VII. Resentment – the feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark or person
Secrets can never be kept secret for long. Eventually the truth will shine through. Lily and James chose to ignore these principles of life. Every moment they spent together was another moment filled with betrayal and guilt. Yet at the same time it was passionate and desirable. They held their secret meetings in the wee hours of the morning and in random moments when they were both free of their partners' grasp. They met in broom closets, in forests, in bathrooms. It was all joyous fun, for the both of them. Neither had experienced "sneaking around" quite like this before. But after a while it began to take its toll.
James saw the excitement die from her eyes. He noticed they had gradually become dimmer every time he saw her. Lily noticed his hair, which once stood on end, was now flat, with no life in it at all.
"Why is the water blue?" she asked one day, as she stare out to sea.
"I don't know," he answered. "Maybe it's a reflection from the sky."
"The sky here is always gray," she said.
"The water is not that blue," he said. She turned to look at him. It was conversations like these that she had once loved. But now they had lost all meaning. Her question was just a mindless, ditzy question to him now.
Their love affair had not been unnoticed. More than once, Sirius found himself alone, with neither his wife nor his best friend by his side. He wondered where possibly each of them was. Some nights he would wake up alone. Or he would see her returning to bed in the early morning.
Andromeda had noticed these disappearances as well. But whenever she spoke of them, James shut the conversation down, forbidding it to come up again. Everyday James would return to her in a more and more irritable mood. More and more would he come home looking solemner and solemner.
James' frequent snaps at Peter Pettigrew also had him worried. He wondered what was happening to his friend to cause him such misery that he couldn't speak of. But Peter was unlike Sirius and Andromeda in that he decided to find the root of these devils.
One morning, at breakfast, James was nowhere to be found. Peter glanced at the head table, where Sirius was eating alone. Peter decided he would ask where Lily had gone. Maybe she knew where James was.
"Good morning, Padfoot," Peter greeted his friend.
"Moony!" he said back. "Great to see you! How've you been?"
"Oh, I'm all right," Peter replied. "Where's Lily gone to?"
"You know, I really don't know. She does that sometimes, just disappears," Sirius said. "She's probably with Belqua."
Peter glanced around. Belqua was in the corner standing patiently alone. Peter decided not to tell Sirius. "Well, friend," Peter began, "it was great talking to. But I have some business to attend to."
"Right, right, Peter. I know you're a busy man," Sirius said. "See you later," he exclaimed as Peter walked off into Belqua's direction.
"You're looking awfully lonely there, Miss," he said to her. Her eyes widened. "Where has Mrs. Black gone to?" he asked of Lily. Belqua swallowed uncomfortably.
"She's – er – she's in the library," Belqua said quickly.
"Really?" Peter asked. "Then, I think I might join her," he suggested.
"Oh, no, no," Belqua interjected. "She's not to be disturbed. She likes to read in peace."
"Very well, then," Peter said. "You know best. Pleasure talking to you." He bade her a farewell and made his way back to his breakfast. But he wasn't giving up that easy. He watched Belqua as she quickly scurried away. Peter followed her, walking briskly. She was awful suspicious.
Peter gave her a comfortable lead, not wanting to attract attention to himself. He followed her outside as she rushed into the woods twisting around trees.
"Lily," she hissed, walking slowly. "Lily! Where are you?" Peter watched her from behind a thick elm. "Lily!" She continued hissing her name for a couple minutes longer, with Peter jumping from one tree to the next.
"Belqua?" a voice called out. "What're you doing?"
"Lily," she said, exasperated. "We must return to the castle immediately. People are looking for you!"
"Who's looking for me?" Lily asked. Peter could see Lily now.
"Mr. Pettigrew!" Belqua squeaked.
"Peter?" came a voice, who Peter did not recognize for a few moments. Then he saw James appear behind Lily.
"Yes, yes, yes!" Belqua said. "We must go now!" She grabbed Lily's hand to drag her away.
"Wait!" Lily said, retracting back her hand. She turned to James. "Sorry, but we'll have to continue this another time," she said. James nodded, but didn't speak. "How about tonight?" she asked.
"Sure," he said.
"Goodbye," she said, leaning in close to him, but he did nothing and she turned away back to the castle with Belqua.
Peter waited for James to leave, a few moments after them, before returning to the castle. Once there, he went to find Remus.
"Wormtail! What have you come to see me for?" Remus asked, smiling at his friend.
"I have to talk to you about something," Peter said seriously. They were at his cottage on the outskirts of town.
"Alright, alright, come in," he said and opened his door to let him in. Peter told him everything. "But what were they doing?" Remus asked, confused.
"I don't know," Peter said. "They're meeting tonight though."
"Do you think this has something to do with Prongs' unhappiness lately?" Remus asked.
"I think so," said Peter slowly. "I think we should find out."
"I don't know, Wormtail," he said. "I just don't feel right about doing that."
"If we know what it is we can help him," Peter emphasized.
Remus took off his spectacles and rubbed his eyes. "Maybe you're right, but how?"
"I was thinking about that," Peter said. "I'll wait by Lily and Sirius' room and you wait by James' and we'll follow them."
"I don't know," Remus repeated. "I just don't think its right."
"C'mon, Moony," Peter encouraged. "Its for Prongs' sake."
"What time were they going to meet?" Remus asked.
"I don't know but I bet late, or early, after everyone's asleep. You should be there at ten maybe?" Peter said.
"Maybe we shouldn't?" Remus said unsurely.
"We have to. Make sure you're there at ten sharp. Okay, Moony?"
"Alright," Remus agreed. "Ten. I'll be there."
