Death Bologna
Whoo! Long time since the last update. Mostly due to a combination of vacationing and laziness. But I'm back! And I'm bad! Obviously within certain sensible preset parameters. (Red Dwarf reference.) Enjoy!
-D to the I to the S to the C to the L… oh, screw it. DISCLAIMER-
I don't own Sonic, Sonic Team, Sega, American Idol, Disney, or the Lord of the Rings. If I did, you'd have to pay $39.95 just to read this. Think about that.
Episode VIII-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part One
Upon exiting Station Square, the group followed Ffuzzy's coordinates to Eggman's base. For the first time, everything felt all well and good to Sonic. They were on the right track, and they knew they were going to thwack Eggman. Everything was up. At least, until...
"…a small world after all, it's a small, small world! It's a small world…"
"Okay, you know what, Tails, if you sing ONE MORE NOTE of that infernal song I will personally remove your kidneys and play badmintonwith them!"
"But… I'm not singing, Sonic."
"…it's a small world after all…"
"Well, if you're not singing…" Sonic turned around to see Shadow in the back singing like an American Idol reject. "SHADOW?"
"…a small world after all… what? It's stuck in my head!" Shadow took a step towards Sonic with each following word. "DO… YOU… HAVE… A… PROBLEM… WITH… THAT!" Shadow was now standing three inches away from Sonic and staring at him so intensely that Sonic thought his head would spontaneously combust. Sonic weakly shook his head. "Good." Shadow continued singing and Sonic continued walking forward until…
"Hey guys." Before the party stood a grey hedgehog with baggy jeans and dreadlocks wielding a large katana. Knuckles immediately pushed his way forward towards the new hedgehog.
"Atomsk? Is that… you?"
"Should be."
"Wait, wait. You know this guy, Knuckles?"
"Yeah, I went to Samurai School with him."
"You went to Samurai School?"
"Yeah, for 5 days before I was expelled for beating the teacher senseless with a giant ham."
"I like ham!"
"Good for you, Tails."
"Ham tastes good!"
"Once again, good for you."
"It's hamtastic!"
"Shut up Tails. Sooooo… what'cha been up to? How'd you get here?"
"Well, I was assassinating the president of… I mean, I was on vacation, when I saw Robotnik's little 'advertisement'. I decided I had to do something about it."
"See, Sonic? He's on our side." Knuckles turned to Sonic, who walked towards Atomsk and stopped in front of him, glaring intensely. Atomsk turned around, facing away from Sonic.
"You know, I don't HAVE to be on your side." He quickly pulled out his katana and made a quick swing towards a palm tree, slicing it clean into two pieces, one of which fell onto Tails. Sonic's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates. Sonic then smiled.
"Welcome to Team Sonic!"
"I thought so."
"So back to the point, how'd you get here anyway?"
"A short robot living in a castle told me to meet you guys here." Everybody stopped moving.
"Did this robot happen to have a coonskin hat and an IQ of about 10?"
"Yeah, actually."
"Motherfu-"
"KNUCKLES!"
"Sorry."
"LOOK!" Everyone turned around as another figure came into view. It was a tall, dark brown echidna with robotic arms and legs, a tribal mask, and a blowgun in one hand.
"What the crippity-crap…" The new creature stepped forward and began dancing and screaming.
"AAH! AAH! EEH! EEH! BOOBITABOOBITA!" -PHOOTPHOOTPHOOTPHOOT- Each member of Team Sonic now had a blowdart in his or her neck and was on the ground unconscious. The last thing Sonic remembered in his wooziness was Tails' voice singing 'I'm A Little Teapot'.
"I swear, Tails… one of these days… I will staple your mouth shut… with a… nail gun… -yawn-." Sonic drifted into a deep and semi-peaceful sleep which lasted several days. When he and his friends awoke, it was not the world they remembered…
It was something else…
Something new…
Something unknown…
Something… kinda, weird… I guess…
(A.N. It was at this point that my writer's block faded away.)
When Sonic awoke, it was to several unknown voices in an unknown place.
"Is he dead?"
"Nah, I think he's just drunk."
