Death Bologna

Holy crap-crunk doodle McDiddly it's been a while. Mainly due to writer's block and laziness. (And being without an internet connection for an ungodly, and I do mean UNGODLY amount of time.) But FINALLY, DUM DA-DA-DUM! EPISODE 10! Man... it's been such a long time, and several people have been waiting for this episode so eagerly (I assume), I R-E-A-L-L-Y hope I don't disappoint. Really. I mean... there's no pressure... but... if this episode turns out crappy... then... I...-twitch-...MOTHERFU-

(WE APOLOGIZE, BUT THIS INTRO IS EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. THE AUTHOR IS BEING SEDATED AND STRAPPED DOWN AS WE SPEAK. IN THE MEAN TIME, ON WITH THE SHOW!)

-Disclaimer (not to be confused the anti-sclamming lotion, De-Sclammer)-

I do not own Sega, Sonic Team, Cheerios, Juicyfruit, Volvo, Cheese Doodles, or LOTR. In the words of Mike King (AKA Metal Sonic EX), bite me!

Episode X-The Furryship Of The Rings, Part Three

-PREVIOUSLY-

"BUNNIES!"

-AND NOW, BACK TO THE STORY-

"BUNNIES!"

-ONE MORE TIME-

"BUNNIES!"

-AND NOW, IN GERMAN-

"HÄSCHEN!"

-Seriously, though, back to the story-

"BUNNIES!" The group watched in horror as thousands upon thousands of ravenous bunnies came rushing towards them at full velocity. Their red eyes shone and pulsated through the dark, and their razor-sharp teeth glistened with what little light was inside the cave. Yes, it was a tidal wave of pure bunny hell.

"So... you're back to finish the job, eh? WELL, COME AND GET SOME YOU CARROT-CHEWIN' RATS WITH FUR!" Knuckles had to be restrained by Tails and Atomsk. "LEMME AT 'EM! LEMME... lemme... at... them... rats... -SNORE-" It was lucky for everyone that Amy always had her 'anti-wiggy-wiggy' sedative syringes with her.

"Well, now that that's done, SONIC GET YOUR FUZZY BLUE BUTT OVER THIS BRIDGE!" Sonic whimpered.

"But I don't wanna..."

"GET OVER HERE OR ELSE...!" Amy then broke the world record by going from demon to angel in 2.8 seconds flat. "Oh, Sooooooooonic! I'll give you a kiss if you come over here!"

"Yeeeeeeeah... can I have cash instead?"

"SONIC!"

"Demon's back."

"SHUT UP! SONIC, MOVE IT!"

"ALRIGHT! I WAS JUST KIDDING! Honestly... okay, here goes nothin'." Sonic took one step onto the bridge. "Okay. I must do this like a man. Hedgehog. Hedgehog man." Sonic inhaled deeply. "WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Sonic closed his eyes and ran across the bridge with all the grace of a construction worker on ice skates, flailing his arms around and screaming like a little girl. Or Tails, if you prefer. After a few... awkward seconds, Sonic was safe and sound on the other side of the bridge. He slowly opened his eyes.

"Congrats, fuzz-butt."

"I made it?" Sonic looked down and realized that he was standing on solid rock. "I MADE IT! YEAH! WHOO! I RULE! YOU ALL SUCK! I'M THE BEST!"

"Okay, Sonic. We get it."

"OH, YEAH! NUMBAH ONE! MAD SKILLZ!"

"WE GET IT, Sonic."

"I'M GREAT!"

"Sonic..."

"YOU CAN ALL KISS MY-"

"SONIC!" -BIG, PAINFUL SMACK- "SHUT your FLAPPING PIE HOLE!" Sonic's face now sported a brand-new red mark in the shape of a hand. Suddenly, Shadow's voice arose from across the bridge.

"Quick! You must be going children! They are coming!"

"Children?"

"Quickly! There's no time!" Sonic again gazed at the horde of rampaging rabbits.

