Liasonfan101: Thanks so much!!!! I'm glad you're still enjoying the story!

SCLindseySC: Thanks!! I've always enjoyed both characters so much and hated how TPTB insist on keeping them stunted and refuse to examine their insecurities, character flaws and strengths objectively.

Alicat621: I'm so happy to have brought this fanfiction back to life. It's one of my favorites to write and always has been. I'm really glad you're enjoying it!

gyrlfrend: I just got your email, actually! Thanks so much and I'm so happy you still like this fanfiction despite my terrible lack of updates. Since right now this and NP are my babies they're the ones that I'm focused on so no more lagging for me!

Chapter Four: Dying Proof

Watching Elizabeth was painful, sometimes even more painful then thinking of or seeing Courtney. Not when she cried, which she didn't do much. No, it was when she was surrounded by the crowd, making conversation.

Her smiles never quite touched her eyes and her laughter was hollow. Not so anyone would notice though, only he did and sometimes, AJ thought, Jason did too. AJ would see his brother's eyes cloud over, his jaw tighten and then AJ would whisk her away because she didn't deserve to be in the mess that was his life.

She didn't deserve to be the other woman.

At the moment she was on the balcony of his new home, which she herself had decorated in light blue walls and darker blue panels with black leather furniture. It was much of her home as it was his. He liked that, liked the fact that she felt as though she could come into his home whenever she wanted to get away from her life. Liked the fact that not only his home but he himself was a sanctuary for her.

A month had come, passed. Snow blanketed the ground and talk of Christmas had already begun to fill the air. Children were excited, parents were shopping, as for Elizabeth, she was keeping busy, always busy. Cleaning, painting, working, getting ready to go back to college. There was nary a moment that she would just sit down, rest. Even on thanksgiving she had went all out, making the two of them dinner since her grandmother had went to Europe to spend the holiday with the rest of the Webbers- something Elizabeth hadn't been invited to.

The sliding door opened ands in walked Elizabeth, sketch pad in hand as she chewed thoughtfully on her lower lip. Her windblown hair fell over her pale cheeks; there wasn't even a redness from the cold, that worried him. Her blue eyes, slightly sunken in, bags the size of Texas underneath. The girl had seen better days. After she brushed the snow off her tight maroon sweater that accented how thin she kept getting, Elizabeth thrust the sketch book at him. "I, um, I drew you that. I did…I did it from memory so it might not be so good but you told me you had no pictures of Michael at this age so…I…thought this might help you."

AJ took the book and stared down at it, mouth agape as tears stung his eyes. It was beautiful, beyond beautiful. A sketch of Michael sleeping, his head against a pillow, eyes closed, looking at peace. "I'm…this is perfect. Thank you."

A small, strained smile touched her lips. "I'm glad you like it. I…have to get ready for work."

AJ put a hand on her shoulder, "wait, please?"

Slowly, she turned around. "You need to rest a little, Elizabeth. I'm worried about you."

Her eyes met his, "Oh, no. I'm fine. No need to worry, really." She patted him on the arm before taking off up the stairs in large bounds.

Furrowing his brow, AJ began to follow her up the steps but a knock on the door. When he opened it to see Courtney, AJ felt his heart sink. He wasn't ready to talk to her, not yet.

"AJ, I…I need to talk to you."

Closing his eyes, AJ stepped away from the door to let her in. Her blonde hair shimmered in the light and he ached to touch it but the feeling was empty. He knew that now. When she turned hr eyes were filled with tears. "I love you, AJ, I do."

"Courtney-"

"Let me finish. I love you but…I know what you did to me." Her chin raised a little, eyes meeting his. "I know you used me to get Michael back and I can't stand it. It's sick. You bargained my life for another. That's wrong."

It was like a slap in the face, a well deserved slap in the face. So she knew. What was he supposed to say? 'I'm sorry' just seemed patronizing and not big enough of a gesture. "It's true. I used you."

The tears began to spill, each one cutting a jagged whole through his already shattered heart. Quickly, she wiped them away. "I trusted you, with my life, my body, my heart and it was all a lie?" Brushing her blonde hair behind her shoulder, she went on, body trembling. "You never loved me, did you? It was all some kind of sick joke? Some kind of plan?"

