Death Bologna Chapter 12: Chainsaw Therapy, a sonic the hedgehog fanfic

Death Bologna

H-O-L-Y space C-R-A-P! Yes, I know. Another excruciatingly long break between chapters. Although, 'break' is hardly a fitting word. 'Galaxy-sized rift' would probably be more appropriate. I would gather that most of you have lost interest in this fic entirely, however I'm sure some loyal followers are still looking forward to the continuation of this thing, and are wondering what the POOF has been going on. Well, let's just say that I've bitten off more than I can chew, project-wise. I'm writing, composing, FFR-ing, flash animating, and getting more than my fill of online games. All at the same time. With the same keyboard (which, thankfully, has not yet spontaneously combusted). Oh, yeah, and my compy crashed again. AGAIN! Not to mention the fact that I'm quite astounding good at procrastinating. Heck, it took me two days to write this intro. I'm THAT good.

I know. It's no excuse. I'm sorry. I really am. I never expected it to get this out of hand.

Fear not, though. My computer is back up and running, and from now on I will be focusing mainly on fanfic writing, so you should be expecting a new chapter of this (or Lost in Reality, or Wilywood, or Bartlett & Pimpsworthy Gaming Syndicate, if I decide to release it) every couple of days... maybe even quicker, if I get enough Sobe into my system. This writing spur will continue until I take a planned sabbatical around the halfway point of the fic. Yes, PLANNED. Plus, as an added bonus, expect a super-special surprise around chapter 17. I'm sure you can hardly contain the excitement.

Note: If this kind of unwarranted breakdown in fanfic-ing should occur again, you should know that you, the readers, have every right to come over to my apartment and pimp-slap me with a metal spatula.

So, talking aside, for the two or three of you who've been waiting patiently, an extra-extra-EXTRA-long chappie awaits below. This one's been in the works for several months. Does it show? Heck no! Enjoy!

-Disclaimer! From the people who brought you -Warning!-, -Stop!-, and -Please note!-

I do not own Sonic, Sega, Tylenol, Chevrolet, Sobe, Cheerios, Hello Kitty, Spyro the Dragon, Disney, Home Depot or anything related. Um... so there. Yeah. Whatcha gonna do now? Huh? Punk?

Episode XII-Chainsaw Therapy

The two men in black suits remained immobile on the testing room floor. For the second time, the man on the left posed the eternal question to the round man in the box. "Seriously! Who the crap are you?" Eggman stood in his viewing booth, now quite befuddled.

"-K-SHOOK- Ummmmm... -K-SHOOK-" Eggman turned to Scratch who just shrugged his shoulders. Befuddled, Eggman search for the right response.

"Well?"

"-K-SHOOK- Corn... flakes? -K-SHOOK-" This, obviously, was not the right response.

"Dr. Cornflakes, eh? Well, that's all fine and lovely, but I have a lunch appointment in about 20 minutes so if you could-"

"-K-SHOOK!- No! No! My name is Dr. Eggman! Er... Dr. Robotnik! I am the greatest evil mastermind to ever walk the face of the earth!"

"Yeah, well-"

"-K-SHOOK!-"

"Riiiiiiiiight... Well, I've never heard of you."

"-K-SHOOK- But... we met last year! At the annual Mad Scientists' Meet-N-Greet Breakfast Buffet! -K-SHOOK-" The men looked at each other again for a second.

"Oooooooohhhhhhh. NOW I remember you. You're the really fat one! The really fat egg-shaped guy! With pencil-like legs!" This remark made Eggman quite angry indeed. Few insulted his legs and lived to tell the tale. Danoyse did not know this fact.

"-K-SHOOK- Silence! I will not be made fun of in my OWN EVIL BASE! - K-SHOOK-" Eggman was practically boiling with rage.

"Eh... I've seen eviler."

"-K-SHOOK- THAT IS IT!!! -K-SHOOK-" Eggman jammed down a button on the console in front of him. "-K-SHOOK- Take THIS!!! -K-SHOOK-"

Suddenly, the square of steel Herman Danoyse was standing on (the only one with a large red 'X' in the center of it) disappeared, and he fell into a dark bottomless pit screaming "YOU CALL THAT A TRAPDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR?!?!?!" That last 'Doooooooooor' continued for about a minute before ending with the sound of a human body landing on a pile of aluminum shavings and old Cheerios before being covered in Doberman Pinschers. -SOUND UNKNOWN-

Eggman chuckled to himself for a second (he loved it when his enemies stood directly on the 'X') then turned to Defunk. "-K-SHOOK- And you! -K-SHOOK-"

"What did I do?!"

"-K-SHOOK- You've seen too much. You must die. Thank you for your cooperation. -K-SHOOK-"

"But... but... I haven't seen anything!"

"-K-SHOOK- Can you see me? -K-SHOOK-"

"Yes, but-"

"-K-SHOOK- So you admit it! -K-SHOOK-"

"Admit what?!"

"-K-SHOOK- Aha! I knew it! -K-SHOOK-"

"What?!"

"-K-SHOOK- What? -K-SHOOK-"

"Why?!"

"-K-SHOOK- Knick knack. -K-SHOOK-"

"Paddy whack?!"

