Death Bologna
-No animals were harmed in the making of this Disclaimer... well... not many, at least-
Once more, allow me to stress that I do not own Sonic, Sega, or anything related, even though I obviously deserve it. Right? Right? Oh, shut up.
Episode XIV-Three Tales Of Soul-Sucking Terror
Knuckles flinched as the chamber door opened for a second time. A fourth cloak-wearer entered the room, carrying with him a small red box. He made his way over to the first cloaked person's side, and presented the box to him. "Behold, blasphemer, The Persuader!!!" Gallons of sweat dribbled down Knuckles' face as the cloaked man slowly removed the lid from the box. As he reached inside, Knuckles could feel his heart pumping like an engine piston. With one swift move, the cloaked man removed his hand from the box and held in front of him...
...a key. A little gold key. "Haha!!!"
Knuckles was confused, as he could not comprehend how a key could be used as an effective torture device. Nevertheless, Knuckles decided that it was in his best interest to act frightened. "What? Oh, um... oh no! Not the key! PLEASE!!! ANYTHING BUT THE KEY!!!"
"Quiet down, moron. This isn't The Persuader. The Persuader is that big thing in the corner." The cloaked one pointed to the large object that was covered by the tarp. "The key just turns it on."
"Oh, right. I... I knew that."
"Jeremy! Amajabujingo! Bring The Persuader over here!"
"Righty-o!" Two of the four cloak-people ran over to the large item in the corner and began hauling it over to where Knuckles was seated. A few seconds later, the mysterious object was within arms' reach of poor, defenseless, mentally-subnormal Knuckles.
"Excellent..." The cloaked key-holder stood beside the machine and turned to face Knuckles. "Now, red one, you have one last chance to redeem yourself. If you renounce your alliance to the blasphemy, and choose the wafflicious path of yummy gooey righteousness, then you may go free."
"What blasphemy are you talking about?!?!"
"We are talking about the blasphemy that we dare not talk about!"
"Oh, that makes sense..."
"We are talking of the evil force that has tried to invade our realm. The evil force that begins with the letter... P." Knuckles got a confused look on his face.
"P... P..." Knuckles tilted his head to the side. "Paleontology?"
"No!"
"Portugal?"
"No!"
"Porcupine Tree?"
"No!"
"Thank goodness. Well, I have no idea what you guys are talking about, so, if you don't mind, I'd like to get going now; besides, these ropes are beginning to chafe me in some pretty odd places, and I-"
"Enough!!!" -SLAP- "If you will not change your evil ways voluntarily, then we will just have to change you ourselves!" The cloaked man ripped the tarp off of the large object.
"What... is that?" Knuckles stared at the item that was sitting in front of him. It looked like... well... it just looked like a giant boom box. The face housed two large speakers, and Knuckles could make out a series of buttons on the top, that read 'Play' 'Stop' 'Self-Destruct' and 'Dance Break', respectively. The cloaked man inserted the key into a small ignition slit on the side of the contraption and turned it. The two speakers suddenly lit up and began rumbling, as if they were about to explode.
"This... is The Persuader. Our top scientists have been working on this bad boy for the last two years."
"What... does it do?" Knuckles spoke slowly, as sweat streamed down his face.
"It is a large speaker system, that simultaneously plays the three most annoying sounds known to mankind over and over again. Those sounds are: nails on a chalkboard..."
"Good God..."
"...two balloons rubbing together..."
"Sweet Moses..."
"...and the most evil of all..."
"No... not that..."
"...the song 'It's A Small World' by Disney!!!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Knuckles screamed and squealed like a bagful of pigs being tossed into a cement mixer. "PLEASE!!!!! PLEASE NO!!!!! NOT THAT!!!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!!! BESIDES, THAT JOKE WORE OUT IN EPISODE 7!!!!!" The cloaked man chuckled and moved his hand so it hovered over the 'Play' button.
"So, red one, I will give you one last chance. Now that you know the fate that awaits you, will you cease your evil ways and convert to the waffled side of goodness?"
"WHAT... ARE... YOU... TALKING... ABOUT?!?! You guys are driving me insane, here!!! I haven't done anything evil!!!"
(A.N. Cue eyebrow raise.)
"Well... not that evil, anyway..."
"Very well! If you refuse to come to the side of goodness then I have no choice but to-"
"WHAT ARE YOU WAFFLE-HEADED FREAKS TALKING ABOUT?!?! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG!!! ALL I DID WAS WALK INTO THAT STINKIN' WAFFLE PLACE AND ORDER A PLATE..." Knuckles stopped. "Wait a second..."
-FLASHBACK-
"For me, the Jarlsberg Wafflette with buttery-flavored whatsits and extra spacklins will do well enough. What about you, Knuckles?"
