instructor said grimly. "That's the fifth time this week."

"Where'd she go?" he asked as he sat up, looking around for the girl … Rinoa.

"Rinoa? She came to get me, she said you'd collapsed in here. She didn't follow me back here though, she was very upset," Quistis explained. "What happened?"

He shook his head irritably. "It doesn't matter. That girl came in here alone, like an idiot, and I followed her to inform her of the rules of our Garden."

"And you collapsed? For no reason at all?" Quistis said carefully.

Squall stood up, tired of all the questions. How was he supposed to explain to everyone that he was dreaming about a girl he'd never met, and that she was even interrupting his normal, day-to-day activities. He couldn't, because he didn't know. "I'm tired. I'll see you tomorrow."

"You should stop by and let Rinoa know you're okay," Quistis called after him. "She was really worried."

"Whatever," he muttered. "You tell her!" he called back to Quistis as he exited the room. "I'm going to bed."

xXx

"He always cuts me off right before …" Ellone said in frustration.

"It's because he knows the truth will change everything. And he's not sure he's ready for it," Edea said. "I know my children."

"But Rinoa doesn't have a lot of time … it's not like before. She's got under two months before Cyrus takes her back and finishes what he started.. It took Squall that long to even talk to her civilly the first time, Matron," Ellone remarked.

"But the hard part's already done, Elle," Edea replied calmly. "He already loves her. The bond has already been formed. He just doesn't know it right now. We'll try again tomorrow."

xXx

What the hell are you even doing here, Leonhart? Squall cursed himself for his idiocy as he stood outside Rinoa's door a few minutes later. Sighing, he knocked.

A few moments later, she opened the door, and the surprise on her face was genuine. "Sq -- Commander! You're okay. Thank Hyne, you really scared me back there."

"Yeah, well, Quistis told me I should let you know. She said you were worried," he said stupidly. "Whatever."

She covered her mouth with her hand and laughed a little. So typically Squall. "Well, thank you for letting me know," she said after an awkward pause. "Or, whatever." She grinned at him slyly.

Damn! he thought suddenly. Damn, she's pretty…

"Anyway, don't forget to meet me in the library tomorrow at noon. We have to go over your, uh, lack of paperwork."

"Okay," she said quietly. "I'll see you tomorrow, Commander."

"Heartilly."

She shut the door and he walked away. Sighing, she leaned against the door as a single tear escaped the corner of her eye. Just when she thought she was all cried out … he went and did something so … so …

Squall.

Damn it! This was too hard. It wasn't fair. She knew everything that they were, everything that they were supposed to be … and he didn't remember any of it. She only hoped she'd be strong enough to get him back.

"Remember me," she whispered as she turned out the lamp beside her bed and crawled under the blankets.

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A/N: This is the chapter that did not want to end! lol I could NOT get to a good stopping point here. Anyway ... well, here it is. They're reunited. Sort of. Except it is most definitely not going to be that easy ... duh!

I just wanted to establish the fact that this isn't like the first time they fell for each other ... this time around, their bond has already been forged. Their fate has already been sealed, so to speak. So that's why it seems like it's all right there, right now. But Squall's got a lot of stuff that he needs to deal with, and none of this is going to be easy on Rinny. :( I can only imagine what it must feel like to love someone who doesn't even remember that you exist. So there's a lot more angsting before we get to the juicy bits. (Sorry! ;p)

Thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed so far. Hope you guys like this chapter!