Wetting his lips, AJ looked away. "It started out…as a plan to get Michael back. Courtney, I'm sorry…I am. More then you'll ever know…"

"You didn't. You…you never loved me." Before he could protest, she went on. "You told me you did, said a part of you always would but that isn't possible. It just isn't! If you loved me, really loved me then you would have told me the truth!"

It was hard seeing the pain in her eyes, hearing the truth in her words. Maybe he hadn't loved her, maybe it was just some kind of gratitude that he felt, some kind of hope. Maybe he loved the idea of being in love. Being in love with someone like her, sweet and kind and loyal…

I know you believe we can and that's one of the reasons I fell in love with you

"But you lied and you lied and you lied to me. You never stopped. Maybe you wanted it, AJ. Maybe you wanted to believe[/i you could love me, I don't know. I don't think I know anything anymore, I especially don't think I know you." Her voice wavered at the end, broke. "But you were so kind to me…I…I'm so stupid."

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on it's own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed
It's a place where words are spoken you
will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind
to speak at me
How far can it be f

AJ's eyes lowered, "No, you're not stupid, Courtney. I…if I didn't love you, I at least…I cared for you." Wincing at the scowl on her face, AJ took a step forward reproachfully. "Look, I'm pretty messed up, I always have been and my idea of love, it's not like other peoples…it's not normal." Coughing into his hand, he looked helplessly at the ceiling. "#$, Courtney. I'm an addict, a #$ addict. We don't have relationships, we take hostages. We don't love, we…want fixes." There was so much he wanted to tell her, to thank her for, to apologize for but the words wouldn't come out and she was speaking once more.

"So what was I to you? Just…a glass of vodka?"

"I…don't know."

The slap was heard throughout his house and the stinging of his cheek radiated throughout the rest of his face, slamming his head to the side. "I am not some, some, some objectt, I'm a human being. A human being!"

"You're right." He choked out.

She sniffled, wiping away more tears, "what kind of monster are you? What kind of father would you be if you just think you can auction people off like whores? I'm not a whore, AJ but you treated me like one. Shoveling money at me, trading me in for whatever it is you want!"

AJ heard Elizabeth come down the steps, saw her shadow cross Courtney's face. The blonde looked upwards, "is that what you're doing with her? Trying to hurt Jason? Is she just another object to you, AJ. Or am I the only one stupid enough to fall for your games?"

"Please…don't bring Elizabeth into this…"

"Is she better in bed?" Courtney asked in a hurt tone, "does she tell you how much she loves you? Does she cater to your little self-esteem issues?" A short laugh followed as she played ran her palms over her the cotton material of her black pants. "Does she enable you too, AJ?"

"Stop acting like the hurt party." Elizabeth snapped as she finished walking down the stairs. "Yeah, he used you. That sucks, I get it. But you lied too, Courtney. You told him he had nothing to worry about when it came to Jason."

"He didn't."

Snorting, Elizabeth glared at her. "Right, keep telling yourself that. You don't think I see how you look at Jason? How you looked at him on the docks that night he saved you? And you had the number to our hotel rooms in Washington. After you told AJ you would come to him if there were any problems…you went straight to Jason. You could have called him, gone to Mike, to Sonny, to anyone…but you chose Jason, the man AJ hates the most in this world." Her hand on her hip, she smirked. "Coincidence? I think not."

"That never would have happened if you hadn't left with him."

Dry, humorless laughter rang out. "And you knew how much I cared for Jason, we talked about it. But you still kissed him, I had been so nice to you. So don't you dare talk about me in any way shape or form."

Courtney's mouth twisted open, "none of this makes what AJ did to me any better."

"You're absolutely right, it doesn't. But it does give me room to kick your ass out of this house."

Courtney's eyes narrowed, "he'll hurt you too."

"Life is pain. Now get out."

Much to AJ's surprise, Courtney walked out, slamming the door behind her. Taking a deep breath he turned to Elizabeth. "I didn't love her. I…" AJ rested his forehead on his hand as he looked at the floor, letting the tears leak out. "I didn't…can you, I need some time…"

"Alone. I get it." She said softly, "I'll be upstairs calling off." Gently she put her hand on his shoulder, "if you need me…"

"I know."

