Death Bologna

-What's this? Could it be… ANOTHER DISCLAIMER?-

I do not own Sega, Sonic Team, or any of the Sonic-related characters within this fanfic (except my original and demented creation, Twiggy.) I also do not own Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, any of the Baldwins, Milanta, or Pepto Bismol. Or do I… no. No I don't. I still don't own Sega. Nuts.

Episode V-Banditos And Burritos

The gang, which consisted of Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, Rouge, and Amy, were walking the long walk through the middle of nowhere to the coordinates given to them by Davy Sprocket. After about 2 hours, the inevitable happened. Tails began singing again.

"276 million 377 thousand 251 bottles of beer on the wall! 276 million 377 thousand 251 bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, 276 million 377 thousand 250 bottles of beer on the wall! Hey, Sonic! Sonic? SONIC! What's up with Sonic?"

"What? Oh, he put two ham sandwiches in his ears a while back so he wouldn't have to listen to your unbearable singing." Tails stopped walking.

"Hey, that's not nice!"

"No, it isn't." Shadow glared at Tails.

"Grumble…" Tails stomped forward and placed his face one inch away from Sonic's head and prepared to scream. "SONIC!"

"What?" Sonic pulled the sandwiches out of his ears.

"Are we there yet?"

"Does it LOOK like we're there yet?"

"How should I know? None of us knows what 'THERE' looks like!" An awkward silence filled the air. Shadow quickly filled the silence.

"The small, orange, annoying one is right. We don't actually know what Robotnik's hideout looks like." Sonic is getting frustrated by now.

"Well, we'll just have to look HARDER! Now, BE QUIET OR I WILL REMOVE YOUR LIVER!" Everybody stared at the huffing and puffing Sonic and took one step backwards. "Now LET'S continue MOVING!" Everybody nodded their heads.
Sonic turned around and continued walking. The vein on his forehead was popping out to about 2 inches. Needless to say, everyone was a bit uneasy for the next half-hour.

-One half-hour later, Sonic has cooled down, and they are nearing the coordinate location-

Sonic looked at the map and compass which he'd gotten out to check the location. (Gotten out of where?) Everyone was tired and in pain, and secretly wanted to yell 'Are we there yet?' except Tails, who actually yelled it.

"ARE WE THERE YET?" Sonic stopped walking and stared intensely at the map.

"Yes."

Tails started stomping around. "Well, when are we gonna get…" Tails stopped and turned his head. "Wait, what did you say?"

"According to the map and compass, this is North 44, West 67. We're here!"

"Yes!"

"Alright!"

"Cool!"

"Taters?"

The dust cleared just enough in front of the group to reveal the outline of a building. After a few seconds, the dust cleared, and the building was in full view, as a wave of confusion swept over the group. Tails, once again, spoke what everyone was thinking.

"What kinda name is that for an evil base?" A small, weathered building with the name 'El Taco Conquistador' painted atop it stood in front of our fuzzy heroes. The gang stared in utter vexation as they pondered why Eggman's headquarters would look like a Mexican restaurant.

"Well… maybe it's a cover, you know?"

"Only one way to find out. Let's go." They began walking towards the building's entrance. Sonic pushed open the saloon-style swinging doors and stepped inside. The smell of tacos permeated the entire structure, and Sonic could see that the interior was that of a Mexican restaurant. Also, everyone was wearing sombreros. The frustrated group all entered, one by one, only to become more puzzled and infuriated.

"I don't believe it. That mental case of a robot gave us the wrong coordinates."

Shadow pushed his way to the front of the gang. "I'll be the judge of that." Shadow ran and jumped on top of one of the tables, pulling out two handguns. Everyone else was taken quite aback.

"Whoa! What the crap! Where did you get those?"

"Wal-Mart. Now shut up. I'm trying to work here." Shadow turned back to face the immensely freaked-out restaurant crowd. "NOW LISTEN UP! IF YOU DON'T TELL ME WHERE EGGMAN'S SECRET HIDEOUT IS, I WILL KILL EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!" Nobody in the restaurant said a word. "I MEAN IT!" Once again, the room was silent, everyone still in shock. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Silence. "I LIKE MARSHMALLOWS!" The restaurant was still silent. Everyone was still about to faint. Shadow stepped down from the table and put the guns away. "They don't know nothin'. We're in the wrong place."

Sonic wiped the sweat off of his forehead. "Well, if this isn't the hideout, we might as well just get going."

"Wait, Sonic!"

"What?"

"Can we stay for a few minutes? I'm REEEEEEEEALLY hungry!"

Rouge continued with persuading Sonic. "You know, we've been on our feet for a while now. It would do us good to rest."

"No! Every second that we don't move, we give Robotnik more time to destroy the world!"

"But Sonic…"

"NO!" Amy stepped forward, hammer in hand.

"Come on, Sonic! We're all tired, and…"

"I said NO!" Amy lifted her hammer above her head. "…but I meant yes! Okay. We can get some food, but we can only stay for 15 minutes."

"Okay!"

-3 ½ hours later-

Sonic, who was now wearing a sombrero, led the conga line around the restaurant. "Cha cha cha! TEQUILA!" Sonic turned around to the slightly confused Mexican restaurant-goers forming the rest of the line. "Alright! What d'ya say to one more go around the place?"

