Stinking Shurikens
Disclaimer: All characters, songs and scenes belong to their respective owners...
Chapter 1: Repeat Offenders
ANBU ZERO HQ
Iruka was reading the local newspaper, 'Konoha News' with the headlines, 'ANBU stabs Dead Man 12 Times: Bizarre Suicide Aftermath'.
Iruka puts the paper down and looks at Sasuke and Neji. "What do you have to say for yourself?"
Neji looks at the paper. "Well, it's being blown out of proportion."
Iruka reads out what was on the article, "'The corpse of Asuma Sarutobi, a respected businessman, received multiple stabs from kunais in front of a crowd of horrified shoppers'."
Neji objected. "See? What about taking out the word 'respected', leaving behind only businessman?"
"Then, we're left with 'corpse', 'kunais' and 'multiple stabs'," Iruka said.
"And 'horrified shoppers'," adds Sasuke.
Neji protested. "Look, the opinion polls said that 80 percent of the population will do the same thing if they were in our position."
Iruka stood up and walks past a photo of a blonde man shaking hands with a very evil looking man. "When Mayor Naruto started ANBU ZERO, the press gave it a year and nine years later, we're still here. Among our 200 plus Shinobis, only 18 kunais have been used."
"4 of those are yours, Neji?" Sasuke mumbled to Neji.
"And yesterday, 14 kunais were used, 12 straight into Asuma with two in your hands." Iruka said, "They want me to sack you..."
"But we're close to completing the Jiraiya case!" protested Sasuke.
"It's only until this thing blows over. We can't have you after the Jiraiya case if those papers are eyeing out for you."
"Of course, I mean, next week, some other businessman will die in a strange chain of freaky unexplainable flukes," Neji said, "and all this will be forgotten."
"Look, you're down to uniform duties until this blows over."
"Great," Sasuke mumbled to himself sarcastically, "out of the suits and back into the regular Jonin vests..."
"I'm on your side, Sasuke. If Orochimaru was here..."
"Yeah, yeah, if Orochimaru was here," Sasuke mumbled again.
"Remember the time when Kabuto threw out some very important evidence for a case, and Orochimaru got so pissed off that he forced Kabuto into a barrel and pushed him down 8 flights of stairs." Iruka explained.
Neji pointed at the stairs. "In there?" he asked.
"Yes."
"But why did he have a barrel in an 8-storey building?" Neji asked.
"I don't know," Iruka said then he opens a file, "Look, for now, both of you will be down to uniform duties."
Neji was driving a van along a street as Sasuke was at the passenger reading the 'Konoha News', as the headlines had the pictures of their faces.
"I say that we look good on this newspaper article," Sasuke commented.
"Just like that show on TV," Neji said as he drove through into a street. "Hey, Sasuke, I got an idea, guess what this catchphrase is. 'Gotta catch 'em all'!"
"What's that?" Sasuke asked.
"Just something I remembered when I was watching TV a few weeks ago," Neji explained, "Look it will blow over eventually!" At that instant, some kids were riding on bicycles next to the van throwing water balloons at Sasuke and Neji.
"Hey! Don't you know who we are!" Sasuke yelled out as he shows the newspaper at the kids, but they continued to throw water balloons at the van and its occupants. "We're under attack by hooligans throwing water balloons at our vehicle!" Neji yelled into a radio.
Asuma's Residence
Sasuke and Neji were rolling up the police line tape...
"Hey, Neji, can you keep a secret?"
"What is it?"
"Well, I just happen to find out that our 'respected' businessman had a..." Sasuke did a hand gesture, but Neji didn't understand. "Erm...what is the legal term for 'having an affair with someone else'?"
Neji rolled up the tape. "I guess it would be called, 'Very Personal Business Matters involving something sexual' or in two words from my dictionary, 'over ambitious'..."
Sasuke was silent and Neji suddenly had a gut feeling that someone was behind him. "Sasuke, there's someone behind me, right?" Sasuke nods. "Of all the worst possible..."
Sasuke walked to the woman. "Oh, Mrs. Sarutobi, I'm Sasuke Uchiha and this is Neji Hyu..." Kurenai cuts Sasuke off. "I know who you are. Come, I got something to show you."
Kurenai leads Sasuke and Neji to a computer and opens the history log. "I didn't tell the Jonins that came for questioning yesterday and I was hoping that you would pass this onto them."
Sasuke takes out a cigarette. "Mind if I smoke, Mrs. Sarutobi?"
"Got a spare one?"
Sasuke gives Kurenai a cigarette and Sasuke lights both cigarettes.
"You see, some of my husband's files on this computer were removed," explained Kurenai.
"Couldn't he have deleted them?" Sasuke asked.
"No, I checked the history. It was 5 hours after the accident."
"Alright, can I use your phone, Mrs. S?"
Neji enters the room with a whole pile of police tape.
"Neji, could you get a printout of the history log?" Sasuke said as he accidentally taps his cigarette butt into the pile of police tape...
Sasuke was using Kurenai's phone.
"That's right; I've got some new information about Asuma. Right, we'll bring it over."
