Death Bologna
Hey, look at this! A second update in the same year. I am on a roll!
Seriously though, I'm back on track for good this time. Enjoy.
-There was a farmer had a dog and DISCLAIMER was his name-o-
What a weird farmer. Anyway, I do not own Sonic, Sega, Red Bull, Fruit Roll-Ups, Hasbro, Coca Cola, Home Depot, or anything related. However, I do own... um... Twiggy. Yep. That's about it. Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
Episode XIII-The Happy Waffle Club (And Other Crimes Against Humanity)
"Are you awake, Tails?"
"W- what?"
"Are you awake, Tails?"
"What?"
"I SAID, 'ARE YOU AWAKE?'" Sonic grabbed Tails and shook him around like an Etch-A-Sketch, giving him a couple of good slaps. -SLAP- -SLAPSLAP- "You awake now?!" Tails finally opened his eyes.
"Yes! Yes! I'm awake! Sweet criminy... where am I?" Sonic leaned into Tails' face.
"You're in the parking lot of Home Depot, Tails. And now, I'm going to tie you to the top of the car."
"NO-" -fumble fumble fumble-
-A minute or so later-
"There, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
"At least you didn't use the shovel this time..."
"That-a-boy. By the way, do you feel like singing, Tails?"
"Of course not! I've just been shaken, slapped, and forcibly strapped onto the hood of an automobile!" Sonic and Shadow both smiled.
"Doctor Shadow, I commend you. The operation was a success."
"Operation? What operation?"
"Oh, nothing, Tails. By the way, how does your head feel?"
"Fine, I guess... hurts a bit... wait..." Tails reached up and felt his forehead. He felt... something. "What is this... a bandage? Wait... WHY DID YOU BANDAGE MY HEAD UP? SHADOW! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HEAD?!?!"
"Oh, relax, Tails. It was all for the better."
"WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU... wait! I think it's all coming back to me now! I think I'm gonna have a-"
-FLASHBACK-
"Thank you!"
-NO PROBLEM-
All of the sights and sounds flooded back into Tails' mind. Tails narrated as each new scene returned to his memory. "Okay, so I remember Shadow rushing into Home Depot, after I forgot the last line to my song. Then, a few minutes later he came running back, carrying this... BEHEMOTH of a chainsaw."
"The doctor is in, Tails."
"Then, he untied me, threw me into a burlap sack, and dragged me off."
"Stop struggling, Tails!" -WHACK-
"Ow!" -STUFF-
"There we go."
"So, he drags me off, heading to God-knows-where, and then all of a sudden he dumps me onto this steel table."
-DUMP- "Ow! Hey... where are we?"
"We were in this dark room, with brick walls lined with power tools and various sharp instruments. Shadow began putting on these rubber doctor-gloves."
"This is..." -GLOVE SNAP- "...my office." -GLOVE SNAP- "Isn't it cozy?"
"This place looks like the basement of a serial killer."
"Wow. Spot on. I must remember to thank my decorator."
"Hey, who's that big guy in the corner with the beard and the tattoos and the scars and the leather jacket?"
"That's Nurse Johnson. He'll be overseeing the operation today. Nurse! Would you come over here and strap down the patient?"
"Right away, boss."
"Nurse Johnson strapped me down to the table with a series of car safety belts that looked like they were stolen from a bunch of old Buicks."
"Nice and tight." -PULL-
"Ow! Too! tight! Circulation! Losing!"
"That'll do, nurse."
"Then Shadow put on a surgeon's mask, making him look like the doctor from H-E-double-hockey-sticks..."
"Alright. Let's get this underway. My name's Shadow, I'll be your mal-practitioner today... heh heh..."
"That's not funny, Shadow!"
"It's funny and you know it. Nurse! Scalpel!"
"Then 'Nurse Johnson' walked in and handed Shadow his chainsaw..."
"I couldn't find a scalpel. Will this work?"
"Perfectly..."
"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME?!?!"
"I'm going to cure you, Tails."
"As Shadow began walking towards me with that thing... I could feel my heart pounding like... like... something that pounds a lot..."
"For Pete's sake..."
"As he got closer, he said..."
"Don't worry, Tails. The anesthesia should be kicking in any second now. You won't feel a thing."
"But... you didn't give me any anesthesia!!!"
"Oh, right. Well, in that case, this is gonna hurt like a mother."
"No! NOOOO!!!!!"
-END FLASHBACK-
"What happened next?"