"-K-SHOOK- Give a dog a bone. Bye-bye! -K-SHOOK-" Eggman jammed a second button on his beloved console. This one caused a large metal box with no bottom to fall on top of Defunk. Two seconds later, after some mechanical whirring noises and some screaming, the box was raised to reveal nothing but a can of tuna. 'Defunk'-brand. No preservatives. "-K-SHOOK- MUWAHAHOOHAHA! -K-SHOOK-"

Eggman smiled for a second. "Well, those two were useless. All the better. The test goes on!" Eggman hit a small green button on his console which caused a large, shiny red button to rise up from the ground on a pedestal behind him. Eggman smiled. He loved big, shiny buttons and this was by far the biggest and shiniest. "You! Out! Now!"

"Yes sir!"

"Yes sir!" Scratch and Grounder evacuated the area as hastily as they could manage for fear of being turned into rather expensive and idiotic paperweights.

Eggman spent a good half-minute admiring his enormous button before making his way back over to the microphone. "-K-SHOOK- Alright! Let's get it on! Underling #12, prep the ginormous laser! -K-SHOOK-" Eggman watched from the viewing booth as a person in a white lab coat with #12 written on the back walked out onto the testing room floor and made his way over to the large and unwieldy laser contraption. He flipped a series of switches, pressed a button or two, and pulled a gigantic lever on the side of the machine, causing all manners of lights and flashing widgets to turn on on the outside of the laser.

"Everything's set, sir!"

"-K-SHOOK- Even the flashing widgets? -K-SHOOK-"

"Even those, sir!"

"-K-SHOOK- Excellent! Well done, #12! No beatings for you today! -K-SHOOK-"

"Yay!"

"-K-SHOOK- Well, maybe one beating! For energy! -K-SHOOK-"

"Aww..."

"-K-SHOOK- Hey! No complaining! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger... until it kills you! -K-SHOOK-"

"Yes, sir." #12 walked out of the room, wishing he had a couple of Tylenol and the number of a good attorney and a registered chiropractor.

"-K-SHOOK- Okay! Let's do this like Buddhists! Test one: ham sandwich on white bread! No mayo! -K-SHOOK-" This is what Eggman had been so anxiously waiting for. The Great Egged One jammed down the biggest of buttons behind him with both hands, squealing gleefully. Immediately, the great laser began charging up, pulses of bright white light shooting out of every crevice. Of the machine.

(A.N. Whoo! That came close to being naughty. Heh... crevice... funny word...)

Just then, a glass sphere filled with blue and white light popped out of the head of the contraption, rumbling violently. Suddenly, a bright ray of light shot out of the sphere, heading straight towards the defenseless sandwich. Eggman giggled like a schoolgirl with a new Hello Kitty backpack. The sandwich began shaking with the rhythm of the machine. Suddenly, there was a loud banging sound combined with a puff of white smoke.

-LOUD BANGING SOUND-

When the smoke cleared, Eggman squealed again. As the smoke rose up and disappeared into the ceiling, Eggman (along with about 30 should-be-working underlings viewing the incident through a small window on the door) saw that the ham sandwich was no more. It had disappeared.

However, in its place, there was something else... something not-at-all-ham-sandwich-like.

The ham sandwich, on white bread, no mayo, had been transformed into...

...a duck.

"-K-SHOOK- -silence- -K-SHOOK-" Eggman stood motionless. He had done what others could not. He had succeeded where others failed. He had made duck. A mallard, specifically; 58 centimeters long, weighing 779 grams, and with a slightly enlarged left eyeball.

"-K-SHOOK- We... have... duck! I repeat: we have duck! -K-SHOOK-"

"Good job, sir!"

"-K-SHOOK- Who was that? You should all be working! Double beatings for all staff tonight! -K-SHOOK-" The sounds of 30 people groaning and grumbling faded off into the distance. "-K-SHOOK- And no complaining! Underling #355, prepare test two! -K-SHOOK-"

"But sir, isn't test two-"

"-K-SHOOK- That's right! Pastrami AND turkey on rye with iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and... SWISS CHEESE!!! -K-SHOOK-"

-TO BE CONTINUED-

-Dramatic pause for effect-

-Meanwhile, in Sonic's house-

"To the Hedge-cave!" Sonic turned to the stairs and ran up them with lightning speed, sporting a creepy, Mickey Mouse-like smile on his face. Amy followed reluctantly. "In here, quick! With haste, Amy! There's no time to lose!" Sonic opened a blue door to his right, stepping inside and slamming it before Amy had a chance to respond. -SLAM-

"Um, Sonic?" No response. "Sonic? That's... a closet." There was a silence, followed by a muffled response.

"Um... that's what YOU think, tra la la!" Amy rolled her eyes and opened up the blue door to reveal Sonic, huddled in the corner of a perfectly ordinary coat closet.

"Sonic, you're huddled in the corner of the upstairs closet."

"That's what YOU think, tra la la!" Sonic looked to his left, and then to his right. "...and, you'd be right!" Sonic stood up and walked out of the closet. "Ha! Silly me! Walking into a closet! You must think I'm all wiggy-wiggy!"

"The thought had crossed my mind..."

