IV. Desire - a longing or craving, as for something that brings satisfaction or enjoyment
James couldn't help but think what an unattractive name Lily Black was. It was when he considered Lily Potter that he pushed the thought out of his mind. After the introductions, James returned to his chambers, where he remained for the rest of the day, until Sirius called for him.
"James!" he exclaimed. "How was the trip? You disappeared this morning. I didn't have a chance to talk with you."
James swallowed. "I'm sorry about that. I was very tired. The trip went well. Very different place over there."
"Yeah, really. I've heard about it," Sirius said. "So how do you like Lily?" he asked.
James hesitated. "She's great," he said, simply.
"Yeah. She's really beautiful, isn't she?" he said, dreamily. "Did you get a chance to meet her, over the trip?"
"Yeah, yeah, a little bit," James said quickly.
"Come sit with us at dinner tonight," Sirius offered.
"Oh no, its all right. I'll sit with the others," James said.
"I insist, James. You will sit with us, alright?"
James nodded, then left.
Lily sat beside Sirius at dinner and James on the other side of him. Lily ate in small bites; James ate nothing. Sirius sat in the middle chatting happily to each of them, often trying to get them to converse with each other, but all their sentences would be one-word answers.
"James, you haven't touched your food!" Sirius exclaimed.
"I'm not hungry," he said simply.
"What has been wrong with you lately, James? This trip has changed you," Sirius declared. "You're not the same!"
James stole a quick glance at Lily who was staring back at him. "I'm still the same," he said, patting his friend on the back, "just a little tired, is all." He stood up, "I should be off to bed. If you will excuse me," he bowed.
"Yes, yes, of course," Sirius said. James began to leave. He could feel Lily's eyes on his back. "Something happened to him," he heard Sirius tell her. "Normally he is remotely interesting."
"Don't leave me, Belqua," Lily pleaded later that night after dinner. She was in her sleeping gown in her chamber. Sirius was in the changing room, getting ready.
"I must. It is not my place. I am just across the hall," Belqua reassured her. "You will be fine." The door opened and Sirius walked in. "Excuse me," Belqua said, and scurried out.
"You look beautiful," Sirius said to Lily.
Lily blushed. "Thank you," she said.
"Well, shall we?" Sirius asked, motioning to the bed. Lily nodded and slipped under the covers on one side. They sat side by side in silence for a couple moments, until Sirius rolled over and pressed himself on top of her. He kissed her, but she just lay motionless underneath him. His touch was cold, and Lily finally stopped him.
"I'm sorry," she said.
He looked at her confused.
"Its just…" she began. He sat back leaning on one arm. "I… I can't before I'm married," she said quickly.
Sirius smiled. "Of course," he chuckled, "please forgive me." Lily gave a small smile and nodded. She moved herself to the edge of the bed and turned away from him. He rubbed a hand on her shoulder for a few moments, then turned to the opposite side and fell asleep.
Lily could hear his deep, easy breaths, and she couldn't stop the tears rolling down her cheeks.
During the next week, the town fell into a busy motion preparing for the biggest celebration they'd ever seen. James was one of the few who was not a part of this motion. He tried to ignore talk of the wedding, but tried not to show that he didn't care. It wasn't until three days before the event that he was forced to accept it.
"James! How have you been lately? I haven't seen you at all!" Sirius exclaimed embracing his friend.
"Oh, I've been alright. Really busy, you know," James said, trying to be nonchalant.
"Right," he said. "Well, James, I've something to ask you," Sirius said, reaching into his pocket.
"Go ahead," James said.
"I want you to be my Best Man, at the wedding," he said.
James was stunned. He didn't see that coming, and he knew he should have. He didn't say anything.
"Is that a yes?" Sirius asked, laughing.
James shook himself out of his daze. "Yes, yes of course," he said. "It would be my honor. But what about Regulus?" James asked looking for an excuse.
"Are you kidding? You're my best friend. The only thing Regulus and I have in common is our mother."
"Right, right," James said.
"So you will?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Of course," James smiled.
"Thank you, James," Sirius said gratefully. "My first thing for you is to hold onto the ring."
"The what?" James asked, his voice cracking.
"The ring! You as the Best Man get to keep it until the wedding. Duh," Sirius said.
"Oh, right. Silly me, I forgot," James said trying to cover himself. "Never been a Best Man before, you know?"
Sirius chuckled. "Well, here take it. And don't lose it." He dropped the ring in his hand. "Well, I best be off. Lily is waiting for me. See you around, Best Man." Sirius pat him on the shoulder and walked away.
James remained stationary staring at the ring in the palm of his hand. It was a thin band with one diamond. It was simple, beautiful, just like her. It was somehow by seeing the ring that made the possibility of he and Lily disappear from his head. He knew now it could never be.
"I need to see him, Belqua," Lily pleaded. The day of the wedding had finally arrived and Lily was a wreck.