"My memory is a bit fuzzy..."
"...Like the rest of you..."
"...But it doesn't matter! He cut open my head! You monster!!!" Shadow rolled his eyes.
"Oh, come on. You're always jumping to conclusions."
"You came at me with a chainsaw! What else were you gonna do?!"
"FYI, there were a million things I 'could' have done. Besides, I'm not gonna waste a sharp chain on a sorry little meatbag like you. However, if you were actually a bag full of meat, then..."
"I get it. So what DID you do?"
"Yes. Enlighten us, Shadow."
"I can't, I left my flashlight at home." -RIM SHOT- Everyone turned to stare at Shadow. "Oh, God, did I actually say that? I've been hanging around you corn muffins for far too long."
"Did he just call us corn muffins?"
"Let it slide, Knuckles. Let it slide." Sonic cleared his throat. "So, Shadow, you were about to tell us about what really happened with Tails?"
"Oh yes. Now would be a good time for a..." Silence. "AS I WAS SAYING, now would be a good time for a..." Shadow waited as nothing happened.
"What are you babbling about now?"
"I'm just saying, now would be a good time for a... thing... that starts with the letter F... and rhymes with 'smashtack'..." Shadow waited a couple more seconds. "Oh, go to hell."
"What'd I do?"
"Not you!"
"Well who are you talking to?"
"Just... never mind. So, as I was saying, what actually-"
-FLASHBACK-
"Oh, FINALLY. Y'know, I oughtta-"
-END FLASHBACK-
"What the... -grumble-. Fine. Be that way. As I was say-"
-FLASHBACK-
"Oh, now you're just toying with me."
-END FLASHBACK-
"I'm warning you..."
-FLASH...-
"Come on..."
-...FORWARD-
"That's it! YAARGH!"
What the-trhhtbd8hp6[opoho0-jo0i y yphp00h48 htrh9stnr8s9h890m89ma-a3-mu8amy8hw45uiy24gbh0te9h450-hj45b0-e-erfbjesvrnbfiopnbtehgrjngrj nb bgnjkbdg bk bdj fkgjfnki jgrbd bf HELPMEHELPME8e89bfyn n24 890-0900ozjk rfknliyusuyaktakycytcuctcvsok-ovo3425nmt24llllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
(A.N. Ugh... uh... -cough cough-... um... well, for the confused amongst you, what happened was -cough- after the 'flash-forward' thing, Shadow got rather angry -cough, wheeze- and proceeded to jump out of the fanfic and into my room, in the form of a 6-letter word in Trebuchet font. He then proceeded to pummel me rapidly -cough cough- using his large S, slamming me into the keyboard several times leaving me bloody and bruised. I eventually -sniffle- landed unconsciously on the letter L, and I have just woken up. Using whatever -cough cough- energy I have left, I shall try to restore order.)
"Take that, Kinetikai! And let me tell you something, if you ever-" Shadow stood silently as an ending quotation mark appeared mysteriously in the middle of his speech. Somewhere off in the distance, a teenager with a computer began laughing maniacally.
(A.N. This chapter seemed to take a bit of a surreal turn, eh? Oh, well. Let's get things back on track.)
-POOF!-
"So, Shadow, you were about to tell us about what really happened with Tails?"
"Oh yes. Now would be a good time for a..."
-FLASHBACK-
"Thank you."
-DON'T HURT ME! I MEAN, DON'T MENTION IT.-
Shadow coughed and went on to tell his side of the story. "So, after Nurse Johnson had strapped the Amazing Orange Imbecile to the table, I put on my mask, grabbed Margerie, and walked over to Tails..."
"Where you cut my head open!"
"Shut up. This is my flashback."
-IT'S HIS FLASHBACK!-
"Darn right! So, as I was saying..."
"Don't worry, Tails. The anesthesia should be kicking in any second now. You won't feel a thing."
"But... you didn't give me any anesthesia!!!"
"Oh, right. Well, in that case, this is gonna hurt like a mother."
"No! NOOOO!!!!!"
"HYAAAAA!!!" -WHACK-
"I whacked Tails upside the head with the butt of my chainsaw..."
-WHACK- -WHACK- -WHACK-
"...a couple of dozen times."
-WHACK- "Tails..." -WHACK- "...don't..." -WHACK- "...EVER..." -WHACK- "...sing..." -WHACK- "...that..." -WHACK- "...STUPID..." -WHACK- "...BLOODY..." -WHACK- "...SONG..." -WHACK- "...AGAIN!!!" -WHACKWHACKWHACK-
"That seems a bit excessive, Shadow."
