Death Bologna

And now, for the tale of a few familiar faces and the meat that almost killed them! (Heartwarming stuff, eh?) But hey! Don't want to spoil it for you. You have to read it yourself. (That's right, you actually have to read.) So, without further… stuff… minus this disclaimer… stuff… here is Death Bologna!

Disclaimer-

I do not own Sega, Sonic the Hedgehog, Cocoa Puffs, or anything related to them. Because I'm poor. Life sucks. I have to live with that. Now I'm depressed. Thanks a lot.

Episode I-A Meaty Vision

-In the house of Sonic, 3:00 A.M.-

"Ugh… ah…no… don't… Eggman…evil… meat… AHHHHH!" Sonic awoke in a sweat, breathing heavily. "What the…" he muttered to himself, as he clutched his forehead in a state of delirium. "That dream…evil meat… I must be going insane." He walked down to the kitchen. "Well, I'm awake now. I might as well polish off that pepperoni pizza." He gulped down 6 slices of pizza, barely chewing them. "And what's pizza without grapefruit juice?" He pulled a bottle out of the fridge and guzzled it down.

-5 hours and one tub of haggis later-

"Sonic! Wake up!"

"Ugh… Tails?"

"Sonic! GET UP!" Tails stuck his tails in Sonic's face and spun them rapidly.

"Ahh! I'm awake! I'm awake! No need to floor-buff me…" Sonic got up off the kitchen floor, a can of whipped cream still in his hand. "Ahh, there it is!" he said, spraying it directly into his mouth.

"Are you okay? You look a bit… tweaked."

"I couldn't sleep. I had this freaky dream…"

"Oh, you mean that one where you were transformed into a giant lump of cheese?"

"Hey, I had some bad fish! It was a one time thing! Anyway, this was different. It was about… evil… meat. But, the dream was so real, it was like I was watching a vision about something about to happen. Something… something bad is about to happen… involving meat…"

"Riiiiiiiiight. -coughCRAZYcough-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Nothing. Now, come on, it's time to take your happy pills."

"You think I'm a nutcase, don't you."

"No, of course not! he's a few chili dogs short of Coney Island…"

"WHAT!"

"Nothing! Nothing! Take your pills! Don't hurt me!"

"grumble grumble grumble…" Sonic threw the pills on the ground and 'accidentally' tripped Tails down the stairs as the doorbell rang.

"Hello-oh!" Amy said as she walked through the door, her hammer poised above her head, ready for any necessary bashings. "How are you all… AHHH! Tails, what happened?" She stared at Tails' bruised body lying face-down at the foot of the stairs.

"Yes, Tails. What happened?" Sonic said smiling, looking down at Tails from the top of the stairs.

"I... uh… fell. Down the stairs." Tails said, forcing a tiny smile.

"SONIC!" Amy screamed, as she ran up the stairs, hammer in hand.

"Oh cuh-rap!" Sonic yelled, running away. He obviously realized that he was about to incur the wrath of a person who could have the Angel of Death screaming 'uncle' in 12 seconds flat with one skilled nipple tweak. Add a hammer and you have a force to be reckoned with. Sonic knew this little 'episode' would end up with a 'SQUISH', 'CRACK', 'WHACK', or 'CRUNCH'. Or, more likely, a combination of all four.

-One 'SQUACKRUNCH' later-

"Well, I'm glad I got that out of my system before I hurt anyone." Amy walked into the kitchen, dragging a blue ball of badly-beaten fuzz behind her.

"I think I need some bactine... ugh… MEAT!" Sonic yelled in a state of hammer-induced delirium.

"What's with him?" Amy said, picking up a glass of orange juice and drinking it in one gulp. "He been acting all wiggy-wiggy recently, talking about meat, even before I hit him in the head 17 times."

"MEEEEEEAAAAT!"

"Oh, he just hasn't taken his happy pills yet. More juice?" Tails passed the pitcher of orange juice to Amy.

"Oh… well, it's just that I haven't known Sonic to be crazy. Usually Shadow's the nuts one." Amy recalled a particularly 'interesting' incident at the last Christmas party where Shadow claimed he was the Easter Bunny. "I mean, when was the last time Sonic was wrong?"

"I dunno. I still think he's off the deep end, though."

"MEEEEEEAAAAT!"

"Yeah, I guess your right. He's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs."

"COCOA PUFFS CRISPY SWEET CHOCOLATEY MORSELS OF YUMMINESS! MEEEEEEAAAAT!" Tails got up.

"Come on. We're having pizza at McGristles. Put Sonic in your backpack." Sonic struggled, and was further bonked by Amy.

"WOULD YOU STOP THAT! I'M NOT CRAZY! EVIL MEAT IS GOING TO DESTROY THE EARTH! OOF!"

"You know," Amy struggled to carry the backpack out the door. "He should really cut down on the deep-fried double-cheese chili dogs on a stick."

"LET ME OUT OF HERE OR I'LL SHAVE YOUR CAT!"

"Come on, let's hit the road!" They packed the bag-o-Sonic into the trunk and headed for McGristles.

Great stuff, eh? Coming soon in episode II-A lunch engagement at McGristles turns nasty, and something evil happens involving a certain egg-shaped villain. Episode II-Pizza And A Madman