Death Bologna

-You guessed it: ANOTHER DISCLAIMER!-

I do not own anything of great value. You know, like Sega, Sonic, Nintendo, a car, Goodyear, Scooby Doo Xbox, AN Xbox, money, etc. But while I may NOT own Starbucks, Beverly Hills 90210, Alfred Hitchcock, Oreos, Hot Pockets, American Express, Jackie Chan, Jim Belushi, or any characters from any Final Fantasy game, I DO own… um… uh… let's see… I own… uh… COCOA PUFFS! Not the brand, I just own a box of Cocoa Puffs. Yeah… you know, I'm just gonna get to the story.

Episode IV-Interview With A Crossed Wire

The gang, led by Sonic, was headed to the small town of Buttered Biscuit, Mississippi, to have a chat with a certain familiar face… (It's Davy Sprocket. You knew that right? Good. Just checking.) Anyway, along the way, Tails gets bored… and tensions began rising…

"100 million bottles of beer on the wall! 100 million bottles of beer…"

"Oh God, does he ever shut up?"

"Take one down, pass it around…"

"Someone… MAKE IT STOP!"

"999 million, 999 thousand, 999 bottles of beer on the wall!"

"I… WILL… SMASH… YOUR… HEAD… THROUGH… THE… WINDOW!"

"999 million, 999 thousand, 999 bottles of beer on the wall! Come on, everybody sing!"

"THAT'S IT! TO THE TRUNK!"

-15 hours later-

"(Muffled) 575 million, 822 thousand, 682 bottles of beer on the wall!"

"Sonic?"

"Yeah, what?"

"Why don't you go back there and add some more duct tape."

"Okay. STOP THE CAR!"

"But, you're the one driving."

"Oh… right… I'll just… stop the car… myself…" Sonic parked the car on the side of the road and got out. He walked to the back of the car, at the same time realizing why Shadow had yelled out 'Watch out for the cow pie!'.

"Ohh, sick!"

Amy gazed out the window. "What do you mean, 'Oh sick'… EWWWW! SONIC!"

"Sorry. When you said 'cow pie', I thought you were talking about, like, some kind of like, beef pie. And I was wondering why you were screaming about a beef pie. But… you meant… the steaming pile of unhappiness I just… stepped in."

"SONIC, YOU ARE NOT COMING INTO THIS CAR WITHOUT WIPING THAT CRAP OFF YOUR FEET!"

"Okay, okay."

(But, enough with the doody jokes. Back to the story.)

Sonic opened the trunk to see Tails, who, by now, had 464,245,333 bottles of beer left.

"…bottles of beer… hey, Sonic! Could you not put the bag on my head and shut the trunk, because it's getting very hard to brea-MMMMHMHMM!" Sonic duct taped Tails' mouth and put the bag back on his head, slamming the trunk down like Tails was the Tasmanian Devil (which I ALSO don't own, thank you very freakin' much.)

"We're good. Let's go." They once again left for Buttered Biscuit.

-17 more hours and 27 bathroom breaks later-

"We're here!" The gang of furry friends exited the car happy, and in desperate need of elbow room.

"Buttered Biscuit! Gee, this place has such a… retro feel to it." Amy said as she wandered aimlessly.

Sonic looked around. "I think you're confusing 'retro' with 'old-as-dirt'. This place looks like the town that time and evolution skipped over." As Sonic said this an old man appeared on the front porch of an old, rickety, wooden house.

"How-dee!" The man waved to the gang with his right hand, as his left hand was holding a shotgun.

"I rest my case."

"Sonic! Be nice!" Amy lifted her hammer slowly above her head. "Or do I have to use Mr. Whack Whack?"

"NO MR. WHACK WHACK! NO MR. WHACK WHACK! I'll be good…"

"Hey, where's Tails?"

"What? Ooooooooooh…" Sonic opened up the trunk to find Tails' body, which was attracting flies.

"SONIC!"

Sonic turned to Amy. "What? Have you never played 'Sonic 2'? He'll be coming back any second now…"

"Hi, guys!" Everyone looked up as Tails descended back to the Earth, coming from, apparently, nowhere. "What's going on?"

Everyone was in amazement. "Whoa. That was cool." Shadow walked forward towards Tails, and begun poking him over and over.

"Stop it!"

"Okay, he's real." Shadow walked back towards the car. Everyone else still had their jaws open. Knuckles grabbed his head as if in pain.

"Too much information… mind blowing… laws of death irrelevant… I CAN'T TAKE IT! AHHHHHHHH!" Knuckles began running at full speed, still clutching his head. After about 10 seconds, a stop sign ended his running spree. He didn't see the sign and stop, he just ran into it.

