XI. Loss – detriment, disadvantage, or deprivation from failure to keep, have, or get
Lily gazed out her window at the figure sitting in the courtyard below her. He sat with his head in his hands running his fingers through his hair. She knew he must be in deep thought contemplating something. Lily knew the exact thing he was thinking for she was thinking the same thing.
It couldn't happen. She couldn't be falling in love with him again. She just couldn't. She was in love with Sirius, the man who would do anything for her. She was going to have his baby, for goodness sake. She sighed and stood up, tearing her eyes away from the figure below her. She poured herself a glass of water and swallowed before retreating out of the room.
She stopped by the large meeting room underneath the stairs to find Sirius still surrounded by all his colleagues in deep conversation. She smiled as she watched him. He was handsome, with his long hair and his built frame. But he wasn't the man that made her heart melt. He was sitting in the courtyard outside. After a few moments, she left Sirius, to join James sitting outside.
"Hey," she greeted him taking a seat next to him.
"Hey," he replied.
"You look like you were in deep thought," she said.
He smiled. "I was."
"What were you thinking about?" she asked, but she knew she shouldn't have.
And before she could stop him he said it. "I'm still in love with you," he said and quickly looked away. She sat silent for a moment taking in his words. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I shouldn't have done that." He turned away from her.
"Its ok," she said. And before she knew it the words were flying out of her as well. "I'm still in love with you too." He looked at her, his eyes wide. She gave out a nervous laugh, and he smiled. She could feel her heart melt.
"So what are we supposed to do?" he asked. "Is it hopeless?"
"I don't know," she said quietly. Memories of the last time they had this conversation flooded her with fear.
He nodded in agreement. "I don't either," he said. "I don't know if I can just stop loving you. I thought getting away from you would do the trick, but to tell you the truth, it didn't." She was surprised at his honesty and openness. She thought he would have just kept in his feelings but here he was speaking them freely.
"I think I can say the same for myself. But, James, I can't. I just can't."
"I understand," he said glancing at her the bump on her belly. "I know."
"You know if I could, I would, right?" she said.
He turned to look at her. "I know," he said as he put a hand to her face and ran it through her hair. She closed her eyes. His touch sent vibrations down her spine. He retracted his hand suddenly, as if realizing what he was doing.
She opened her eyes and looked into his. She could see the longing he held for her. "Don't stop," she whispered pulling his hand to her.
He shook his head and took his hand back. "Lily, I can't," he said turning away again. "We can't."
She bit her lip and looked away. "I'm sorry," she apologized. They sat in silence for a few moments. A tear ran down her cheek. "I wish," she began, "that everything was different. I wish I had married you instead. I wish this," she hesitated, "was your baby."
He looked at her and wiped away the tear on her cheek. "Don't say that," he whispered. "Don't ever say that, Lily." The words stung her. She looked at him, with hurt in her eyes. "Sirius can give you what you need. I can't. Sirius can take care of you."
"But I don't need to be taken care of!" she exclaimed angrily. "I don't need anything you can't give me."
He gave her a small smile. "You may think that you don't, but you do. I'm no good for you, anyway."
She put a hand to his face. "You're everything for me," she said moving closer to him. She could smell his scent, he was so close. She knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't stop now. It was too late now. His face was awfully close to hers. She closed her eyes as he did his. She could almost taste him he was so close.
"We can't," he said, his lips almost brushing hers as he spoke. He stood up abruptly and left leaving her alone in a whirlwind of pain and confusion.
"Damnit James!" Remus exclaimed after James had told him what had happened. "You didn't kiss her, did you?"
"No, Remus!" James protested. "I was the one to stop it. I was the one who left."
Remus sighed a sigh of relief but his expression of anguish remained. "James, you can't. You can't do anything. Go away again if you have to. If Sirius ever found out…" his voice trailed off.
"I'm not going away again. I can handle this," James said. "I can resist her. I really can."
"Maybe we should find you another girl," Remus offered.
"No!" he said almost immediately. "I mean, no thanks. I don't need one."
"James, yes you do. I don't need a girl. I'm the type of person that doesn't, but you. You do."
"What are you talking about Remus? No I don't. I'll be fine!"
Except, James knew Remus was right. He needed someone to distract him. He needed someone to fall in love with. But was there anyone left? He didn't want to go through what he went through with Andromeda again. But could there be anyone else that he could love more than he loved Lily?
The truth was that he had always had it in his head that he'd eventually end up with Lily. He always figured that somehow Lily and Sirius would break up and he and Lily would runaway together and live happily ever after. He didn't know how, he didn't care how. All he cared about was being with Lily.
But a part of his brain had always nagged at him that they wouldn't separate. They'd always be together and she would eventually stop loving James. It was one of his worse fears. The worst fear was that Sirius would somehow find out about them; walk in on them kissing or worse. Sirius would be devastated by this. Both Remus and James could only imagine what Sirius would do once he found out.
And this was his dilemma. What he was going to do, he had no idea. What could he possibly do? Wait, was his answer. He would wait until something drove Lily and Sirius apart. That was the only thing he could do.