"Just some pancakes for me." Cathy's eye twitched quite noticeably.
"Ex- excuse me, sir?"
"I just want some pancakes. Thank you." Cathy forced her smile wider as she cocked her head to one side.
"May I suggest a... different dish, sir? Perhaps... something waffle-based?"
"Eh... I'm not in a waffle-y mood today. A nice stack of hotcakes will do well enough." Cathy's smile was becoming forced and now contained a hint of dementia. "Is... that okay?"
"Su- Sure! One... moment... please!" Cathy tweaked and twitched as she made her way back to the kitchen. Sonic just stared at Knuckles.
"You just have to throw a wrench into everything, Knuckles."
"What? It's just pancakes."
"It's just pancakes..."
"It's just pancakes..."
"It's just pancakes..."
-END FLASHBACK-
A small lightbulb flickered on inside Knuckles' head. "Pancakes?!"
"YAAAAAAHHHIIIIISSSSSSS!!!" The four cloaked figures immediately put their hands to their ears while making a weird screaming-hissing sound. Knuckles just looked on confusedly.
"What's your problem?"
"Do not say that word in our presence!!!"
"What? 'Pancakes'?"
"YAAAAAAHHHIIIIISSSSSSS!!!"
"Seriously? That's what this whole thing was about? You guys are upset because I ordered pancakes in your stupid little waffle house?"
"Stop saying the P word!"
"Jeez... you guys have got some serious issues."
"Enough!!! Enough of this blasphemy!!! Do you renounce your alliance to the evil, or do you need some Persuading?"
"Renounce pancakes? Are you serious?"
"I AM DEAD SERIOUS!!!"
"Oh, blow it out your waffle hole." The three other cloakees gasped. Even though the first cloaked man's head was completely enshrouded by his hood, Knuckles could tell that the expression on his face was somewhere between 'I am going to punch you in the throat' and 'My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'
"VERY WELL!!!!! IF YOU REMAIN ON THE SIDE OF BLASPHEME, THEN I HAVE NO CHOICE!!!!! BRETHREN, EARPLUGS IN!!!!!" The four cloak-wearers each instantly produced their own set of earplugs, and applied them quickly without even dropping their hoods. "ANY LAST WORDS, RED ONE?"
"Yeah, actually. All of you waffle-suckers can LICK MY-"
"La la la la, I can't hear you! PERSUADER ON!!!" The cloaked man jammed down the 'Play' button.
And thus, the horror began.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
-But hey, what say we leave that tale of soul-sucking terror behind for a second and move on to Dr. Lardomancer's test lab-
(A.N. Excellent idea, if I don't say so myself.)
"-K-SHOOK- Prepare... TEST 3!!!! -K-SHOOK-"
"Gasp!"
"Gasp!"
"Well, $#!& me!"
"-K-SHOOK- No need for obscenity, #2784. -K-SHOOK-"
"Sorry, sir! Test 3 starting, sir!"
"-K-SHOOK- Yesssssss... at last I get to sample the sweet fruits of my labor. Is it all set down there? -K-SHOOK-"
"Ready to go, sir!!!"
"-K-SHOOK- Wonderful! Let's get jiggy with it! You feel me? -K-SHOOK-"
"I am in awe of your whiteness, sir!"
"-K-SHOOK- Fo' shizzle! But enough with the foolishness! Test 3: one pound..." Eggman looked to his left, then to his right. "...of Death Bologna!!!! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!!!! MUWAHAHOOHAHA!!!! -K-SHOOK-" Underling #13 gasped a second time.
"Not... not bologna, sir! We need more time! We should do more tests!"
"-K-SHOOK- Phooey with the tests! I want to see what this baby can do!!! -K-SHOOK-"
"But sir, if the meat becomes unstable, there's no telling what will-"
"-K-SHOOK- I don't give two hoots! Now prepare the bologna before I take you outside and set fire to you! -K-SHOOK-"
"Of course, sir! Apologies, sir!" Underling #13 saluted from the ground floor and gave a thumbs up to #12 and #2784, who stood beside him holding a styrofoam cooler. #12 and #2784 then made their trek over to the pedestal in front of the ginormous laser. A sci-fi-like mist poured out of the cooler as they popped the top off and gently reached inside.
"-K-SHOOK- Yes... YES... -K-SHOOK-"
With one swift-yet-dainty move they lifted the lifeless hunk of processed meat out of it's cheap styrofoam home and placed it ever-so-gingerly on the pedestal. The underlings gave a quick thumbs-up in Eggman's direction and exited the testing grounds. Eggman closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Finally... finally his plans were going to come to fruition.
He pressed his lips to the microphone one last time.