"Well I'm not! The Hedge-cave's over here!" Sonic walked across the hallway and opened up a second blue door opposite to the closet.

"Oh, for heaven's sake, Sonic! Would you... wha?" Amy stared blankly as the door opened to reveal a shiny brass pole leading to a large hole in the floor. Sonic immediately jumped on the pole and slid down to God-knows-where. Amy sighed, mouth still hanging open. "I know I'm going to regret this." Amy regrettably jumped on the pole and prepared to join Sonic in God-knows where. After a minute or so, Amy landed on what felt like solid rock, shrouded in total darkness.

"Hold on, I'll get the light!" Amy heard footsteps, followed by the click of a light switch. Suddenly, the entire room was illuminated. Amy's jaw hit the floor.

"Wha... who... how..." Amy was standing in a room that seemed to be equal in size with most airplane hangars, carved out of solid blue rock, containing scores of computers, a vast selection of sports cars and motorcycles, a wall of James Bond-esque gadgets, three small airplanes, a personal chili dog vendor, a shooting range (with pictures of Fatty Fatty Eggman as targets, of course), and a 2-story high steel door with 'Sonic Rulz' painted on it. (In blue paint, of course.)

"D'ya like it? It's my Hedge-cave! Cool, eh?"

"How... when... what... how did you even build this?! This was like... a bathroom two weeks ago!"

"You forget, Amy, that this is a fanfiction we're in. Thus, the laws of time and space do not apply. Note thusly." Sonic snapped his fingers and suddenly a top hat with the words 'Party Naked' on it appeared magically on top of his head. "You see?"

"Right... well then, where's the bathroom now?"

"There isn't one." More silence.

"You... you realize that this is going to create some problems, right?"

"I'm starting to realize that, yes."

-Elsewhere, in a part of the house where there used to be a bathroom door-

Atomsk stood in the hallway, his hands clasped on his crotch, hopping up and down. "YESTERDAY, there was a bathroom door here! TODAY, there is not! If someone doesn't explain to me what the $#!&'s going on SOMEONE IS LOSING A LIMB TONIGHT!"

-Back in da cave-

Amy was still flabbergasted at the sight of the magnificent Hedge-cave. "I am simply astounded. But... refresh my memory. What... EXACTLY... does this have to do with consoling Knuckles, catching Eggman, or this story in general?" Sonic thought.

"Little to nothing at all." Sonic smiled idiotically, idly kicking the blue dust on the ground.

"I thought as much. Well, this has been fun but I think we have to head back to reality, now."

"But... the cave... so awesome... can't leave... " Sonic smile turned into a bizarre grimace.

"Come on Sonic!"

"The cave..."

"COME ON, SONIC!"

"THE CAAAAAAAAAVE!!!!!!!" Sonic's face contorted into an otherworldly scowl which now resembled a character in a Picasso portrait, as seen through a funhouse mirror.

"Oh, FINE! If it makes you happy, we'll chase Eggman in your uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile."

"The blue one?" Sonic queried through a chipmunk grin.

"FINE! The blue one it is." Amy crossed her arms.

"Yeeee!" Sonic made a series of unusually high-pitched squealing noises while jumping up and down and clapping his fists together. "We'll take the blue one. But first, a chili dog for the road! Amy, hit the chili dog button!" As Sonic made his cheerful way toward the uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile (which resembled a cross between an Aston Martin and the Batmobile) Amy turned around and found herself faced with a wall (and I mean wall) of buttons. At least 13,000 of them, each round, each a glowing blue.

"Um... Sonic?"

"Yes?"

"Which one's the chili dog button?"

"The blue one." Sonic made another series of high-pitched squealing sounds and brought out a key ring with a small remote (blue remote, mind you) on it. Sonic tapped the large button on the center of the remote and the driver-side door opened up with a whoosh of smoke.

(A.N. In the future, all doors will open with a whoosh of smoke.)

Meanwhile, Amy stared catatonically at the rows and rows of buttons, any of which could be considered, 'the blue one'. "Could you be, uh, slightly more specific, Sonic?"

"Uh, okay. It's a round, blue button, on that wall, that if you push it, will cause a delicious chili dog to pop up and shoot right into my open hand. Mmm... chili dog..."

"That's not helping, Sonic!"

"Well fine. Be that way."

"Oh, just shush!" Amy again tried hopelessly to find a button with any kind of chili dog distinction. Eventually, she just started at the top and eeny-meeny-miny-mo'd her way to a button somewhere in the middle of the wall. "Let's just try... this'un!"

Sonic just happened to turn around as Amy's hand made its fateful way to the shiny blue button. The next few events seemed to occur in slow motion, starting with Sonic yelling out a very Hollywood-like, "Noooooooooooo!!!!"

But it was too late.

As the button made its depressing half-inch journey...

(A.N. 'Depressing'... heh... pun... that's upscale humor right there.)

...Sonic could only foresee the terror about to unfold. A loud bleep signified that the button had, indeed, been fully pressed, and that loud bleep was followed by the even louder sound of the uber-cool mega-powered Sonic-holy-frick-that's-awesome-mobile exploding. -EXPLOSION SOUND-

"NOOOOO!!! NOT THE UBER-COOL MEGA-POWERED SONIC-HOLY-FRICK-THAT'S-AWESOME-MOBILE!!!"