Ever since James' return, a feeling of paranoia followed Lily around like a hawk. It nagged at the back of her brain every time she looked at Sirius and every time she looked at James. Often times she would dream about a plan to drive Sirius away from her, but she had never come up with one. And now another attachment to him grew in her stomach.
She didn't think often of her child. After all, she couldn't help but feel a feeling of displeasure and unwant toward it. She knew this was wrong, but she just couldn't help it. She didn't want this child. She didn't want to raise it with Sirius. But what was she to do?
Sirius was the complete opposite of her. He spoke often of the unborn child. He spoke of the activities they'd do together, of the games and sports they'd play and of the stories they'd read together. Lily could only smile and nod at his excitement. She longed to agree with him and suggest other activities but she couldn't find it in her to do so.
She cried silently at night, after Sirius had fallen asleep. She had never felt so unhappy in her life. She missed her home. She hated always being cold. Her feet and back constantly ached. And her heart yearned for the man she could never have.
A response to Lily's woes came a few months later. She had woken up dreadfully ill and Sirius had Belqua fetch a doctor. He was asked to be excused while the doctor examined her and he paced back and forth outside the door impatiently. The doctor was with her for what seemed to him ages. James joined him during his wait.
"Calm down, Sir," he said. "Everything will be all right. Trust me. Just sit down."
Sirius took a seat tapping his foot up and down. He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "What if its not? What if its not James?"
James looked wearily at his friend, for he had had the same feeling too. He knew it was not all right. Something happened. Sirius was a mess. Constantly fidgeting, he had developed another tick of clearing his throat constantly.
"Maybe we should get a drink," James offered to his friend.
Sirius sighed. "I'd rather stay here," he admitted.
James looked sternly at him. "We need to get some fresh air," he demanded of his friend. "Lets go for a walk."
They exited the castle and took a walk down toward the water. Sirius was very antsy and James tried to calm him down. "Just take three deep breaths and clear your mind. Think of something else," he suggested. Sirius obliged and inhaled and exhaled three times. He closed his eyes and listened to the waves crashing on the shore.
He was silent for a few long moments before speaking. "What ever happened between you and Andromeda?" he asked finally. James was a bit surprised by his question.
He sighed before answering. "She met someone else," he muttered looking away.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Sirius said. James nodded, wanting to change the subject. After that, Sirius went back to his old nervous habits. Finally they wandered back to castle and back up to wait in front of the door to where Lily was. Remus joined them a few moments later.
"Haven't heard anything yet?" he asked. James and Sirius each shook their heads. "How you holding up?" he asked Sirius.
Sirius just shrugged his shoulders then cleared his throat and continued to pace in front of the door.
"And you?" Remus added to James raising his eyebrows.
James gave him a weak smile and nodded. Just then the door opened and the doctor stepped outside closing the door behind him. He looked gravely at Sirius who stood before him. He didn't speak.
"Well?" Sirius asked impatiently.
"I'm sorry," the doctor said. "We lost the baby."
"What?" Sirius repeated, stunned. "You…" He couldn't say it. He sat down immediately and put his hands in his head.
"I'm sorry," the doctor repeated.
"How is she?" Remus asked.
"She's very weak right now. She's sleeping. She needs rest for a couple more days. I left some things with Belqua to give her during the next few days. This is more of an emotional thing than a physical thing. It'll take more of a toll on her conscious than her body."
"Right," Remus agreed. "Well, thank you," he said bidding the doctor a farewell because he knew Sirius or James wouldn't. The doctor left. Sirius and James hadn't moved. Sirius' head was in his hands and James sat frozen staring straight forward. "Sirius did you want to go in and see her?" Remus asked.
Sirius nodded mindlessly and opened the door and walked inside.
"James," Remus said, "let's go for a walk." James nodded like Sirius had done and stood up to follow Remus.
Lily sat staring out the window at the water. She watched the waves crash onto the rocks. She had been in a mindless whirl the past few weeks. She had hardly eaten and had hardly left her room. She heard the door open and someone walk in. She didn't know who it was and she didn't care to know.
"I'm sorry, Lily." It was James. She hadn't seen him since it happened. She didn't respond but continued to stare outside. He took a step toward her. "I just wanted to tell you that," he said. "I'm sorry." She heard the door open and close as he walked out.
When it was dark and she couldn't see the water anymore, she stood up and walked to the bed. She climbed between the sheets and stared up at the ceiling. She heard Sirius come in and she felt him climb into the bed next to her. She rolled away from him. Some time later she heard him begin to snore.
She couldn't sleep with him next to her. She could feel the heat radiating from his body underneath the covers. All though for as long as she had been here, she had been cold, now she was always warm. She was always sweating; she was always hot.
The loss of the baby had strange effects on Lily. Although she had not cared for it, it tore her apart inside to not have it. A small part of her had always seen herself holding a daughter, carrying one in her arms. Now she would never have that. Now it would never happen.