"-K-SHOOK- The following message goes out to all staff, and I'm not saying it again, so stop fiddle-faddling about and listen up!
"Gentlemen... ladies... robots... imbeciles... and 'other'... may I be the first to say, congratulations. I know that I'm... well... I'm probably not what most people would consider a 'nice' employer. You might even come to the conclusion that I despise all of you with a passion, and that I enjoy watching you suffer like an Alaskan ice fisher enjoys a cup of hot chocolate. However, I would like to set the record straight, and let it be known that nothing could be further from the truth. True, I do take delight in the misery of others. And, truth be told, I probably would have no problem with shoving each and every one of you into a burlap bag and tossing you into the Atlantic Ocean. However, that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate the hard work that you've done for me. And, of course, when I say 'hard work', I mean 'standing around idly, doing sod-all, and asking for a swift kick in the backside'. But that's beside the point.
"When it comes right down to it, you guys are the reason that this evil plan of mine came together. Each and every one of you guys are irreplaceable. Well, actually, I could probably replace you guys pretty easily, but you shouldn't let that get you down. The bottom line is, without you, I would have to lift all the heavy stuff myself, and that would totally suck. Now, I... I know that I may not be the most eloquent of speakers, but I think that it's important that you all know that you should be very proud of yourselves, and that you all rightfully deserve your place on Team Robotnik. Well, except for the scientists in F-Block. God knows they haven't done diddle-crap for me... (Note to self: destroy scientists in F-Block. Actually, for that matter, destroy F-Block.) Attention people in F-Block! Resistance is futile! Prepare to be annihilated! And just remember, you can only blame yourselves.
"As for the rest of you, I'm sure you've reason to be proud. You've all done a not-exactly-terrific-but-at-least-slightly-better-than-mediocre job. And, as a reward for not being total and utter screw-ups, I announce that from this day forward, no beatings will be given... unless absolutely necessary... or unless I feel like it. And also, from now on, Triple-Punishment Tuesday will be reduced to Double-Punishment Tuesday, however I will be instilling Double-Punishment Thursdays and Sundays as well... and possibly Saturdays. Finally, as a token of my appreciation, it should please you to know that on July 20th, I will be holding a big celebration barbecue over at my summer home in the Bahamas, and you are all invited to come...
"...and serve punch to the important people who I've invited. If you choose, you may also take their hats and coats. It's my way of saying thank you.
"So, now that that's all taken care of, let's kick off this shindig with a bang! I think this calls for a spot of music. Underling #219385-B, kick on the jams! -K-SHOOK-"
-Meanwhile, in another part of the world-
Sonic and gang plodded onward, sans Knuckles, across the better part of nowhere. Each country road seemed more desolate and lifeless than the last, and the-
Random Whiny Fanboy – Hold it! Hold it right there!
Kinetikai – Oh, not you again. What's the matter this time? Did I double-space?
Random Whiny Fanboy – How can you just keep stalling?!
Kinetikai – Oh, this is nothing. Did you see the gap between episodes 11 and 12?
Random Whiny Fanboy – Quiet!
Kinetikai – Quiet yourself. What do you mean, 'stalling'?
Random Whiny Fanboy – You are deliberately and maliciously drawing out Test 3 in Dr. Robotnik's Test Lab. It was mentioned in Episode 12 and has yet to be acted upon! You can't keep stringing it out! I want to know what happens!
Kinetikai – Is that all?
Random Whiny Fanboy – Yes!
Kinetikai – You're angry because I'm stringing out the Death Bologna test.
Random Whiny Fanboy – Yes!
Kinetikai – Well, as an architect once said to a greengrocer, "Tough luck, Chuck."
Random Whiny Fanboy – Meh! I will not stand for this!
Kinetikai – Have you considered that perhaps I am building dramatic tension?
Random Whiny Fanboy – Nuts to your dramatic tension!
Kinetikai – Oh, how uncalled for. Now listen here, Meddling Marty, this just so happens to be my fanfic. Ergo, I can write it however the POOF I want. I've got the plan, man. Now step aside or I'll subject you to a vicious stream of spelling and punctuation errors and your head will explode.
Random Whiny Fanboy – You wouldn't dare.
Kinetikai – O h, yees I w'oudl
Random Whiny Fanboy – GRAAAAARGH!!!! -CRANIAL EXPLOSION SOUND-
Kinetikai – Yuck. Nerdbrains. Oh, well. So much for this chapter. Don't worry. Next one'll be better. POOF!!!
Um... yeah... Coming soon in episode XV-Terror! Intrigue! Weirdness! Lollipops! Buttery scones! Excelsior! Oh yeah. It's a good'un. Episode XV-Stories From The Drunken Spud