Author's note- sorry for the wait. i have to be in an extremely emotional mood to write for this story :).
Disclaimer.
After a meaningless exchange of words in which she questioned my promise from Phoenix, I stood there motionless; feeling like quicksand was swallowing my legs. I tried not to breathe. Any inhale of her scent would have sent me crumbling to her feet, begging her to forgive me for even attempting this.
But I did breathe, and it had never smelled so wonderful. A pinch of pain twisted in my stomach as the sweet floral scent flooded into me. My mouth twitched waveringly. I had to do this. I had to save her. I had to protect her from…me. The trees seemed to scowl down at me, cursing me for the torrential words that were about to tear me up. Bella, I don't want you to come with me. My lips stung as the words passed through.
Had I just said that? I glanced frantically into Bella's eyes. And I could tell. Something fell behind Bella's eyes. God damn it. I had said it. I could almost see the white flag of defeat that waved behind her eyes. Her eyes…full of all of the innocence and rapture in the world, she diverted them quickly before turning them back onto me. They bore into my soul. I felt their honesty as they peered through me. I took another breath. The perfume slammed against me almost making me sway where I stood. I could feel the pounding heat behind my eyes. My limbs were shaking fiercely as I shoved my hands deep down into my pockets.
She asked if I didn't want her. I responded quickly, ripping the word fast, like a Band-Aid. No. That word was like a nail being driven through my heart. I could feel the dead weight of torture that spurted from the wound.It made me physically sick to think of it. Why hadn't she refuted that statement?
I was pretty sure that she was mentally unstable by this point. After all the times that I had told her that I loved her she accepted this? All of the millions of times that I had tried to describe to her how much she meant to me! And after all of that…with six small words I had won. But what had I gained in this victory? All of the torment hell had to offer…and a safer life for Bella. One rid of blood-sucking murderers and filthy stalkers who landed her in the hospital.
She noted that that changed things. Her voice rang clearly in my ears; I had to tell her that I still loved her…somehow. After a quick rant on how I was tired of pretending to be human her voice had fallen to a shaky whisper. Only one word was uttered from those swollen lips, Don't.
No need for silver stakes. This word pierced my heart as accurately as the first had. Don't do this. She mouthed desperately. A sudden tensing of my abdominal muscles made me exhale sharply.
God Bella don't you understand that I'm doing this for you!
I was more of a monster now than I had ever been. But this time I would leave Bella better than I had found her, and that would be without me. I clenched my jaw tighter, closed my fists further, and prayed harder.
I stared at her, freezing her flawless features into my memories. The opalescent glow of her skin, her eyes that reminded me of the bark of a redwood, the curve of her lips, the dip of her chin, the cascade of her sweet hair, the slope at the small of her back, the angle at which she crossed her thin arms, and her seductive scent.
I studied her as an antique, a priceless piece of a past to which I could never return. My heart made a sickening thud as it fell into my hips. I nearly collapsed onto the ground in agony. I could see the pain oozing from her as realization began to sink through her head. Every miniscule alteration in her expression stung me like a defective poison, targeting my heart. You're not good for me, Bella. I said flatly.
There was such truth to that statement. She wasn't good for me; she was too good for me. She was too good for any man, but me especially. I was a filthy parasite whose instinctual desires were as vile as they were dangerous, and as evil as they were unnatural. I had wasted so much of her time already, I had to make her move on, find someone new, someone better, someone safe. My insides twisted so fiercely that I nearly retched. A sticky gloom pulsed between my ribs darkening my vision by the second.
Her lips parted but she second guessed her words and shut her mouth again. It was almost impossible, standing there wanting to reach out and bask in her warmth, so close to her…and yet I felt so far. I was so far from her; she was so human, so perfect, and so beautiful. I was damned. She took a deep breath and her voice wavered. If… that's what you want.
