Death Bologna

Your waiting will be rewarded... with a new car! Just kidding. A loooooong and fun-filled chapter awaits. Enjoy!
-New 'Disclaimer Plus'! With the freshening scent of lemon!-

I don't own Sonic, Sonic Team, Sega, the -cough- song, Everybody Loves Raymond, Band-Aids, any brand of gum, Spongebob Squarepants, Dr. Scholl's, or LOTR. It's unbelievable, I know! I should be filthy stinkin' rich! But I'm not! I'm filthy stinkin' poor! And I think I have a rash! You probably didn't need to know that! Let's just get to the story!

Episode IX-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Two

Sonic and his team ran through the woods surrounding the Shire. Eventually, they made it to what looked like a farm, and were halted by a crazy old man wielding a scythe.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The old man dropped the scythe.

"Oops. Sorry to scare you guys. You wouldn't believe how many corn rustlers there are around here."

"Riiiiiiiight. So, can you direct us to Mt. Doom?" The old man gasped and jumped back.

"MT. DOOM!"

"Yes…"

"Y'all don't wanna be goin' to that there volcano-y place up there in that there thingamajigger."

"That sounded creepily familiar…"

"I swear! Don't be goin' there! It's baaaaaaad stuff! Baaaaaaaad stuff I tell ya!"

"Riiiiiiiiiiight… let's go, guys." Team Sonic rushed away like a speeding bullet stuck in the butt of a cheetah running away from a horde of genetically engineered aard-monkeys. (Did that make any sense?) Luckily, the old (and I'm assuming senile) man was unable to fully catch up to Team Sonic. He did grab Tails and drag him away, but otherwise a flawless escape. For a time, things went smoothly. But then…

"Let me see that thong, that thong th-thong thong thong…"

"Wow. 12 minutes before Tails starts singing an annoying song. That a new record."

(A.N. No disrespect to Sisqo, who I know could have me killed if he felt like it.)

"Tails, stop singing. I hear something."

"But it's so catchy, you know? 'Thong thong th-thong thong thongity thong…'"

"I said be quiet!" Sonic listened intensely for some time. His eyes then opened wide. "Everybody hide!"

"What?"

"Why?"

"What's coming?"

"Thong?"

"Shut up!" Sonic grabbed Knuckles, who in turn grabbed Rouge, who in turn grabbed Amy, who in turn grabbed Tails, who in turn grabbed a mutated mushroom, which in turn grabbed Atomsk. Sonic dragged the group into a ditch under a large tree root. Sonic peeked up over the root and saw what he was fearing. He quickly ducked back down under the root.

"What is it? Demons? Aliens? Canadians? That tall guy from Everybody Loves Raymond?"

"Worse."

"WORSE than the tall guy from Everybody Loves Raymond?"

"Much… MUCH worse." Above Sonic and friends stood the The Ring Wraith. Clad in black robes with breath that could raise the dead, they moved slowly around the tree, scaring the everlasting crap out of Team Sonic.

(A.N. Since these creatures don't actually 'talk', subtitles will be provided for the next bit of dialogue.)

"GRRARGHHAGHGAHRGREHARG."

(Translation: The Ring Bearer must be around here somewhere. I sense it.)

"GHHHRHR -sniff- GRGRGRGEHE DR. SCHOLLS HEHAAGRARG. ARGRGA."

(Translation: All I sense is -sniff- manure, tacos, and Dr. Scholl's foot powder. And ham.)

"AERHAE. AARRGGRGAGHHAGRGRGRHHAHAG."

(Translation: Ah, crap. Oh well, I guess we might as well look somewhere else.)

"AHRGGRGHDHEAHAGHAAREHGRGARAEEHRGWRAEAEARAEARAEGGRHGEGEAAEARREEHHRRGRGAARAERAERHGRHEGRAERARARARABGRHRHEGGAGAARARARGEGEGEHHAHAHAGGEERHGREGHERGARARAGERHRGEHGEERRARA."

(Translation: Okay.)

The black demons left, and Sonic breathed a sigh of relief. No one said anything for about a minute. Eventually Tails and Atomsk, who seemed to be sharing brainwaves at the time, blurted out what everyone else was thinking.