Sonic could only watch as shards from his precious automobile began flying across the Hedge-cave, embedding themselves in various walls, ceilings, and computers. In an act of sheer coincidence, a selection of shrapnel pieces managed to fly directly into the wall of blue buttons, hitting, by sheer coincidence, each and every one of the automotive-self-destruct buttons.

"THIS... IS... NOT... HAPPENING!!!"

Thousands of pounds of hot metal whizzed through the air like a horde of misshapen fireworks, destroying everything except for Sonic and Amy, who took shelter behind Fatty Fatty Eggman. As the last few bits of shrapnel coincidentally hit the 3 small-aircraft-self-destruct buttons, Sonic took a few moments to ponder why he had installed self-destruct mechanisms into everything in the Hedge-cave in the first. In yet another coincidence, Amy took that exact moment to yell out, "WHY THE $#!& DID YOU INSTALL SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISMS INTO EVERYTHING IN THE HEDGE-CAVE?!"

"Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time..." -MORE LOUD EXPLOSIONS- "Oh, man! Not the motorcycles, too!"

"OH, $#!& THE MOTORCYCLES!"

"Amy! Language!" As the dust and debris settled, Sonic took a few sobering seconds to gaze at the devastation that surrounded him. Everything, and I mean everything, was destroyed. The vehicles were gone. The gadgets were gone. The computers were gone. Everything was destroyed. Everything except... "MY PERSONAL CHILI DOG VENDOR!!! YOU'RE ALIVE!!!"

Sonic rushed himself across the debris to see if it was real. And, indeed, it was. His magical, mechanical, chili-dog-makin' machine was still alive, and boasted not a scratch. "I'm... so... happy..."

"Whoop-de-doo, Sonic."

"This deserves a celebration! Chili dogs all around!" Sonic moseyed his way over to the wall of blue buttons, ripping out some of the larger chunks of embedded metal. "By the way, Amy..." Sonic pointed to the blue button directly to the right of the one Amy had pressed. "...this is the chili dog button." Amy and Sonic exchanged glares as Sonic tapped the supposedly real chili dog button with his knuckle. Within seconds, a panel in the roof slid open and a 16 ton weight was dropped rather mercilessly on the totally innocent and utterly defenseless personal chili dog vendor.

(A.N. For the sake of knowledge, the really real chili dog button was precisely 13 rows down and 56 columns to the left of the button that Sonic pressed. How Sonic could be so far off, button-wise, in a cave that he himself designed is something we may never know.)

After a moments -cough- minutes -cough- of total silence and dropped-jaw-ed-ness on Sonic's part, Amy patted Sonic on the back and began to make her way across the war-stricken cave to the nearest exit. "Well, I guess we'll have to eat out today. Not to mention the fact that we now have to take Shadow's car."

"Sha... Shadow's car?" Sonic's eye twitched noticably.

-Some time later-

"You know, I used to think that it was impossible to fit seven people into a brown Geo Metro, and boy did you prove me right." Sonic glared at Shadow from the back seat, where he was squished (from all sides) between Rouge, Atomsk, and Knuckles.

"I told you to shut up, Sonic. This was all I could get on such short notice, considering how my other car mysteriously disappeared."

"I suppose... say, has anyone seen Cream lately?"

-Somewhere in Mexico-

In a darkened room, two figures stand enshrouded in shadow. A single lightbulb illuminates the center of the area, where a heavy-set man in a mustache is tied haphazardly to a wooden chair. One of the darkened figure steps forward. "I got you the 'stuff' you needed, Ricardo. And all I asked for was the money I so richly deserved. I have yet to receive this money, Ricardo. This worries me. And when I get worried, people get hurt."

"Please, don't! I will get you the money, Cream! I... I only need a little more time! A week at most!"

"A week?"

"Yes! A week! I promise! I give you my word!" The man in the chair squirmed and sweat as the darkened figure circled him slowly. The darkened figure suddenly leaned into the light, placing her hands on the back of the chair.

"Well, Ricardo, you're in luck today. Because, I happen to think that you're telling the truth."

"Really?! Oh, thank you! Thank you, Cream!"

"However..." Cream made her way back to the front of the chair as the second, noticeably tinier dark figure made its way into the light. "...my friend here thinks that you are a big..." The small blue figure pulled out a chain gun (from nowhere) which seemed much to large for him to carry. "...fat..." Cream stepped back into the darkness. "...LIAR!!!"

"No! NO!!!!!"

-Back in the car-

"Yeah, Cream never seems to be around here."

"You've got a point. What is she up to these days?"

"Who knows. Nothing special, I imagine."

"Hey, where's Tails?"

"Tied to the roof."

"Oh. That's okay then."

"So, can we go already? I can't sit this way for too long."

"Sit what way?"

"With my knees behind my ears!"

"Oh... okay. Let's move it! Shadow?" Shadow put the key into the ignition and twisted it into place. As the engine came to life, Shadow slammed on the gas as the car barreled into the garage door. As the fuzzy seven came back to their senses, Shadow muttered something about reverse gear and backed out of the driveway.