"I think it was worth it."
-WHACK-
-END FLASHBACK-
"So you basically just knocked Tails into next week with the back end of a chainsaw."
"Basically."
"You don't think there will be any lasting damage, do you?"
"Meh."
"Works for me. Tails, quit your whining. We're getting back on the road."
"Okey-dokey! Let's get back on the... -twitch- PICKLED FISH PASTE!!!!" Everyone turned to look at Tails.
"Would you consider that 'lasting damage?'"
"Hasn't he always been like that?"
"To an extent..."
"Precisely. Let's get a-going! Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
Shadow turned around in his seat and stared at the other fuzzballs. "What's... what's going on? Did I miss something?"
"Never you mind, young dippitydoo!" Shadow blinked several times.
"Did you just call me a-"
"Tut tut! Now is not the time for chittery-chattery, O Dippitydoo! Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Ding dong!"
"Okay, seriously, was I late for some kind of meeting, or-"
"DING DONG!"
"Okay! Okay..." Shadow started up the engine, chalked the previous dialogue up to sugar and group psychosis, and exited the parking lot.
-The next day-
Running off of a potent combination of pixie sticks and Red Bull, Shadow drove through the night and into the morning. Luckily for everyone, during this time Tails had resisted the urge to sing or otherwise annoy everyone. However, in an effort to counteract the happiness within the car, a new problem arose. "Sonic, I'm hungry!"
"Well, what do you want me to do about it? I'm squashed in the back here! Grab a Fruit Roll-Up and shut up."
"But... we're out of Fruit Roll-Ups!" Shadow slammed on the brakes, bring the car to it's second screeching stop on a public freeway.
"NO... FRUIT... ROLL-UPS?!?!?!" Shadow turned around in his seat, fury building in his eyes. "I am NOT going to SIT for THIS!!!"
"Hey, come on, Shadow! It's... it's not that bad! We can always go get some more!" Shadow turned back to face the steering wheel.
"Oh... right." Shadow began driving again. "I mean, they're only just -cough- Fruit Roll-Ups. It's... not the end of the world." Shadow tore open a handful of pixie sticks, emptying the contents into his mouth with a twitch.
"Exactly..."
"Well, I'm still hungry!"
"Tough bananas, Tails."
"Squishy avocados, Sonic!"
"A handful of grapes that are mildly firm to the touch, Knuckles!"
"Seriously, did I not get a pamphlet or something? Is there an e-mail I should have read, or what?"
"Never you mind."
"Stop saying that!" Shadow ripped open and gulped down another handful of hyper sticks.
"Sonic, I'm huuuungry!"
"I don't caaaaaare!
"Actually, I'm getting a bit hungry too, Sonic."
"Not you too, Amy!"
"Come on, Sonic. Let's find somewhere to eat."
"Can't you just pretend you're not hungry?"
"No, Sonic."
"How about you just eat Knuckles?"
"He's not even dead!"
"A relatively easy fix..."
"No, Sonic!!!"
"Oh, fine! Shadow, take this exit. Maybe there's a restaurant around here or something. Say, did anyone notice that 17-car pileup behind us?"
"Driving... quickly..."
-A few minutes of searching later-
"Well, I dunno, Sonic. I mean, we've been wandering around this little town for like, forever, and we haven't even seen the slightest hint of-"
"WAFFLES!!!"
"Quiet, Tails. As I was saying-"
"WAFFLES!!!"
"Quiet, Tails!"
"No, I mean it! Look! Waffles!" Amy looked out the window and saw that most beautiful of sights...
"A waffle house! We're saved!"
"Saved from what?"
"Shut up. Shadow, park the car! We're eating waffles!"
"Oh, joy." Shadow drove indifferently into the waffle house parking lot (which seemed eerily empty for some reason) and parked the car. "We're here."
"Alright then. Let's get some grub." The group hastily exited the automobile and began walking toward the entrance. As they walked, Sonic looked up at the waffle house sign, which, astoundingly, was shaped like a large waffle. "Hmm... 'IWOW: International Wigwam Of Waffles'. Sounds like fun." Sonic pushed open the glass doors and the group walked inside.
The interior of the IWOW was well-kept and relatively run-of-the-mill. The tables, chairs, and booths were all neat and tidy, the floors looked like they were recently swept, and the windows were clean enough to eat toasted marshmallows and thick oatmeal off of.