What I want? What did I want? I wanted to fold her into my arms and carry her away from here. I wanted to carry away from this. I wanted to carry her away from what I am, what I would always be, my eternal prison, whose bars kept me from the one thing in the world I longed to hold to my chest. I nodded my head quickly, unemotionally, and painfully. Those bars seemed to materialize out of the humid air as I gazed back towards her face. Her crestfallen expression branded an excruciating burn into my core. In my mind I could see myself reaching through the barrier that existed between us, begging for forgiveness from her, from God. That maybe if I pleaded He may give me back my humanity and allow me to live out my life with the one I loved. And maybe if I pleaded with her she would understand that I loved her as the moon loves the stars, that she warmed me like the sun did the earth, and I needed her as roses needed thorns.
Every rose had thorns, things that kept people from getting too close to its beauty. Sometimes people couldn't help those thorns. My rose stood in front of me, that wonderful ruby color of petals pooling beneath her cheeks, so many thorns and only one really mattered. She was human; I was not. She had to be safe and I was dangerous.
I love you so much Bella. I wished suddenly that she were the one that could read minds. So that I could pour my soul to her, so that she would understand. I hoped that the past couple months, in which I confessed my fatal attachment to her, had sunk in.
But as I saw her falling in front of me, I knew that these few short words had torn her world apart. I was sobbing uncontrollably on the inside, and the only comfort I wished for stood just a few yards from my fingertips. I need you. I'll always love you. Be Safe. I wished again that she could read minds. I had written those words to her before, the first time I had left her. But this time I wasn't going to return. The hard rhythm of heat behind my eyes beat steadily as I decided to beg her one last time to stay safe, to take care of herself, to be smart…and careful, so very careful.
She was so fragile, so easily broken. And I had just crushed her in the center of my palm. I had never hated myself so much. I had never despised what I was, what I had become, as much as I did then. The acidic burn of that hate swarmed my insides, overwhelming my senses. But Bella will be safe. My external limbs relaxed minimally. My heart remained taut, barely housing the howl of grief that was about to extinguish me.
How could I do this? I couldn't leave her. I had to have her. I had to be near her. If I wasn't I might as well depart to whatever pathetic end the Gods felt was sufficient for vampires. But I couldn't while Bella still existed. I had to stay alive. I had to keep her safe. Even from a distance, Alice would see anything horrid before it happened and I could come back. Not contact her, or dilute her life with the infection that I was ever again, just make sure she was safe. Make sure that she was alive. One thing I could never be.
My breaths were sharp and uneven. I begged my chest to breathe normally. My thoughts swirled quickly through me. All of the images of this exquisite being flying into me, all of my sweet memories singing through my head. I almost fell to the ground with the force of them.
I knew this conversation was coming to an end. No. Please. No. With the finale to this unbelievable scene in the tragedy of my life; I would end. My heart would stay here with Bella, tied to her wrist, leaving me empty.
A fiery stab in the small of my back shoved the breath out of me. I asked myself and perversely hoped that she would be as empty without me. No. She would heal. Time would erase these memories, this awful nightmare that I had pressed upon her. The monsters in her dreams would finally leave her in peace, and the one that watched her sleep would suffer everyday of his life for what he had done.
Please, please, please. I begged the only Lord I knew hitting my fists against the walls of this prison. For she had been too perfect for him, the villain never deserves the princess. And when he tricks the system and endangers that princess, looming fatally above her precious life, he must endure the severe pain of that loss. The suffering began with a white-hot bolt that struck my chest, and nearly drove me into the ground. No please don't do this to me. I pleaded with my mind trying to reason myself into staying, to succumbing to the ambrosial light of the being in front of me.
But my kind was doomed to the darkness, that light never belonged to us, just always shone brightly a slightly out of our reach.
Never forget that my world has no sun without you Bella. You'll always be my heart. I whispered through my eyes, hoping that she could read me. Because my story would always consist of her, and only her, now and until she died. For when she died I would leave this world as well. No use existing as a candle when your flame has gone out.
Author's note- I hope you let me know what you thought of it.