"Wait… what IS he, anyway?"
"I thought he was a badger when they brought 'em in."
"A blue badger?"
"Are you sure he's not a hobbit? Like, a really, REALLY deformed hobbit?"
"Criminy! He's not even wearing pants!"
"Where… where am I?"
"Hey, it talks!"
"Does that mean we can't eat him?"
"No, we can't. Why don't you go introduce yourself?" Sonic opened his eyes and saw a tall, gruff, bearded man staring down at him. "Hi there! I'm Mr. Flemeny! Who are you?"
"I'm… I'm Sonic. Where am I?"
"Well, you're in the Shire, of course!"
"The Shire? Well… what…" Sonic sat up and grabbed his head. "Never mind." He looked around. What he saw was the interior of an old wooden house, peppered with antiquities of all sorts, and not a speck of technology in sight. The four people who surrounded him were a father and mother, named Chumba and Wumba, and two children, a girl and a boy by the names of Frumba and Jerfliggety, respectively. (Whatever happened to 'Billy'?) Sonic closed his eyes. "I really hope I overdosed on antidepressants and this is just a hallucination. STOP POKING ME!" The four people quickly ceased.
"Sorry. We don't get many of your type around here."
"No, no. it's okay. Wait a minute…" Sonic got up and began looking around. "Are my friends here?"
"Oddly enough, there were quite a few of your type around here. Let's see… there was an orange one, a pink one with an attitude, a black and red one with a bigger attitude, a white and purple one with a butt-load of attitude, a red one with an attitude that could set you on fire, and a grey one that actually set someone on fire." Sonic's spirit quickly grew.
"Really? Great!"
"Oh, and there was also this brownish one that kept talking about dry-cleaning his penguin or something like that."
"God help us all. So, where are they?" Chumba squinted as if in deep thought. (Yeah right.) He then walked over to the kitchen, where he pulled out a meat tenderizer and began whacking himself on the head. After about 6 or 7 hits, he was on the floor mumbling 'happy happy cake' over and over.
"Sorry about that. Chumba's not exactly the sharpest tool in the shed, IF you know what I mean."
"I know what you mean." A certain robot popped into Sonic's head. Chumba suddenly sat straight up.
"I LIKE PIE!" Chumba fell back to the ground and resumed chanting 'happy happy cake'.
"Once again, sorry. Now if you're looking for your friends, they should be at the Town Center. Simply go out that door and head left down that road, past the tree where crazy old Mr. Krispyheimer lives, then turn right at the Cavern of Dead Chipmunks, and keep going until you see the 'Jim's Orangutan and Rutabaga Emporium' sign. The Town Center is just north of there."
"Uh… thanks." Sonic opened the circular wooden door, stepped outside, and turned around. "Well, thanks for your…" Sonic glanced at Chumba's 'happy cake' chant. "…hospitality. Unfortunately, I must be going, because I SAID STOP POKING ME!" Wumba immediately put her hands behind her back. "Goodbye." Sonic turned and ran off into the distance. Wumba closed the door and grabbed a large wooden stick and headed towards the kitchen.
"Oh CHUM-by! Time for your medicine!"
"HAPPY CAKE!" -WHACK- "HAPPY CAKE!" -WHACK- "HAPPY CAAAAAAAAAKE!" -WHACKWHACKWHACKWHACK- "Owie…" -THUNK- -snore-.
"That's better. KIDS! HELP ME DRAG YOUR UNCONSCIOUS FATHER ONTO THE COUCH!"
-Meanwhile, past Jim's Orangutan and Rutabaga Emporium (where right now they have a wonderful 2-for-1 special going on) Sonic races towards his friends-
Sonic ran with whatever energy he had left. The thought of his friends (and Twiggy) being stuck in the same place as him gave him a newfound hope. As Sonic entered what he assumed was the Town Center, he came to a startling realization.
"This place seems very familiar for some reason. It's like I've read about it in a book or something. Maybe this is that Canada place I've heard so much about." Sonic wandered around for a minute then stood still. "There's… nobody here. There's nobody here! Those Chumbity-Wumbities lied to me! There's nothing here but… but… TURNIPS!"
