XII. Transition – movement, passage, or change from one position or state
"I'm worried about Lily," Sirius told James one afternoon. They were outside walking together by the water. "She hasn't spoken a word in four weeks. She barely eats and she won't come out of that room. Not even Belqua can get a word out of her."
James nodded listening to his friends. "What can I do?" he offered, unsurely.
"Talk to her. You and her always got along well," Sirius said. "Maybe you can get something out of her."
James swallowed. He had tried various times to talk to Lily, but every time she simply tuned him out. "I'll try," he told his friend. "But I don't think I'll have as much luck as you did."
Sirius nodded. "As long as you try," he said, staring off into the distance. "This is ruining our marriage," he said. "I don't know what to do anymore, James. I don't know how to make her happy."
"Keep trying," James urged. "She'll come around, I know it."
Sirius shook his head. "That's what I told myself in the beginning. But now it seems hopeless. What am I supposed to do?" he asked.
James shrugged. "I-I don't know."
Sirius sighed. "I don't either," he admitted sadly.
"Please Miss Lily," Belqua begged. "Come out for a little walk. I'll be with you the whole time."
Lily simply shook her head. She was staring out at the water again.
"Talk to me, Lily," Belqua said. "Please, just talk to me."
Lily turned to look at her. She had deep circles underneath her eyes and was terribly thing. There was sadness in her eyes, not the spark that had existed once before. She shrugged her shoulders.
"Just say anything. Lily, please. You've got to move on."
There was a knock at the door. Belqua rushed to answer it. It was James. "Hi," he said. "Can we have a moment, you think?" he asked her.
Belqua sighed. "Today's not a good day," she muttered to him as she left the room closing the door behind her.
James stood next to her, a few feet away watching her. She had averted her attention back to the window. She could feel his eyes boring into her, and it was starting to make her uncomfortable.
"How have you been?" he asked her awkwardly. She didn't respond. "Lily, I'm really sorry about what happened. I am." Lily could hear something strange in his voice, something he was holding back to make it not crack. He shuffled his feet and then moved closer. His presence was soothing to her. It calmed her worries and feelings slightly.
"Maybe this wasn't the right time," he offered to her. "Your baby will come another time. It will, I promise." She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. She felt them move down her cheek. He moved over to her and put his arms around her, stroking her head. She cried silently for a few moments before looking up at him.
He had worry in his eyes as he looked back at her. It felt so right, to Lily, to be here. It felt so right to have his arms around her. When Sirius had, she didn't want to be touched, but with James, she wanted him to touch her everywhere. The moment changed from two friends comforting each other to something more. Something beyond what either of them could evaluate.
Their faces were close. Lily could see her reflection in his eyes. She leaned in to him closing her eyes. Her heart stopped for a moment, when she didn't feel him, but then he came. He pressed his lips to hers sending a spark throughout her body. She returned his kiss with all the pain and all the hurt she had felt during all those solitary weeks.
He pulled away finally, searching for air. "Put your hands on me, James," she said in a whisper. James looked into her eyes, unsure. She wanted this. This was how it was supposed to be. This was right. James pressed his hands around her waist and picked her up and laid her on the bed. He pulled his shirt off and bent forward to kiss her again. She moved her hands across his smooth back and wrapped her legs around him.
He moved his mouth to her neck and she moaned lightly. "Please James," she said. "Make love to me." He stopped and looked into her eyes. She nodded to him as if to tell him this was what she wanted. He stared at her for a second, but then she grew tired of waiting and pressed her lips against his neck and began to move down his chest. She nibbled lightly at his nipples before moving down to his navel.
She could feel his growing hardness beneath his trousers, but he suddenly pulled her back up to him and kissed her again letting his tongue roam freely around the inside of her mouth. He put his hands on her waist and pushed her further up on the bed. He slid his hands up her sides as he moved the dress over her head. She raised her arms to allow its journey off her body and onto the floor.
He put his hands on her breasts then moved his mouth to kiss them. She moaned his name, then moved to unbutton his trousers and let them fall to the floor. A few minutes later they were lying completely naked with each other, her hips grinding into him. Her fingers pierced his back as something welled up inside. He moved in and out of her until she couldn't bear it any longer. After she climaxed, he fell on top of her in exhaustion.
He laid his head on her chest and she stroked his hair. His breathing was uneasy and he was shaking. "You're trembling," she said to him, worried.
"I'll be all right," he told her and he rolled off of her searching around the room for his clothing.
"You're leaving?" she asked him as he buttoned his pants.
"We shouldn't have done this, Lily," he said. "I shouldn't have—"
"Its not your fault," she said. "Its mine. I wanted you to."
He sighed as he slipped his shirt back over his body. He sat back down on the bed. "Lily, I told myself when I came back here, that I wouldn't touch you and I wouldn't have feelings for you. But I can't do it when you do stuff like this."
"James, I love—" she began, but he stopped her.
"Don't even say it," he said. "You're married to Sirius. That's the end of it. It's been how many years now? I think we just need to accept it."