He heard her bound up the steps quickly before he collapsed onto the couch, the energy wiped out of him. He didn't love Courtney…he never did. God, did he even know how to love? Would he ever?

A storm of emotions welled up inside him but wouldn't be released into tears and he didn't know why, didn't understand it and before he could even try the door opened, slammed shut and Jason walked in.

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me

"Aren't you happy enough ruining your own life?" Jason hissed out, "why are you so hell bent on hurting other people too?"

AJ looked up and took a deep breath; he was definitely not ready for this. Not at all. Dropping his head down again, AJ didn't even answer his brother. How could he? What answer did he have…

Damn it, he needed a drink.

"Wasn't Courtney enough, AJ? Now you have to screw Elizabeth over?"

AJ wiped his hand over his face, "it kills you, doesn't it?" The growl of his tone was unexpected but welcomed. "Elizabeth Webber got a taste of the great Jason Morgan, didn't like it and came to me? Must hurt."

XXXXXXXXXXX

It hurt.

It hurt because AJ was telling the truth.

Jason stared at his brother for a moment, the guy wasn't even angry. He was just sitting there like he had lost everything. But the words hit Jason like a ton of bricks and it was the fact they were said so plainly, so lifelessly. They weren't out of anger. Just a depressing fact that hung over them like a storm cloud.

But it hurt more seeing the stamp of Elizabeth in his house. She had to have helped decorate it, the place even smelled like her.

Her aroma permeated the air, fresh flowers, lavender.

"Where is she?"

AJ snorted, "so you can rub salt in her wounds? I don't think so." Picking up his glass of water, he took a drink. Damn, it tasted foul. "It's none of your business where she is anymore."

Jason's eyes narrowed, "where is she?" He said again, this time with more force. No matter what, no matter how she felt about him now she had to know that AJ would hurt her ten times worse. Retreating to him was the worst thing she could have done to herself. "AJ."

"I won't allow you to hurt her again, Jason. She deserves better then that." The dark haired man insisted as he smoothed over his wife beater, after standing up. A look, Jason realized, he shouldn't need anymore since he had his money back. "Is she still in any kind of danger? Is someone going to kidnap her again? Do you plan on shooting her again? Because if so, I'll take care of her and I'll keep her safe. I just need to know."

"Where is she?"

"So articulate, little brother." AJ shot out, raising his arms in the air, "and what will you say to her? 'Oh, I'm sorry I got married but how about a little diddling on the side, I hope you don't mind but Courtney and I have the same arrangement.' I don't think that will go over well." Walking past him, AJ turned around and glared, "she's not second best, Jason. You don't get to treat her that way anymore."

"She was never second best to me."

"So what, she was third?" Shaking his head, AJ rolled his eyes, "where did she rate on the hierarchy of people you care about Jason? Tell me where?" His demands grew louder and Jason could see his fury mount. As much as Jason hated it, the words were right on, each one cutting him like a knife. "It has to be after Sonny and Carly, that's third. Then there's Brenda and Courtney, now Elizabeth's fifth."

"What about you, AJ? How does she rate with you? How far after Vodka?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Shut the hell up."

AJ felt the tears burn behind his lids, "Just shut the hell up. Leave me alone, go away."

The taller brother stared at him, adjusting his leather jacket a little. "You're not denying it, are you? You know it's true. The second you get the chance, you're going to take that drink. You're going to drag her down with you. I won't stand by and watch, not this time."

"Gonna jump in a car with me again? I'd actually have reason to ram your head into a tree this time." AJ snapped out angrily. "You're such a twisted #$, you know that? You say you don't give a damn about me but still find the time to twist that knife a little deeper."

"It's never about you."

Laughing bitterly, AJ shook his head. "Oh right, I keep forgetting. You're out to save the world, one potential victim of mob violence at a time."

"You're an idiot, a loser, a drunk and you'll never be anything more. I won't stand for you dragging Elizabeth down with you, she deserves better then that."

"You mean like you?" AJ inquired nastily, "like the perfect, all knowing Jason Morgan?" He asked dryly, his hands clenching together. How much more could he take? How many punches to the gut? Not many, he already felt himself slipping. "You had your chance and you screwed that one up. You touched gold and let it slip through your fingers."