"Um, sir? That's because you're in front of a turnip stand. The Town Center is down there." Sonic's face went from blue to purple.
"Oh. Oh I see. Hehe… bye!" Sonic quickly dashed away.
"WAIT! SIR! WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN PURCHASING A TURNIP ON A STICK? IT'S TURNIP-Y FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! Ah, forget it. They never buy the turnip on a stick. They're always at Big Bob's chocolate-covered asparagus stand. Well, NUTS TO YOU, BIG BOB!"
-At the -cough- REAL Town Center-
Sonic sped his way down the plain dirt road until he reached a grass-covered valley. Scattered across the valley were tents and tables, and on one side stood a giant stage. What Sonic also noticed was that there were people. Lots of people. Lots of dancing people. Lots of stupid-looking dancing people. It was apparent to Sonic that a great celebration was taking place.
"Wow. I guess this is the right place. What the…" Off in the corner, Sonic noticed a group of people who looked strangely more colorful that the rest of the village. A wide smile came across Sonic's face. He dashed off to see them.
"Guys! Guys! I'm here! I'm here!" Sonic rushed so fast he apparently didn't realize that he knocked three people into the 'bobbing for chickens' tank. "Guys! Guys! It's me, Sonic!" Seven faces turned around.
"Who the !#$& are you?"
"What? Oops! Wrong group." Sonic ran a bit further. "Guys! Guys! It's me! Sonic! Yay me!" Seven -cough- OTHER faces turned around.
"Sonic? Sonic! It's Sonic!" Amy rushed over and hugged Sonic. Tails joined in the hug, followed by Rouge, Knuckles, Twiggy,and some guy named Jibbity. Everyone turned to look at Atomsk, who was looking green.
"Never in a million years."
"Suit yourself." As the group of huggers dissipated (mostly due to Sonic screaming in agony) Sonic noticed that Shadow was now wearing a brown robe. Sonic walked over to Shadow and tapped him on the shoulder. "Shadow? Are you okay?"
"Shadow? Who is this… 'Shadow' character?"
"You are. You're Shadow, remember?"
"I am not this 'Shadow'! I am Shandolf, the Black!"
"And I'm Tubby the Mouseketeer. Cut the crap Shadow."
"What is this 'crap' you speak of? And why on EARTH would I want to cut it?"
"Um… uh…" Sonic was at a loss for words for a second or two. He then suddenly smiled. "Say there, -cough- Shandolf, what is that thing behind you?" Shadow turned around.
"That is a tree. It is a large plant which grows from the ground. It comes in many varieties, many shapes, sizes, colors…" As 'Shandolf' rambled about trees, Sonic walked over to the rest of the group.
"Well, Shadow's off the deep end again."
"Yep."
"Mm hmm."
"Yeah."
"You got that wight!"
"Go away Twiggy."
"But I…"
"GO AWAY TWIGGY!" Twiggy stomped off.
"Thank you."
"So… what are we supposed to do?" Everyone was silent for a few seconds. Knuckles then proceeded to pull out an electric guitar.
"I say we party!" Knuckles walked over to the group of musicians taking up the right half of the stage. The band consisted of four fat people playing various stringed instruments. "'Scuse me, boys." Knuckles jumped up onto the stage and pushed the other musicians off onto the grass. Sonic and the others watched from afar as Knuckes began to play.
"Is he doing what I think he's doing?"
"Yes. Yes he is." Knuckles began singing.
"1, 2, 3, 4! MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS! DANCE BREAK!" Knuckles moonwalked across the stage and then started spinning on his head. Sonic slapped his forehead.
"Well, it coulda been worse." Knuckles then began bashing the guitar on the stage. "Spoke too soon." Knuckles kept pounding away, even though he wasn't making a dent in the guitar. He eventually got angry and just threw the guitar into the audience, knocking three old ladies unconscious. "Once again, spoke too soon."
-Later on in the evening-
A small old man walked up upon the stage, apparently ready for a speech. Sonic was informed that it was the old man's 111'th birthday from the group of people who beat the everlasting crap out of Knuckles for whacking the three old ladies with the guitar. This all sounded oddly familiar to Sonic. In fact, everything that he'd seen since waking up, everything that happened, felt like a big case of déjà vu. "What is going on?"