Shadow rolled his eyes. "Oooooooookay… well, I can assume that most of us are freaked out, so I think I speak for everyone when I say, can you do it again?"

Sonic looked mildly confused. "Do what?"

Shadow gave the finger-across-neck 'death' sign and pointed to Tails.

"Oh. Oooooh. Okay." Sonic walked over to Tails and pointed his finger towards the sky. "Hey, is that the Goodyear Blimp?"

Tails turned his head excitedly. "WHERE? -squish- OWWW! MY CEREBRUM! Ugh…" Tails fell to the ground with a thunk while Sonic waited, brain in hand, for the next Tails to come flying down. After a few seconds, another Tails was on the way down.

"Voila. Can we go now?"

"Sure. Uh… go where?" Everyone looked around, just realizing that they had no idea where Davy Sprocket lived.

"Uh, what about that dark, spooky, Scooby Doo-type castle over there?" Tails pointed to a giant castle atop a forest-covered hill.

"Great. Could we GET any less original?"

"C'mon. We'd better get going." Sonic started to walk towards the forested area. After a few steps, he realized that nobody was following him. "What? Come on."

"We've got a car." Amy pointed to the car. "It's a magical device that moves people without them having to walk. It has these four bizarre round things called wheels, which…" Sonic tuned Amy out at this point. He'd known Amy long enough to know that it's best just to let her wear out her 'sarcastic mode' without interfering and risking an encounter with Mr. Whack Whack.

After the sarcasm barrage was over, everyone climbed into the car (except Knuckles, who was thrown in the trunk with Tails,) and they headed off to the mysterious castle. As the car started to move, the old guy from the porch began running towards the moving automobile, eventually jumping and landing on the windshield for no apparent reason.

"How-dee!"

"What the crap, dude!" Sonic (who was driving) began swerving across the dirt road.

"Y'all don't wanna be goin' to that there castle-y place up there in that there thingamajigger."

"Were there any words in that sentence?"

"I heard 'up'"

"I'm tellin' y'all, that there castle place is haunted!"

"Have you been sniffing pudding powder?"

"What's that got to do with anything? Anyway, I'm tellin' y'all the truth!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight…" Sonic hit the button in his car that squirts the windshield fluid and activates the wipers. After about 10 seconds the old man couldn't take it and slid right off like a bar of soap. The old man, however, kept yelling until the car was out of sight.

"I SWEAR TO Y'ALL! IT'S HAUNTED! DON'T GO UP THERE! I MEAN IT! I… aw, shucks. Oh well. Now where's that pudding powder…"

-Meanwhile, in Big Bob's Butcher Shop just outside of Eggman's headquarters-

Eggman enters the shop with a creepily evil smile on his face. The person behind the counter looks up at Eggman with a slightly disturbed look on his face. "Um… can I help you, sir?"

"YES! You can very well help me…" Eggman squints and looks at the nametag of the person behind the counter. "…Jim. I'm looking for… SOME MEAT!"

"Ooookay… any kind of meat in particular?"

"Why, yes. I'd like… SOME EVIL MEAT!"

"Uh huh… well… I don't think we have any evil meat. We've got, like, hamburgers and stuff."

"EVIL HAMBURGERS?"

"Um, no, I don't think they're evil."

"Well, then, I have no interest in them… Jim. What else?"

"Uh, well, you can see we've got some steaks, but…"

"EVIL STEAKS?"

"No, beef steaks. Y'know, from cows…"

"EEEEEEEEVIL COWS?"

"I don't think I've ever seen an evil cow."

"Do you not watch CNN? They had a whole segment on them last week!"

"No, they had a segment on mad cows suffering from mad cow disease."

"Oh. Well, do you…"

"NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MAD COW STEAKS!"

"Well, WHAT ELSE DO YOU HAVE?"

"I don't know! I mean, we've got, like, sausage, and…"

"EEEEEEEEVIL SAUSAGE?"

"No, I'm pretty sure it's not evil, y'know…"

"Well for crumpet's sake, if your sausage is not evil, what is? Oh well…" The Great Egged One began to walk out of the shop, which brought great relief to Jim, who went to clean off the meat grinder. At this point, Eggman realized that he had forgotten about one single piece of meat which he had seen out of the corner of his eye. He turned around rapidly, and began running as fast as a fat man with pencil-like legs could towards the shop. He slammed his body through the doors, breaking the little bell that rings when you open them. "WAIT!" This exclamation nearly caused Jim to jump into the meat grinder. "What… is… THAT?" He pointed towards a particular meat in the front display case.