At last, team Sonic was on the road again.

"On the road again... I can't wait to get on the road again..."

"Oh, for the love of Pete, is Tails singing again?"

"He always sings."

"Yeah, I guess, but... wait... WHO GAVE HIM A BANJO?"

"That's a good question. And for that matter, how'd he learn to play so well?"

"This is gonna be a long trip..."

INTERMISSION

Why don't you go enjoy a delicious beverage?

Or perhaps some lovely microwaveable popcorn?

Maybe you have to use the bathroom?

Seriously, find something to do. I got, like, nothing for the next five minutes.

I'm not kidding.

Intermission, dude.

Just killin' time.

Come on, don't be like that.

I'm doing the best I can.

Okay, okay! Intermission over. One more set of dots.

END INTERMISSION (You just HAD to be pushy about it.)

-Somewhere in the middle of Nebraska-

As the tiny Geo puttered its way down some lonesome highway in the middle of Nebraska, carrying the six fuzzy heroes (seven if you count the banjo-playing freak who was strapped to the roof) to their final destination, Sonic tried desperately to cope with his less-than-luxurious surroundings. "I think that several of my joints have fused together in unnatural ways. Are we anywhere close to 'there' yet?"

"In a while. Just be quiet."

"So where is this secret base of Eggman's located, anyway?"

"It is located in a secret location, in the middle of Nowhere. Nowhere, Alabama, to be specific. The exact coordinates are only known by one human: Martin Farmsworth McCollywoddle. However, he died in an unfortunate grain-thresher-related accident."

"Ah. Wait... what about Eggman?"

"Not even he knows the location of his secret base."

"Wow. Wait, WHAT? How's that supposed to work? How's he supposed to make his way to a base that he doesn't even know the location of?"

"He can't. As far as we can tell, that place has been deserted for, like, the last seven years."

"Right. Sooo... where are WE going?"

"El Fatso has a testing facility in Nevada somewhere. We assume that's where he is at the moment. Probably working on some kind of warped experiment, no doubt..."

"Yes. No doubt..."

-Back in El Fatso's test lab-

"-K-SHOOK- Right! Let's begin the next warped experiment! Test two! Pastrami and turkey on rye with iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes, and... SWISS CHEESE!!! -K-SHOOK-"

Eggman shook with delight as one of his henchmen placed the sandwich on the center pedestal. "The sandwich is ready, sir!"

"-K-SHOOK- Excellent! Firing the laser!!! -K-SHOOK-" Eggman slammed down the big, red, shiny button with unmatched enthusiasm, then quickly pirouetted around to witness the result. Again, the machine began flashing and twitching and rumbling and generally spazzing out. Again, a great beam of light shot out and hit the poor, defenseless sandwich. Again, Eggman giggled in a highly... non-masculine way. Then...

-LOUD BANGING SOUND-

Eggman jumped up and down impatiently, waiting for the smoke to clear again. When it did, the look on Eggman's face could only be described as...

...confused.

"-K-SHOOK- -silence- -K-SHOOK-" Eggman stared at the pedestal where the sandwich had been. Now, in its place, there was something else. A roundish object, colored off-white, about the size of a basketball now took center stage. "-K-SHOOK- Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? We have... -K-SHOOK-" Eggman squinted. "-K-SHOOK- ...an egg? What kind of weirdness is this? Underlings, give me the readouts! -K-SHOOK-"

Down on the floor, a couple of nameless henchmen began ticking away at computer keyboards. "We're getting something on the foreign object, sir."

"-K-SHOOK- Well? -K-SHOOK-"

"Sir, I've got a PRCQ rating of 3.765."

"-K-SHOOK- Okay, what about you? -K-SHOOK-"

"I've got elevated TSP numbers and a Q rate of 78."

"-K-SHOOK- Fair enough. And you? -K-SHOOK-"

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, sir."

"-K-SHOOK- Are they all a-standing in a row? -K-SHOOK-"

"Yes, sir. Big ones, small ones, some as big as your-"

"-K-SHOOK- Yes, yes, fine, fine. What does all this data tell us, gentlemen? -K-SHOOK-" A silence filled the air.

"Um... we... don't know, sir."

"Yeah, it just looks like a bunch of letters and numbers to me, sir." Eggman smacked his forehead.

"-K-SHOOK- Imbeciles! What do you think I pay you for? -K-SHOOK-"

"You... don't pay us at all, sir."

"-K-SHOOK- You're darn right I don't with sloppy work like this! Now get back to your duties before I break out my size-17 steel-toed footwear and go MEDIEVAL on your sorry-"

"Sir! Wait! Look! The egg!"

"-K-SHOOK- What are you jabbering about now? -K-SHOOK-" Eggman turned to look at the egg-like thingamabob, which was now shaking and rattling and bouncing all over the pedestal like a Mexican jumping bean's bigger, meaner, whiter brother. "-K-SHOOK- What's going on? What is... gasp! The egg! It's... it's..."

"It's hatching, sir!"

"-K-SHOOK- Shut up! That was my line! Two hours in the box of pain for you tonight! -K-SHOOK-"

"Oh, not again..."