"WHAT THE FLIPPITY-FLOPPITY WERE THOSE?"

"Bad things. I'm not 100 sure myself."

"But I thought you knew all about Lord Of The Rings!"

"Well, I know the basic premise. I mean I do own Lord Of The Rings. I just haven't paid that much attention."

"Wait, do you own the movie or the book?"

"They made a book about it?"

"Oh dear…"

"Okay, listen. What does it matter? I mean, I know where we're supposed to go, I know what we're supposed to do, so, no problems, right?"

"Aaaaaaaaaand if we're screwed and we know it clap your hands…" -clap--clap- "If we're screwed and we know it clap your hands…" -clap--clap-

"Okay, I get the point. Let me put it this way: what other choice do we have? Huh? We've got to get out of here as fast as we can. Who knows what plan Eggman is hatching (no pun intended) at this very second?"

-At Eggman's base-

-click- "Today in the news…" -click- "Car 12 is three seconds ahead…" -click- "Like sands in the hourglass, so are the days of…" -CLICK- "…and now, back to 'Celebrity Pudding Wrestling'!"

"Eeeeeeeexcellent…"

-Back with Sonic (not a moment too soon)-

Everyone looked around in silence. Sonic did speak the truth. Sonic's knowledge of LOTR, though minimal, was still greater than that of any of the others. He was their only hope. Amy stepped forward.

"I say we go with Sonic." Sonic was as surprised as everyone else. "If my Shmoopsie says it's the right thing to do, it's the right thing to do."

"Well, I guess so. I mean she DID use the word 'shmoopsie'."

"All right. Let's keep going."

"Yeah!" They ran away once again.

-Later on at night-

Sonic and friends had come upon a huge door which apparently led into a sort of small 'hideaway' town. Built into the door was a large square peephole through which Sonic could see two eyes.

"Whaddaya want?"

"Um, me and my friends are just looking for somewhere to spend the night."

"Really? Well, my bed is off limits."

"What? No! I meant, like, an inn or something."

"Oh… oh, right. Yeah, okay. Come on in." The doors opened and Team Sonic stepped into the small town. The small eyes, by the way, belonged to a 4-foot-tall old man clad in a suit made out of lettuce. The cobblestone pathways were lined with small houses and shops. Eventually, they came across a sign for 'The Pratfalling Pony Inn'. They stepped inside and walked to the counter where a man of 7 or 8 feet was staring at them.

"HI!"

"Hi there. We'd like a room for the night."

"I'M BOB!"

"Okay… hi, Bob. So, we'd like a room…"

"I LIKE CHEESE!"

"That wonderful. So can we…"

"DO YOU LIKE CHEESE?"

"Cheese is okay. Now could we please get a room?"

"I'M BOB!"

"Riiiiiiight… say, Bob, shouldn't you be at home watching Spongebob Squarepants?"

"CHEEEEEEEESE!" Another man came to the counter.

"Bob! What are you doing out of your cage? And why are you wearing lipstick and mascara?"

"I'M BOB!"

"Get back in your cage! You've already lost your food privileges, do you want to lose your air and gravity privileges too? Now get!" The man pushed Bob into a back room. "I'm sorry about that. Now what can I do for you…" He glanced at Sonic and his friends. "…people?"

"We need a room for the night."

"Okay. We only have one room, and there are only 3 beds, so two people need to sleep in each bed." Amy immediately smiled and looked at Sonic. Rouge also smiled and looked at Knuckles. Tails and Atomsk looked at each other, and shared looks of utter disgust.

"Thanks… I guess." Sonic and the gang began walking upstairs. Atomsk suddenly stood still. "What is it?"

"I lost the ring."

"WHAT?" Sonic jumped down the stairs and began frantically searching the floor. After about ten minutes, he found it. "Oh, hallelujah! I found it!"

"Good for you, Sonic!"

"You know, this thing looks pretty cool. I wonder what it would… look like on me…" Sonic stared at the ring deeply. The others looked slightly worried.

"Sonic? Are you… okay?" Sonic stood motionless.

"My… my precious…"

"Sonic!" Sonic looked slowly up.

"Psych! Got you!"

"Sonic! You got me all worried for nothing! Mr. Whack Whack doesn't like that." Amy held up her hammer.