"Shan-duh is right. We gotta go now!"

"Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now!"

"Tails, if you say one more word I will staple your upper lip to your forehead."

"But it's catchy! Gotta go, gotta go, gotta HOLY-" -k-CHIK k-CHIK- "OW!" Sonic put the stapler away.

"What did we learn?"

"You are a maniac?"

"That's right. More specifically, a maniac with a stapler."

"Let's hear it for random acts of violence!" Knuckles gave a thumbs up and winked.

"Let's go!"

"Right!" Sonic and pals ran away from the bridge at full speed, leaving 'Shandolf' behind to stop the horde of bunnies. With a flash, he produced a long staff and moved to the center of the bridge. The bunnies were now about to move onto the bridge. With a mighty swoosh, Shadow slammed his staff down onto the rocky bridge and screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

"You can't be bleeping serious." The bunnies moved closer.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" The bunnies came even closer.

"YOU SHALL NO- WAAAAAAH!" -trample trample trample- "AH! OOF! WAH! URGH!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Knuckles and Atomsk couldn't help but laugh as they watched Shadow get trampled by several hundred stampeding rabbits. He didn't seem too pleased.

"DO NOT LAUGH AT ME! I AM A PIMP! PIMPITY BOO-YAH! OW!" One final rabbit nailed Shadow right in the noggin, putting him in a rather amusing stars-circling-around tongue-hanging-out semi-comatose state.

"STOP!" A loud, booming voice suddenly filled the cave. Every man, hedgehog, or bunny froze in its tracks.

"What?"

"Who?"

"Pimp?"

"IT IS I! THE GREAT CREATOR!"

"Baskin Robbins?"

"SHUT UP TAILS! IT IS I, KINETIKAI!"

(A.N. Note my awesome cameo. Oh yes, it is the good stuff.)

"Kineti-who?"

"KINETIKAI! I AM THE ONE WHO CREATED YOU, YOUR LIVES, AND YOUR ACTIONS! I AM THE SUPREME BEING OF THIS WORLD!"

"Wait... I thought the pope was the supreme-"

"FORGET THE POPE! THERE ISN'T EVEN A POPE IN YOUR WORLD!"

"Oh, right. Then... how did I know that? I'm not supposed to have this knowledge! I'm freaking out here! THIS WORLD MAKES NO SENSE! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Knuckles ran off the cliffside screaming, to the somewhat amusement of the others.

"Oooookay... sure. So, O Kinetikai, what's the dilly-o?"

"NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN."

"Sorry."

"GETTING TO THE POINT, THE DEAL IS THAT THIS PAR-TIC-ULAR EPISODE IS JUST PLAIN SILLY. SILLY, POINTLESS, AND... OOOOHHH BIZA-R-R-E WIBBIDY WOMBLY STUFF!"

"Well, duh. I mean, half the stuff that Tails does could qualify him as mentally unstable."

"Sonic has a point. Watch!" Tails pulled out a pair of scissors out of nowhere and snipped off a tuft of fur from Sonic's head for no apparent reason.

"Oy! What in the world was that!"

"Hedge trimmers!" Tails cocked his head and smiled as a rage-filled silence filled the room. After a few seconds, Sonic grabbed Tails arm and broke the silence.

"Tails, I will put this bluntly. If you ever... EVER make a pun like that again, I will smack the orange off of you and you will become clear blob of gooey fuzz."

"YES. NO MORE PUNS. I WILL SMITE THEE. PAINFULLY SO."

"Okay, okay. Settle down, hedgie-man."

"GOOD. NOW, WE HAVE TO SQUEEZE TWO-AND-A-HALF MOVIES WORTH OF FUNNY INTO HALF A CHAPTER. SO QUIT THE SILLINESS AND GET A MOVE ON!"

"Sa right my boogie!" Sonic turned back to the rest of the Fuzz 4 Brains lot. "Come on, people! Let's go go tomato!"