"But I want to be with you," she pleaded. "You're the one that I want."
"But you're married! To my best friend! I could never do that to him," James said looking down.
"I'll leave him," she said slowly. He looked at her, as if to see if she was real. "James, I want to be with you. I'm tired of always having to sneak around. I'm tried of having to hide my true feelings. I want you, no one else."
He stared at her, with longing in his eyes. She began to feel hers well up with tears. "I'm sorry, Lily. But I just can't do it. Sirius is like my brother."
"Do you love me?" she asked him abruptly.
"Yes, of course I do," he said immediately.
"Then why won't can't we just runaway? We can be with each other with no strings attached. We can be happy," she said.
"Lily, you know why I can't," he said.
"What if I break up with him?" she asked. "What if I ask for a divorce?"
He looked away from her. "I couldn't ask you to do that," he said.
"You're not. I want to," she said.
"No," he said with a little force. "It will just break Sirius and what will happen when he sees us together?"
"He won't. I'll go home after. And you come and join me," she said. She had been thinking of this plan for a while, but there always seemed to be flaws. Now, as she told it to James, it seemed flawless.
"I don't know," he said.
"Why don't you love me?" she asked with hurt in her voice.
His head snapped to hers. She searched his expression for any answer. "I love you," he said. "I do. I love you more than anything, but I'm just not sure about this. I know the time for you and me will come. I don't know when it will come and I don't know how, but I do know that it will."
She sighed. "You're right," she said. "But will you please think about it? I'm tired of all this. I don't love Sirius like I love you. I want to live a happy life with you. I want to grow old with you. I want to… have your child." He turned toward her and pressed his lips on hers.
"I have to go," he said, and left the room without another word.
James watched Lily come down to breakfast the next morning. Sirius beamed when he saw her. She gave him a small smile. "Its so great to see you out and about!" he exclaimed when she took her seat.
"Yes," she nodded. "It feels good to get out." She looked over a James and gave him a big smile. He looked away uncomfortably, hoping that Sirius didn't see it.
"Well I missed you," Sirius said leaning over to kiss her, but she turned to her plate leaving him hanging in mid air. James took a swallow of pumpkin juice to keep himself from laughing.
"Would you like to go for a walk this morning?" Sirius asked her.
"With you?" she said raising her eyebrows.
"Yes, of course, with me. Who else?" he asked.
"Well, I'd like to go with James," she said taking a bite of toast.
Sirius looked confused. He looked at James then back at Lily. "With James? Well, sure, I guess if you wanted to, you could," he said.
"I'm going to," she said standing up. "Ready?" she asked James.
"Er… yes," he said putting down his fork. Lily made her way out the door. James gave Sirius a shrug as he caught up with her. Remus gave him a warning look when he saw them walk away together.
Once outside and behind a tree, Lily wrapped her arms around him and began to kiss him.
James shook his head and pushed her away. "What are you doing?" he asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, with this! What are you doing?"
She looked hurt. "I don't understand," she said. "Don't you want to? I don't care if Sirius knows! I love you and that's all that counts."
"Well, I care!" he said. "I don't want him to know."
"Why are you so afraid of him knowing? What would he do anyway?"
He shook his head. "You don't know Sirius like I do," he told her. "You have no idea what he is capable of."
"It can't be that bad," she said shaking her head.
"Just stop all this, ok? I don't want him to know," he said.
"But James I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of hiding it. I just want to be with you. And you want to be with me, don't you?"
He sighed and looked away. "Maybe I don't anymore," he said. This was the only way.
She looked shocked and confused. "What?" she asked clearly bewildered.
"We just can't do this anymore," he repeated. "I want things to stay like they are."
She looked as if he had just slapped her across the face. "Well, fine," she said picking up her dress and walking away. "Goodbye Mr. Potter," she called behind her shoulder.
James groaned and kicked the air. It wasn't something he wanted to do, but it was the right thing. Wasn't it?
He wanted to be with her more than she could ever know. Why couldn't she just see as reasonably as he did? Why couldn't she see the consequences that faced them if anyone found out?
Lily sat alone on the shore watching the sun set. The water reflected the sun's red and orange rays. For a moment she felt like she was at home again. But then when she looked down at her left hand, she remembered she wasn't. Her arms were wrapped around her legs and she rested her head on her knees.
She loved James and she knew he loved her. She was tired of pretending to be in love with Sirius. She felt like a string that was stretched out to far and about to break. Why didn't he want to be with her? She couldn't understand it. Before he left he was pining for her. He'd have done anything. But now he was… different.
"Hello," a voice came from behind her. She turned around and saw James standing there smiling.
"Hi," she said and turned back to the sun.
"May I?" he asked standing next to her.
She shrugged and he sat down. "I thought you didn't want to be with me," she said not looking at him.
He gave a small laugh and paused before speaking. She turned to look at him. "Well, I guess I changed my mind," he said and leaned in close to her and pressed his lips on hers. "I love you, Lily," he whispered and she smiled at him.