"-K-SHOOK- Now, where was I? Oh yes. -ahem- It's... it's... it's HATCHING!!! -K-SHOOK-"

-Back in the car, again-

"...and that's why I'm afraid of Regis Philbin."

"Well, what an -yawn- enlighteningly boring story that was, Rouge."

"Hey, it killed four hours."

"I think you mean 'slaughtered'."

"You got that wight!"

"Yes. Wait..." Sonic leaned over and looked out the window. "TWIGGY?!?!"

"Howdy!!" In true freak form, Twiggy was riding down the highway on a brownish moped, with streamers on the handlebars.

"How'd you get here? And what are you doing in Nebraska, anyway?"

"Well, I was wowking, at NASA, twying to cweate the wowld's fiwst wocket-powewed didgewidoo, when suddenly-"

"Never mind, Twiggy. Just... just never mind."

"Suit youwself."

"So... where are you headed?"

"Gweenland."

"And... you're going to Greenland on a moped?"

"Yep!"

"Okay. I will resist the urge to ask for details." Amy opened her mouth as if to say something, but Sonic stopped her. "Believe me, you don't want to know either way."

"I was just going to say, Sonic, that I didn't know that Twiggy could drive in the first place." Sonic turned to face Twiggy, who was now scratching head head as if in thought. Sonic sighed deeply.

"You can't drive, can you Twiggy?" Twiggy smiled then began shaking his handlebars back and forth, swerving from side to side.

"Nope!" Twiggy then made a hard left turn into a concrete wall.

-CRASH-

Sonic just looked at Amy with a sneer. "You just HAD to say something, didn't you."

"Is he going to be okay?"

"If he isn't okay, does anyone care?"

"Point made."

"Good. Let's keep driving."

-A few hours later-

"Say, Tails has been pretty quiet for the last couple of hours. Is he still tied to the roof?"

"Let's find out." Shadow slammed on the brakes and watched as a lone banjo was flung off the roof of the car, landing on a cow.

"No! My precious Banji!"

"He's still there. Unfortunately."

"Come back, Banji! Come back!"

"Relax, spaz. It's just a banjo."

"It was MY banjo and HIS name was BANJI!"

"Say, right, whatever. Say, what were you doing up there for the last few hours, anyway?"

"For your information, I was composing a lengthy banjo concerto with vocal accompaniment." Sonic and Shadow looked at each other.

"That seems like a bit of a stretch for you, Tails."

"I think what he means is he's come up with a banjo-themed version of '1,000,000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall'. Right Tails?" Tails was quiet for a moment.

"To-may-to, to-mah-to."

"I thought as much. Let's get back on the road, Shad-man."

"Wait, don't you guys want to hear my new song?" Sonic and Shadow looked at each other again.

"I think that I would rather have my tonsils removed without anesthesia by a blind Albanian doctor who uses garden shears and is prone to violent muscle spasms."

"So... do you want to hear it?"

"That's a no, Tails."

"Oh." For a single, shining second, silence was present in the minuscule automobile.

One second.

One.

"Why don't you want to hear my song?"

"Because I think that it'll be about as enjoyable as a swift kick in the nether regions."

"How do you know?"

"I'm just guessing."

"Well, I'll tell you what: I'll sing my song, and you can tell me what you think after I'm done!"

"No..."

"I think you'll like it."

"NO..."

"Don't worry, it's only 6 hours long."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-6 very, very, VERY painful hours later-

The mood in the car had changed considerably. The faces of the brave six had been twisted into permanent grimaces. Each visage showcased a unique vision of depression and anguish. Tensions were high, morale was low, thoughts of suicide were abundant. The only consolation was that it would all soon be over.

"17 banjos just... lying around... 17 banjos around... take one down... play it... for a bit... 16 banjos just lying around! 16 banjos..."

"MOMMY, MAKE IT STOP!!!! MAKE... IT... STOOOOOOPPPPP!!!!" Despite the hysterical sobbing and attempts to gnaw his own leg off as a means of escape, Sonic seemed to be holding up the best out of those in the car. As for the others... well... they weren't doing so well.

"...take one down... play it for a bit... 13 banjos just lying around! 12 banjos..."

Amy spent the majority of the song shivering and twitching in an unnatural position after spending the first two hours of the song attempting to squeeze herself into the glove compartment. Knuckles spent the time drooling and giggling to himself in a mentally unstable fashion while holding a flamethrower up to his head and referring to himself as Susan. Shadow, who was behind the wheel, rolled down his window and shouted obscenities at little children while driving on the wrong side of the road. Rouge stuffed a tennis shoe into each ear and then sealed herself in a plastic garbage bag where she cried herself to sleep. Atomsk was the luckiest of the group, though. Early on in the song he bashed himself on the skull repeatedly with a clock radio until he lost consciousness.

"...play it for a bit... 2 banjos just lying around! 2 banjos just..."

"It's nearly over! IT'S NEARLY OVER! HALLELUJAH!!!" Amy removed herself from the glove box.

"Is it... is it true? Is the horror nearly over? IS IT?!?!?!"

"YES! YES IT IS!! HOLD ON, AMY!!! HOLD ON, EVERYONE!!!"