(A.N. There's not many foods that you can eat off of a window. Think about it.)
The decor was plain and nice enough, and most everything was draped in some shade of beige. It was a lovely little waffle house, perfectly normal in every way... except one. "Where is everybody?"
"That's a good question. It's 11:00 on a Saturday morning in the only waffle house in this town. Where are the hordes of hungry hungry hippos?"
"I don't know." Everyone looked around. "Creepy..."
"HIMYNAMEISCATHYWELCOMETOTHEINTERNATIONALWIGWAMOFWAFFLESMAYIHELPYOU?"
"Holy-!" Knuckles jumped backwards, knocking over the life-sized statue of Doofy Nantucket, the IWOW founder and waffle enthusiast. "What just happened?" A red-headed waitress now stood in front of the furry group. "Where'd you come from?"
"HIMYNAMEISCATHYWELCOMETO-"
"Whoa, whoa! Slow it down, there! Your lips are gonna start a fire!"
"Oh... sorry..." The enthusiastic waitress smiled and giggled. "I must have overreacted. You're the first customers we've had here in quite some time, now."
"I don't doubt it..."
"Come this way, please!" The young lady directed the fuzzy group to a booth by a window, and handed out a set of menus. "My name is Cathy, I'll be your server this morning. So, can I get you some coffee to start?"
"Sure, Cathy. Although I think my dark friend here would prefer a tall glass of liquid rage." Sonic turned to Shadow.
"Yes... I can't start my day without a bit of rage." Shadow's head twitched.
"Righty-o!" Cathy smiled brightly and skittered away to the kitchen with another giggle.
"Well, she seems... enthusiastic."
"Yeah... oh well. Let's just just see what they have to eat here..." The group opened up their menus.
-A few minutes later-
Cathy returned to the table in her usual chirpy fashion. "Here's your coffee and rage! Are you all ready to order?"
"Yes. And may I say, congratulations on finding over 300 ways to prepare waffles. I... would never have thought of that."
"Thank you! We love waffles here at the IWOW! It's what we do best! We love waffles! Waffles waffles waffles!" Cathy was now smiling wider than any human being should ever smile.
"Okay... spaz..."
"So, what can I get you?" Cathy spoke through a very unnerving set of perpetually smiling teeth.
"I will have the Belgian Waffle Supreme with garlic and yogurt."
"I think I'd like the Fiesta Waffle with extra sparklers. What about you, Tails?"
"Waffle!"
"Excellent choice. Shadow?"
"I'll have the Evil Waffle with some evil on the side."
"Let's see... how about the Holy-Freakin'-Crap-That's-A-Big Waffle with the one-gallon jug of syrup... and a Diet Coke."
"For me, the Jarlsberg Wafflette with buttery-flavored whatsits and extra spacklins will do well enough. What about you, Knuckles?"
"Just some pancakes for me." Cathy's eye twitched quite noticeably.
"Ex- excuse me, sir?"
"I just want some pancakes. Thank you." Cathy forced her smile wider as she cocked her head to one side.
"May I suggest a... different dish, sir? Perhaps... something waffle-based?"
"Eh... I'm not in a waffle-y mood today. A nice stack of hotcakes will do well enough." Cathy's smile was becoming forced and now contained a hint of sadistic dementia. "Is... that okay?"
"Su- Sure! One... moment... please!" Cathy tweaked and twitched as she made her way back to the kitchen. Sonic just stared at Knuckles.
"You just have to throw a wrench into everything, Knuckles."
"What? It's just pancakes."
(A.N. Who here thinks that statement is gonna come back to haunt him? Anyone? Anyone?)
-A couple more minutes later-
Cathy returned from the kitchen, carrying a tray that was practically overflowing with waffle-y goodness. "Here comes your food!"
"Wonderful! Looks awesome!" Cathy began handing out plates.
"Here's yours... and yours... and yours..." Cathy passed out each mouthwatering plate to its rightful and hungry owner. "...and yours!"
"Thanks!"
"Great!"
"Lovely!"
"Superb!"
"Freakin' sweet!
"Waffle!"
"Hey, where's mine?" Knuckles looked around at his happily eating friends and glanced down at his remarkably empty portion of the table. Cathy smiled her inhuman smile again.
"Oh, about that; the chef wanted to have a word with you."
"Are you serious? I just wanted some pancakes for crying out loud..." Knuckles started to get up from the table. "Hold on. Is the chef a small, two-dimensional man with a red hat who looks like he's made entirely of small squares?"