"Si si, señor!"

"Okay! One more!" Sonic continued moving, chanting 'Cha cha cha tequila'. Meanwhile, Tails was stuffing his face with tacos and attempting to read the all-Spanish menu.

"What's that?"

"That is the restaurant name, El Taco Conquistador, señor."

"El Taco Conquistador? That's a funny way to spell Taco Bell!"

"Oy…"

"And what's THAT?"

"That's a picture of a taco."

"Ohhhhhh… so, what's that?" Tails proceeded to force the waiter to repeat and explain every item, picture, and bizarre word on the menu at least three times. (It should be noted that this waiter is now attending group therapy to work through this stressful event.) Meanwhile, Shadow was at the bar reconsidering his choice of friends.

"You know, maybe I could get to know those Baldwin brothers. I mean, they seem like nice enough people… HEY! BARTENDER! ANOTHER DARK MARTINI!"

(A.N. A dark martini, for those curious, is composed of 2 oz. of gin, ½ oz. of vermouth, and ¼ oz. of pure evil. Shaken, not stirred.)

The bartender went to grab the bottles. "Uno momento, señorita!" He began shaking the martini shaker which was making a strange clunking sound when shaken.

"I mean that Daniel Baldwin nice enough, I don't know about Alec though…" The bartender pulled out a glass and began to pour, but something other than a martini came out. -THUNK- "What the…"

"Man, it's weally cwamped in there… hi Shadow!"

"TWIGGY! How the… when the… where… how did YOU get here?"

"Well, I was at home giving my hamstew stewoids, when…"

"Never mind. BARTENDER! ONE DARK MARTINI MINUS THE IDIOT THIS TIME!"

"Si, señorita!"

Amy, who was having the time of her life, joined Shadow at the bar. "Hello-oh! How are you doing?"

"I loathe life."

"Well, that's nice! I should go now…"

"Those Baldwins don't carry hammers… HEY, COULD YOU TURN THE TV ON?" The bartender nodded and turned on the TV to reveal a shocking bit of news.

"We take you live to Station Square where evil robots are running amok. This seems to be the work of a Dr. Robotnik, a self-proclaimed 'evil genius', or, as everyone else would say, a 'big fat stupid crazy guy'."

"HEY, TURN THAT UP!"

"As you can see behind me, the robots are destroying everything in sight. In fact… yes, they are coming to get me. The robots are coming to get me. They have lifted me up and… they are carrying me away. What a riveting turn of events. Back to you!" The shot went back to the news studio.

"Well, wasn't that interesting. Wait…" The anchorman put his finger to his ear. "We are just getting word that Robotnik himself has just released a statement which is being broadcast to that big, giant, television screen thingy in the middle of Station Square. Let's watch." The shot went back to Station Square, where hundreds of people were gathered around the giant screen. Suddenly, a familiar and notorious face appeared.

"PITIFUL HUMANS! You… what? What are you talking about? Yes, it's recording! Well, the red light is on. It's blinking. Okay, but I… PITIFUL HUMANS! For too long, you have thwarted be, resisted my plans of domination, and otherwise caused me turmoil. BUT NOT ANYMORE! For I have the ultimate power at my disposal. A power so great, it will make all of the world tremble! Succumb to my demands, or face obliteration! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! MUWAHAHOOHAHA! End transmission. Well, that went well enough, eh? I tell you, it's when you know you can't scratch that you've gotta scratch. Seriously. My butt was fine before the broadcast. But the camera goes on and suddenly I feel like I'm sitting on poison ivy. Ahhhhhh… what? What are you talking about? What do you mean I'm still on? But the red light… oh, THAT'S IT!" Eggman raised his fist and slammed it down on the camera. The screen went black again.

"Holy crap!"

"Whoa!"

"Oh no!"

"Tacos?"

"Come on, guys! We've got to go, now!"

"But Sonic… my tummy is real grumbly… I think I had too many tacos…"

"No time! Come on! We have to save Station Square!" Sonic grabbed Tails by the arm and ran out the door. The others followed shortly thereafter. "Go! Go! Go! Go!" They all ran out of the restaurant, when Shadow just stopped moving.

"Shadow! What is it? What happened?" Shadow looked like he was in deep thought.

"That bartender… HE CALLED ME A GIRL!" Shadow ran back in the restaurant at full speed. The others could hear crashes, crunches, screams, and clucking. Shadow walked back out, a satisfied smile on his face.

"Happy?"

"Quite." Back in the restaurant, the other diners could see the bartender, who was stuffed into a martini shaker.

"Ow, señor."

"Hi, bawtender! Cwamped in here, ain't it!"

"Oy…"

Back outside the restaurant, Tails was popping Pepto Bismol tablets and Shadow was drinking Evil Martinis out of a sports bottle. "Now, let's go! We must defeat Eggman!"

"Yeah, let's go!" The gang ran off towards Station Square, and the badniks destroying it. All except Tails, who was walking slowly and drinking Milanta straight from the bottle.

Coming soon in episode VI-The gang must fight off hordes of robots to defend Station Square, and a new quest to find and destroy Dr. Robotnik begins with a little help from yet another familiar face… Episode VI-Save Our Square