"...1 banjo just lying around! 1 banjo just lying around..."

"YES!! YES!!! FINISH IT!!! QUICKLY!!!"

"...1 banjo around..."

"COME ON!!! WE'RE NEARLY THROUGH THIS!!!"

"...take it down... play it for a bit..."

"COME ON!!!"

"...play it for a bit..."

"COME... ON!!!!"

"...play it for a bit..."

"COME ON!!! COME ON COME ON COME ON!!!"

And...

Just then...

Another silence entered the car...

A silence that had not been heard for 6 hours...

And what followed...

Could only be described as 'apocalyptic'...

"COME ON, TAILS!!! WHAT'S THE HOLDUP?!?! FINISH THE $#!& SONG SO WE CAN ALL GET ON WITH OUR LIVES!!! PLEASE!!! I'M BEGGING YOU!!!"

-silence-

"Well, wouldn't you know it. I've forgotten the words. I'll just have to start over!"

(A.N. The following sound effect gets the R.B. Splishy Award for 'Longest Sound Effect In A Sonic Fic'. Enjoy.)

-THE COMBINED CRACKING AND SHATTERING SOUND OF SIX PEOPLE'S HOPES AND DREAMS BEING DESTROYED AND COMPACTED INTO A CAR-SIZED VORTEX OF SADNESS-

In that second, as Tails began the horror show for an agonizing second time, everyone's eye twitched simultaneously, and everyone's heart sank deep into their stomachs. Would they really have to relive the terror and anguish a SECOND time?!

"No... NO..."

Shadow knew; this was the time for action.

"NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN!!!!! THIS... ENDS... NOW!!!!"

-SCREECH-

Shadow clenched his teeth and slammed on the brakes with every ounce of rage in his body, nearly destroying the pedal. True, it was an unwise move to make while on the freeway, but this was not a time to be concerned with such details. "I am NOT going to SIT for THIS!!!" Shadow immediately turned the car around and began looking for the nearest exit ramp (while avoiding the large fiery accident caused by his sudden stop in the middle of the road). "I am going to end this ONCE AND FOR ALL!!"

Sonic looked up at Shadow through tear-drenched eyes. "Whe- where are you going?"

Shadow responded in a loud and demonic voice, "I'M GOING TO HOME DEPOT!!!!!"

(A.N. Insert dramatic music here. I mean, I can't really do it myself, can I? I mean, I CAN, but you can't really hear it where you are. This is just text and all. You know what? Screw it. Move on to the next scene. Back to Fatty Fatty Eggman.)

-Back in Dr. Fatso's base-

"-K-SHOOK- It's... it's... it's HATCHING!!! -K-SHOOK-"

(A.N. Yes, I realize that it's been over six hours in fanfic time and the egg is still hatching. Luckily, time is rarely a fixed construct in fanfictions. So... bite me!)

"Sir! What do you want us to do?"

"-K-SHOOK- Just bugger off right now! I want to see what pops out of this thing! -K-SHOOK-"

"Righty-o, sir!" The underlings left the test area with haste as Eggman stared at the rapidly gyrating egg. Suddenly, a tiny crack appeared, right on the top. That was followed by another crack, and then another, until the top of the egg looked like it was ready to cave in.

"-K-SHOOK- Go on! Go on! -K-SHOOK-"

Suddenly, the top of the egg burst open, and something could be seen coming out of it. A claw... or maybe a talon?

"-K-SHOOK- Go on! GO ON! -K-SHOOK-"

A second claw-like thing appeared, and the egg began to further disintegrate. Within seconds, the egg was nothing but an empty shell, and the creature that emerged was most certainly one-of-a-kind.

It was...

"-K-SHOOK- Could it be? Could it actually be? We... have... DRAGON!!! -K-SHOOK-" That's right. From out of the egg came a real, bona fide, honest-to-goodness dragon. It was about 3 feet long, and was colored a light purple. "-K-SHOOK- We have dragon! WE HAVE DRAGON! -K-SHOOK-" Eggman quickly glanced to the left and right. "-K-SHOOK- SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET. -K-SHOOK-"

"Good work, sir! Very cool!"

"-K-SHOOK- Quiet! This is no time for tomfoolery! This is a time for serious action and stern professionalism! Go do... something! Something important! But... not too important! Find a nice middle ground. -K-SHOOK-"

"Right, sir!" As Underling #23 walked away, Eggman stared at the freshly-hatched dragon that was now circling the giant laser with all the flight skill of the Red Baron himself.

"-K-SHOOK- Hmmm... I think I'll call you... Spyro! Spyro the Dragon! -K-SHOOK-" Everybody in the building turned to face Eggman. "-K-SHOOK- What? WHAT? What's wrong? Have you got a problem with my taste in names? -K-SHOOK-" Nobody in the building blinked. Eggman sighed and grumbled. "-K-SHOOK- Okay, FINE! We'll call him Norman! Norman McDragonpants! Is everyone happy now? -K-SHOOK-"

"I'm relatively satisfied!"

"-K-SHOOK- Well, isn't that special! Triple beatings for everyone tonight! Now... Underlings #12, #13, and #2784! -K-SHOOK-"

"Yes sir?"

