Push, pull…
It's always something.
Pushing you towards doing something you shouldn't,
Pulling you back to where you should be,
And damn it, why does it always seem like it's never what you want?
And why am I even wondering about this?
Wouldn't be, if I wasn't stuck here, in this undercover role.
Wouldn't be, if I hadn't gotten involved at all, but some people never change,
And this guy, well…
To put it shortly, I'd love if he just vanished into nowhere, but, no…
I've got to pretend to be friends with him, so I can figure him out,
Find out what he's doing, make it work so we can nail him,
And damned if I don't fit into this role…
Why is it so easy to scare the hell out of myself these days?
Don't want to be this person they think I am.
I want to go back to being myself, Detective Stabler, but no,
It's too damn late for that, and if I wasn't so damn stubborn, I wouldn't be stuck here.
And now I've figured this guy out, and I'm in over my head, as usual,
Because I still don't know when to let go,
And there's this girl here in this warehouse, and she thinks I'm actually going to hurt her.
Even if she didn't look like one of mine, I wouldn't.
And so I tell her, I'm a cop. Listen to me. I'm going to tell you how to get out of here.
The relief that settles over me when she's free of this place is everything,
Compared to being knocked unconscious, and waking up
Handcuffed to a car, with a gun under my chin.
I've saved her from something, even if it looks like I'm this close to being killed.
But one life saved is better than none.
I knew going in that I could lose my own, and better mine than someone else's child.
I wonder how many people would actually do that.
Not many, I guess.
But I think of my own kids, and hope that if it got to that point,
That if I couldn't be there to protect them,
Someone would be.
But then, the way things are in this city nowadays, you never know.
And when Liv and Fin find me, I'm still thinking about it.