"Right!" Everyone then began running in random directions, eventually falling off the cliff one way or another. After respawning, Sonic clarified.

"Good start! But this time, go towards the exit!"

"That's even better!" Sonic and the rest began running again. This time they actually stayed on solid ground. Pity.

"You know, this cave isn't too bad a place." Rouge began looking around the cave. "It's quiet, spacious... I might just get a summer home up here. You know, a little cavern getaway." Tails immediately turned to Rouge.

"Sweet jeepers, Batgirl! I guess that would make this the Batcave!"

"ENOUGH!" A bolt of lightning suddenly appeared out of nowhere, striking Tails in the head and causing him to disappear.

-In the woods, somewhere-

-Reappearing BOINK- "Where... where am I?" Tails looked around as a trumpet fanfare played in the distance.

"What's that sound? Footsteps of some sort? Actually, it almost sounds like... OHMYGODITSADOG!" Tails screamed as a foxhound grabbed hold of him and kept running. "Ahhhhh! This was not the greyhound I was expecting to catch!"

"In Soviet Russia, greyhound catches you!"

"Oh, shut up, Yakov!"

-Back in da cave-

"Who wears short shorts?"

"I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!"

"Who eats Cheerios?"

"I WEAR SHORT SHORTS!" Sonic sped onward, shouting bizarre cheers at his comrades. Suddenly, for no apparent reason, Sonic tangoed right off the edge of the cliff while dressed as a large stick of Juicyfruit gum. Knuckles then proceeded to blow up a Volvo dealership, while Tails played pinball with a couple of bearded antelopes. Amy then ate 12 sticks of butter, and simultaneously George Bush misplaced the White House. At the same time, I appeared in the cave in the form of John Cleese floating upside down and wearing a green top hat. Then, some other weird stuff happened, oh, and by the way, the guys destroyed the One Ring in the fires of Mount Doom and saved the day. The end.

Random Fanboy - What? What the crap! That's it? How can you end the story like that? You can't just compress that much movie into a single paragraph! And what's with the randomness? And how did you suddenly go from normal writing to screenplay-style writing? YOU CONFUSE ME! I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN! YOU WILL BURN FOREVER!

Kinetikai - Sorry. Them's the breaks.

Random Fanboy - GRAAAAAAARGH! -Spontaneous combustion noises-

Kinetikai - Alrighty. Now that that's over with, let's take a long trip on a short bus back to normality. Clap on. -CLAP CLAP-

-In darkness-

"Whoa! What just happened?"

"Yeah! And... where'd all the dark come from?"

"And who's... Norman Krandolf?"

"Norman Krandolf? What in the world are you talking... ohhh..." Sonic turned around and noticed a series of giant white letters rising up from the floor, which spelled out N-O-R-M-A-N-K-R-A-N-D-O-L-F.

"That's... um... yeah... right..."

"Hey, look! There's another one! Martin... Floogenheimer?"

"It's pronounced 'Smith', Knuckles."

"Sorry. I can't read. But I'm learning! I'm gaining knowledge!"

"And knowledge is power!"

"Be quiet."

"Holy crap! I... I think I know where we are!"

"Where?"

"We're in... we're in... (wait for it to sink in...) the END CREDITS!" -Dramatic DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!-

-TO BE CONTINUED-

-RIGHT ABOUT NOW-

"We're in... the end credits!"

"You just said that."

"I know. I was recapping for the people at home."

"What people?"

"Fourth wall! YOU'RE BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!"

"Oh, take a pill or something."

"Hey, did Knuckles just disappear for two seconds?"

"Who cares?"

"Wait a second. What is that?" Sonic noticed something rising up from the floor, sitting atop one of the giant letters. It was... something furry... something familiar... something potentially mentally handicapped...

"Hi evewybody!"

"TWIGGY!"

-TO BE CONTINUED-

"Oh, just cut it out."

-SORRY-

"Twiggy! What are you doing here?"