"PUT AWAY MR. WHACK WHACK! PUT AWAY MR. WHACK WHACK!"

"Oh, Mr. Whack Whack isn't going away. Come heeeeeeere, Sonic!" Amy ran towards Sonic, hammer over head. Sonic immediately ran away. The rest of Team Sonic enjoyed the show.

"DON'T HIT ME!" Amy swung towards Sonic and missed, crushing a table. "I'M FRAGILE!" Once again, swing and a miss. "PLEASE! I'M… wait a minute…" Sonic looked at the ring in his hand. Sonic smiled and put the ring on his finger. Sonic disappeared.

"Sonic! You take that ring off and get back here!"

"Now you can't see me! Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya! Now you can't… AHHHHHH!" -SQUISH- Sonic was apparently too caught up to realize that Bob was wandering around again, and that he had a tendency to trip over invisible hedgehogs.

"Serves you right. Come on, guys." Amy and the others walked upstairs leaving Sonic stuck between the floor and Bob's bellybutton. "Night, Sonic!"

"Help… me…"

"See you in the mornin', Son-Son!"

"IT SMELLS LIKE CHEESE UNDER HERE! BAAAAAAAAAAD CHEESE!"

"Good niiiiight!"

"BAD CHEESE AND CABBAGE! BAAAAAAAAAAD CHEESE AND BAAAAAAAAAAD CABBAGE! AND FEET! BAD CHEESE AND BAD CABBAGE AND…"

-The next morning-

"…AND CABBAGE, AND FEET, AND CHICKEN MCNUGGETS! OLD CHICKEN MCNUGGETS!" As Sonic continued ranting about what Bob smelled like, Amy and the other climbed down the stairs.

"-yawn- Mornin' Sonic."

"AMY? IS THAT YOU? FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HAPPY HELP ME OUT!"

"Oh okay. Hey, Bob! There's a chicken outside!" Bob immediately lifted his head.

"CHICKEN?" Bob stood up and jumped through the window. "CHICKEEEEEEEEEN!" As Bob ran off on his chicken chase, Sonic stood up slowly and walked over to Amy.

"That… was not nice. I will now vent my anger in an unreasonable way. TAILS!"

"What, Soni-" -SQUISH- "AHHHH! MY SMALL INTESTINE! OOHHH…" -thunk-

"Well, that was fun."

--INTERMISSION--

--END INTERMISSION--

"So where do we go now?"

"To the one big volcano-y thing."

"And… HOW do we get there?"

"Um… we ask the guy at the counter?" Sonic smiled and walked to the counter. "Excuse me, fine sir."

"What can I do you for?"

"We would like to know how to get to…" Sonic looked at a piece of paper. "More… door?" The innkeeper gasped.

"You wish to go to Canada? Are you insane? Alan Thicke lives up there for cripes' sake!"

"No, no! We need to get to Mordor! And that Mount Doom place! Do you know where Mordor is?"

"Sure I do."

"Well where the flip-dippity is it?"

"5 miles west of Lessdor." A silence filled the air. "3 miles east of Lottador. 12 miles north of Nodoratall. 5 miles southwest of Wishihaddador. 27 miles northeast of Thisisnottador."

"Heaven help us…"

"On the way you should stay at the Dor-Stop..."

"Okay, I get it. KNUCKLES!" Knuckles walked over to Sonic.

"What is it?"

"Was that better or worse than the puns in Mean Bean Machine? Ya know, Davy Sprocket and Humpty's 'Please egg-scuse me,' and all that."

"I'd say worse."

"My sentiments exactly. Innkeep! Come over here." The innkeeper walked over to Sonic. "Walk ten paces that-a-way and bend over." The innkeeper did so with a disturbed look on his face. "FORE!"

"No, that's the FLOOR, actua-" -BOOT- "WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" -CRASH-

"Wow. Right through two stories. Nice one, Sonic."

"A-thank you."

"Yeah! Wight on, Sonic!"

"TWIGGY! Wait, what are you doing on the roof?"

"Well, I was in the Shiwe setting the wutabaga salesman on fiwe, when…" Twiggy stopped talking.

"When what?"

"What? Oh… it's just that you usually shut me up at this time."

"No, please. Continue."