"That's… bologna, sir." Jim said from under a table.

"YES! Bologna! The most evil meat ever to be created! It tormented me throughout my childhood… every lunch… I would open my lunchbox with excited and hopeful eyes… anticipating a PB&J, or a Fluffernutter… maybe, God-willing, a Hot Pocket… but NO! THE INFERNAL BOLOGNA WAS ALWAYS THERE! TAUNTING ME WITH IT'S… MEATINESS! STOP TAUNTING ME! MOMMY! MOMMY!" At this point, Eggman realized that he was screaming at nothing and sucking his thumb. He pulled the thumb slowly out of his mouth, and regained his composure. Incidentally, Jim was in a ball on the floor sucking his thumb too. "Jim!"

"WHAT!"

"I would like to purchase some meat."

Jim stood up slowly. "Really?"

"Yes. I would like one pound of…" Eggman threw his fists up into the air. "DEATH BOLOGNA!"

"What!"

"Oh, sorry. One pound of bologna, please." Eggman then began laughing in a maniacal and disturbing fashion. "MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!"

"Okay, sir." Jim quickly wrapped up the meat. "That'll be $13.50."

"MUWAHAHOO… what?"

"The bologna, it comes to $13.50."

"Oh." Eggman looked through his pockets and, through the magical power of video games, pulled a jar of pennies out of his pants. "Would you take 1350 pennies?"

"No sir."

"Well, how about American Express?"

"Sorry, no American Express. Policy."

"Oh. Well, then, I guess, I'll GO. To get some… MONEY. BUT I'LL BE BACK! YOU'LL SEE! I WILL RETURN! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHA…" Eggman continued his maniacal laugh as he exited the shop and walked down the street. As for Jim, he just went back into the fetal position and began sucking his thumb.

(A.N. By now, you may have realized that this chapter is a bit longer than the previous three. Well, it's only gonna get longer. But don't worry. It'll get better. Just keep reading. Seriously. I mean it. Read on.)

-Meanwhile, outside of a certain person's castle-

Sonic turned off the car and stepped out. "Well, I guess we're here. C'mon guys. Guys?" At this point, Sonic realized that he had neglected to leave the parking brake on. "Ooooh… well, they'll be okay." As soon as that sentence was uttered, Sonic heard and saw a gigantic, fiery, explosion at the bottom of the hill he'd just driven up. "Oops."

"Oooooooooh, Sooooooonic…" Sonic looked up to see Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Amy, and Rouge descending from the sky. "Did we forget something rhyming with 'marking drake'?"

"Hehe… sorry about that."

"We're sorry too."

"Sorry for what?"

"For what we're ABOUT TO DO TO YOU!" The five jumped Sonic and proceeded to give him an old-style whoopin'. After about fifteen minutes, they decided to go into the castle.

"Creeeeeeeeepy."

"Okay, Tails, go and knock on the door."

"Why me?"

"Okay, okay. Let's decide this fairly. If your name is Tails, raise your hand." Tails raised his hand and looked around to see that nobody else was.

"Aw, fudgesicle." Tails walked up the giant wooden doors and raised his fist to knock, when the doors suddenly opened of their own accord. Needless to say, Tails was freaked out by this occurrence, and had to be carried in by Knuckles and Rouge.

"Well, here we are." Sonic led the group forward down a grand hallway, lined with portraits and suits of armor. And they all got the strangest feeling that someone was watching them…

"That's weird."

"What?"

"Does it feel like you're walking on a bed of potatoes?" Everyone stopped moving and looked down. The floor was, in fact, made out of potatoes.

"That's… bizarre."

"Yes… yes it is. But we can't stop. We have to find Davy Sprocket." They continued to walk across the potatoes down the hallway. They could see a large set of wooden doors at the end of the hall, and they could hear… strange noises inside.

"That's our guy. C'mon."

Tails, however, is still spooked. -squeek- "WHAT WAS THAT?"

"What was what?"

"I HEARD SOMETHING! THIS PLACE IS HAUNTED! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!" Rouge and Knuckles had to grab Tails to prevent him from running away.

"Okay, look. This place is not haunted. Look." Knuckles twisted Tails' head around to see behind them. "See? Nothing but pictures, armor, and potatoes. Now come on."

Tails continued walking forward until… -SQUEEEEEEEK- "SONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!"

"(Unknown mumbled words)" Sonic pulled the frightened Tails off of his face. "What is it now?"

"SOMETHING'S OUT TO GET US!"