"I was just a-cwuisin' downtown in my Aspawagusmobile looking for the All-Nite Veggie-Fest in Chucklemebuckle, Montana when..."

"Yeah, okay. We get the point. Now go away and play 'Let's Stand In Front of a Moving Bus'."

"You know, come to think of it, we didn't really reach a 'point' of any kind during that last verbal transaction." Sonic pondered Knuckles sudden and odd usage of words longer than one syllable.

"I realize that, but do you really want to stick around listening to him until we do?" Knuckles took a second to think.

"Good point. Well made. Go on."

"Thank you. Now go stand in front of a moving bus."

"Okey-dokey, awtichoke-y! Off I go, to... hey, look! It's the top of the scwee-"

-SATISFYING SQUISH-

Sonic, Knuckles, and Atomsk shared a chuckle. "Ah... no matter how many times I hear that sound it never gets old."

"And yet... somehow I feel he'll be coming back very soon..."

Atomsk smiled. "Oh, come on. What're the odds of that?" Everyone turned to face Atomsk. "Yeah, I know. Excuse me for being positive."

"I'm sad now."

"Yeah." Amy turned to face the scrolling names. "How long are these credits? They've been going on for like... a... like... long time."

"I know. How many people worked on this movie, anyway?"

"Well, I'm no good at judging numbers, but by what I've seen so far, I'd say between 3 and 6 billion. Give or take, you know?"

"So... we just wait?"

"Like a guy in a bank standing behind an elderly lady counting out $3000 worth of pennies. We wait."

"Arrgh..." Shadow shook his fist at the giant white letters. "CURSE YOU, PRODUCTION ASSISTANT MEG WAFFLEHOUSEN!"

"Wait... Shadow! You're back! And... you're normal!"

"CURSE YOU TO DEATH, WAFFLEHOUSEN! I WILL STEAL YOUR SOUL!"

"...within reason."

"Yeah. So, what's going down, Shadow? You were acting a bit... uh..."

"Funked up."

"Pretty much." Shadow, who now moved on to cursing 2nd gaffer Jim Juicebuggy, finally seemed to notice that someone other than the voices in his head was talking to him.

"Say wha?"

"What was with the whole weird 'Shandolf' thing?"

"'Shandolf'? Ohhh... you must have encountered my twin." Eyes open wider. The plot thickens.

"Did you say 'twin'?"

"What? No. I said... um... 'tin'...'can'. I... have a tin can that slightly... resembles me..." Eyes go back to normal. The plot thins out again.

"Yeah..." A few minutes of steady, semi-awkward silence passed. Suddenly, Knuckles noticed something.

"I'm noticing something!" All eyes turned to Knuckles, then to his pointing finger, then to the credits, which he was pointing at. "The credits are ending!" It was true. The final names, logos, and various bits and bobs of credit-y goodness rose up and out of sight. Suddenly, -Dramatic gasp!- just as the final letters vanished from sight, a new object became increasingly more visible. It looked like a TV screen, only it kept growing in size until it was the size of a movie screen. All of a sudden, an image began to form on the giant screen.

"It's... it's... IT'S...!"

-TO BE CONTI--

"Oh, would somebody punch him out!"

Knuckles pulled a pair of nunchuks out of nowhere. "Ninja?"

"Not yet. Down, boy. Now, as I was saying... IT'S..." -LARGE DRAMATIC PAUSE- "EGGMAN!"

"Gasp!"

"Wait... is he... in his UNDERWEAR?"

"Gasp and retch!" It was sadly true. The sight that greeted the furry bunch was gruesome indeed. Eggman was sitting on what appeared to be an overstuffed sofa, holding an unidentifiable bottle in one hand and wearing nothing but a pair of tiiiiiiight tighty-whities and his signature two-broom 'stache.

"AAAAAAAHHHH! MY EYES! MY EYES!" Nearly everyone began covering their eyes while shrieking in pain.

"SONIC! NOOOOOOOO!"