"Okay. So, as the wutabaga guy wan awound scweaming bloody muwdew, I saw a magic wainbow that smelled like bubblegum and doody gas pop out of an oak twee, so I walked ovew and fouw squiwwels came out and stawted singing the theme song to Spongebob Squawepants hip-hop style, and…"

"NEVER MIND! Ay-yi-yi…"

"I always wondered how long Twiggy could talk before causing brain damage to everyone within listening range."

"Come on, let's go." Sonic exited the inn, his eye twitching. The others followed, including a newly reborn Tails, and Twiggy eventually fell through the hole in the roof and landed squarely on Bob, who'd returned to the inn.

"Hi thewe!"

"HI! I'M BOB! YOU FUZZY CHICKEN! COME HERE CHICKEN!"

"Uh-oh."

-Later, on the woods, Sonic and friends are faced with a choice-

Sonic led the gang up a wooded path which ended up at the edge of the woods. At the edge, the road split into three paths, which were marked with a signpost. The sign read 'Right: Caves of Certain Doom, Left: Death-Hazard Mountain, and Straight Ahead: Happy Bunny Forest.'

"Wow. Difficult choice. Come on, guys. Happy Bunny Forest it is."

"You don't want to be doin' that." Sonic turned around quickly. Shadow was standing directly behind him, and the sight of him gave Sonic a bit of a jump.

"Shadow! How'd you get here?"

"I still do not know who this 'Shadow' character is, and I wish you would stop referring to me as him. I am Shandolf, the…"

"Yes I know. Shandolf the Black. So, refresh me. Why would we not want to go into the Happy Bunny Forest again?"

"Why? WHY! I'll tell you exactly why. That forest is evil. PURE evil. Evil so… evil, that the devil himself would shudder at the mention of its name. Do you know what's in there? Within that forest are demons… demons so horrible… so wretched that your soul would shrivel up to nothing but a… SOUL RAISIN if they so much as touched you. You take one step into the Happy Bunny Forest… you'll be lucky to leave with your kidneys." Everyone's jaw was now wide open. Shadow then took out a small box from behind his back. "Here are some Band-Aids. Enjoy your trip." 'Shandolf' walked away, leaving Sonic to contemplate his choice in direction.

"Ah, he can't possibly be telling the truth."

-Later, in the Caves of Certain Doom-

"I can't believe he was telling the truth…"

"Bu… b-bunnies… the b-bunnies… they were… EVERYWHERE!"

"Yes, we know. We all know."

"BUNNIES! HELP! MOMMY!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" -SLAP- "It's alright! We are all alright!" -SLAP- "Stop overreacting!" -SLAPSLAPSLAP- "Just calm down!" -SLAPPITYSLAPPITYSLAPSLAP- "Okay?"

"O-okay."

"Thank you." -SLAP- "Now let's get going. We have a lot of cave to get through." Sonic continued to walk through the silent and lifeless cavern. And, for no apparent reason, Tails began talking in the fourth person.

"The area the group occupied was a great hall, filled with pillars which seemed to go on infinitely in every direction. The ceiling, which was too high to see, loomed over them with an ominous darkness. Tails was uncertain what to make of it, but did not say anything, at risk of having aorta unceremoniously removed via his nose."

"And yet it's STILL not as annoying as 'It's A Small World After All'."

"Wait! What was that!" Everyone stopped moving.

"Team Sonic stood motionless as each member tried to determine the sound which was slowly building up within the cavernous hallway. It sounded like footsteps; Tails could only hope that it was not the sound his own narrative speech that led whatever was following them to their location. He wondered if his talking right then was only further sealing the fate of the group of heroes…"

"TAILS! SHUT THE FLUDGE UP!" Sonic raised his hand. "YOU WANT A FRESH ONE!" Tails was now quivering on the floor. Sonic lowered his hand. "I apologize. I was just a bit frustrated. Now let's keep moving. And for MELVIN'S sake be quiet! Jeez… I'm working with a bunch of tater-brains here… come on." Sonic kept walking, and everyone followed after a momentary awkward silence.

(A.N. Awkward… that's a funny word! Like… flibbertigibbet! And butterball! That is also a funny word! Yes, I know, this really has no point. Sorry to waste your time. Butterball!)