"For the last time nothing is out to… AHHHHHHHH!" Sonic and Tails looked around to see one of the suits of armor walking behind them. The others quickly turned, and soon, Sonic was attempting to run away while carrying the 5 people clinging to his skull.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Move! I can't see where I'm going!" Sonic swerved around the hall, eventually running into the door at the end. The dazed 5 looked up, to see the armored figure standing in front of them. They were trapped. Dum dum duuuuuuuuum!

(A.N. Dum dum duuuuuuuuuum added for dramatic emphasis.)

The armored one moved forward, as everyone backed up against the door which was sealed tight. Suddenly, it spoke. "Hi, evewybody!"

"TWIGGY!"

"What?" Twiggy took his helmet off.

"I am SO gonna hurt you."

"Why?" Everybody rolled their eyes at the same time. Sonic stood up.

"How did YOU get here?"

"Well, I was at home, microwaving my cat, when…"

"Never mind. Twiggy, do me a favor. Turn around and walk twenty steps."

"Okay." Twiggy turned and walked the twenty steps. Sonic began running at full speed towards him.

"FORE!"

"Four what? AHHHH!" -BOOT- Sonic kicked Twiggy clear through the stone roof of the castle, which, I imagine, had to hurt.

"Took care of that. Now let's go." Sonic knocked on the giant doors, and they slowly opened, to reveal a shaking Davy Sprocket on the other side.

"Can I… help you?"

"We'd like to talk to you about a certain… egg-shaped acquaintance." Davy scratched his head.

"Jim Belushi?"

"No!"

"Alfred Hitchcock?"

"No, no! Eggman! You know, Dr. Robotnik!"

"Which one?" Sonic, at this point in time, was immensely frustrated.

"Is he always this stupid?"

"Have you ever played 'Mean Bean Machine'?"

"No."

"Well then, yeah. He is always this stupid." Knuckles pushed his way past the other five and proceeded to grab Davy by the head and hold him above the potato-y (?) floor.

"LOOK, YOU PIECE OF CRAP! TELL US WHERE ROBOTNIK'S HIDEOUT IS, OR I'LL CRUSH YOUR FACE INTO LITTLE TINY BITE-SIZED PIECES!"

"Don't hurt me! Robotnik always hurt me…" Knuckles set Davy down.

"That reminds me, why did you leave Robotnik's side in the first place?"

"He was always so cruel to me… when I did something wrong he would stuff me into a burlap bag and beat me with a sock full of turnips. At night he would force me to sleep on a bed of nails sitting atop a giant vat of man-eating aardvarks."

"But… if he was so mean to you, why'd you stay with him so long?"

"Why? Well, that's simple." An orchestral intro begins playing in the background. "(Singing) I was but a young machine, and…"

"NO SINGING! WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW!"

"Sorry."

"However, we DO need to know where Robotnik's headquarters are."

"That's easy. Here are the coordinates." Davy pointed to a piece of paper that was taped to the wall that read 'Places To Bomb: Robotnik's Headquarters N44-W67, Earl's Quick Lube (Bad Oil Change) N56-E11, (Possible) Kathy Lee's House N12-E98 (cross off list if phone call is returned)'.

"Thanks a lot." The group exited the castle and began walking to the coordinates. (Their car rolled to the bottom of the hill and exploded, remember?) Davy closed the doors and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Well, at least they're gone. Now, back to Beverly Hills 90210." He turned on the TV and began watching intently. Creepy.

-Meanwhile, outside the castle-

"Well, we've got our coordinates, anyone got a map?"

"Yeah, there was one in the car." Everyone looked at the smoldering pile of metal that was once an automobile.

"Crap."

"Well, we can just get one later. Right now, let's get out of this place."

"Agreed." The gang began running and flying to get out of Buttered Biscuit as fast as they could. "Eggman, here we come!"

-Later that night, in the castle, Davy Sprocket is still watching TV, when…-

"Don't kiss him! He doesn't love you!" -BRIIIIIIIING- "AHHHH!" Davy jumped out of his seat and answered the phone. An unknown voice spoke on the other end.

"Did you give them the coordinates?"

"Yes…"

"Excellent. You will receive your reward tomorrow."

"Where will you be?"

"You won't find me… I'll find you." -click-

"Hello? HELLO? -gulp- Why did I ever agree to this… oh well." Davy went back to the TV. "I said he doesn't love you! Can't you see that? I need a girlfriend…"

Phew! Long one, eh? Coming soon in episode V-Badniks and robots rampage in Station Square. Where are our heroes? In a Mexican restaurant. Episode V-Banditos And Burritos