"No," Belqua said firmly. "It is time to let go of the past, Lily. You are getting married today, not to him, if I can remind you."
"But, I just have to see him, once more," she said. "Belqua, I can't do this without talking to him."
Belqua sighed. She hated sneaking around like this. This was not the first time she had done this for Lily. "Fine," she gave in. "But this is the last time I am doing this for you."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you," Lily said kissing her hand.
Belqua left the chamber and wandered through the castle looking for James. She finally found him outside sitting alone.
"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans requests a word with you," she said sternly.
James looked up at her with sunken eyes. "No," he said, quietly.
Belqua cleared her throat. "Mr. Potter, Miss Evans requests a word with you," she repeated.
"No," he said, once more, a little louder.
"Mr. Potter, please," she said.
"No," he said. "And that's my final answer." He stood up and walked away from her. Belqua felt offended.
"Excuse me," she said marching after him. "You don't understand Mr. Potter. Miss Evans needs to see you."
"I can't see her," he said. "I need to go – erm – get ready for the," he hesitated, "wedding." With that he walked away into the woods. Belqua rushed back into the castle and up to Lily's chambers.
"Well?" she asked, desperately.
"He wouldn't come with me," Belqua said.
"What? Why not? Belqua, I need to see him."
"Lily, he's let it go. He's moved on. Its time now for you to do that," Belqua said, softly.
Lily's bottom lip quivered as tears rushed into her eyes. "I-I can't."
"You need to," Belqua replied. "Now sit down and let me brush your hair."
Lily sat down in front of the vanity staring at her reflection. Her face was pale and her eyes were puffy and red from crying. She sniffled and took a deep breath. Belqua was right. She had to move on.
The wedding would begin at 6 o' clock. It took place outside in one of the few places in the area known for its dry conditions. The weather was perfect. The clouds had burnt off and the fog had parted. It wasn't terribly cold, either, but it still was chilly. There was a soft breeze that blew every so often.
James stood in the woods alone, thinking, something he did often nowadays. Lily had asked to see him, but he refused her. He knew he had to put the past behind him, for his sake, for her sake and for Sirius' sake.
He wasn't sure if it was his imagination, but he could feel the weight of the ring in his pocket pulling him down. Behind him he heard a brush. Someone was behind him. He knew who it was, immediately.
"Why did you come to find me?" he asked without turning around.
"I-I had to see you," she said, desperately.
"I think we should put this behind us, now," he said, still without looking at her.
"I can't do it that easily," she said.
"Well you must," he said. He could feel her move closer to him. She took hold of his hand and he turned around. She was in her wedding gown. Her red hair was pulled up. A stray strand around her face was fluttering with the wind. She looked beautiful. He felt a sickening feeling in his stomach as he realized he would not be the one to marry her.
"I love you, James," she said.
"Don't say that," he said, fiercely. "You are marrying my best friend. I can't do this to him."
"So you'd rather torture yourself?" she asked.
"I'm not torturing myself," he said.
"I see you everyday, at meals, around the castle, sulking," she said. "You're miserable and you know it."
"Well are you any different?" he asked.
"No. That's what I've come here for," she said. "To end our misery."
"And how do you suppose we do that?"
"Kiss me," she said. He looked at her, weary. A beam of light peered out from the trees and fell gracefully upon her. She looked enchanting. "Just one last time," she whispered.
He pressed his mouth against hers and they shared a slow, passionate kiss. He finally broke the kiss and looked into her green eyes. He felt he could lose himself in them. She looked so wonderful in the light. They stood still just gazing into each other's eyes.
"Don't marry him," he whispered to her.
She smiled. "You know I can't," she said. "But don't ever forget that you are the one in my heart." He smiled at her and brushed a strand of hair from her face.
"I won't," he said.
In the distance they heard the church bells ring. "I have to go," she said. Stepping away.
"I know," he said, not wanting to let go of her hand, but she pulled it away. She took two steps then looked back at him. He smiled at her. And she ran back to his arms kissing him one last time.
"Go," he said, after pulling away. "You're going to be late." She smiled at him and kissed him once more, then left, for good this time.
And again he was alone; with the woman he loved walking away from him and the ring she would be bonded with weighing him down to the ground.
The wedding was beautiful, even though the clouds began to roll in again, making the area dark. As Lily walked down the aisle, she stole a quick glance at James who smiled at her; she wanted to smile back but thought it would be too obvious.
Her voice was soft when she spoke to say, "I do." And when James stepped forward to give the ring to Sirius, she bit her lip to keep from smiling. But the end was the hardest for her, to have to kiss Sirius in front of James. She knew it would be equally hard for both of them.
The kiss was simple, mediocre, nothing compared to that of James. Sirius looked ecstatic about it. She had never really looked at him until that day. He was handsome and charming. She didn't think it would be that bad with him. She knew he cared for her immensely. But she just couldn't help herself by wishing James was standing there next to her.