"LOOK AWAY, AMY! LOOK AWAY!" -Spontaneous combustion noises- "AMY? AMY!" Sonic looked behind him, seeing only a pair of smoking pink shoes. Not 'smoking' as in 'fashionable' or 'attractive'. I mean 'smoking' as in 'holy crap, Amy just blew the &#! up'.

"What're you doing in there? You're not part of the Lord of the Rings movie!" Sonic was too shocked to notice that Eggman had stood up and was now moving towards the screen. "Where's the blasted rewind button?" Eggman's stomach and underwear were now in Def-Con 4 range.

"So... disgusting..." -Large, squishy explosions-

"NO! Shadow... Knuckles... Rouge... everyone... EGGMAN! YOU MONSTER!" Eggman fiddled with the knobs on his TV, unaware of the exploding furries strewn around the bottom of the screen.

"I really should contact that video store... MAN that itches." Eggman's hand began moving in what seemed like slow-motion.

"NOOOOOO! DON'T SCRATCH! TOO... HORRIBLE... TO... COMPREHEND!" Eggman's hand kept moving further and further... and to add do the disgusting factor, Eggman had accidentally dropped the remote and was now bending over to pick it up. "PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! NO SCRATCHY!" Sonic ran to the screen and began pounding it furiously with his hands. "PLEASE! STOP!" But these cries fell on deaf ears. The scratch had begun.

"Ahhhh... now THAT feels good. Yarr... where be my Cheese Doodles?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" -Loud, hedgehog-y explosion-

-In the house of Sonic, 3:01 A.M.-

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sonic bolted upright, beads of sweat dripping off of each of his quills. "I... wha... where... I'm..." Sonic looked around. "I'm... in my bed. It... it was all just a dream. It was all just a dream!" Sonic smiled, still surveying his surroundings. "It was all just a... dream?" Sonic's smile turned into a grimace. "All of it... a dream? Ugh... how terribly cliché..." Sonic hopped out of bed. "Oh well..."

Sonic plodded his way downstairs, flipping on the kitchen light switch and sitting at the table. "I need some grapefruit juice." Sonic stood up again with a grunt and ambled over to the fridge. He opened the door, and fell backwards in shock as a single red-eyed rabbit leaped out of the fridge and hopped its way out the kitchen window. Sonic quickly righted himself and grabbed a large wheel of cheese out of the refrigerator, which he began eating nervously.

"No... -munch- this is just a coincidence... -munch munch- it was all just a dream... -CHOMP-... it was all just a dream..."

Suddenly, a voice arose from a darkened corner. "Was it? Was it all a dream?" The figure stepped into the light, revealing himself as Shadow, in a full 'Shandolf' getup.

"Well, spin me sideways and call me Rita."

"So, I ask again. Was it all a dream? Or... or perhaps... is your grasp on reality not as tight as you think it to be?"

"Were you dropped on your head as a child? Like, repeatedly? From the top of the Sears Tower?"

"Maybe. I suppose..." Shadow gazed toward the ray of moonlight shining through the kitchen window. "...we shall never know."

"Oh, don't worry. I know." Sonic looked around. "Hey, where are the others?"

"Good question. Where... ARE they?"

"Okay, yeah, I'm gonna go back to sleep. And if I don't get any real answers by morning I'll cover your head in steak and hang you upside-down over a pool of hungry piranhas."

"Or... WILL you?"

-5 minutes later-

"Okay... so you WILL." -Piranhas chomping below-

"Yep. Nighty-night. Sleep tight. Don't let the piranhas bite." Sonic mock saluted the hanging 'Shandolf' and walked back to the house. "Now, where's that wheel of cheese..."

Coming soon in episode XI-Ta-da! The Furryship has ended, and the journey begins anew. However, questions still remain! Was it all really just a dream? Who was the BOOBITABOOBITA bandit? Will Shadow survive the night over the piranha pool? And, if he doesn't, will anyone care? All will be revealed... soon! -Ish! Episode XI-Back To Reality... Dang It