When the clock had struck one, Lily slipped out of bed and pulled her robe over her nightgown. Sirius was, once again, a log, as his snores loftily filled the room. She slipped out into the main hall stepping quietly toward the garden behind the kitchen. She thought she heard the swish of robes behind her, but when she turned to look there was nobody there.
He was already waiting for her when she got there, like always. He was sitting on a bench with his head in his hands. He looked up at her when she arrived. She moved toward him, swaying in the moonlight. She bent down, leveling her face to his. She pressed her lips on his as they diverged into a passionate kiss. She felt something wet on the tip of her cheek and when she opened her eyes she saw he was crying.
It was a strange sight, seeing James Potter cry. She knew this whole thing was tearing him apart, slowly.
"I'm sorry," he whispered to her. She bit her lip and shook her head.
"That's all right," she said, caringly, as she wrapped his head in her arms and pulled it to her chest, caressing his hair. He rested it there, closing his eyes. "I understand," she said softly. He shook his head and pulled away from her.
"No," he said. "No, you don't understand. You don't know how hard it is for me to have to split myself. You don't know what its like to not be able to give your whole self to the woman your married to. And you don't know what its like to not be able to receive back that from the woman you love."
His words stung her like needles. "James," she began.
"No. We have to stop," he said. "I just don't know how much longer I can do this."
"James, I am going through exactly the same thing you are. I know how you feel. I feel that same thing, not being able to give yourself to the person you will be with for the rest of your life. But you don't understand, you have all of me."
He looked at her and she looked back at him. "Its hard for me—"
"No, its not, James. Don't you see? You just can't deal with it. Stop being so dramatic. I've been doing fine," she said.
"Dramatic?" he said, beginning to get angry. "You think I'm being dramatic?"
"Yes. Yes I do. I love someone other than my husband, just like you. I feel the pain and guilt everyday that I wake up next to him, and every time he kisses me and every time he tells me he loves me. I know what it feels like to not be able to say it back truthfully to someone who would give the whole world to me if I asked for it. Except I have one more piece of guilt to deal with that you don't. And it's the fact that I am in love with his best friend."
"But that's also the one thing I have that you don't. I am his best friend. He trusts me. He thinks I'd never hurt him, and I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt you. I just don't want to hurt anyone!"
They sat in silence for a few moments, letting the darkness overcome them. "Maybe we should just stop," she said slowly. He looked up at her. "James, I really think we should."
He didn't respond. Then after a moment he said, "Maybe we should."
Just then there was a bustle in the bushes. They both turned to where the noise came from. Lily stood close to James, feeling her pulse quicken.
"Who's there?" James called. There was no response, at which he pulled at his wand and shouted, "Revealo." Peter and Remus stumbled out of the bushes, falling onto their stomachs. Lily gave a small yelp and James stood blankly, staring at his two friends.
"P-Prongs," Peter began, dusting himself off as he stood up. "How great to—"
"Cut the crap," James said. "What the hell were you two doing?" They didn't answer. "Were you spying on me?" he asked angrily.
"James we were just…" Remus began and trailed off. "I mean… we just wanted to see what was bugging you so much. We care about you."
"Care about me? Then why didn't you trust that I could handle things myself?"
"James, you couldn't handle it yourself. That's why we followed you tonight. We wanted to help you, because we knew you couldn't help yourself," Remus protested.
"You wanted to help me?" James repeated. "Why didn't you help me by staying out of my business? You didn't have to go snooping through my life."
"We only did it to—" Remus began.
"I don't care!" James shouted. "Now you know my secret. Now you know what's wrong with me. What are you going to do about it?"
Lily had stayed silent, but she saw James' rage building. "James," she said. "Just stop."
"No. I'm not going to listen to you," he said angrily. "None of you guys understand me so none of you will be able to help me. Why did you even want to try?"
"James, please," Lily protested, moving closer to him.
"No," he said fiercely, moving away. "Our secrets out, Lily. And who knows if these bastards can keep their nosy mouths shut. So, its time to make a decision."
"James, please don't," she said, scared.
"No, I'm serious, Lily. This is it. It's time for you to choose. Me or him? Make your choice."
"James, you're married," she said.
"Oh, I'll leave her if you agree to be with me," he said.
"Please, don't do this to me," she begged. "Please don't."
"No," he said. "We're going to have to live up to the consequences eventually, and now the cat's out of the bag. Let's just decide, now. Shall we?"
"Don't do this to me," she repeated shaking her head and backing away from him.
"No. Let's do it now. Make your choice, Lily." He was coming toward her and she saw a gleam of anger and resentment in his eye.
"James, this isn't you. Please stop."
"You don't know me," he said, shaking his head. "You don't know anything about me."
"No," she said, tears spilling from her eyes. "Stop!" she screamed at him. "Stop, please!" He was close to her now. He was panting and she could feel his breath on her face. "James, I love you. Please, stop. This."
"You don't love me," he spat. "You never have."
"Don't say that," she whined. "Please don't say that. You know I have." He glared at her and raised a hand—
In a second he was on the ground, unconscious. Remus had his him in the head with an empty bottle.
"Sorry, Lily," he said, apologetically. "You should go back to your room. We'll talk to you in the morning."
Lily swallowed, still in shock. She nodded and she felt her legs move back toward her room. She wasn't in her body now. She was watching as Remus and Peter carried James to Peter's cottage nearby. But then she felt herself crawl into bed, trembling with fear.
"Lils?" Sirius murmured. "What's wrong?" Her teeth were chattering and she was shaking all over. "You're ice cold!" he exclaimed and he moved closer to her and wrapped his hands around her. "Bad dream?" he asked, soothingly. She gave a small whimper. "Shh…" he crooned, as he stroke her hair until she fell sound asleep in his arms.
A/N: Intense chapter, huh? I hope I didn't jump the shark with this one. Please review.