"And you'll grind it to dust." Jason remarked coldly, "you'll destroy her like you do everyone else. Like you did Courtney…because that's who you are, AJ, who you'll always be."

Do you think that it got up and left for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

It broke.. All it took was a few visits and the string holding AJ together, letting him think that he moved onto a better place had been snapped. "Then why didn't you let me die?" His voice was low, almost inaudible. AJ looked up at his brother, swallowing slowly. "Why?!" He asked more forcefully, "I was all set to die, wouldn't have felt a thing I was so numb."

Without leaving Jason time to speak, AJ continued speaking as he paced the room like a trapped animal, raw emotion in every nuance, every syllable. "But you couldn't, couldn't let me have that peace. Couldn't do the right thing and let me burn, could you? No. Had to drag me out of there, had to play the hero. Didn't matter that I wanted to die."

"It was a suicide attempt, not arson, not trying to hurt anyone. I wanted death. Blackness, I wanted it to end. It was so real I could taste it, I thought I could find some peace, damn it! Once and for all, it would be over!" AJ grabbed Jason's jacket, eyes wild with fury, "but you took it away, just like you take everything away. Can't I have anything, Jason? Anything at all?"

"Courtney would have died herself, out of guilt. How selfish can you be?"

The tears came, he couldn't stop them. Collapsing onto the ground, AJ huddled up into a ball. "Why can't it be over? Why can't it just be over? I wanted it to end, I wanted the pain to stop, the hatred to be gone. I just wanted it all gone."

"Oh my God! AJ!"

Elizabeth's voice rang out like an angel's; he heard her soft footsteps come quickly down that staircase. "Are you alright? AJ?" Her hands fell on his shoulders, his forearms, his face. Cool, soft, gentle. It felt so good…

But then they stopped. She was standing. "Get the hell out, get out."

"Eliza-"

"GET OUT!" She screamed, "what the hell were you thinking? You have Courtney; you have his son, go away, get out. You have enough. Leave him alone!" AJ looked up to see Elizabeth shoving at his brother, "go! Get out! Haven't you done enough to us? Taken enough? Go."

"I need to get through to you, Elizabeth. Listen to me-"

"I'm through listening to you. Look what you did? My God, what the hell is wrong with you? Don't you think?" With each word her voice got louder, more irrational. "He's trying to do the right thing, he's let Courtney go, he's leaving you alone. Isn't it enough? Is anything enough for you?"

XXXXXXXXXXX

Why you gotta be so mean to me
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me

It was mixing in Liz's head. Where her anger at Jason lay. Was it for AJ? For herself? She didn't know, didn't care. It was there, the prominent force in her mind. The weariness and fatigue faded and she was burning, hatred, anger, all for him. "People bend over backwards for you, to please you, to make you happy and be sure you're okay. But it doesn't work, it never works. You just suck it all up and never give back. You stare and you think it'll all be okay when it isn't. It never will be."

Shoving at him again and standing between the brothers she let her tirade go on, no stopping now. Not ever stopping. "I sleep with Zander, I get punished. Fine. But you never told me how you felt, you never did. And I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what's in your head. If you want a quick lay or something more! But you shut me out, one mistake and I was gone."

"No wonder AJ hates you. No wonder Robin left. The only person willing to stay is Carly and what does that tell me, Jason? It tells me that she just wants to fill some freakish void in herself and you want her there to fill yours."

"That…isn't- isn't true." Jason argued, "my world was dangerous, you left because…"

"Because I didn't matter to you, I'm good at being your damsel but nothing else. Not someone to trust, to love, to be equals with. That's why we ended for good. I saw you with Courtney and I realized I'll never be enough for you."

Jason's eyes clouded over, "you can't honestly think that Elizabeth."

"Why not? It's the truth. You never wanted me, never wanted to try. I see that now. I was the perfect choice though. I had been invested in another relationship, no matter how fragile it was at the time you knew I wouldn't leave Lucky. And then when you came back it was amidst much danger. Another perfectly reasonable excuse to push me away."

"That's not how it was."

Elizabeth threw her head back and laughed, "save it for Courtney, she still believes in you."