"Hey there, Son-Son. Where's Knuc-Knuc?" In the short time of being in Team Sonic, Atomsk had already attached to an annoying habit.
"I think he's over there." Sonic noticed something glimmering in Atomsk's hand. "Hey, what's that?" Atomsk held out his hand to reveal a shiny gold ring.
"Nice, eh? Picked the pocket of this old guy to get it."
"Yes, it's quite nice. Wait a second…" Sonic stared intensely at the ring. Sonic then thought for a second. Sonic's jaw then dropped to the ground. "Oh… my… just out of -gulp- curiosity, who was this old man?"
"Some guy named Dilbo Dagwood or something. Why?" Sonic's jaw dropped further.
"I… know… where we are."
"Okay, good. So, where are we? Is it that Canada place I've heard so much about?"
"No, no…"
"So, where are we?"
"We're in… the Lord of the Rings!" Atomsk's eyes opened wider than dinner plates.
"Whoa!" He looked down at the ring in his hand. "WHOA!" Sonic and Atomsk turned to the stage, jaws wide open, where the old man was starting his speech.
-A few minutes of speech later-
The old man continued talking, becoming increasingly solemn. Eventually, he put his hand in his pocket. "I'll be going now. What the…" He turned out his pockets to reveal that they were empty. Atomsk threw the ring in the air and caught it.
"Sucks to be him." The old man looked around frantically.
"Um… uh…" He pointed towards the back of the audience. "Hey, everybody! What's that?" Everyone in the Town Center turned around and shouted "Where?". The old man ran off the stage and into the woods surrounding the area, cackling to himself. Shadow was still explaining what a tree was. After about ten seconds, one of the villagers turned back around.
"Hey! Bilbo's buggered off!"
"What do we do now?" Everyone was silent.
"Let's get him!" The people all shouted with approval as they ran out of the Town Center. Sonic rejoined with the rest of his furry friends, who were the only ones not rampaging after Bilbo.
"Well guys, I've discovered where we are."
Everyone spoke at once. "Canada?"
"No. We're in the Lord of the Rings."
Once again, everyone spoke at once. "Get the fudge out!"
"He's not lying. Look." Atomsk held out his hand. Everyone stared at the gold ring resting in his palm.
Again, everyone spoke at once. "HOLY SHIGGITY-DIGGITY!"
"Oooooooookay… THAT was creepy…"
"So what are we supposed to do?"
"I dunno."
"I say we go along with the whole LOTR story. You know, take the ring to the fire of Mt. Doom, drop it in, watch it melt."
"I say we party!"
"Maybe Sonic's right. If we finish the story we might get out of here."
"Are you SURE we're not in Canada?"
"MEAT AND TATERS! MEAT AND TATERS! I LIKE EATIN' MEAT AND TATERS!"
"I say we go with Sonic and finish the story. Who's with me?"
"I'll go."
"I'm in."
"Me too."
"MEAT AND TATERS!"
"Shut up, Knuckles."
"Bite me, Sonic."
"Wight on!"
"Go jump in a lake, Twiggy."
"Okee-dokee!" Twiggy ran away and leapt into the nearby lake. No one seemed too phased.
"You know, I always wondered what would happen if someone actually listened to you, Knuckles."
"You know, I'm about THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS close to ripping out your…"
"Whavever. Okay, so everybody's in?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Let's get out of here. Let's finish this the way it was meant to be finished."
"With parsley?"
"No, Tails."
"How about oregano?"
"Cram it Tails. Let's go! Eggman, here I come!" And with that, the gang left in search of Mt. Doom, except for Shadow, who was still giving the definition of a tree, and Twiggy, who was floating in the middle of the lake humming 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' to himself.
Riveting stuff! RIVETING, RIVETING, RIVETING! Coming soon in episode IX-The perilous quest continues as Sonic and friends travel the road once traveled by… someone else. Action will ensue! Most definitely! Maybe! Possibly! I think so! Episode IX-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Two