"-K-SHOOK- Prepare... TEST 3!!!! -K-SHOOK-"

"Gasp!"

"Well, $#!& me!"

-In the parking lot of Home Depot-

Shadow parked the car haphazardly in the center of the lot, amazingly managing to take up six spaces at once. He then proceeded to turn off the engine, step out of the car, and slam the door hard enough to shatter the window.

(A.N. The current world record for parking misfortune belongs to Mr. Cardinal Lemming, who managed to park a stretch limousine in 13 spaces at once, outside of a convenience store in Wisconsin. Now THAT'S some information you can use in life.)

"I'll be back in a minute."

"Okey-dokey..." Sonic waved Shadow off and went to sit back down. "So... Knuckles... seen any good movies lately?"

"My name is Susan, and I don't like movies."

"I see..."

-Inside the Home Depot-

Shadow stepped through the automatic doors and gazed at the vast array of hardware-related stuff before him. "Hmm... this may take a while..." Shadow began his journey down aisle one with a sigh. "This is for the greater good. As in, this is for MY greater good."

After a few minutes of meandering, Shadow had his first encounter with a member of the Home Depot staff. "Do you need any assistance, sir?"

"I need no help from a weakling like you!" Shadow spun around and cocked his leg back in preparation for a visit with the intruder's shin. However, after realizing that the man behind him was not technically an enemy who required instant annihilation, Shadow reluctantly set his foot back on the ground. "Um... -cough- ...yeah. What I meant to say was 'Could you please guide me to the area where you keep your instruments of death?'"

"Ex- excuse me?"

"Could you show me to your power tools..." Shadow glanced at the employee's name tag. "...Jim?"

"Cer- certainly, sir." The employee hesitantly smiled and began walking towards the power tool area. "Thi- this way s- sir."

"Wonderful."

After a minute or so of walking (during which Jim cursed the fact that he always seemed to pick the job where the wackos turn up) Shadow came face to face with the display of his dreams. "Here we are, s- sir."

Shadow just stared in pure glee and admiration. "That... is a fine wall of chainsaws." Yep. Chainsaws. A whole wall full of 'em. Big ones, small ones, weird-lookin' ones, and some that just screamed 'You can cut down a lot more than trees with me, kiddo'. Perfect.

"Top of the l- line, sir. We only car- carry the finest cutting m- machines around, s- sir."

"Beautiful. Simply beautiful." Shadow stared at the wall of happiness like a kid staring through a toy store window. So many options... so much power... But then, he saw something. Something in the tip top row. Something that was just... awesome. "Let me take a closer look at that one." Shadow pointed to the beaut staring back at him.

"The W- Widowmaker 3000? Isn't- isn't that a bit extreme?"

"I'll tell you when things are getting extreme around here! Now shut up and fetch me my killing machine- I mean gardening implement!"

"R- right away!" Jim (who was on the verge of a bladder-related emergency) made like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a genetically engineered cheetah and retrieved the Widowmaker faster than you can say 'Wishahaddadoddlewonkywizzleberrysnap'. "H- here you go!"

"Wonderful! Wonderful!" Shadow felt the adrenaline rush through his body. Black and red... 6 feet long... this was it. This was the machine he'd been waiting for all his life. "I'll take it!"

"Oh, thank heavens. Have a nice day, sir!" Jim began walking away.

"Oh, just one question, Jim." Jim inhaled sharply and turned around.

"Yes?"

"How quickly d'ya suppose this thing could cut through a human femur?"

"WHAT?"

"I mean, how quickly could this this cut through an oak tree?"

Jim forced a smile as his eye twitched, and spoke slowly through clenched teeth. "I'm... sorry... sir... I'm... on... my... break... now. Have... a... nice... day." Jim turned around and walked slowly away, muttering something about getting a job in Iceland. Shadow scoffed.

"Worthless humans. Oh well. I might as well pay for this thing now. NOT!" Shadow popped a spare Chaos Emerald out of... somewhere. "CHAOS CONTROL!!!"

-SPECIAL EFFECTS-

With a flash of light, Shadow was transported into the parking lot with his new best friend. "Who needs money?"

"I do!"

"Quiet, hobo."

Noticing the bright flash, Sonic pressed his face against the window. "Oh, you're finally back, Shadow. Well that took you long en- HOLY GUACAMOLE! WHAT... IS.. THAT?!?!" Shadow smiled.

"This is Margerie. She's my friend." Shadow stroked the chainsaw and gave it a quick kiss.

"And, -gulp- what are you proposing to do with... Margerie?"

"Heh..." Shadow just smiled and walked toward the car. Upon arriving he made a beeline for Tails, who was, still, atop the car. Sans Banji, of course. Shadow just stared at Tails, then at Margerie, then at Tails again. "Heh heh heh..."

"What? What?" Shadow leaned in towards Tails.

"The doctor is in, Miles."

YAY!!! We're back! And isn't it awesome. Coming soon (and I mean it this time) in episode XIII-What will Shadow do to Tails? What is Test 3? Why doesn't Susie like movies? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? We may never know. Episode XIII-The Happy Waffle Club (And Other Crimes Against Humanity)