"As far as I know, the chef has always been three-dimensional!" Knuckles shrugged.
"Oh well. I won't be gone long."
"Or so you think..."
"What was that?"
"Nothing!" Cathy smiled and showed Knuckles the way to the kitchen. The others continued eating without a second glance.
"This is great! How's your waffle?"
"Fan-freakin'-tastic! How's that Fiesta Waffle?"
"Muy bien!"
"Stick to English, please."
"Sorry."
"How about your wafflette?"
"Delicious! Decadent! Amberfresious!"
"Amberfresious?"
"I had to invent a word to describe how awesome this thing is."
"Understandable."
The group continued their relentless assault on the poor, defenseless waffles. Each precious bite was tastier than the last; every morsel was blissful and euphoric.
This... was truly a breakfast of the gods.
The group nearly spent a solid two hours eating, stuffing their faces with waffle after waffle until they couldn't manage another bite. "I... am... stuffed!"
"Whoo! That was like... the greatest breakfast in the history of man."
"I concur. Simply wonderful."
"Well... I think we should leave."
"Yes. Check please!" Cathy skittered to the table.
"Here you go, sir!"
"Thank you." Sonic glanced at the check. "The meal was deli- WHAAAAAA?" Sonic took a second look at the check. "SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS?!?!?!?! ARE YOU INSANE?!?!?! ARE YOU TAKING CRAZY PILLS?!?!?!"
"Well, sir, your group DID eat a combined 213 plates of waffles." Sonic looked befuddled.
"YEAH?!?! WELL... I... um... you... SO?!?!?!"
"You can pay up front at the register. Have a nice day."
"Oh, you can stick your nice day up your-"
"Hey, wait a minute. Where's Knuckles?" A short silence filled the air.
"That's a very good question. I thought he was just going for a quick chat with the cook."
"Huh. Weird... oh well. We might as well go."
"Go? What about Knuckles?"
"He'll be okay. It's just a waffle house. He's not in any real danger." Sonic got up from the table with some difficulty (those waffles were really quite filling) and headed over to the cash register. "Knuckle's catch up eventually. I mean, come on. He's Knuckles."
-Meanwhile, in a darkened room...-
"Where... where am I?" Knuckles opened his eyes. He was in some kind of enclosed area, but couldn't see through the darkness. He tried to move his arms; they were bound behind his back. The same went for his feet. As for his body in general, it was tied to a chair. His head was pounding, and he felt concussed.
Suddenly, a dim light leaked into the room from the rightmost wall. Knuckles heard the sound of a door opening, and he could see the outline of a cloaked figure walking into the room. The door slammed shut, and Knuckles was immersed in darkness again, but he could hear footsteps approaching him. All of a sudden, the cloaked figure lit a large flaming torch which illuminated most of the room. Knuckles could see stone walls and a stone floor, plus an enormous, oddly-shaped item covered by a tarpaulin. In the center of the floor was a large, round insignia, carved into the solid rock.
The door opened again, and two more people in dark cloaks walked in, joining the figure in front of Knuckles. "Hello, red one."
"What... what's going on?"
"The Happy Waffle Club is... displeased with your alliance to the blasphemy."
"The happy what? What the cock-a-doodle is a Happy Waffle Club?"
"The Happy Waffle Club is an ancient society that has existed for centuries. And we will smite all blasphemers with an iron fist!"
"What blasphemy? What are you talking about?"
"We do not speak its name, suffice to say it is our sworn enemy, and have made it our mission to destroy it, and all of its followers."
"What are you talking about?!? WHAT IS IT?!?!"
"Silence, scum!" -SLAP- "All you must know is that you have committed an unforgivable act which must be dealt with!"
"Oh, is THAT what you're talking about? Listen, I had no idea that goat was lactose intolerant..."
"SILENCE, SCUM!" -SLAP-
"Ow!" The first cloaked figure removed a walkie-talkie from somewhere within his cloak and began speaking into it.
(A.N. Why don't you ever see a cloak with pockets? Even cult members have stuff to carry around. Oh well...)
"Jeremy!"
"Yes, sir?"
"We have a feisty one on our hands. Bring in... The Persuader!"
"That can't be good..."
Oh no! Ding dong! Coming soon in episode XIV-We delve even further into the dark and disturbing world of breakfast cookery. Plus... more Fatty Fatty Eggman! Yay! Episode XIV-Three Tales Of Soul-Sucking Terror