Sasuke puts the phone down and turns to Kurenai. "Look, Mrs. S, I don't know how to apologize for what happened to your husband."
"It's alright, Sasuke." Kurenai smiled and said, "And please, call me Kurenai."
"If it's any consolation, we will get this guy. I promise." Sasuke opens the door, only to see Neji in a room surrounded by flames and the computer destroyed.
Neji looked at Sasuke. "I think we got a problem..."
Sasuke, Kurenai and Neji quickly ran out of the burning house...
The next day, ANBU ZERO HQ
Iruka was reading the paper, with the headlines, 'Repeat Offenders' and a picture of the fire that destroyed the Sarutobi residence.
"There's a lot of nice words in this one. 'Moronic duo, terrifying inferno, same two Shinobis, irony lost on widow, f-ing idiots who must surely now be sacked!'" Iruka puts the paper down. "In 5 hours, Orochimaru will be under the knife and no one has the guts to tell him about what's going on," Iruka said.
"Wait, what about the computer?" Sasuke asked.
"The same computer that was destroyed in the latest 'ANBU ZERO's F-ked up unit's public relations fiasco'?"
"But Asuma's wife, she could..."
"Sasuke, I don't want you near that woman again!" Iruka yelled out and walked to the door, letting Shino and Kiba enter the office.
"Shino and Kiba will take over the Jiraiya case. They will continue on from where you left off."
"Don't worry, we'll get this guy," said Kiba
Shino opens the file. "You've made quite a bit of progress here. We'll be happy to close this case."
"I bet you will!" said Sasuke.
"Stop it, Sasuke. He didn't burn down a house full of evidence," Iruka said.
Sasuke turns his head to Shino. "He wouldn't know where to start..."
There was silence, then Neji asked, "Mind if I get the barrel, Iruka?"
Sasuke and Neji walked out of the office.
"I hate that Shino, 'We'll be happy to close this case.' I hate the way he said that. We were not at the back of a van for 10 months, just so that they would add in the final cross to the T."
Sasuke and Neji walked to the lift, Sasuke was beginning to lose his cool and Neji had to do something.
"Sasuke, calm down. Face it. We're off the case." At that moment, Sasuke continually hits the lift button. "That's good. Very good. You're doing well to calm down."
Sasuke and Neji were in the lift.
"You know what pisses me off?" Sasuke said, "Iruka's speech yesterday, 'Nine years ago...yada, yada.' I've been here since day one and until last week, the f-k ups are few and far apart."
"I've been with the ANBU ZERO for 5 years," Neji said "And two years before that, I was just a regular Jonin. My first mission was that, I would go down to the TV station to be an officer in the background doing their job for ' Japan's Most Wanted'..."
6 Years ago, Konoha's Most Wanted
The host, Anko was at a desk with the background set as an office full of Jonins and Neji was in his Jonin uniform...
Anko: The offender at the Ichiraku's Ramen robberies is on the run as ninjas...
In the background, Neji was doing whatever a police officer would do in the background in a similar show that this scene is making a parody of.
"My job was to do random stuff like drinking coffee, typing on computers or putting up old files. But one time, I got a little bit over-ambitious when I wanted to put some files back on a shelf..."
Neji climbed up a ladder at a file shelf, but the ladder tilted backwards.
Anko: The suspect is what appears to be a life-sized cutout of Heero...
"Watch out!" A crew member cried out and the host ran away from the set. The ladder hit the glass window that had the 'Konoha's Most Wanted' title and Neji was sliding down the glass window, with his face on the on the window, causing everyone to laugh...
Back in the lift...
"That was you!" Sasuke said in surprise and he laughed.
Neji continued. "See, you are only remembered for the bad things that happened to you while the good things you do are easily forgotten..."
Sasuke and Neji walked out of the lift and Sasuke suddenly said, "I think I'll ask Kurenai again."
"But Sasuke, Iruka said that you're not supposed to go near her. She may have fled the country by now."
Sasuke was calm as he made his way to the exit. "Not to worry, her husband's funeral is tomorrow. She'll be there". Sasuke walked out of the building.
"Oh no, Sasuke, we can't," Neji called out as he followed Sasuke.
"I'm only going to talk to her. What could happen?"
Two days later...
Iruka was reading the papers, with the headline 'Funeral Outrage' and a picture of Sasuke, Neji and a flying coffin. Neji and Sasuke were in their Jonin uniforms in front of Iruka's desk.
"Do you know who's writing these articles?" Iruka asked.
Sasuke looked away. "Yep."
"Sakura Haruno."
Neji looked at Sasuke. "Who's Sakura Haruno?" asked Neji.
"Sasuke?" asked Iruka.
"Well," Sasuke spoke out. "Let's just say that I never had a good relationship with the press."
Iruka nods. "That's one way to put it."
"So, are we sacked?" asked Sasuke.
"I'm leaving that decision with Orochimaru." Then Iruka ordered, "But at this moment, you two are not to leave this building, understand? You're on night watch duty."
At the lift, Sasuke vents his anger as he hits the lift button with Neji watching.