Jason took a step back, "I get that you're angry but Elizabeth, AJ? It's just stupid."

Wiping her hands over her face, she shook her head in disbelief, "so…what? I'm only smart when I'm with you, is that it?" There was a pause, "never mind, just get out. I can't look at you anymore."

"Listen to me."

Shoving at his chest, Elizabeth growled out something inarticulate before her voice became clear. "I don't listen to you- to anyone anymore. Get out. Get out before I remove you. Right now!"

When he didn't budge she threw her arms in the air, "don't you get it? Seeing you hurts and I'm tired of hurting. God, what's wrong with you? What happened to your feelings? You're killing me!"

"I-I don't mean to!" Jason exclaimed, showing more emotion then AJ thought he was capable of. "I never wanted to hurt you, somewhere deep inside you have to know that."

"I should have known better then all of this. I should have stayed with Zander because he can't hurt me, not like you did. I opened my heart and you ripped it from my chest. It was beating in your hand and you don't even care!" The tears were on the verge of pouring now as she lashed out with her words, shoving him again. "why would you do this to me?"

"You were right. I pushed you away. I can't…I can't take it, not after Robin. I couldn't let anyone get too close. But you have to see that AJ will never love you either, he can't love anyone."

God it hurt, it hurt like hell to know. She should have left things as they were.

"He's broken, Elizabeth. He'll never be fixed."

"Get out." She heard AJ say from behind her, "Get the hell out of my house."

Jason looked from Elizabeth to AJ then turned around and walked out, shutting the door roughly behind him.

Elizabeth turned to AJ, his eyes were red from crying, his face shockingly pale. When she reached out to him, he took her face into his hands.

XXXXXXXXXXX

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be
From home

Her eyes were blue, so blue, like pools of sapphire. Losing himself in them, in their pain and in their strength. Nothing looked so beautiful in his life, he could almost see the light shining on her, like a beacon of some sort. Unable to stop himself, AJ devoured his lips with hers, exploring the recesses of her mouth as he bent her backwards to the floor.

The world exploded.

Nothing seemed real anymore and he could feel his life mixing with hers, his mind touching hers, his being in rhythm with hers. It was perfect and oh-so-wonderful.

Until she pushed him off her, eyes blazing with fire. "AJ? What are you doing?"

"Lying back on the floor, facing the ceiling, he sighed. "I don't know. I just…he's right you know, I can't love. I'm broken, I'm…" Trailing off AJ closed his eyes, "God, I want a drink, I can almost taste the vodka. I want to drink and drink and drink until there's nothing left and I can just die."

His body shook with bitter laughter as he slowly dragged himself to his feet to look at Elizabeth. "I think I loved the idea of having someone in my corner more then anything else." Walking over to the couch, he sat down and braced his feet apart as he leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "and then it all went wrong, like it usually does for me. I mean, it got ugly. It's weird, seeing it now. I should have had this moment of clarity when I tried to off myself."

"The fire."

"Uh-huh. I mean no one called it what it was but deep down I knew. I tried to commit suicide that night. How can that be love?" He laughed a little, "I wonder sometimes if I've ever known love at all. It's so warped in my head, just like everything else." When she sat down next to him and placed her hand on the small of his back, he shrugged. "I keep looking back on that night- the fire and I remember pain, it hurt to breathe until the numbness came .

"God that night. Not one of my most golden moments." AJ pulled on a stray string from his pants, wrapping it around his finger as he spoke. "It wasn't good and if I stayed with her? I have no idea what I would have done next. I scare myself sometimes."

"I…don't know what to say. I wish I had some kind of words of wisdom or something but all I can think to say is stay, live, breathe, each day is hard but it's worth it." Biting on her lower lip, she shrugged. "It's worth it."

"I can't stop wanting what I want."

"And I can't sit here and watch you waste away, I won't do it." She argued hastily, "I'm not going to hang around while you drink yourself to death or slit your wrists. The first time you try? I'll have you committed."

"I'm not going to be able to do this on my own. I'm not strong enough."

Elizabeth's fingers intertwined with his, "are you asking for help, AJ?"

Letting out a breath of air, he nodded. "Yes, I'm asking for help."

Song Credit: Mean to Me by Tonic