-Later, near a rocky precipice of doom (that still isn't HALF as scary as Happy Bunny Forest)-

The cave was slowly transforming from a finely crafted hallway to a rickety pathway of unaltered rock. According to Sonic (who was a real LOTR whiz, yeah $#&!#$! right,) they were nearly out, and the only thing that stood between them and the exit was a 3-inch-thick 2-foot-wide rock bridge overlooking an endless dark abyss of certain (splatter-y or fiery) death. This was a less-than-pleasant turn of events, and it evoked a less-than-pleasant reaction, to say the least.

"WHAT THE FLAMING #$!&?"

"Oh, relax. It's not that… bad…" Knuckles looked over the edge and gulped.

"NOT THAT BAD! NOT… THAT… BAD! IF YOU THINK FOR ONE SECOND THAT I'M GOING TO WALK OVER THAT… OVER THAT…"

"Chasm of definite fatality?"

"...OVER THAT CHASM OF DEFINITE FATALITY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL COVER YOURSELF IN STRING CHEESE AND TACO SEASONING AND RUN AROUND IN THE SNOW SCREAMING 'I'M HAPPY DAN THE JELL-O MAN!'"

"Okay, that makes no sense whatsoever."

"IT DOESN'T HAVE TO! IT… DOESN'T… HAVE… TO!"

"Okay, now you're scaring me Sonic."

"THAT'S GOOD! EMBRACE THE FEAR! EMBRACE IT! DANCE WITH ME! DANCE THE DANCE OF FEAR!"

"SONIC!" -SLAP- "Snap out of it!"

"Um… thanks, Amy. I… probably needed that. But, don't do it again."

"One more for luck." -SLAP- "Now listen, all we have to do is cross this bridge like so." Amy daintily stepped across the bridge, and was soon on the other side. The demented side of Sonic's mind secretly wanted her to fall, just to say 'I knew it. See? You shoulda listened to me.' Amy turned around. "See? Easy. Now you try." Tails shrugged his shoulders and stepped onto the bridge. Sonic couldn't resist.

"YOU'RE GONNA FALL!" Tails turned quickly.

"What?" -trip- "WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HELP ME!" Tails began falling into the endless rocky void. Sonic slapped himself in the forehead.

"OH, COME ON! YOU CAN FLY, TAILS!"

"WHAT? OH, RIGHT!" Tails bashfully flew up to the cliff where Amy stood. Amy pointed to Knuckles.

"You next, Big Red."

"You calling me gum?"

"Just walk." Knuckles jumped up and glided over the bridge. "Maybe I don't FEEL like walking. So there. Nya." Knuckles stuck his tongue out. Amy pointed to Rouge.

"Come on. You too."

"You have to be kidding!"

"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."

(A.N. Airplane! reference.)

"Ooooookay… well, here goes nothing." Rouge got a running start and jumped and glided over as Knuckles did. Amy pointed to Atomsk.

"C'mon." Atomsk turned to Sonic and backflipped onto the bridge. He then walked casually across and was soon with the others. Sonic now stood alone.

"Come on, Sonic!"

"Yes, you might want to be moving, Sonic." Sonic turned around to see 'Shandolf' standing mere inches away from him.

"AAH! Man, don't you ever knock?"

"Knock what?"

"You know, knock."

"What knock?"

"Knock knock!"

"Shut up, Tails. And, never mind, Shandolf."

"Right… so, like I said, you might want to be moving quickly across that bridge now."

"And what reason could I possibly have to do that?"

"Funny you should ask… here they come now." Sonic was too caught up in talking that he hadn't realized that the sound which the group had been hearing earlier was back, and growing. Sonic looked over Shadow's shoulder, and he saw something moving towards him. As the moving entity came closer, it became obvious to Team Sonic what was approaching. This time, not just Tails but everybody yelled out in unison what they were thinking.

"BUNNIES!"

-TO BE CONTINUED-

Don'tcha just HATE it when they do that to you? Coming soon in episode X-Will Team Sonic escape the bunnies? Will they find their way out of the cave? Will they destroy the ring? Will this whole thing end? Will they end up in the real world? Will I stop asking all these questions? Will I actually get around to writing episode X? God only knows. Episode X-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Three